didnt proofread bc honestly who has the time?? read the author's note at the end pls tnx

january 2017

jennie's holiday is a problematic mix of tuberculosis-like coughing and hiding-the-petals-fast-enough-so-mom-and-dad-cant-see. If she's not hacking away in her room like a dog with a throat problem, she's destroying every evidence of anything even closely related to flowers in general (she even took down the flower painting in her room because looking at it every night was torture.) I didn't help that Jennie's mom liked to host parties during the christmas season, that was a problem too; she had to excuse herself from atleast 5 conversations and run to the bathroom, heels clicking against the tiled floor, hoping she wouldnt fall and accidentally belch out petals in the middle of a crowd of middle-aged socialites.  Her parents would eventually ask her about her weird behavior over the holidays just as she's about to enter the car to come back to seoul, jennie knows they didnt ask sooner because "emotional sharing" wasnt really a thing in the kim houselhold, she doubts they'd know how to react to it anyway.

she had replied with,  "im fine, just a little burned out." and that was the end of that. it was back to work as usual.

**

she was the first one to come back to the dorm, the rest were going to follow three days later, that was more than enough time to google her condition. jennie had to admit, she was scared. hanahaki was of course, still a disease. a love disease. she had a love disease caused by her bandmate. lisa. a girl. she had a love disease caused by a girl. that part was still something she had trouble digesting. Jennie had always adored? no, appreciated girls ever since she was a kid, always fawning over the way they looked and wanting to be friends with the prettiest girl in the classroom because she wanted to be like her, she didn't really think she wanted to be with one romantically. 

she starts to scroll through the different articles and it soon dawns on her that she was in a lot more trouble than she had originally thought. flashbacks of miyeon come back to her and the sudden flood of memories makes her dizzy for a second. miyeon, that was someone she hadn't thought of for a while, she'd have to call her sometime to catch up or somet-

jennie focus.

okay so shehad two options, 

the first was lisa reciprocating (a long shot, nearly impossible, never going to happen in a million years)

or

surgical removal at the cost of never feeling anything for her ever again (easier.)

it was supposed to be easy, choosing was supposed to be easy. of course surgery was the only option, it's not like lisa could ever feel something for her. did she even want lisa to feel something for her? was she ready to be in love with a girl? what if was all a mistake and she isnt "in love "with her bestfriend and this is all just a dream and-

FOCUS JENNIE.

she knows this should be easy, choosing surgery was the obvious choice, so why did she bad about the losing feelings part. why does it feel weird to think about a future where she didn't "like her." no butterflies, no racing blood pressure whenever the maknae is near her, none of that gooey crush stuff. she closes her laptop, she doesnt have to choose right away, atleast not yet anyway. 

she hopes she never has to.

***

"you know its a little weird seeing you working so hard." jisoo says out of the blue as theyre running on the threadmill. jennie's been sprinting for 30 minutes and she really wasn't in the mood to waste her breath on talking.

"what." 

"you're.. you know, doing stuff, exercising and all, you've never been into that before." jisoo slows down to a jog, jennie cranks hers up higher. 

"stamina." she mutters, hoping jisoo would take the hint and stop talking. jisoo doesnt.

"liar. " jisoo plugs her earphones back and in and jennie rolls her eyes as she starts decreasing the speed on the threadmill. 

"is it so wrong to want to be more physically healthy?"

"there's something weird about you lately, i cant put my finger on it." 

jennie stumbles a little, jisoo observes her from the corner of her eyes. 

"im going to find out you know, i always do."

jennie has no doubt she will, but it's how she's going to find out that she's worried about. 

***

jisoo finds out and it happens like this.

she and roseanne leave to go watch a movie, leaving jennie and lisa at home. when she left jennie was sitting on the couch talking to a friend on her phone, lisa was doing god knows what in her room, she comes back 5 hours later and jennie is teaching lisa how to bake cookies but there's cookie dough all over their faces and jennie swipes the batter away from lisa's nose and eats it, the two then proceed to laugh while they throw flour at each other. it almost seemed like a scene from a movie to jisoo and she wouldn't think anything else of it if it hadn't been for the fact that jennie was sprinting to the bathroom 3 minutes later. jisoo, being the ever concerned bestfriend follows her quietly to see if she was alright. she's close to knocking on the door when she hears it, the sound of jennie gagging. it reminded her of how dalgom sounded like when has was sick and threw up his food. 

instead of knocking she opens the door in urgency and there it was, the abundance of red flower petals on the sink. jennie looks at her in horror and jisoo feels like she has the wind knocked out of her. 

of course, why couldnt she see it earlier. 

jennie, her jennie, was in love with lisa. 

"I... I can explain." jennie looks like she had coughed her soul out of her body and even though jisoo was itching to ask she figures she should let the younger one wash up and get comfortable first. 

"you dont have to, just.. get dressed and take care of this-" jisoo motions to the mess on the sink, she knows jennie doesn't want anyone seeing it anytime soon. "-and we'll talk later, alright?" 

jennie nods and that was the end of that.

**

"you have hanahaki." jisoo says it like its like a cold, something cureable if you took the proper medication and got some sleep. jennie hates how easy she makes it sound.

"keep it down." jennie scolds, her voice down to a whisper. she couldnt  believe jisoo had found out, she swears she was being subtle with the whole coughing thing. oh well. 

"your room is literally the most soundproof, i think we're good." 

jennie props her feet up on jisoo's legs as she makes herself comfortable in her bed. she can feel kuma judging her from the floor. 

"so.. who is it." jisoo asks her like she already knows the answer, jennie gulps.

"well, you see-"

lisa barges into the room in her pajamas,  a teddy bear (probably from a fan) tucked under her arm. 

"just popped in to say goodnight." she gives them a toothy grin before closing the door. 

jennie and jisoo look at each other and before jennie can stop herself, she hiccups and a bright red petal slips out from and floats inbetween them. 

jisoo's eyes follow the petal until it lands on the bed, jennie wants to dig a hole and bury herself in it. 

"oh."

**

jisoo helps her with the hard stuff.

the hard stuff being the part where she cleans up. jennie had been producing petals more and more lately, and jisoo was concerned that one day jennie's mess would be too big for even her to fix. 

it's not like jennie wasn't concerned about her health, because she was; it's just she had no idea how to fix it without telling anyone. her parents? yeah they'd kick her and disown her. yg? she'd have to say goodbye to blackpink. it was all just one big hanahaki-induced mess. 

"maybe if you tried avoiding lisa for a while?" jisoo sips on her lemonade, the light reflecting against her sunglasses makes her look like someone important, which she was. 

"that's not gonna change anything, lisa has to like, love me or whatever." jennie looks around the cafe, thankful that it wasnt peak hours yet so they were the only ones in it. 

"but isnt hanahaki caused by a crush? what if you avoided lisa till your feelings went away?" jisoo circles her straw with , waiting for an answer. 

"i-"

i love her too much.

"i think thats going to take too long, its a waste of time."

jisoo looks at her for a second too long and jennie feels like the older one knows exactly what she means without her having to actually say it. 

"well, im out of ideas." jisoo stands up, taking her glass with her to the counter. she looks back and holds her hand out to jiggle the cup, "-and out of juice."

**

sometimes jennie thinks she going to get caught.

not with having hanahaki because she's thought of a contingency plan (kind of)  if ever roseanne or worse, lisa were to ever find out  about it.

no, she means get caught as in, in love with lisa- get caught. 

jennie's not dumb, she's aware of the way she looks at the younger one, like lisa's a shiny new toy at toys-r-us and jennie's a spoiled 6 year old with snot running down her nose, lisa looks like everything she's ever wanted but doesn't deserve.

she tries to stop herself every once in a while though, thoughts like,

lisa looks stunning? fantastic let me look at the other direction real quick!

or

lisa's face is getting too close to my own? awesome, let me push myself away before it gets too suspicious!

would go on and on in her head like a fire alarm. so yeah, jennie tries to hold back and it works.. sometimes, then the petals take it from there. 

**

the first real indication of a problem comes when jennie notices jisoo's scowling at the dinner table while the four of them were eating together. jennie kicks her from under the table, jisoo flashes her a pointed look, putting her phone down to