Wake up in Tokyo, feel like a torso I know it’s time to go.

 

I didn’t want to get up from my bed. I laid still, my body feeling numb and fighting against me. The dim lights outside my window from the busy nightlife flickered in front of me. I sighed, too many thoughts were circulating my brain. Suddenly, her face pops up and I shake my head. All of our memories, all of our time together, it’s still there. I so badly want to hold on to those beautiful moments, but they’re slightly fading away from me. She is still all I can think of, and I don’t know whether to smile or cry.

 

Do I miss myself? Do I miss your face? I don’t know, I don’t know.

 

What am I even doing here? I knew I needed to go home. We needed to sort all the things out, but I was too afraid. Too afraid to face her, too afraid of what she might say, too afraid of what might happen. The memories from that night haunted me again; the screaming, the tears, the neverending pain in my heart. I shook my head and turned to lay sideways. If I closed my eyes I could see her laying next to me, sleeping peacefully. Her beautiful face, soft skin, cute smile, small frame. I wanted to reach out to touch her, but then the mirage of her disappeared. Then I started hearing her voice, but it wasn’t that sweet angelic sound she used to have. It was angrier, more hurt, and more harmful. It was exactly that voice she had during that night. That night, so alike many others the past three months. She probably doesn’t want to see me, but I can’t help but wonder how it all became like this and if she still feels the same like before.

 

Why do love and hate sound just the same to me?

 

I get up, get dressed, pack the suitcase and leave the hotel. Everything felt heavy, from the moment I stepped out of the building to when I sat down in the airplane. I didn’t want to go back but I didn’t want to stay either. I knew it was an escape-mechanism when flying here, to get away from the things that brought me down. However, I’ve never felt this empty while travelling alone. Could it be because of her? Or is it just me?

 

All I need is me, I know. But why do I feel lonely? I feel so lonely when I’m with me, I feel so lonely when I’m with me.

 

As soon as I stepped my foot in Seoul a wave of mixed emotions washed over me. I never truly felt “home” in this city, I only moved here because of work and because of her. Sure, it has it’s beauty and charm, but it’s still not home. I look around through the taxi-window, seeing places connected to memories with her. The café we had our first date, the park where we used to walk in all the time, my work-place where I first met her… What once were beautiful memories to look back on, are now painful to be reminded of.

 

I love you Seoul, I hate you Seoul.

 

The car stops. My breath gets caught in my throat. Am I already here? I’m not ready to face her yet. Still, I get out of the cab and eyed the apartment. Our apartment. My heart dropped to my stomach and my knees felt weak. I didn’t want to go in, scared of every possible scenario that might happen. Time almost stood still and the only thing I had to calm me was the slow rain falling from the sky. The raindrops hit my skin heavily to remind me this is here and now, that this is reality. So, I picked up my bags and slowly walked up to the gates with a lowered head.

 

Slow rap, slow jam, slow rain, everything slow. When it rains it pours, when it rains it pours, it pours.

 

The keys in my hands felt heavy when I put them in the lock. The door unlocked and I hesitated for a second before opening it. What if she’s not home? What if she’s waiting for me? What if she’ll throw me out? What if she moved out? Too many questions circulated my mind and the anxiety was building up but I tried to tell myself that it will all be alright. I wanted to stay positive, I wanted to stay hopeful but it was difficult. The tension within me was at sky-high level when I finally gathered the courage to pull down the handle.

 

Everything, everything, everything goes.

 

The apartment looked just the same as I had left it. I’ve only been gone three days so I didn’t expect much, except the emptiness and sadness in the air was thicker than I’d imagine. I slowly walked inside on high alert for any kind of sound or movement. As I reached the kitchen I saw her sitting there by the table in all her beauty and glory. I almost broke down as soon as I saw her, all the memories washed over me like a deluge. All the love I felt for her before was still present, never truly fading away. Her eyes were glossy, her cheeks tear-stained and her hair a mess, but she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on. It was like looking at a painting, her sitting there bathing in the moonlight looking out through the window. She must’ve sensed my presence for she let out a heavy but broken sigh and looked down at the mug in her hands. A sad smile played on her lips as she slowly looked up to meet my eyes and my knees felt weak. I wanted to run up to her, embrace her in my arms, kiss her, love her, comfort her, but I was frozen in my spot. I knew I was the reason behind her sadness, which made me feel even worse.

 

Moonchild, don’t cry, when moon rise, it’s your time.

 

We stood silent for a couple of seconds just looking at each other. Millions of thoughts about what to say cirkled my head, there was so many things I wanted to tell her but all that left my mouth was an awkward “hey”. She said “hi” back with a voice that was trying hard to cover how broken she was. Again, I was at lost for words to say even though millions of options spun around my mind. She sighed and stood up to walk over to the counter, and I followed her like a child waiting to get scolded.

“So, where did you go this time Namjoon?” She asked, slight bitterness in her voice and eyes averting mine.

“Ehm, Tokyo…”

“Oh, Tokyo huh. Never been there, was it nice?” Her sarcastic behavior kind of took me aback, it wasn’t like her to act that way.  

“Are we really gonna pretend like nothing happened?” She stopped for a second and then shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

“Well we’ve done it before so I’m used to it.”

“You’re acting a bit childish.” I couldn’t help the words falling of my tongue, which was a mistake.

“Oh, I’M childish?! You don’t think running away from your problems is childish? Because that’s what you’ve done just now and have been doing the last couple of months.”

”I know it was childish, but-”

”But what?!” She interrupted, slightly raising her voice. ”What excuse do you have to leave me when I needed you the most?” I stood frozen again, feeling shame aand guilt washing over me. 

“I- I just… needed to clear my head, to get away and think…”

“Oh you wanted to get away from me? Is that it?”

“That’s not what I meant, don’t mark words and let me explain!”

“I am letting you explain but you’re not giving me any valid reasons!” I groaned in irritation and started pacing the floor back and forth. I noticed she flinched at my movements, as if she was scared of me which made me stop in my steps and take a deep breath. I don’t want to hurt her, I never meant to harm her…

“Look I don’t want to fight I just want to try making things right.”

“Okay, then apologize”, she answered shortly and crossed her arms over her chest, making me eye her doubtfully.

“How about we both apologize to each other.”

“I have nothing to apologize for!”

“Oh really?! Do you even remember how it all started? You were the one throwing unnecessary tantrums and getting overly jealous all the time!”

“Oh so it’s all my fault now is it?! And I had every right to get jealous, you were hanging out with a lot of female co workers and fans, but most of all you started prioritizing your job over me. Do you know how lonely I felt during those nights you never came home from work or those weeks you were away on tour? You were never there for me, you were never present. You missed my birthday, our anniversary, my graduation, and yet you kept promising you’d be there.”

 

You and my life was like this, we gotta dance in the rain, dance in the pain, even though we crash down, we gon dance in the plane.

 

Her words left me speechless. I wanted to say something in my defence but I knew it was meaningless. When she noticed I wasn’t answering she sighed and shook her head.

”You know what forget it.” She was on her way to walk out of the kitchen but I stopped her.

“No, I’m not going to ‘forget it’ let’s try to talk and sort things out.”

“We just tried that but it obviously didn’t work! It’s the same old story, we fight, you leave me, you come back, we argue, we try to apologize and we pretend like everything’s fine. But everything is not fine and I am sick and tired of this kind of lifestyle.” Now, tears was streaming down her cheeks and my heart broke a little more.

“You don’t think I’m tired of it as well? I hate arguing with you but it seems it’s the only thing we do nowadays. Don’t you know how much I love you?” I tried to reach out to touch her delicate face but she slapped my hand away.

“Well if this is what love really is then I don’t want it anymore!”

 

We born to be sad, sad, sad, sad. Suffer to be glad, glad, glad, glad.

 

The last piece of my broken heart was now shattered. I didn’t want to believe what I had just heard her say, it felt too much of a nightmare to be true. Yet, here we stood, both broken by each other. I’ve always hoped that we weren’t fully broken and that we could fix it, but now it really hit me. I didn’t say anything, I just squeezed her wrist a little before letting go and went towards the bedroom. I slammed the door shut as hard as I could out of anger reflex, quietly regretting it seconds later. The tears had now caught up to my eyes as I paced the bedroom floor and later on sat down on the bed with my head in my hands. After a while I heard the door opened slowly and I flinched out of reflex. Since I had my back facing the door I didn’t see her but I heard her footsteps and I felt the bed slightly dip on the other side. We both sat still, time stood still and everything just felt out of place.

“This isn’t healthy…” se almost whispered. 

“I know… and I know what you want to say, but… please don’t. It will hurt too much to hear it.” She sighed and then uttered the words I dreaded:

Let’s break up.

Kill me, kill me softly. Kill me, kill me softly. Kill me, kill me softly. Kill me, kill me softly…