He knew it was coming, and he could not postpone it.

 

Coming back after a back to back blow on his personal life and his group was tough but as the leader, he knew better than to succumb to the pain of his heart, there are people counting on him, people who wanted to see him smile, people who love him. But deep down, no matter how bright the pearl aqua light is, nothing compared to the blue light that used to shine next to him.

 

It’s been tough, and he knew he was partly the cause of everything that unfolded the past few months, but he also knew they did not blame him for what had happened, he did not blame him. Jinki sighed and ran a hand on his hair to clear up his mind, and it felt so quiet in his solitude, yet there was no peace, just darkness.

 

 

“What would you do?” Jinki asked no one in particular, he was all alone in his room, covered in darkness that he chose to envelop himself in. “I always had your light Jonghyun, You were my everything.” He said and he felt tears well up in his eyes.

 

 

It was silly to think that the pain lessened as the months passed but it didn’t and each time, even a mere flash of his smiling face, he found himself crying; the pain never really left nor eased, he just got numbed from time to time. Was he okay? Perhaps yes, perhaps not.

 

 

“What would you do?” Jinki asked again and closed his eyes, head resting back on the wall behind him as he clutched his knees towards his body. “What would you do?” He asked again and tears fell from his tired eyes.

 

 

Sleep was his refuge from the reality of losing and missing his dearly beloved, his bright moon, his Jonghyun. And each time he would dream of him and his bright smile, it brought Jinki peace and hope because in his dreams, Jonghyun would assure him that it was going to be fine, and that they will meet again. But each time he wakes up with tear stained face, he felt cold and alone in the darkness of his room.

 

 

“What would you do?” He asked once more and cried himself to sleep.

 

I would sing to you.

 

 

Jinki jolted awake, panting and sweating as he looked around the dark room. Did he just hear him? But there was nothing he could see nor hear, yet his heart was racing and his mind was wide awake, it can’t be all but a dream? “Jonghyun?” He called out yet the silence was deafening. “Jonghyun?” He called out again but still no answer. And Jinki felt his heart break yet another time realizing he would no longer hold the man he dearly loved, not now, not ever.

 

 

“You’re unfair.” Jinki cried out. “You’re unfair.” He repeated and clutched the shirt as his heart ached inside him. “I miss you so much Jonghyun.” Jinki cried out and he let it all out, the pain that was consuming him. “I miss you Jonghyun.” He repeated until his tears run dry, his eyes closed and his world became as dark as a moonless night sky.

 

 

 

A blue light

 

 

Jinki woke up panting once more but this was not a night mare, it was a beautiful dream. Jonghyun, his Jonghyun, was smiling and beaming at him. He ran to the balcony and stepped out into the cool breeze and gaze up into the sky. There was a bright moon, almost in completion of its fullness, and he smiled for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t a blue moon, but it was still a moon in what seemed to be a vast blue sky.

 

“You really are watching over me Jonghyun.” He muttered as he closed his eyes and allowed the gentle wind to blow and envelope him in comfortable coldness. Jinki started to hum, something they worked on when they were trainees, something that they recorded but was never released as a duet. “I really miss you.” Jinki muttered and he felt the breeze blew gently, tousling his hair and tickling his skin. “Cry with me.” Jinki muttered and before he could shed the first few tears, he felt droplet fall and wet his cheeks. “Thank you.” Jinki whispered and soon he let out his tears along with the pitter and patter of the June shower.

 

 

You are the light in my head

 

Jinki knew what Jonghyun would do, he would write down his thoughts and feelings and he would turn the mess in his mind into a beautiful song. So he did just that, he wrote Jonghyun a song, he wrote his promise of undying love. It amazed him how Jonghyun did it, how mere words translated into music, and masterpieces that became inspiration for others. Jinki never really understood, but he was willing to try. Little by little, word per word, the empty pages were slowly filled with his thoughts, mostly of how he saw Jonghyun, and how much he made him feel.

 

Alive

 

Jonghyun made him feel alive. And that was something he loved about the younger, he just made him continue to live despite the hardships they encountered. Jonghyun was his bright light, brighter than any constellation that existed, and it made him shine as well because Jonghyun was the type to let himself shine so others can see four other people behind him, he casted away shadows so they can stand as five, always five.

 

 

Jinki held back his tears as he flipped through each page. He encircled words that meant a lot to him, like red lips that reminded him of how sweet they were on his, and precious smile that would make him smile too. He sighed, he felt empty without Jonghyun and his heart ached so much. “Why do you have to leave me?” Jinki cried out and soon, the pages of his notebook were soaked with tears.

 

The spaces of my mind that are empty.

I’ll fill you in.

 

When he turned in his lyrics, it was never his intention to have a solo album yet Key, Taemin and Minho were there and smiled at him, supporting him in this because they knew that this was his closure. They were there when he recorded it and they were witnesses of how many tears he shed while he sang the final song he should’ve sung for him. Each time he would finish, he would feel the emptiness inside him but as he closed his eyes and flashes of Jonghyun smiling at him, it somehow comforted and assured him, he was doing what’s best for him, for himself and for everyone.

 

In my own voice

With My song

For the sake of Everyone’s happiness

 

 

Jonghyun had always told him how his voice had constantly given him hope and happiness, and that is something he held on to; his voice is something he was gifted to, to use as an instrument for channeling happiness. This was all that was left for him, his voice and passion for singing, and if it meant that it could bring joy and happiness to people listening to him, then he’ll use it until no sound comes out of him.

 

As he watched Key fiddled with his pen when choosing an album title, he looked at the two displayed on the shelf and smiled, surely Taemin was their ace, a scrawny teenager that blossomed into a threat, and Jonghyun was their base, a strong and solid foundation that SHINee could rely on.

 

 

“Face.” Jinki uttered and Key looked at his leader with a confused expression. ‘you were always the pretty one Kibum, you are our face.” Jinki said and Key smiled at him.

 

 

‘Are you turning sentimental on me hyung?” Key asked and Jinki nodded. “Then you are our voice.” Key said and it made Jinki tear up. “You knew it right, how much he loved your voice?” Key asked and Jinki nodded.

 

“He never failed to remind me, despite the cracks in my voice, or the off key and off tunes I committed.” Jinki replied and Key nodded.

 

 

“Because it is true, your voice is lovely hyung, and it brought happiness to a lot of people, not just Jonghyun hyung.” Key said, placing a hand on Jinki and squeezing it gently.

 

 

“I just wished he could’ve waited a bit more to hear it.” Jinki confessed, now silently crying and Key moved to embrace the older.

 

 

“He hears it, he always does.” Key replied and Jinki could only nod in agreement, because Jonghyun does, he always listens.

 

 

 

Baby you are my everything.

I can do all for you.

I love you.

 

As Jinki saluted to his family, members and fans that gathered to send him off, he smiled wide and thanked them before promising to return to them safely. He then looked up to the sky and saluted one last time before he stepped inside the facility. He took a deep breath and stepped in line, he can do this; for himself and for him, because he loves him. And the wind blue gently and enveloped him in a strange warmth despite the biting cold of winter.

 

 

a/n: Written while listening to Shine on you. Please give Onew’s album lots of love.