{I've never felt like this before, this overwhelming feeling of guilt. This feeling is gnawing at me from the inside, and I fear that someday, it will begin to show on the outside, revealing all of my weaknesses.}

Jeonghan wishes he could say that. But, it's not the first time he's thought and felt this way. In public, he was a trophy to his parents, being shown off at every chance they got.

When they were alone, however, Jeonghan was never enough for them, and they were constantly pointing out his flaws.

The worst part? Jeonghan already knew all of them.

There was only one that loved him and all of his flaws. Someone that could never be replaced.

{...}

Jeonghan has been doing martial arts for six years now, and in the summer of 2018, starting on June 10th began the 8-week process of training to become a black belt. The entire summer, from 4 am to 10 pm, black belt candidates for that year trained at the martial arts school, preparing for the testing week, Fight Day, and the graduation show.

{The end goal, July 28th.}

There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, from beginning to end. Every day, three miles outside in less than 30 minutes. Every day, 500 push ups, 500 sit ups, 500 wheels, 20 minutes of jump rope, 3 hours of boxing, sparring, kickboxing, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, etc. Everyone was practically living at the martial arts school, comforting each other when they tired out, cheering each other on when one fell down during a sparring match. It was an unreal feeling of family. 

{A real family, that cared.}

It didn't last long, though.

Despite the fact that all of them stayed at the school to train for hours a day, everyone still went home. To their families. While Jeonghan watched everyone milling about at the end of the day, the endless summer night whispering words of sleep in their ears, parents came to pick up their hard-working kids, of all different ages.

Jeonghan's parents never picked him up. They had never cared about his extracurricular activities, as long as it didn't affect his grades and performance. At the end of the day, Jeonghan would wait in silence for his best friend, Joshua, to pick him up. He was always the highlight of Jeonghan's day, that sweet smile of his lighting up the dark night with stars.

After a particularly frustrating and mentally and physically tiring day of training, Jeonghan would sit in the bathroom, head buried in his hands, crying quietly. It wouldn't take long for Joshua to arrive at the school, seeing as his house was only two miles away, and he would walk in the entrance calling his friend's name. Jeonghan didn't move, hoping Joshua wouldn't find him looking as miserable and weak as he was then. Nobody was with him, Jeonghan was used to crying alone. He was content. But he didn't want to cry.

Jeonghan had wished his best friend would leave at that time, but in the end, he was glad that Joshua came into the bathroom to look for him. He came in and saw the long-haired boy sitting on the bench across from the showers, Jeonghan looking up at him for a split second, just long enough for him to see his friend's face. Joshua didn't say anything, only smiled fondly and walked over to sit next to Jeonghan. He took his left hand and intertwined their fingers, rubbing circles in the back of Jeonghan's hand and resting the other hand on his thigh, a comforting gesture that the elder had come to anticipate and appreciate from him.

Jeonghan's little hiccups for air as he cried subsided into small sniffles as Joshua continued to hold his hand and just sit quietly. Jeonghan turned to look at him, laughing at himself quietly. His eyes were red. It was embarrassing as hell, but Joshua, the precious boy, only smiled again and pulled the older boy's head to his chest with his other hand, planting a small kiss on the crown of Jeonghan's head.

Joshua began to thread his fingers through the long mahogany hair with gentle , tucking his head into the crook of Jeonghan's neck as he whispered sweet nothings in his ear with a soft voice. Joshua told Jeonghan he was beautiful, he worked so hard, he was so proud of him, he loved him.

They were all things Jeonghan had never thought about before then, but he appreciated them more than anything at that moment. Just the two of them in the freshly cleaned bathroom (courtesy of all the black belt candidates), sitting in what was otherwise silence. It was blissful.

They got in the car, Joshua helping a sleepy Jeonghan lug his two large duffel bags of equipment to the trunk. He opened the passenger door for the other, like a true gentleman, then got in the driver's seat and drove Jeonghan to his house, while the latter secretly hoped that everyone was asleep.

Joshua pulled into the driveway and the two sighed in relief to see all the lights in the house off. Joshua leaned over to hold Jeonghan's hand again, pressing his lips to his fingertips gently, like a whisper of reassurance, and Jeonghan leaned forward to tap his forehead to Joshua's. Jeonghan grinned at him and Joshua returned the gesture, his cat-like eyes sparkling as they do, in the way that gets the elder's heart beating rapidly again like he just ran three miles.

As if he hadn't gotten enough of that already.

Joshua told Jeonghan he was beautiful, resulting in the latter rolling his eyes, but leaving him flushed a light shade of pink. They both chuckled quietly in the contained silence of Joshua's car before it was broken reluctantly with a 'see you later.' Jeonghan leaned over to press a kiss to his eyelid, a thank you for being there, then opened the door to grab his stuff and walk up to the dark porch. He took out his keys and unlocked the door, looking back at Joshua once more and waving at him fondly before dropping his bags inside and stepping in, locking the door as Joshua pulled out of the driveway.

Many days like that went by, meeting with Joshua after training. Him taking Jeonghan home, saying soft goodbyes with a short kiss on the top of the head, the temple, the cheek, the hand. The lips. Joshua would smile, and Jeonghan would smile. Jeonghan would laugh, and Joshua would laugh. Like a dream, the two exchanged greetings and "see-you-laters." It was all ethereal, Joshua's beauty, both inside and out, and the way he made him feel as if he and Jeonghan were the only two people in the world.

Soon enough, the eight weeks had already passed. It was July 28th, 2018. The end goal. Graduation day.

Jeonghan peeked out from behind the curtains of his own high school's stage, where their show was being held. Everyone had gotten there early, 4am again. There was an excited hush over the black belt candidates. The knowledge that it was the end and a beginning at the same time, nobody could truly let it sink in until the nth time of running through the show during rehearsals. But, when the time came for the curtains to open, for everyone to perform their part on stage for a full house, everything was perfect. On the wings of the stage, in the pitch black, with only a hauntingly dim red light to orient him, Jeonghan clutched his bo staff in one hand, running through the routine in his mind. The music and timing, the flips and spins, formations and throws, he had memorized them all.

For who?

Not himself, though it was helpful that Jeonghan wanted to learn it properly.

Not his parents, he always cared so much about making them proud, that he decided to stop when they began testing.

So no, it was none of them.

Of course, Jeonghan did it for Joshua. He did everything for Joshua.

Whenever Jeonghan felt bad, Joshua was always there to cheer him on silently, looking him in the eye from across the room, from in the audience, from right next to him on a cool bench in the boy's bathroom. Joshua was always there.

Deep in thought, Jeonghan hadn't noticed the curtains slowly dragging open, soft words of self-assurance from his group members filling his ears as the bright lights flashing from off to on snapped him out of his daydreaming. Tugging on his red-black belt to tighten the knot once more, Jeonghan ran to his position at center stage with his group members falling into formation behind him. 

Gripping his bo staff, Jeonghan locked his intense gaze on the one person that loved him and always would, as the curtains fully opened, revealing the weapons performance unit he had worked hard to build.

Jeonghan and Joshua shared a knowing smile and the two played a story of their own in their minds as the music began.