Shape of you

Minho is deceived, disappointed, disaffected (just a little). He has no problem with Seungyoon, at all, but he isn't the one he was expecting, waiting for. Of course, he is thankful that he is here, giving him support before his stage, but Seungyoon is a friend and he loves him like a brother (and the one he wants is the one he loves in a different way, nothing against Seungyoon). It's simply that Seungyoon is not Jinwoo (and Jinwoo is not here where Minho wants him to be).

He knows it is probably all his fault: lately he hasn't been there for him so it's just normal that Jinwoo doesn't want to (though he has supported him in other ways not so easy to see but, still, Minho misses him, he can't do it alone - he needs Winner even if he is promoting his solo).

The stage feels big and empty (the spotlight is all on him but he can't enjoy it fully; it is not the same dancing all by himself, the pressure is all on his shoulders and he can't fly alone - he doesn't know how, he has always have them with him, his support, the net under his feet when he was walking on the edge, at the top of the cliff; Jinwoo in between the crew, smiling reassuringly; the air is hot and he breathes hard in, trying to remember the steps he has learned by heart).

Jinwoo is the one who can lift up his worries, his fears (he blows them gently and Minho feels secured, at ease). His feelings for him have rot like ivies, climbing up inside his bones, twined at his utmost core. He has loved him since the start since he first met him (young and chained to his own wings, to his flaws despite him being flawless, perfect, back then he couldn't believe in himself, belittled and compared to the others always without realizing how much his worth was: diligent hardworking, amazing).  He is his main bolster until now when Jinwoo is nowhere to be found and Minho misses him, his thoughtfulness, his smile, the way he has to make things much better with only a few words (and where is him when he needs him the most? He hasn’t seen him since yesterday and he stares at his phone, waiting for a call, a text but none of the millions he has is from the one he is waiting for - he closes the screen and sighs).

He knows why Jinwoo is so evasive with him; he arose the awkwardness between them, staying for too long away (despite it killing his heart), nights composing, morning sleeping, always working. And Jinwoo was left alone in the practice room, hanging with shadows of friends no longer present. And now he is giving him a cold shoulder and he is aware of him deserving it, all the empty stares and the voiceless of his home, silenced because whenever he is there, Jinwoo is not. He can’t point the date precisely but have sensed it for a while going on, and it’s not Jinwoo being jealous because he would never be (he is far too gracious for that, too kind, always wishing them success in everything even if that means for him to stay behind once more, he doesn’t care - because he loves them enough). Despite it all, despite long days on his own, Jinwoo has listened to his songs, given him his honest opinion (and Minho was blessed with blinding grins and excited approvals for every one of his tracks; with this his album was formed, ready to be delivered, performed - all thanks to Jinwoo who is not here on his one first Music Core Show).

Fiancé is hard but less burdening (the stage is filled with the dancers and, even without s, it doesn’t feel that cold, he dances to the beat and hears Seungyoon cheering for him, the crowd screaming the lyrics and chants and he feels contented for a moment that stretches until the end of the song); Her is another story; he is alone with the mannequins he built last night thinking about Jinwoo (blue roses that symbolize the miracle that he is, how he is trapped with his thorns on his skin, the stars following him and the melancholy on his voice singing).

Jinwoo will never love him (but the show must go on and so he puts his façane and does what he does the best - the public applaud, so loud that covers the yelling strings of his heart). Once it’s all done, he wants for nothing but to go home (to curl under the duvet and never get up again - life without Jinwoo doesn’t worth much but he has schedules, promises to fulfill and so he tries hard despite being exhausted (fans are waiting and he won’t disappoint them, from whom he gains strength when he is at his lowest, when he needs a rest he can’t allow himself to enjoy).

Next morning though, Jinwoo is already on the car before him, smiling beatifically. He looks at him, dumbfounded, startled.

“Did you think I wouldn’t come to support you?” he teases him, beaming. Minho wants to hurl under the ground (praying for Earth to swallow him whole). “I was the only one fine with Inkigayo at 4 am,” and this makes sense (it does because Seungyoon is an owl person and Seunghoon is out, back to Busan for an event that was planned before his comeback was due to be - but it was postponed and so Seunghoon won’t be able to be here, not that it matters now that Jinwoo’s hand is enlaced with his own, his fingers tracing laces on his palm, dissolving nerves and doubts). Jinwoo has constellations collapsing inside his eyes and Minho gets lost in them (this time performing is so easy, so smooth, knowing that Jinwoo is on the backstage, rooting for his achievements).

When he comes back, after greeting the other singers and congratulate them profusely, polite and courteous, he runs to Jinwoo, too excited over his reaction, to learn what does he thinks about his performance (his heart can’t stay still, beating at the same pace as the drums of his songs).

He isn’t expecting that.

Minho opens the door and Jinwoo flashes, running to him, to embrace him in a hug so tight he can feel his bones underneath and his hands on his back are so gentle, so sweet, he could melt on the spot. He fits there perfectly, as if handmade to be near Jinwoo, to be encircled with his arms forever (and it’s a nice thought, a silly smile all over his features and Jinwoo looks at him, curiously).

“I thought you hated me, but here you are,” he explains, holding his hands. Jinwoo’s face is grim for a second (as if remembering, the sky on his eyes is clouded with threatening rain and Minho regrets what he has said but the words have reached him and, so, there is no way back).

“No, I don’t hate you, but I was disappointed… Not because you have been busy but because you didn’t want me around anymore.”

It has to be a mistake, an error, a misunderstood since he can barely survive a day without Jinwoo. Minho’s grip on his hand tightens, intending to say what words can’t convey.

“I always want you around, Kim Jinwoo”, he says in the end, too scared to let it spread more (he has to prevent Jinwoo from feeling this way, undeserved, unloved, alone). “I would have liked for you to come along to Burning Planet or the Leica Exhibition. I would love for you to be always by my side. I would love to have you always close to me. Hyung, I’ve missed you deathly and I’m sorry for leaving you. I hoped that you, somehow, would reach for me. You have always done that before,” he states (and it’s the truth, Jinwoo has always known when Minho needed him the most).

“Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was waiting for you to come home”.

“I am home now, hyung,” he whispers, arms thrown over him, holding him still.

“Yes, we are home”.

Maybe Jinwoo doesn’t understand his art (but he pretends to be interested, asking the meaning behind a burned chair, suppressing yawns and looking pensive and unfocused) but he is holding his hand and, at the end of their visit, Jinwoo smiles shimmers, bathing Minho with its light and he captures his lips and lets the peachy taste draws him in.