Is love worth it all? That question has been stuck in my head for a long time now. It pops up in my mind wherever I go, no matter if it's when I'm trying to focus on the performance, even though all of my thoughts should be gone. Wasn't I trying to get rid of the question before I went on the stage? It's haunting me even when I'm taking a shower or just doing nothing, sitting on a couch. Alone. Waiting for the day I could hear you talking to me again. Hyuna, what have I done? I was about to answer this question in my mind, when I suddenly felt someone's arms around my waist. Of course, it was you. Tentatively, I turned my head around to look into your glazed eyes. The same thing again. I see you in this state every day. Every day, your shoulders are being smashed by the weight of consequences caused by your behavior. You really need someone, who would help you carry this weight, let you get some rest from it.

'Jiyoon, I'm sorry,' you said quietly, turning your glance away from me. You seemed sad and embarrassed. And you said those two, now empty, words. They didn't have any value for me anymore, they lost their true, magic meaning. The magic meaning that made me forgive you every damn mistake. So why was I still staring at you like a fool, and decided to let you off the hook? I guess we both don't know the answer. We can keep on guessing. Maybe it's because of the fact that we couldn't make it without one another.  We couldn't watch the latter being upset and miserable. Not for long. If we could burn with love, we'd be coal now. But do you remember the period when we couldn't stand each other? When we tried to end all of this. It lasted for a week. That's how long we could survive. Tell me, isn't it what you were ashamed of? 

'Hyuna, I need to talk to you,' I interrupted your happy conversation with Sohyun. At the beginning, you didn't even look at me, but when you felt the latter's mystified look, you gave up to not arouse suspicion. She had seen us fighting and spitting poisonous venom way too many times. We went outside. We barely got out when I heard your caustic tone saying, 'What do you want?'

'It will take us only few minutes', I answered, feeling the fear taking over me slowly, 'Then you don't even have to see me again.' I suggested to go farther from the house, to make sure no one will hear us. We stopped by the gateway. There were a lot of dark clouds in the sky and cold spring wind that gave us goosebumps. But who cares?  

The sound of you crying, muffled by the fabric of my shirt, stopped me from thinking. Are you crying again? Hyuna, sweetheart, I'm worried that if everything will keep going this way, you'll be out of your mind soon. The worst thing about it is, that you're hurting yourself. You cry, because you don't understand that I have the right to stay in touch with other people. What's wrong with talking to Gayoon, laughing with her, having fun together? She's my best friend. We're in the same group, she's your friend too, yet I don't get mad when you talk to her. Why do you hate my converstations with Jihyun, when she seems to be worried and I want to comfort her? She's our leader, so we should support her. Because it's her, who always pay attention to us the most, and tries to cheer us up somehow. Sohyun is the youngest amongst us. We want to give her safety and keep an eye on her, she's still so young. Why can't I be happy, but you can? 

 You keep on saying you're not jealous, but when I make eye contact with anyone, you throw strange accusations at me. Hyuna, what kind of are you trying to do? Why do you want me for yourself only, giving me nothing in return for being always yours? Only thing I got from you lately is coldness and emotionless. You aren't the same person, who was looking after me and showed me her love. You have changed. You have changed, because you were finally able to find your whole world and you threw it in the corner, never noticing you did. I feel like a toy, which you can come back to when you're bored. Lack of attention makes you insane. I felt your grip getting stronger, your hands holding the shred of my shirt like your life depended on it, like I was about to run away. But you knew exactly, that I couldn't do this to you. So cry for us both, cry for our misfortune. Because you know, Kim Hyuna, I still love you and every glimmer of hope is my excuse to stay with you.  

I still couldn't believe what you've said to me. You've hurt me, left a deep wound in my heart that will never heal. It's the reason why I'm getting weaker and weaker everyday. Every single day you keep on cutting my heart into tiny pieces, your actions as sharp as a razor blade. Soon, my heart will stop existing. Everything will fall apart.

'From a disgusting person that you are, I was expecting that. Don't worry, I was prepared for this. Finally, my agony with you ends here, Jeon Jiyoon.' Those words still lingered in my mind. In your opinion, I was a monster. So why did you even agreed on being with me? Why did you keep on lying, saying you love me? Looking for answers, I stood in the rain, letting it soak me. I swear, the sky was crying with me that day. In the evening, I came back to our dorm. I started to regret that I switched rooms with Sohyun two years ago. I didn't want to look at you, but I was doomed to do so. And that's how the next few days passed. We were pretending everything is okay in front of the others. But we weren't holding each other anymore. The girls could sense something was wrong. But no one asked any questions aloud. Then, came the night when I was woken up by a strong embrace. After all the you did, you were brave enough to lay down on my bed and embrace me with all of your strenght. Tell me, why? With that action, you just melted my heart, I didn't have the courage to refuse you, to wake you up and tell you to get off me. Because you know, Hyuna, I was still thinking of you all the time, I missed you. I guess you must have been thinking the same. You ate less, seemed tired and sleepy all the time. Now, you're snuggled next to me, reminding me of a little kid that was scolded and seeking sanctuary. When we woke up in the morning, I felt you were looking at me, there was an uncomfortable silence between us, which you interrupted with words that I couldn't ignore. I guess it was the time I understood it wasn't a lie. It was poison.

'I love you. I'm sorry I've said all those things to you, I hope you will forgive me someday,' you almost whispered these words, as if you were afraid. You were embracing me so hard, like you were ready to die. 

I your head, trying to calm you down. There are a lot of things that human's mind can't undersand. Such as love. Each day looked exactly the same: waking up, eating breakfast, having conversations with the girls, you getting mad at me for nothing, acting cold and telling me you don't care about me. We spend some time sperated from each other. Then, the evening comes, and we are together again. You apologise, crying in my arms, begging me for mercy. We're not the same. We both have changed. It's not you who I fell in love with. I am not the same person that loved you. We may be inside the same bodies since birth, yet the person inside is different. We are ourselves only when we cry. Because only when we cry, we're the same pathetic people we have always been. Sometimes I get that vision of me drowning. I lose my breath and I'm so close to the end. The rustle of the sea makes me relax, and the water is caressing my skin. Water is your tears, and the rustle of the sea is your cry. It brings me back to reality, which is unchangeable. I still love you and I would do anything to keep you by my side.

'Are you mad at me?' You asked that question again. And again and again, every ing day. Monotony, meaninglessness, boredom, levity. It all filled my body. So, I tell you, 'No, sweetheart, now everything's alright,' lying to myself. Eventually, you lay down your head on my lap, just to fall asleep. I cover you with a blanket, and look at how sweet you look when you sleep. I see the angel that stole my heart. Your breath seems to be the sweetest in the world. Your lips, often covered with red lipstick, cause my knees to weaken. Your touch makes me eager for it, because it soothes all the pain. You seemed to be ideal. Everything starts to be so easy. But today, I got that one thought in my mind. If we drown together, we wouldn't mind what happens next. If we drown together, you will be forever mine, and I will be forever yours. Nobody could seperate us. We would float in the water, till the end of the world. I know it's selfish, but I have to ask you this,

 Kim Hyuna, if I would drown, would you drown with me?