Peaceful Afternoon

2008, November 29

When they rethink about it, both of them can still picture the steam coming out of their mouths as they walked down the school's corridors in their winter uniform; proof that it had been quite a cold day, even for the North Jeolla Province.

Neither of the two can really picture, however, why they had decided not to leave school right away, heading towards the library instead, when everyone had deserted the buildings as soon as class was over, craving the warmth and cosiness of home more than anything else.

That day, it had been snowing profusely.

The school playground was draped in a large quilted white coat, in a perfect reflection of the skies above, and not even the breeze could have broken the sound of silence.

It was around five in the afternoon and the only people still present in the library could be counted on the fingers of one hand.

At her desk, the librarian was battling against a very uncooperative resource portal. Someday, maybe, if she found the courage to do so, she'd just quit and retire in the mountains.

A girl from Year 10 was revising for her mock exams in the back.

In the relaxing area, some twins were trying to solve an equation while, at the same time, discussing the latest card game they had acquired.

Near the comic book section, Jung Wheein, Year 8, was sketching angrily.

She was angry primarily because Kang Chohee had laughed at her doodles earlier, back in lit' class.

Of course, the fact that it had hurt her pride a tiny bit was the main factor of that anger... but, it could've remained a private matter if it hadn't been for Chohee's insufferable and constant giggles, Wheein putting up a fuss, losing her temper, breaking into a fight, and being rewarded by a nice five days of chores duty.

Pushing back a strand of hair that was getting annoying, she looked away from the sketchbook and clicked her tongue in irritation.

Two months.

It hadn't been two months since she had transferred here and she already felt alienated and held in contempt by both her teachers and her classmates... Joining in after the first semester sure wasn't easy: you turn up in a school and class where they all already know each other, and you're obviously going to spend the year with the “outsider tag” tattooed on your forehead.

She could thank her pathetic father for this one.

Although, at the same time, she had to admit she was glad to have been offered a fresh start in life.

What had always been left unsaid had been said, what should've always been done was now done. Hopefully, her mother would get better soon... Hopefully.

For now, she had to work for two, and even for three, if they ever wanted to be free one day. In the middle of all this, Wheein had only set one task for herself: she would try her best to stay out of trouble, and remain unnoticed.

Well, she thought, you ed up already. Bravo!

She couldn't go unnoticed if she kept getting into trouble, and vice versa. She blamed it on herself, and her clumsiness, and her foolishness. And she had to make her grandma promise not to tell her mum. 'I can't make it worse for her, she'd worry... I don't deserve her concern.'

But now, even her grandma was starting to show signs of weakness, and Wheein knew, –she could sense, that her life would be a mess, again, someday. And there was nothing she could do about it, and it was killing her every night.

There were so many things she wished to tell her grandma, so many dreams and secrets to share... but she was still too caught up in her own feelings to be able to tell the only words that mattered.

Life was always so fast paced. She needed someone to tell her to slow down, to support her ambitions, her foolish ambitions, to remind her to keep her head high while crawling on the hardest path. 'You have it in you Jung Wheein, you will be okay.'

Her mum was too busy to give her that; she had no sibling and not much of a father... If she came to disappear, who would?

“Think heavy thoughts!” a sarcastic voice kept ringing against her temple. And with so many heavy thoughts parasitising her mind, to look so angry and nervous as she was here sketching under one of the blinding spotlights of the library made perfect sense, but it wasn't helping her define her lines at all!

She sighed deeply.

It had not much to do with Kang Chohee after all. And she regretted going mad over a stupid giggle.

She would laugh at her own sketches too... they were nowhere near good. If she wanted to be an artist someday, she'd have to practice much harder.

If she. Did she... want to?

How could she know that?

This story's always all the same: you wake up one day, so sure of what you want... A few hours later you start panicking because it could be the biggest mistake of your life. How nice it'd be, to just be and do nothing. Why should we–

'Hey there!'

Wheein got so surprised she almost fell from her chair, but a firm hand made sure she didn't lose her balance and remained safely seated.

'Wow, I didn't mean to startle you like this, I'm sorry!'

'N–No, it's me, I didn't hear you coming, I–'

'Well, I did clear my voice and waved at you, but–'

'I wasn't... paying attention,' Wheein finished the girl's sentence, 'Yeah, I tend to do that. Sorry.'

She hated that. Her lack of attention for everything always made her feel shameful. When the other girl let out a discrete laughter, Wheein wanted to bury herself under the ground.

Again? She blushed tremendously.

'Oh, no no! I didn't mean to laugh at you or embarrass you, really. I just...,' she scratched the back of her neck nervously, 'I just think you shouldn't apologise for everything like this... but, it's kinda cute when you do.'

She laughed and it sounded too fake to be a sincere laugh. Wheein dared to look up at her for the first time since she had entered her personal space. She was dumbfounded.

Wait, what?

'I'm not– aish, I'm not cute.'

'You are.'

Outside, the snow had started to fall again.

A few minutes later it'd be completely dark.

'You're very cute. That's the first thing I've noticed when you transferred in our class,' she marked a pause, looked away with a small pout and added, almost for herself, 'I thought you looked like a puppy.'

Now that Wheein was looking at her more attentively, she remembered.

'AH!' she almost screamed and the both of them stopped breathing to look in the direction of the librarian, but the woman was too focused on her computer to have heard anything.

'You're that girl who jumped on me on my first day!', Wheein whispered intensely.

The girl seemed to shy out all of a sudden.

'Ah... yeah. I'm very sorry about that. I got too excited and didn't consider your own feelings.'

Wheein shot her an incredulous look. Why would she get excited over some random transfer girl?

'Ahn Hyejin... was it?'

The girl flashed her the brightest grin Wheein had seen in a while.

'Spot on!'

Wheein sighed again, the eyes focused on her damaged pencil.

'I don't understand why you're so interested in me. All I do is cause trouble everywhere I go.'

'That's not true,' Hyejin said, very seriously, and it seemed like Wheein's words had hurt her more than they'd hurt Wheein herself.

She put a comforting hand on Wheein's left hand –the one that was holding her sketchbook–, and Wheein stiffened almost immediately. Her heart's rate sped up a bit.

'I think you're brilliant, Jung Wheein.'

Now her heart's rate was clearly going wild. She wasn't even blushing; she just said everything that came to her mind with the confidence and boldness of an army of people and that was more than Wheein could comprehend.

She lowered her head and mechanically started sketching again, her left hand still trapped under Hyejin's palm. It felt warm.

She wanted it back.

She had never known how to take compliments; they made her feel like she was a fraud. She didn't deserve kindness from a complete stranger.

Like, come on, this Ahn Hyejin, she didn't even... she didn't–

'You don't know me,' she muttered, almost unconsciously, 'how can you say that?'

The girl raised both brows, quirking them in a very peculiar way.

'Uh? Well, because I see you Jung Wheein. I see you trying your best to stand up for yourself, and I think it's beautiful.'

'Beautiful?' Wheein snorted, 'You think that what happened today in class was of any aesthetic relevance? Are you nuts?'

She regretted the words as soon as they escaped her lips, but it was too late to take them back. Ahn Hyejin had pulled her hand back and Wheein's entire body shivered, as if the cold had invaded the room all of a sudden. She bowed on the table before the other girl could move even farther away.

'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you... I at being a functioning social being.'

Hyejin shook her head slightly in amusement, but Wheein never saw that.

They remained silent for a few seconds, before Wheein broke it again.

'Hyejin-ssi–,' she started.

'It's Hyejin.'

Wheein gulped down; she didn't dare protest, the frown on Hyejin's forehead was too deep and scary to allow that.

'Um, sorry, Hyejin,' felt dry, 'why did you come here today?'

'Oh.'

And for the first time, it seemed that Ahn Hyejin was really perturbed... almost flustered. She looked away for a split second and cleared quickly.

'I needed a book,' she started.

Lie.

Years of experience with her father had made Wheein quite good at guessing these things.

'But then,' Hyejin went on, 'I saw you getting mad at your sketchbook and I got worried you'd stab yourself with your own pencil or something,' she laughed nervously, 'I thought maybe you needed some comfort... Does it make sense?'

No, it didn't really make sense, but Wheein thought it was quite nice and she smiled happily.

'Do you want to see?'

Hyejin's face lit up.

'Oh, yes please!'

On the sketchbook, where Hyejin was expecting to see some dark kind of scribbles, Wheein had actually drawn a cute little lion befriending an antelope in the savannah, or, at least, an attempt at representing the savannah.

The lion had a tiny yellow bow fixed in its mane; the kind of detail that Hyejin found absolutely charming.

'It's so... cute!'

'Ah, thank you... I'm not really good yet though.'

That was it.

'Wheein-ssi,' Hyejin started, frowning once more, 'I don't know much about art, but I'm just going to use the same argument as with music: what matters, in the end, to be an artist whom people look up to, is not the flawlessness of your technique or how on point your lines look, or your voice sounds. Of course, it'd be a lie to say we don't give a damn about those but, overall, what people will remember isn't good technicians. It'd be the persons who made them feel something. Emotions will always overcome apparent perfection. I strongly believe in this.'

Oh, so that was what it was... The thing that bothered Wheein with this girl. She was overflowing with positivity, confidence, and hopefulness. Things Wheein couldn't afford to have.

'You're an interesting girl, Ahn Hyejin.'

She blushed again, and Wheein realised she liked it when she blushed. It made her look so pretty.

'So... you sing then?'

'Ah, yes. I'm in the school choir, but I tend to stay there late to practice with miss Park. She gives me extra classes...,' she hesitated, 'You should come too, someday.'

Wheein suddenly felt overwhelmed.

'Me? What makes you think I sing?'

'Oh come on!,' Hyejin said with a teasing smile, 'you always sing when doing school chores.'

How would she know that?!

'but you must be singing a lot at home too. There's no way someone with a voice like yours doesn't practice often.'

Wheein's ears turned crimson. People knew she drew; her mother had passed it on to her and she had never hidden it, but, singing... singing was her own true thing, like a secret garden.

She had only told her grandma.

'I– I'm not–'

'Please, don't say you're not “that good”. I don't want to hear that again.'

'Then, what do you want to hear?'

Hyejin got closer to her and gave her a mischievous smile.

'Hmm, just say you're going to think about my proposition and join me for these singing lessons. If you're scared of pushing yourself forward, I'll be your support. Let me be your shadow; I'll boost your confidence. And... if you're with me, it'll sure be a lot funnier.'

Wheein didn't know how to deal with this girl, really. She studied her features as if to spot any proof of teasing or insincerity, but she didn't. She couldn't. It was all here, written on her face, in her dark sparkling eyes: she wasn't joking. She was the figure of Honesty in a 13 year-old girl's body... and she smiled so brightly. So Wheein smiled back.

'I'll think about it then.'

She ignored Hyejin's quiet scream of victory, but she couldn't ignore the scream in her heart, because, as the words took shape, she felt like a tiny part of the accumulated heaviness from the past few days, months and years had suddenly lifted.

'Great! See you very soon then,' Hyejin said, delighted.

Before raising from her chair, she leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on Wheein's temple.

'Lions are cute, by the way,' she whispered in her ear, 'but it'd be nice if you could teach me how to draw puppies, someday.'

' D–D–Do you like puppies?,' Wheein asked, the heart in a roller-coaster ride.

Hyejin stepped back –Wheein was already missing the warmth against her side– and grinned cheekily.

'Yes. I love them.'

Minutes after Hyejin had waved her goodbye and left the library, Wheein was still sitting there, a hand raised, dumbfounded, the fingertips brushing her temple.

Her vague smile turned into a grin and she knew, she was pretty sure she'd never felt so happy in her whole life.

***

2018, November 29

On that day, Ahn Hyejin had gotten out of the right side of the bed.

She felt refreshed, happy, and proud, for Mamamoo's latest mini-album was about to come out, and she liked the vibes Blue;S had a lot.

Sure, the songs were all quite sad, but there was also a hopeful undertone, a je ne sais quoi in the melodies that said that things would get better and matched the bittersweetness of autumn perfectly.

She tied her hair up in a very odd-looking bun and headed to the kitchen.

If it had been her house, she would've just had breakfast in front of the TV, but Wheein's place meant Wheein's rules.

As soon as she stepped in, she felt something rubbing against her legs. A slight purr and a discrete meow and she lowered her head to find a restless and –apparently– hungry Ggomo. She crouched down and gave him a scratch behind the ear.

Although she had always been allergic to cats, patting this little guy was okay... as long as he didn't her or get his hairs too close to her nose.

'Nobody's fed you this morning, uh?'

Ggomo gave a gentle headbutt against her palm, which in cat language meant something like “Yes Hyejinie, I'm starving. Please, feed me”.

'Your owner must be such a neglectful woman, I can't even imagine.'

Another headbutt confirmed her accusations.

'I can hear you, you know?'

Hyejin stood up again and beamed at the other person in the room.

'Oh, Wheein-ssi, I didn't see you there!'

For sole answer, Wheein grunted. She hadn't lost focus, not even once. Seated by the kitchen table, she was drawing angry scribbles in her sketchbook, and it gave Hyejin a strange impression of déjà vu, coming back to haunt her from a million years ago.

She put on a sad smile.

She knew pretty well why Wheein was upset this time, and the worst was that being upset was the only logical reaction. It's not everyday that a bunch of scavengers dig out your past to slap it in your face and ask you to deal with it. As if it were easy. As if it were of prime necessity. As if it were their business to begin with...

She surely didn't need more of that in her life. Not now, nor anytime. Couldn't they give her a break?

The truth was that Hyejin too was fuming. She wanted to meet the bastard who had brought that up, once more, and had them regret it so bad. Was it fun? Was it enjoyable for these people to see her being crushed over and over again?

It was Byulyi who'd found the first article. Spending more time on social media than the other three, she rarely missed a storm when it came. When she showed the headline to her, Hyejin thought her heart had stopped beating. She felt cold, and paralysed, and sick. Her stomach started to ache; what if Wheein saw that?

But how naïve of her to believe one could escape this. You're never free of your past they say... let alone if your past involves loads of scam money and the death of an innocent man.

She had run towards the practice room where Wheein was repeating moves for their new choreo.

When she opened the door, it was too late: the damage had already been done. A towel in one hand, her phone in the other, Wheein was standing there, staring into space.

Hyejin had approached her cautiously, and pulled her into a hug, the right arm encircling her head, as if to protect her from harm, the left one gently her back.

She didn't cry. She'd cried too much already, on too many occasions, for her body to still be able to produce tears.

When Hyejin started rocking them both slowly, Wheein dropped her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply.

'Let's stay like this a little longer,' she just said, and Hyejin understood that it meant “I beg you, please, don't let go.”

'Okay,' she answered, and Wheein knew it meant “I'll never let go.”

“Wheein and I, we share a soul”, she remembered herself telling the MC on a radio show once, long ago. Now, the world wasn't perfect, and it sure wasn't kind, but if they had each other, as long as she held her in her arms, she knew they'd make it.

Everytime they touched, she renewed a promise she hoped Wheein would never forget: that she'd be her support, her shadow, and that she would make her best to boost her confidence.

'I'm here.'

She felt like she had to say it, just in case. But, see, the thing is that Jung Wheein had never doubted Ahn Hyejin... Not even once in her entire life.

'I know.'

She took a step closer to the table and stopped when Wheein hit her fist on it and stood up to curse at the kitchen sink. She poured herself a glass of fresh water and finished it in one gulp.

As she put the glass down and both her palms on the rim, she felt warm hands curling around her waist and moving towards her stomach, soon followed by a familiar sensation of weight against her back. Eventually, she allowed herself a sigh of relief when a pair of lips came greeting the crook of her neck.

'It's okay... I'm okay.'

Hyejin didn't say anything. She just rested her forehead on Wheein's back and waited.

'I mean I'm better than I thought. Better than yesterday already... just, you know, mad at him. I guess I'll always be.'

Hyejin kept silent. She knew she wasn't done yet.

'I mean... I thought it would hurt everyday again but... my heart is doing fine. It's quite ironic isn't it? It's not my heart that hurts now, but rather... my pride? Yes, I think that's it. I've outdone myself for so long and that man is just barging in again, ruining everything mum and I have worked for.'

Hyejin's fingers were drawing soothing circles on her stomach.

'I feel shame, I feel disgust, I feel anger. But not pain. I won't give him that.'

Mechanically, her fingers came intertwining with Hyejin's on her stomach and she laughed quietly.

'Are you a koala, Hyejinie?'

Hyejin, the head still leaned on Wheein's back, closed her eyes and smiled contently.

'You know what, I'm amazed. You're pissed as hell, but here you are, still scribbling cute lions all over your sketchbook.'

She marked a pause and raised her head, her lips pulled in a fake pout.

'Still no puppies though.'

Wheein chuckled and turned around to face her, putting her arms around Hyejin's neck.

'What can I say? Drawing lions soothes me... I could also draw Ggomo, but these days he basically ignores me, depriving me of his “royal” presence. The moment you entered the kitchen is the first time I've seen him this morning... That little rascal.'

'Shh, quiet,' she said, placing a finger on Wheein's lips, 'He could hear you.'

The smaller girl giggled again and seized Hyejin's hand. As she stared into those bright dark eyes, all the gratitude she felt for this extraordinary woman –her best friend, her lover, her soulmate, whatever people would call it, as long as it could mean something deep enough to come any close to what it actually was– hit her back.

'You know Hyejin,' she let out, murmuring the words as they came to her, 'all this here is thanks to you.'

'This? What do you mean?'

'Everything. The fact that I can stand still after yesterday's bombshell; the fact that I can actually enjoy doing this job... Damn it, even the fact that I'm doing this job! Before we met, I had barely imagined that... y'know, I too could be standing on a stage, singing and performing, let alone with people I consider my dearest friends, family even,' she took a short breath, 'and you, of course.'

Hyejin quirked a questioning brow.

'Am I not both family and one of your dearest friends though?'

'No,' she took a look at the joyful lion on her sketchbook, 'No, you're much more than that.'

We share a soul.

'Also,' she went on after a while, 'about puppies, –'

'Oh, don't worry, I was pulling your leg. I don't need you to draw me some puppies anymore.'

'I thought you “loooved” puppies,' Wheein said, impersonating what was supposed to be Hyejin and her excitement when seeing puppies.

She received an inoffensive blow on the arm before Hyejin burst into laughter.

'You do know the whole “teach me how to draw puppies” was a pretext, right?'

'Yes, I figured that out an eternity ago actually. Who do you think I am?'

'No but, like, for two months, I kept trying to find a way to approach you. But you were always in your head, slipping through my fingers, not noticing anything.'

'Oh, I noticed... I just failed to understand why anyone would be interested in me.'

She took a lock of Hyejin's hair between her fingers and put on a shy smile.

'Let's get drunk,' she suddenly blurted out.

'What? Now?' Hyejin asked, taken aback, 'It's a bit too early for that don't you think?'

'Then, let's go somewhere!'

Ah, yes... excited Wheein was a sight she would never get tired of seeing.

'And where do you wish to go?'

'If I said I wanted to go inside the heart of a volcano, would you come with me?'

'I would.'

And there it was, back again, the overflowing confidence. No hesitation, no doubt. She would just go and never question why.

Wheein wasn't surprised anymore, but her admiration for that aspect of her would probably never weaken.

Whatever she did, Hyejin would always be a step further. She was wrong to think that she was her shadow: she preceded her. What amazed Wheein however was that, at the same time, she would never take the opportunity to outdistance her... because that just wasn't how Hyejin was.

She wouldn't have minded remaining behind to be honest, but Hyejin would've never allowed it anyway.

From the moment she had set her eyes on that quiet, insecure and shy transfer student, she knew: they were meant to be, and she'd make her shine.

'Then,' Wheein whispered, 'let's go see the winter sea. Once December schedule is over. Just you and me.'

And although there was no need to blush over this kind of confession after 10 years of the deepest form of love anyone could ever experience, Wheein felt the need to glance away in embarrassment.

But all Hyejin ever does is smile at her, with stars in her eyes and a look of adoration painted all over her face.

And Wheein knows it.

'I love you, Jung Wheein.'

And Wheein loves it.

'I love you too, Hyejinie, more than anything.'

And back then or right now, that's still the only truth they'd believe in.