(1991)

I went to the hospital after I fell down hard when I practiced to do a sommersault during PE class. It's hurt, everything is hurt even after I take some painkillers. The doctor said it's spinal cord injury. They said I'm lucky because nothing serious happened but still I stayed for 10 days and missed a lot in school. Life's . Foolish me failed when did that sommersault act. I thought it will be cool to show it to Ha Rin but how could  it ended up badly like this?

***

(1992)

Today, and just like what happened to me the other day before today, those evil kids throw their half-empty milk to my table during lunch. They wont stop doing that, bugging me, mocking me because of my height. They do that while singing, " Drink this, baby Woo, so you can grow your body. " I'm sick to be threaten this way, but what can I do? The teacher already know and scold them, but they still do that to me behind the teacher. I feel like I want to curse, because I tell myself not to cry, but to whom should I shout my curse at? Ironically, I think it's God's fault for making me like this. God gives me life inside this small body. So God, why You give me such an unfair life? What did I do wrong until I get bullied just because I am the smallest student in my class? Is that really a crime to have a short/small body??

***

I can't take this anymore! They are all utter crap! A useless rubbish! How can they always give me the less-important role in every plays for our School Drama? This time I'm a dwarf. Yes, a dwarf! They give me that role just because my body matched so well to be a dwarf. And isn't that being dwarf that make me furious like this, but it's because I don't have lot of dialogue in this story. And those who have better role, really in doing their part. They can't memorize their script, also everyone is showing a bad acting, bad singing and oh, a very terrible dancing! They can give me that main role and I swear I can perform it much better than them! I'm good at singing, dancing and acting. I can do better than them but no one give me the chance. God, I really hate them so much. Someday I will prove to them that I can be a successful person! Just wait and see. I will work hard to make it come true!

***

(1994 - Christmas)

Last night I had a dream that I was in Heaven. No, I was there not because I was dead. And yes, I can say it's Heaven because I saw God, though it was not really clear because there was this white smoke covered Him, but I heard voice, God's voice. I clearly remembered everything that God told me. God said, everything happened for a reason. Maybe now I hate God and keep blame Him because God wont let me grow normally like the other kids , but then God said that someday I will meet someone very special, who is very nice and kind to me, and I will spend my time with that person and it makes me happy. And God said that we are both destined to be together, through joy and sorrow. God said, when the time comes, when I meet that special person, I would feel so grateful with everything that God give to me. The dream ended after God asked me to promise to always think positively about all of God's gifts and blesses. Because whatever it is, God always gives the best, and it is our way of thinking that tends to see it as something bad.
Alrighty, because today is Christmas, then from now on I promise I will no longer be discouraged by my physical appearance. So what happen if I'm not that tall? At least I'm 100% healthy. Well, that's what matter the most right? And if they still joke around about my body, my height, I'm going to turn their mean words to motivate me so that I become a better Minwoo. Minwoo, hwaiting!!~

***

(1996)

Guess who just won that National Dance Competition??? It's US! Dicky Ducky!! Yes! We won that competition!! We are number 1!!! We beat the other dancers around the region and we are the best dancer!! And what's more shocking than winning the competition is the fact that someone from that SM Company came and shoved me the company's card, said he invited Dicky Ducky to come for a chance for us to be their newest trainee. That SM Company wanted to scout us!! And he also introduced me to another trainees from the company, and I tell you, they are all so cool and awesome! They are from USA! They left Los Angeles and back to Seoul so they can chase their dream to be an Idol under SM Company! How cool is that?? Their names are Eric, Hyesung and Andy. They are all handsome fella. To  be honest, when I write this I still can't believe everything. Is it a dream?? I don't know. But I know that I'm delirious with joy and all kind of happiness. Wow, it's like getting an early Christmas present. God, I'm so blessed!

***

(1997)

We've been here for a year and still no sign for our debut days. It's been a year and we still goes for the BoShinTang names. When will they give us the real name? When will we go into  the recording booth? When will our album come actually ? But as for Eric and Andy, the two of them already experienced it all first before us. They rap for S.E.S song, which the CD will be release in a couple of days. S.E.S spent more than two months preparing for the album, so when will it be our turn?

And oh, Eric also told me that he saw someone exited from Mr. SooMan's room. Could it be the new trainee that the company scouted? What exactly Mr.SooMan think? We are not debut yet but he already add another trainee? 

***

It's real nightmare. Like what I said, based from Eric's information, it's true that the person Eric saw before is the new trainee. Park Choongjae. It's the name. He said he is a junior in Kangta's school. So what now? SM scouted him just because he is a close friend with HOT's member? Whoaa, that's unfair. What happen with us who come to the company because of our hardworks?? That's crazy. And I hate that Choong Jae guy, because ugh he's as tall as Eric and Hyesung! I hate tall people! And to make it worst, he's handsome too. He can rap, and he can dance. Suddenly his presence intimidates me. Darn it. Day by day I feel my future to be Idol getting bleak and all blur. Lord, tell me what should I do? ㅠ.ㅠ

***

(3rd November 1997)

Another new trainee came today. I thought it was just Choong Jae the new trainee but I'm obviously wrong here. Manager introduced him when we had a break time from dance practice.  That kid, came in a beret hat, carrying a bag so big looking so heavy that only God knows what's inside it. His jacket like a Hip-Hop star, and indeed the shirt he was wearing was bigger than his size. I think it's weird for him to pretend like a superstar when he's only just a trainee. But I admit if he has the sweetest smile, maybe because of his dimples. And somehow, I feel like there is a different energy in the room after he appears.  Manager told us that from now and then, he will join us. And oh, his name is Kim Dongwan. And throughout the rest of the day, Dongwan was so noisy and he kept following me, said because he heard that Eric, Hyesung and Andy is come from States, so he afraid they dont understand Korean well. Hell, I don't really like either Choong Jae and Dongwan. Because with them join us, then there are 7 trainees now. My question, are we turning into a 7-member group? If that's so, then I'm not doing this. I wont.

***

Yesterday Dongwan sprayed me with water using the shower! Just because I came to the bathroom when he was still doing his bussiness. I mean, who cares with that? I thought no one inside the bathroom, and we never knock the bathroom door as we always pee and take a bath together, so what's his issue actually?  I know that he probably was shocked because I suddenly entered the toilet. But even after he saw that it's just me, he then frantically pointed the shower to my direction and asked me to get out from the toilet. Of course I refused to leave because I couldn't hold on my bladder anymore. Really that kid is annoying! If he doesn't like our lifestyle, the way we live in dorm, then he should be the one who get out of the dorm. Ah! Suddenly an idea flash to my brain. I'm going to give him a hard times until he feel uncomfortable, and who knows if it success, then maybe he will leave us? Ha! Got you, Kim Dongwan! I wont let you smile anymore! Never again.

***

(December 1997)

I don't know why the good news must come with the bad news. Can't they just give us good news, and skip the bad news?

So 3 days ago our manager called us all in the meeting room. Me, Eric, Hyesung, Andy, Sangjun, Junjin and Dongwan. They announced that SM will make us debut as a boy group with the name SHINHWA, not BoShinTang just like they called us all this time. That name sounds cool. I know is different from other westernized name like HOT/SES or other groups name, but I still like it. But unfortunately, before we could really feel excited with the group name selection, the Manager then dropped the bad news that really made me sad. He said that only 6 of us that will become Shinhwa members. And turned out that it was Sangjun who had to leave us. Really, I feel like I want to cry, oh I already cried, when they left me alone in our room.

After that the Manager told us to get out of the meeting room, and they called Sangjun. I waited in front of the door until a few hours later Sangjun came out and I immediately hugged him. And yes, this shattered broken dreams for debuting as an Idol happen because of Dongwan. I blame Dongwan for what happen to Sangjun. I hate Dongwan! Yes, because of him, Sangjun failed to become a member of Shinhwa. God is really unfair! Sangjun has been went for training longer than Dongwan, but why does he have to go? I am devastated with everything. Sangjun is my friend. Both of us are like brothers. We are struggle together and practice so hard all this time. But why does he have to go back home? Suddenly I feel that I want to end this training in SM, I don't want to be a member of Shinhwa if I'm not with Sangjun. I need to be loyal to my bestfriend. If he can't be idol, then I wont too. But then Sangjun said that we both should not failed our dream. He forced me to stay, that I have to keep fighting to give my best, so that if I succeed, then he will also feel happy.

When I asked the Manager why Dongwan was chosen, not Sangjun, the Manager said that Dongwan has something that others don't have. What a nonsense. What skills? What abilities that is so special until SM picked him and kicked Sangjun out? His voice for so many times doesn't come out when he's recording. His body is very stiff when he dances. Not to mention his height too, he's as short as me, duh!. And, what annoyed me that he is too loud as a humanbeing. He wont stop talking, nagging, being sensitive about petty things! He always come to see me practice for dance and ask me to teach him. No way! I don't want to be nice person in front of him because he ruin Sangjun's dream to debut together with me as SHINHWA. Ugh!!! I hate you, Kim Dongwan!!!!!!! How I'd wish you never come in my life!!

***

21 years later......

Christmas Day

 

" Am I passed out? "

The smell of coffee hit my nostril though I stay still on the bed, unmoved. I open my eyes only after my ear start to hear a noise sound come from somewhere in this place. And that is when my brain start to work again. First thing first is where am I? My eyes see the ceiling and scan around the room, and I feel surge of relief when I realize that I am now in my apartment, not in my parent house and this is my bedroom. But how can I landed here? 

The sound of something being chopped travels through walls, so I assume someone must be busy in the kitchen. And then I remember, yesterday I succesfully ended my 3-days concert and went home with Dongwan. Surprisingly, he was coming to watch my last day concert and shocked the hell out of me when he was already sitting in my dressing room. Well, at first he hid himself behind the giant flower wreath that I noticed wasn't there when I left the dressing room and then he showed up with his smile that really swept away all my tiredness after completing the whole concert. And after I'm done changing my concert outfit, with so much struggle because Dongwan and his bad hand couldn't stop touching me, we decided to go straight to my apartment, although the idea to spend holiday over his house sounds appealing but he came so sudden there's no time for us to make plan.

We went home to my apartment with his car, and because he no longer work with his old agency so he has a new driver and assistant. That's why before we got inside his car, Dongwan warned me about no make out in the backseat of the car, because his new staffs still don't know things going on between us. I listened to his words and I think I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember anything about step inside my room.  

I haul myself off the bed and tiptoeing toward the kitchen. And there he is, my sweet boyfriend Wannie. But wait, can I call him that? Because it's been a while for us to be together like this. Sure, Shinhwa just had a comeback that made us met almost everyday. But to prevent something that might ruin the group's focus and stability, Eric forbid any kind of ual between member so there was no intimacy like the one we have right now. Sometimes I'm not sure with relationship happen between me and Dongwan. Aish, stop it Minwoo. What am I thinking? Should have just shut my mind off cuz right now I'm too overjoy to think about it, so screwed the status because at this moment he's here, in my apartment, in my kitchen, looking so in y with his back facing me, when all he's doing is prepare some breakfast. And Holy Lord, how I wish this could be our daily morning routine. 

He doesn't know I'm already wake up and stand right behind him, or maybe he knows from my footsteps but acts nonchalant, I encircle my arms to his waist and press my mouth to his neck. His shoulder jolts for my action and he turns his head slightly, one side of his dimple greets me, " Merry Christmas, Minwoo. "

" What? " I must be dumbfounded. " Shoot! Of course today is Christmas! How can I forget it, foolish me! And oh, yes, yes. Merry Christmas for you too, Dongwan-ah. "

I turn his body around so we are face to face just so I can get myself a kiss from him. To my dissapointment, he gives me a quick kiss as he pulls himself right after I'm having a taste of his lips. Hell, if only he isn't busy with the dishes he is now making, I swear I'm going to scramble and bury my face into him. But I know he will be with me for the whole day so I'm gonna be good and play it all smooth. No need to be in a rush. And yeah, suddenly my starving stomach beg for my attention so maybe right now what I need the most is delicious food not a morning make out session.

" I assume I must have fallen asleep last night, right? " I ask while I pour myself an orange juice.

" Yeah, either you were dead tired because of the concert or it must be so damn boring for you to behave yourself in the car, so yeah you slept all the way home. "

I chuckle. " What on Earth had I done wrong to you Wan till you tortured me like that? It's really unfair of you because you yourself didn't behave when we were in my dressing room and I said nothing about that. "

" I'm sorry. " is what he says in respond as he is busy setting up a plate for the both of us. 

" Apology accepted just because you are now feeding my hungry tummy and because today is Christmas. "

Dongwan smiles. " Speaking of which, why is your place lack of Christmas spirit? You don't even have any Christmas Tree here. "

" I put one on my parent home because that is where I thought I will spend my Christmas, that's why I don't bother myself to decorate this place. How about you? Do you find a way to put that Star ornament on top of your tree? "

Dongwan's frown appears for a sec before he laughs, his mind trace back to what happened last year when he built that Christmas Tree during his VLive. I cracked myself too when I watched how his patience went off after he realized that it wasn't an easy job to put a Christmas tree alone.

Dongwan clears his throat and he asks with a teasing grin. " But my question is, without christmas tree and sock hangs by the fire, then where can I hide my Christmas present ? "

" I thought your presence here today is already part of your Christmas gift, so you still have more? "

He nods. He then grabs something from inside his pocket and gives it to me.

" A ticket to your musical! " I beam, and realize if its odd for Dongwan to invite me because he make it so clear that he doesn't want any Shinhwa member to watch his musical. " So now, is no longer an issue for us to watch your musical? " 

" I invite you but rules are still rules nevertheless. You can come as a ninja so no need to tell me when. And make sure I wont notice you, or, if I do find you between the crowds, please don't do anything that could distract me. Anyway, after today's schedule then I still have, " He pauses and counts with his finger, " about 10 performance left until next month so you can arrange your schedule and watch when you have a spare time. "

" Wait, what? You have schedule for today??? "

" Yeah, I requested the team to put me on stage during Christmas day. Why? Why are you so surprised? "

" Damn it, Wan. I want you here with me all day. Aish. "

Dongwan senses my dissapointment as he reaches out for my hand and holds it tightly. " Minwoo-ah I'm sorry. But guess what? I'm free tomorrow and the day after. For today I suggest you to get some rest and then you can have me for two days straight. How about that? "

I'm weighing the option but of course I will say yes for the offer. " What time you have to go for your musical then? "

" I start at 2 so Tae Hak will pick me up at 11. "

" Then I'll come with you and wait till you finish your job. Don't mind me cuz I can use the free time to catch up with Tae Hak. And after that we'll back here and I'm going to lock you for 2 days. "

" Okay. That's sounds like a very good plan. "

I fake my pout and decide to some more. " By the way, cuz you say that you need to be ready at 11 means after breakfast is not an option, huh? "

" Sadly nope, but you know we still can save it for later. Although I crave it so bad just like you. "

I groan in frustration. " Not even a cuddle? C'mon, Wan, it's Christmas! 'C' in Christmas can also means 'Cuddle', you know? "

This time Dongwan goes soft as he stares at me with such an endearment in his eye. " I think a cuddle for starters will do. Shall we go to your bed now? "

Next thing I know after I drop my utensil off of my hand is Dongwan scoops me up from the chair, like what I did to him when we ended our Hongkong concert, and just like that he carries me back to my bedroom. 

***

Christmas Eve, Minwoo's apartment

It may sounds like what we're doing is a sinful but hell, I wont lie because nothing could be better than having with Dongwan right on Christmas eve. That guy, for God's sake, even after he worked so hard for the musical but he still got the energy left to please my ual desire over him. And we do it right away, soon after we hugged Taehak goodbye and closed the door. We wasted no time as we started to undress each other immediately, impatiently. Because previously, when me and Taehak were waiting for Dongwan's musical ended, I told Taehak that impossible for me to keep my hands off of Dongwan so I desperately asked Taehak to drive us back home instead of Dongwan's regular driver. He agreed to it, and pretty much cool when he saw us made out through the rear-view mirror. 

Several minutes pass after our hit us so hard, but it doesn't stop Dongwan to keep his inside me. And when he finally pulls out completely, I whimper. We're both panting so hard we decide to cool down before we start it all over again. And eventhough our body remain on top of my bed, but thruthfully we're no longer there as we're floating on cloud nine already.

" Remind me to send a Thank You gift to Taehak, will you? " I say after my breathe become normal again. " Not just that he skillfully distracted your fans from seeing me when I hopped into your car but he also distracted me from thinking dirty all about you. And he was nice enough to know how badly I wanted to touch you he didn't mind to be our driver. Our Managers always that helpful, Shinhwa wont last long without their hardwork and loyalty. "

" A Thank You gift for Taehak, noted. " Dongwan answers but his voice is more like a whisper.

The rest of the distance between us is gone as I shift my body and scoot closer before I rest my head on his chest.  with Dongwan is beyond amazing but cuddling after is like having a nice dessert after a scrumptious main course. And that's what we are doing now.

" I asked fans what song they wanted me to cover for this concert. Many of them requested that Shape of You song from Ed Sheeran. And you know, Dongwan? I just realized if you actually turn the lyric into reality. "

" Sing the lyric to me then. "

I start to sing the song again. " Hey, you know I want your love. Your love was handmade for somebody like me. Come on now, follow my lead. I may be crazy, don't mind me. Say, boy, let's not talk too much. Grab on my waist and put that body on me. Come on now, follow my lead. Come, come on now, follow my lead. I'm in love with the shape of you. We push and pull like a magnet do. Although my heart is falling too. I'm in love with your body. And last night you were in my room. And now my bedsheets smell like you. Every day discovering something brand new. I'm in love with your body "

" But of course I'm in love with everything about you, Wan, not just your body. " I stop singing and quickly correct myself.

" I know. And I love you too, Minwoo. "

Dongwan kisses the top of my head and runs his lips over my jaw, down to my throat before he attacks my lips lustfully. As easy as that and my become full and hard again. 

" I've been thinking about this all day, Wan. I know that with you I can always set up the highest expectation and you wont dissapoint me. That's what I like from you, fact that you never turn me down. "

" Well it's part of the mission I need to accomplish in my life, Minwoo, to keep you turn on and ready for me. There's no way for me to fail it. "

" Thanks, Wan. I mean it. Not just for the , but literally for all. You came to my concert and it leads to all of these, and there's still 48 hours more to go before we, " Well, I trail off. Not sure about the next word I want to say. Ugh, separation and goodbyes is what I hate the most even if its for temporary . 

" Shhhh, it's okay. You have me. No need to think about other things. At least not now, or you will ruin my mood. " He pets my hair lovingly.

And I remember about something. " Hey, Wan. I forget to tell you about this. So my sister found my old diary when she went down to get the Christmas ornament from our storage room. It's not my orange diary the one I showed to fans during our Fan Party, it's the previous one that I used when I was a middle schooler. " I stop to make sure Dongwan not fall asleep, and glad that his eyes still wide open, staring straight back at me so I continue my story, " It's hard to catch what I wrote because most of the paper is already turn yellow and the ink smeared all over the page. But there's this one page where I rewrite my encounter with God. Lol yeah, I totally forgot if I dreamed of heaven and in my dream I had this serious one on one talk with God. It's the time where I got bullied by my classmate and I was so mad I blamed God everytime I felt angry. Because my mindset was like, if you dislike your nose, your face or even if you want to get rid all the fats in your body, you can fix it but nothing you can do about your height, right? Even milk or supplement can't do much to make you grow taller. So I'm stuck with this body. And in my dream, God told me that one day I'll meet someone special in my life that I no longer think my height as a problem. God told me that once I found that person, I'll be the luckiest person in this universe and later I'll thanks the God for sending me that person to my life. And I believe that the person is you, Dongwan. I'm 100% sure that we are destined to be together. "

Dongwan only nods his head, showing his agreement to my story. But still, his reaction is weak I'm not satisfied so I ask him again. " You do? I mean, do you believe if we belong together? "

" Uh-um, that's what I believe too, Minwoo. All this time. Without any single doubt. I don't even need God to tell me about it cuz I already know that we belong to each other. And your story is just emphasize everything. So thank God, for sending me someone like you. And no, I think isn't the right word to say. I should thank God because He give me a lover, a friend and a family. "

" Yeah, I'm so blessed I don't think I can't thank God enough for you. "

Dongwan suddenly squeezes my hand and says, " Hey, how about we go to Church tomorrow? "

I'm surprise with the sudden idea, but it's sounds exactly just like him. " Hmm, if you want to go then I'll go with you. "

Now his face turns brighter. " And what if we tell the others to go too? "

" You mean, our members? "

Dongwan nods. " Yeah, and maybe after that we can have a group lunch. What do you think? " 

" I'm not sure, Wan. I mean, Andy just released his new song and Hyesung has a couple days before his year-end concert, I don't know what Eric and Jin are up to but I bet they are busy so I don't think the boys can spare us a time for sudden meetup. "

" Ey, why are you being skeptical? I think they will come. Trust me. If they decline, at least we already invite them so no problem. "

I take a long exhale before I say, " Okay, we will tell them about this idea. But later, okay? "

" Why later? Just go grab your phone, or I'll do that. " Dongwan is about to get off from bed but I quickly pull him back. " Why, Minwoo? "

Goddamn. I can't resist when Dongwan's face is confused like that. He's just too cute.

" I said 'let's do that later' because right now you are making me again and I want to return the favor by  you so hard you'll cry. " There's a blush all over Dongwan's face as my explicit innuendo finally hit his brain. " But, it's okay. I leave it up to you, Wan. If you insist to call them, then do it. "

He grins. And I smile. " C'mere, boy. It's time for you to enjoy your Christmas gift. " I tug Dongwan toward me before I spin him around and ready to grinding up on him. Make love to him. All night long.

 

 

***** the end *****