Note : The hanahaki disease is a disease where the victim vomits flower petals when they suffer from unrequited love.

***

 

 

Purple

This time, the color of the flower petals were purple.

Daeyeol smiled, a bit. At least, his own quiz was interesting.  He was betting to throw up purple petals this time around. And he’s right.

He looked down. Purple petals scattered all over the white tiles. The majestic color of petals was contrasting with the toilet’s floor.

It’s been a while since the first time he threw up petals. It’s been three? Or four months maybe. He lost count, or he just didn’t want to count. And he’s been playing this lame quiz about guessing ‘what the color of the petals’ for weeks. He never threw up the same color or the same type of flowers or the same amount. It’s always different.

The first time was pink, beautiful pink cherry blossom petals.

****

The first time he threw up some petals happened during the dance practice before Japan promotion when Daeyeol felt his body drained and sick. He was feeling not really well and starting to cough.

Daeyeol totally aware he wasn’t the fittest member in the group. He’s old and weak, so when he started coughing, he just brushed it off without further concern. Thought it’s probably just a cold. But then it was quite severe as the time goes by. When he coughed, he felt something moved up to his throat, threatening to come out.

The burning started in the pit of his chest like someone robbed his whole air. He ran to the restroom as his stomach churned, get away from the kids’ worried gaze. Daeyeol pushed open the stall then kneeling down in front of the toilet bowl. He coughed rather hard before spitting out everything from his mouth. He gagged a little.

He breathed heavily, trying to catch the air as much as he could before he throwing up again. It’s so painful. The tears were falling too from the corner of his eyes, followed by another cough.

He leaned his back against the wall when the whole extreme coughs finally stopped. He wiped the corner of his mouth using his arm, he closed his eyes while trying to catch his breath.

After a few minutes, when he could finally breathe normally again, Daeyeol opened his eyes. He reached out his hand to flush the toilet when his eyes caught a pile of pink flower petals.

Daeyeol gasped, his vision blurred, everything became hazy.

But he couldn’t mistake those beautiful pink petals inside the toilet bowl. One of his favorite flowers, cherry blossom.

“…” Daeyeol cursed.

“It can't be Hanahaki.” Daeyeol mumbled under his breath, chewing his bottom lip in worry. He looked back again to the toilet bowl. “…”

Daeyeol fell in his knees, his mouth keep mumbled some inaudible words. He refused to believe in this situation.

****

It wasn’t that he hated his feeling or hated the person behind this disease, it just… love was something too abstract and confusing for him. He always considered his feeling for the younger was a mad respect for the talent and a simple family kinda love.

But again, the petals told him the opposite.

Daeyeol knew he was pathetically in love.

He was in love with Sungyoon,

Choi Sungyoon.

Truthfully, Daeyeol would be surprised if he didn’t fall for Sungyoon, a guy who is created perfectly by God. Someone attractive who lives with him for years, practiced together, also struggled for their dream together.

It always amazed Daeyeol that a guy who claimed himself as a bunny could make his heart flutter and beat like crazy.  

No, the feeling wasn’t a sudden thing that hit him hard when he woke up one day and then saw Sungyoon in a different light in the morning. It’s not like that legendary fall in love at first sight either. The feeling was slow but steadily occupied his heart as the time passed by. It was more like a spark that turned bigger because of the wind.

And Daeyeol regretted he didn’t extinguish the spark before it burned him into ashes.

****

Daeyeol walked back to the practice room after throwing up some petals. They’re in the middle of promotion, and they had to keep practice for their tomorrow performance.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Joochan reapproached Daeyeol who just came back from the toilet. “Your cough seems bad, it’s been so long. You need to see doctor, hyung”

Daeyeol smiled, he knew the younger was worried about his condition. They’re a roommate, and Daeyeol believed he actually kinda disturbed Joochan’s sleep. His cough was echoing in the room every night, after all.

“It’s okay, Joochan. Maybe just a cold. I already eat the medicine”

“But it’s been months…”

“I’m okay, Joochan!” Daeyeol cut Joochan’s word, slightly raised his voice then signaled the younger to move. “Back to your place, we need to practice!”

Joochan frowned but obeyed the order.

Daeyeol huffed, the usual routine was going on…

As always.

****

Even if it’s hard, Daeyeol pretended that everything was okay. Pretended that his strenuous cough was merely a light cold. It’s not only that he didn’t want to make everyone worry, but he needed to save the group’s image.

It’s taboo for an idol to have Hanahaki, moreover a rookie like him who still struggled to get a place in the industry. The disease would ruin their reputation in one blow, it’s more severe than the dating scandal.

Daeyeol didn’t want his face plastered on every news platforms and his pitiful unrequited love was written there. He didn’t want the reporter digging up his pathetic situation then writing it as they want just for clickbait. His love life was not for public consumption.

Also, if his disease was leaked to the media, the scandal would affect his brother too in many ways. The media won’t let them live, so Daeyeol couldn’t take any risk.

“Yes, Sungyoon, let’s start”

Daeyeol blinked, focusing his attention back to Sungyoon who gets ready to sing. They’re having same schedules for vocal training along with Joochan and Donghyun.

Frankly speaking, this was one of his favorite moment. He loved to see Sungyoon singing. He loved to hear the younger hitting the perfect notes, blessing his ears. Sungyoon’s voice always succeeds to calm his nerves.

Their vocal practice was the time where he could stare at Sungyoon deeply, appreciating the beauty of the so-called rabbit and no one would notice his loving gaze. He adored Sungyoon so much and would fall in love again and again as the time passed.

But at the same time, it’s frightened Daeyeol so much. Every day was a battle with his own self to keep his sanity. He always tried to not touch Sungyoon even just for a light patting on the back.

It’s hard not to imagine himself wrapped his hand around that petite body, hugging the younger while whispering sweet nothing. It’s hard not to imagine to kiss every perfect part of the younger, praising the bunny guy every time his lips touched the skins.

And day by day, Daeyeol was scared to look into Sungyoon’s eyes. He afraid he trapped inside the pretty dark orbs that mesmerized him without fail.

****

“I’m going out with Jangjun”

Daeyeol clenched his fist, holding his favorite cup tightly. The cup was shaking so much as his hands trembled, he bit his lower lip to control his body. He took a slow breath before speaking.

“Oh” Daeyeol gulped down his saliva.

“He confessed to me yesterday”

Daeyeol carefully placed his coffee cup on the table. He put his hands on the table, he needed something to hold before he broke down. He looked at his coffee while trying to stop his tears from falling.

“Congratulation, I guess?” said Daeyeol, his voice wavered a little.

“Such a cold response”

Daeyeol closed his eyes when his stomach churned. He bit his lip till it bleeds to suppress his urge to clear his throat. He could feel the petals filling his windpipe and ready to come out.

“I don’t know what kind of response do you want from me, Sungyoon.” Daeyeol let out a very long sigh before looked up to Sungyoon, flaunting his best facade to cover his pain. He smiled.

“Nah, forget it.” said Sungyoon flatly then walked away from the kitchen, bringing the cereal and coffee in his hands.

Daeyeol’s smile vanished, he quickly ran to the restroom after Sungyoon left him alone. He didn't care he almost bumped into Seungmin in the hallway. He pushed open the bathroom's door, he could feel the petals were ready to get out from his body.

He cursed a little in his mind when he vomited before reaching the toilet bowl. The sweet scent of roses invaded his nose as the objects coming out from his mouth, falling on the white floor.

He reached out his hand, putting his finger in his mouth, trying to pull out some petals that stuck between his teeth. He coughed a little. Tears rolled down, wetting his smooth cheeks.  

Daeyeol cried.

Hard.

His body shuddered violently with each sob and he hit his chest continuously to ease the pain. He wanted to scream until everyone knew about his grief, but he bit his lips again instead. Pressed his lips together.

He couldn’t let anyone knew about his broken self. He couldn’t let the younger brothers look at him with pitiful eyes.

He was their pillar, their leader.

Daeyeol stared at the petals in his hand with glassy eyes. Sometimes, it made him wonder if he never met Sungyoon in the first place, would he ever have this Hanahaki disease?

****

A morning was still far away from Seoul, the sun just setting down a few hours ago but Daeyeol already grunted in his sleep. He was tossing around in his bed for some moments, his whole body felt like .

Daeyeol shifted slowly, removed the blanket from his body, then getting off from the bed. He’s snatching a hoodie from his wardrobe then put it on. He also grabbed his phone from the nightstand near the bed before dragged his feet to the door.

A long sigh was coming out when his eyes caught the certain bedroom door.

That door… that room… it’s the place where the root of his problem laying on.

He needed a fresh air.

He bit lower lip, suggesting himself to move his feet away from there before his shield broken. He walked again, put his shoes on and pressed the security lock. The whole building was still quite as everyone still intact on their beds.

The harsh cold air slapped his skin. The road was quiet, dark and shady, but he just keeps moving his feet. He buried his hands on his pocket hoodie, walking to the spot he has in mind. Fogs came between his breaths as the temperature was dropping low but it didn’t bother him a bit, he finally could take a breath.

Daeyeol inhaled a big amount of oxygen, trying to fill his lung. He wandered the street before stranded in this bridge while questioning himself. He leaned against the railing, looked upon the sky, watching the rare clear starry night in Seoul. Despite the beautiful scenery above him, it remains dark for him.

He rummaged his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He lighted up one, inhaled the smoke like he usually did. He tasted the bitterness of cigarette before blew it out from his mouth, making a perfect white ring of smoke.

He all knew that smoking was terribly destructive, moreover for a singer-dancer like him. But he somehow needs it. He needed that thing to calm his nerves down.

The lit cigarette resting between his index and middle finger as he tried to put on his mind on rest. He was beyond a mess.

“!” Daeyeol cursed when he realized a single tear dropped down on his cheek as the memory of his conversation with Sungyoon ran inside his mind.

The lit cigarette was falling to the ground.

“!”

Daeyeol’s breath hitched, tears rolled down on his cheeks then he sobbed louder.

“!”

He cried. Again.

****

“You’re here?”

Daeyeol shot his head up when he heard someone spoke to him. Someone opened the dance practice room’s door from the outside. The petite guy came into the room wearing a loose black sweatshirt, the snapback covered his caramel brown hair.

“Please left a message before you go, hyung. Everyone was searching for you” said the petite guy, his voice sounded upset.

Daeyeol woke up from his position, grabbed his hoodie and planned to go away from the dance practice room but that person held his hand, preventing him to go.

“Where are you going, hyung?”

Daeyeol paused his move, trying to compose himself. He didn’t aware he clenched his hand hard till his knuckles turned red. “Back to the dorm,”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? Don’t you say everyone looking for me?” Daeyeol bit his inner lips, he felt tiny and miserable right now. He was tall and big but there’s something that made him so small beside this petite guy. “Can you release your hand?” asked Daeyeol slowly.

“No, until you tell me”

Daeyeol furrowed his eyebrow, mildly confused.

“Why you act like this? You’re acting so strange these past days.” the petite guy gulped his saliva, his voice was sounding so frustrated. “You avoid everyone hyung, what’s wrong with you?”  

Sungyoon’s face was full of concern, his eyes never leaving Daeyeol’s side.

Daeyeol laughed inside his head. How had he not seen this coming? He forgot about Sungyoon’s nature, the younger one was incredibly observant. And if Sungyoon started to talk it out, everyone would question his behavior. In no time, everyone would see his pathetic self.

“Just because I went out at night and fell asleep in practice room, that’s not mean I’m acting strange, Sungyoon.” Daeyeol was faking his smile, he won’t lose to it.

“Don’t lie, I know you, hyung” Sungyoon took a step closer to Daeyeol, his eyes looking straight into the elder’s dark orbs.

Daeyeol shrugged, “I’m not lying, Sungyoon”

“You’re not finishing your meal, you sneaked out in middle of the night, you avoided everyone, should I list more?” Sungyoon folded his arms in front of his chest, demanding an explanation from Daeyeol.

Daeyeol rolled his eyes, “Seriously, there’s nothing wrong, Sungyoon.”

“Wait… Am I… “ Sungyoon leaned closer, sniffing Daeyeol while the elder took another step back. “Isn’t it tobacco scent? Do you smoke, hyung?!”

Daeyeol froze in his place.

“No!” Daeyeol stepped back once again. “Can you move away?”

Sungyoon narrowed his eyes, looking straight to Daeyeol. “Is that the main reason why you keep coughing these past months? Are you crazy hyung? We’re a singer! You know it’s bad for your--”

Daeyeol clutched his hoodie tightly.

“I know! I’m not a kid, Sungyoon!” Daeyeol cut Sungyoon’s ramble. “I can take care of my own self!”

“You can take care of yourself?” Sungyoon snorted,

“Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with me. Stop treating me like a bad guy. It’s just one time. Don’t make it as a big deal, damn it!” he glared at Sungyoon. “Just mind your own business! Don’t bother me!”

Sungyoon was about to argue but stopped when Daeyeol turned around, striding quickly across the practice room with anger emanated from his body.

“I… just want to make sure you’re alright” mumbled Sungyoon softly as Daeyeol slammed the door, hard.

****

This time, the petals were red… as red as blood...

Daeyeol blamed himself. He didn't need to lash out at Sungyoon in the first place. Sungyoon had no fault in this case. It’s him. It’s his feeling.

He cursed his feeling that developed without notice and grew some plants inside his chest. He cursed his weak self who couldn’t manage his emotion in first place.

Because Daeyeol knew he had no chance with Sungyoon.

Jangjun was the whole package of talent everyone could ask for. He’s so cool, charismatic, fearless, funny, mood maker, good in dance and rap. He has a very good manner and personality.

Daeyeol could list more of Jangjun’s charm and it will be endless.

And the most important thing, Jangjun was bold, he could tell his feeling straightforward to Sungyoon while Daeyeol only buried his feeling till he had hanahaki.

Daeyeol was jealous of Jangjun.

He remembered how Sungyoon’s expression lit up when he talked to Jangjun. He could see how happy Sungyoon was every time he’s near Jangjun. Sungyoon always looked so happy and hyper beside the extra 97-liner.

Everyone knew the fact that Jangjun was Sungyoon’s first friend. Everyone knew how close they’re behind the camera. They’re like toast and butter. They complete each other.

Daeyeol’s throat was itchy. He coughed fit, letting the flower out of his system. Another three petals flew out of his mouth.

He liked to imagine that Sungyoon actually loves him -love as in person, not only brotherly love bull-, he liked to imagine Sungyoon’s sweet gesture was genuine because the latter also had a feeling for him.

He always hoped the younger reciprocating his love. He always wanted to think that every smile and loving gaze of Sungyoon actually directed to him.

Not Jangjun.

Daeyeol sat in the floor along with the pile of red petals, closing his eyes while trying to grasp some air. He’s very tired.

He fished out his phone, texting someone to fetch him because he didn’t even have any energy to move.

****

“Lee Daeyeol! Come to my office!”

Everyone in practice room jolted in surprise. Their gaze fixed on someone who opened the dance practice room with loud bam. That person was pointing his forefinger at Daeyeol and signalling the leader to follow him out.

“Hyung?” Seungmin tried to speak but Daeyeol hushed him up.

“I’m okay, I’ll be back soon” Daeyeol patted Seungmin’s head, giving his sweet smile before getting out of the room, following his CEO.

“What the hell, Daeyeol?!”

The first thing that greeted Daeyeol once he stepped inside his CEO office was an angry shout.

Daeyeol gulped, slightly whimpered but also keep his posture straight.

“Hanahaki?! HANAHAKI?!”

Daeyeol lowered his eyes, watching the floor as if his CEO new shoes was more interesting than the CEO himself.

“Are you kidding me, Daeyeol?!”  another shout coming with the sound of something fell on the floor.

Daeyeol flinched. He shut his eyes.

He predicted this. He expected this reaction when he called his manager to fetch him up yesterday. He knew his CEO would be angry. Hanahaki was a serious matter, it could destroy everything that management tries to achieve.

“Do you know what kind of problem you’re in right now?” Jungyeop yelled. “Answer me, Daeyeol!”

Daeyeol lowered his head even more. He pressed his lips together.

“You can’t have this kind of feeling, Daeyeol! I’m warning you before!”

Daeyeol gritted his teeth. His breath got caught in his throat. He wanted to scream too, he wanted to shout back at his CEO. He didn’t want this feeling too. He didn’t ask for this painful chest filled by petals. He didn’t want to throw up every day until his throat sore. He didn’t ask for it.

It’s not his choice to have this disease.

He just fell in love, it’s not his fault that the other person not had the same feeling as him. His CEO being unfair to him in this matter.

“Let’s get you a surgery, as soon as possible” Jungyeop sighed. He massaged his temple in frustration.

Daeyeol snapped his eyes open. He lifted his gaze back to his CEO who show him a disappointed smile. He brought his hand to his face, covering his mouth.

Surgery… he never thought about it before, not even once.

There were two ways to cure hanahaki disease: getting the object of victim’s love to return the patient’s feeling then the plant will disappear in the most natural way. This way usually lead to happy ever after story.

or having a surgery to remove the plant along with all the patient’s romantic feeling, even maybe all the memories too.

“I…” Daeyeol tried to speak but he felt there’s a lump in his throat that stopped him to continue his word.

Although he actually understood that surgery was the best method to solve his problem, Daeyeol felt uncomfortable to get rid of his precious feeling. He treasured the romantic emotion he held for Sungyoon despite it’s killing him.

He managed to hide his disease from the public for four months. He fought this disease alone for four months, he could hold it longer.

“Just do the surgery, Daeyeol.” Jungyeop’s voice turned so soft. “It’s dangerous, both for your career and your health.”

“But…”

“Think about the group, think about your future, think about the kids. You can’t ruin their dreams because of this, Daeyeol”

Daeyeol chewed his lips. He stared at Lee Jungyeop, face clear with sadness. His eyes filled with tears that could fall anytime soon.

“But, have you ever considered my feeling, sajangnim?” asked Daeyeol bitterly in his mind.

****

Daeyeol stood in front of the dorm, it’s already late when he left his CEO office and he spent so much time inside the restroom stall, crying and vomiting the petals as usual. Since when throwing up petals became the regular activity, he doesn’t know the answer.

The dorm was still alive; he could hear the younger members’ voice from outside. He grabbed the door’s handle, ready to press the safety lock.

“I’m back”

Everyone ran to Daeyeol when he entered the dorm, they bombarded him with questions, mostly asking him about the reason why the CEO called the leader to his office. Youngtaek, Jangjun, and Joochan even acted like reporters, using their smartphone as recorders. Daeyeol had a hard time to calm the situation as everyone talking at the same time.

From the corner of his eyes, Daeyeol spotted Sungyoon who standing near the kitchen counter with Daeyeol’s favorite mug in his hand.

****

“Is sajangnim calling you because of me?” asked Sungyoon carefully, he held his head low, too ashamed to look directly at Daeyeol.

Daeyeol sighed. He turned around to face Sungyoon after took a bottle of water from the fridge. He actually just wanted to drink some cold water then back to his room. He was physically and mentally exhausted.

It’s just the two of them who still roaming around in the kitchen. The other members already went to their respective room after Daeyeol told them to rest.

“Yes… and no…” thought Daeyeol but the leader was shaking his head. He leaned his back against the refrigerator.

“Really? Is not because I told him about your bad smoking habit?” Sungyoon’s face showed a guilt, he looked so troubled.

“No, he just told me to see a doctor. He wants me to get health check-up, full body check-up, you know, I’m old and my cough seems bad enough to make him worried” Daeyeol tried to lift the mood, slightly mocking his age. He gulped down the water in one take to hide his emotion. he hoped he could manage his neutral face in front of Sungyoon.

“Ugh? Right…” Sungyoon scratched his hair, it's still awkward.

“Sungyoon-ah… Are you happy with Jangjun?”

Daeyeol swallowed his lump while darting his gaze away from the bunny guy in front of him. His heart was beating so fast and loud. He hated himself after the sentence rolled out from his mouth.

He wasn’t sure why he asked something obvious like that.

Sungyoon blinked his eyes before answering. “Yes… why?”

“Do you…” Daeyeol stopped in the middle of the sentence then smiled, “no, nothing…”

There’s nothing Daeyeol could say back to Sungyoon. It wasn’t fair towards Sungyoon to burden him with his unrequited love when he knew the other already happy with Jangjun.

“What is that?” Sungyoon clicked his tongue, annoyed. He waited for Daeyeol to continue his word.

“No, nothing…”

“Geez! I hate this! Just tell me already! What’s wrong?” Sungyoon shot a flat glare towards Daeyeol.

“Do you want to sleep? It’s late.”

Sungyoon scoffed.

***

“Do you ever have a feeling for me? Will you ever reciprocate my feeling?”

Daeyeol shifted his attention to the younger guy who walked back to his room. He saw the other’s back with longing gaze for the last time. He wanted to touch that fluffy hair, running his finger on that soft lock, placing a gentle peck there. But he can't.

****

“When I stand in front of you, all I do is step backwards. I am just a coward.”

****