Chapter 23 - Sea 

Jisoo just stood there staring at him. She did not know how to react. What was he trying to say? This had to be a nightmare, this couldn’t be real at all! She tried to sort out her thoughts. Yoongi was the only person she really needed in her life and now this very person was trying to tell her he killed her own brother? Seokjin’s death was suicide though. What happened for Yoongi to say this? What in the world was going on? Jisoo tried to not freak out, but her heart raced faster than it ever did before. This time she was sure it would burst.

“What… are you… saying?” Jisoo asked slowly.

“I told your brother that you would be better off if he would be gone rather sooner than later”, Yoongi said with no emotion. Even though his voice was quite stable his face wasn’t. Jisoo had never seen him that scared, there were even tears falling down his cheeks.

“What happened then?” Jisoo’s voice trembled.

“I told him that it would be better to get it over with” he told her with so much emptiness in his eyes that Jisoo wasn’t even sure if what she saw was an actual human being standing in front of her. Her heart scattered in a billion pieces. Who was this person? What kind of monster did she fall in love with? Jisoo felt as if she would have to throw up, but she managed to control her body just enough to not break down. This person standing in front of her made her brother kill himself… it was his fault that she lost her precious brother! She wanted to say so many things. She wanted to ask how he even knew her brother, she wanted to ask what he was thinking getting involved with her, she wanted to know why he did it… At the same time she just wanted to slap him across his face, she wanted him to feel the same pain she did in that moment. She felt as if Seokjin died again right in front of her eyes, while she herself was getting daggered. She had never experienced this much physical and mental pain at the same time. She wanted to say something, but this person did not deserve it. Jisoo just looked at him with disgust and then slowly backed off. Then she averted her eyes and just left him standing there.

She slowly walked out of the alley without even feeling anything. There was nothing inside of her body, nothing. She walked down the street without knowing where to go, but she didn’t care where she went. She wanted to die, literally. She couldn’t bare this life anymore. How could the person she loved do something like this to her? How did he even dare to hide this secret from her all this time? Was anything he said even true? She hated him more than she ever hated anything  in her life. Because of him her brother left her all alone and broken. She kept walking and encountered some older drunk men, however she just passed them without hearing whatever they had to say. She just wanted everything to end. She already held on for so long, but nothing changed. Nothing in her life worked out. There was nothing left for her…

Just the feeling of being on her own, she wanted it to disappear like a mirage. She wanted to disappear, she wanted her damn self to disappear. She felt as if the world threw her away, in the moment she was getting farther away from the sky than she ever had before. Jisoo had no idea where she was and she didn’t know what time it was when she heard Jennie screaming behind her.

“Yah! Kim Jisoo!!”

Jisoo turned around slowly and saw Jennie walking towards her with fast steps. She was carrying a jacket and a bag which were in fact Jisoo’s. Jisoo herself didn’t even notice so far that she was wearing pretty much nothing. However she couldn’t feel the temperature anyways.

“Do you know how many times I called you?! Why aren’t you picking up? Even now I called for you so many times, while running after you but you just kept on ignoring me!” Jennie yelled at her.

Jisoo didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to respond anyways. Jisoo didn’t even wonder how Jennie knew where she was heading. She simply didn’t care about anything anymore. She just stared at her friend, while Jennie was getting more and more concerned.

“Just how badly did you two fight?”, Jennie wanted to know, but Jisoo didn’t have anything to say. “Yah! Answer me!” Jennie demanded. Jisoo turned around and kept walking down the street. She felt like a human shell that was good for nothing anymore.

“Kim Jisoo!!”, Jennie screamed devastated. It was her voice that made Jisoo realize what was going on in the end. Her friend tried to help her, to reach out her hand to Jisoo. Jisoo though didn’t know what to do or how to react. She turned around again to face Jennie, just to see her friend crying. Jisoo didn’t know why Jennie was crying, but just seeing it Jisoo eventually broke down. She collapsed in the middle of the street. Jennie ran over to her to help her get up, but Jisoo had no more energy inside of her body. She didn’t want to cry, but if she wouldn’t she would break completely. Jennie also didn’t know what to do. She put Jisoo’s jacket over her and Jisoo’s back while both of them were crying. Whatever happened next Jisoo couldn’t remember. The next day though she woke up in her room in her bed. At first she thought everything was a dream, however she still had these clothes on and Jennie was sleeping next to her in her bed. Jisoo checked the time, it was 1PM in the afternoon on Sunday. Jisoo wanted to get rid of all of her memories and went to the bathroom. Her body felt terrible and she had a massive headache. She took off her clothes and the rest of the makeup and took a shower. She felt disgusting. She wanted to wash away all of him from her. She had touched him too many times and just the thought of kissing him made her hate herself and him even more. She couldn’t even scrub that much, she only ended up scratching her skin open. The warm water from the shower was mixed with her tears. She just hated everything.

After getting back in her room she saw that Jennie was still sleeping. Jisoo didn’t feel like doing anything and decided to go back to bed as well. She was exhausted physically and mentally. Maybe all of her pain would just go away if she would fall asleep and never wake up again. Sometime later Jisoo heard Jennie get up, but pretended to be asleep. After taking a shower Jennie came back inside the room with a tray full of food. She put it on the desk and opened the curtain to let some light in.

“Jisoo, get up and eat something” Jennie said with a soft voice. Jisoo had no other choice but to open her eyes and look at her. However, tears started falling as soon as she opened them. Jennie was concerned. “Jisoo, are you sure you don’t want to tell me what happened yesterday? Crying won’t make the problem go away you know…” Jennie said.

“It won’t bring my brother back to me either”, Jisoo said and turned around. She wanted Jennie to leave and just be left alone. Of course Jennie was stubborn enough not to leave. She walked around the bed and sat down next to Jisoo. “What do you mean?”, she wanted to know. Jisoo regretted saying that the very next moment. How should she explain this to her friend? How could she tell her about what Yoongi did? He had been a precious friend to Jennie and for some reason Jisoo didn’t want Jennie to know about his dark sides. For a second Jisoo was confused as to why she didn’t want to tell Jennie. Was it because she tried to protect Jennie or him? Jisoo decided to do everyone a favor and just not talk. Some words just hurt way too much for them to be spoken out loud. It was best for everyone if Yoongi and Jisoo just never met each other again.

“Can you please just leave me alone for a while? I need some time for myself…” Jisoo then said. Jennie seemed to be a little hurt by her words, but seemed to understand at the same time. A little while after Jennie got ready to leave Jisoo. She told Jisoo to make sure to eat and to send her messages just before she left. Jisoo didn’t answer any of it. When she was finally alone she just cried again. Before Seokjin’s death she didn’t even really know what it meant to be devastated and sad. She never really cried whatsoever. But the last few months just seemed like her body produced all the tears she never needed in all of the years before. She never had anything to cry over after all. If she was struggling she always had Seokjin by her side, and therefore there was nothing she was afraid of. Now however, she was more afraid than ever before. She had no idea what to do… she was lost.

Jisoo didn’t get out of bed for the rest of the day. Even when her mother came in to check on her she didn’t say anything. Her parents probably thought she went through a phase or something like that. That was a trait Jisoo was glad her parents had. Even though she felt a little neglected in the past, when her parents didn’t bother too much, she was more than happy with it now. She just wanted to be left alone. The next three days were all the same. Jisoo stayed in bed, cried endless tears and refused to eat anything. She had turned off her phone as well, because she didn’t want to be bothered. Jisoo knew that she couldn’t skip school forever and that she had to get back on her feet, but she wasn’t ready. She just laid there drowning in self petty. She didn’t read anything, she didn’t listen to anything, she didn’t even feel anything. She was sick and tired of herself. The worst part of all was that she missed not only Seokjin but Yoongi as well. Even though she hated him more than anything, she still wanted to be with him. She knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t even understand herself. Yoongi was a monster but the longer Jisoo kept thinking about it she was one as well. She hated herself for loving him, but she hated herself even more for loving him despite of what he had done. She wasn’t sure if she could ever forgive herself or if she could forgive him… she was sure there was no way.

The next day she should have had a session with Mr. Lee. It was the first time she her phone in days. As soon as she was connected to the outside world again she received a billion messages, however Jisoo read none of them. She just called Mr. Lee’s office to tell them that she wasn’t able to come in today. After that, she turned her phone off again. It had been around four days without eating or drinking anything. Jisoo felt dizzy and her entire body craved for some nourishment. Even though Jisoo didn’t want to she got up to go to the kitchen. Deep down she didn’t want to end her life, therefore she would have to eat eventually. She slowly got up. There was no energy in her body. She tried to walk a few steps but fell down immediately. She had never felt like this before, not even after Seokjin’s death. Back then she at least pretended to be OK for her parents and also to convince herself that life would go on. This time however, she was too weak physically and mentally. Just walking down the stairs to go to the kitchen was painful all over her body. She was so hungry even her stomach started aching.

“Ms. Kim! Are you hungry? I can make something for you real quick!” the housekeeper said, while Jisoo was entering the kitchen. Jisoo ignored her and just went straight to the fridge. All the staff in the house probably thought Jisoo was a spoiled brat, but she really didn’t care. Seokjin had always been the nice one, not her… Seokjin had always been the favorite, not her… and now everyone was gone, but not her! She was so annoyed! Why was nothing working out like it should? Jisoo just grabbed some leftover rice in the fridge, took a spoon and went back to her room. It was so depressing sitting in her dark room eating plain rice. She missed the times when she could eat as much of Mrs. Parks food as she wanted. She also missed the times her brother showed up in her imagination to talk to her, and she also missed the times with Yoongi before she knew the truth about him. She just wanted to turn back the time to her High School times with Seokjin there as well. If she could’ve done that she never had to meet Yoongi. Their lives would’ve never tangled up the way it did. If they only didn’t know each other neither of them would be suffering.

Jisoo felt gross. She wanted to take a shower and feel awake. The past few days she had only been vegetating in her room. First she opened the curtains and let in some fresh air, then she changed her bed sheets and finally she took a shower. The little bit of rice gave her back some energy. Even though it wasn’t much, it was enough for her to decide to do something. She needed to get out and just go anywhere. She put on a pair of jeans and a black hoddie. She also took a cap with her and a face mask. She didn’t want anyone to recognize her in case she would meet anyone. Jisoo just kept walking around the streets and somehow ended up near the little street-food place where she met Yoongi for the second time. Just thinking back it made her angry. Her brother just died and Min Yoongi was doing well. How could he? Did he not have a consciousness? Did he not regret anything? Jisoo kept walking for hours. She just walked through the city without knowing where to go or what to do. Eventually it turned dark. She ended up on a bridge. It was the highest bridge in Seoul. There were things written on the railing like “Have you eaten?”, “How are you doing?”. Just reading it Jisoo was annoyed again. It wasn’t like anyone really cared if she had eaten or not…

She kept standing there for a while looking down the dark river. She wondered what Seokjin felt, while standing on that rooftop. Was he terrified? Was he ready to end it all? Jisoo had no answer to her questions. In fact she had no answer to all of her questions. She kept walking just listening to the busy traffic until she found a little park where she could sit down by the water. Even though it was cold outside she wasn’t feeling cold. She didn’t feel anything after all. It was nice just to see the sparkling water in the darkness. There was enough lighting in the park to just see a few meters around oneself. Jisoo thought it would be safe enough to take of her mask and her cap. She just sat there breathing in the night air. Of course some tears found their way out of her body. Jisoo was so angry… how was her body even able to produce more tears? She had been sitting there for a while, when she noticed someone walking towards her. She was scared, she was just a girl alone in the darkness after all. She had no energy left to protect herself if anything bad was about to happen.

“Kim Jisoo, is that you?”, she heard a familiar voice. Jisoo wasn’t sure if this was good or even worse than getting attacked by a criminal. She looked up and saw a puppy-like face. It was one of Yoongi’s friends, but Jisoo couldn’t remember his name.

“It is you! I guess you don’t remember my name… I’m Kim Taehyung”, the boy said. Jisoo just stared at him and wondered how much of their meeting was a coincidence. How many coincidences could actually happen? Taehyung sat down next to her, while leaving some space to not disturb her too much.

“I guess you don’t want to talk…”, he said while looking at the water. He didn’t ask anything else and Jisoo was glad. Jisoo didn’t want him to stay, it felt as if he was trying to take care of her even though she didn’t ask for it. She also felt a little guilty. She must look terrible otherwise he wouldn’t stay out of politeness. Jisoo’s stomach growled. Taehyung looked at her surprised and got up right away.

“If you promise to stay here I’ll get you something to eat”, he told her. Jisoo just shook her head. Even though she was hungry, she didn’t want to eat. Taehyung however ignored her on purpose.

“OK, I’ll be right back”, he announced. Just like that he was gone. At first Jisoo wanted to go, but on a second thought she stayed. She didn’t want him to go through all these efforts just to find no one in the park. At the same time she was hungry. She hadn’t had a real meal in days. After around ten minutes, Taehyung came back with a paper bowl of Ddeokbokki.  Jisoo was so glad, she had been craving this for too long! Taehyung just gave it to her and sat down again without looking at her. Jisoo silently ate the food. It warmed her up and finally gave her stomach something to work with. She could actually feel how weak she had become. Not eating anything and doing nothing wasn’t helping at all. It didn’t bring Seokjin back and it certainly wouldn’t undo what Yoongi had done. Jisoo was confused with herself again. How come she didn’t mind Taehyung being there? He was Yoongi’s friend and inevitable reminded her of him.

“Do you really think he’s a monster?” Taehyung asked her without daring to look at her. Jisoo knew exactly what he was talking about, but couldn’t even answer. She fought back her tears and tried to keep a straight face.

“He told us everything…”, Taehyung kept saying without even caring if Jisoo listened to him or not. “I just think you should give him a chance to explain the whole story to you, before judging him”, Taehyung added. Then he stood up. “Do you know how to get home from here?” he asked her, but Jisoo shook her head again. She had no idea where she was after all. “Maybe you should call a taxi then”.

“I…” Jisoo started, but couldn’t even say anything else. Not talking for a few days made sore. It was painful to talk. Then she just shook her head again.

“You didn’t bring your phone I assume. I’ll help you catch one up that road then”, Taehyung said and offered his hand to help Jisoo up. The two of them just walked up to the street without saying anything else. Taehyung managed to get a taxi and waved Jisoo goodbye. Sitting in the taxi Jisoo wasn’t sure what to think. Who did Kim Taehyung think he was? How did he have the right to tell her how to judge Yoongi? He wasn’t in her position! He didn’t lose what was most precious to him! Jisoo was so annoyed. It was even worse being in this taxi. She barely managed to tell the driver her address and she didn’t even have money with her, which meant she had to run inside to get money first, when she arrived at home. After she paid the taxi driver she went inside her house, hoping not to cross her parents.

Arriving in the living room her parents were sitting on the couch. As soon as Jisoo walked in her mom stood up and screamed at her: “Where have you been?!”. Jisoo was a little perplexed. It wasn’t like her parents minded her staying in her room for several days without eating, but now they were freaking out about her going outside. She didn’t know what to think. “You can’t just go out after being like this again and not even take your phone with you! At least tell someone where you’re going!” her mother kept screaming. Jisoo just looked at her without much of a reaction.

“At least answer your mother!” her dad intervened. Jisoo wanted to say something, but she just didn’t know what. What should she say anyways? Her parents were right, she should’ve taken her phone at least or let them know that she was going out. They were her parents after all so it was only natural that they were worried. Especially with her behavior lately.

“Jisoo, we only want what’s best for you. I know you’re still suffering but you have to get yourself together. Nothing will change if you keep being like this”, her mom said.

Jisoo was eventually getting angry. Her mother nor her dad had any idea of what was going on inside of her! They had no idea how much she was really suffering. They had no idea how much she hated herself. “Nothing will change?”, Jisoo exploded. “Everything changed! You and dad the same, didn’t you ever feel like this is your fault? Don’t you think you could’ve supported us more?” Jisoo asked them.

“What do you mean? We have always supported you as much as we could!” her dad barged into the fight.

“That’s not what I mean! You were never really there when we needed you! We needed you as parents, but you just weren’t there… Seokjin was…” Jisoo said but had to fight back tears. “He was all I had in this world…and I couldn’t even say goodbye” she sobbed. Then she broke down on the floor. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She missed her brother so much. If she could she would’ve switched her place with him, it would’ve been better for all of them.

“Sweetheart, don’t be like this”, her dad tried to calm her down.

“We can’t change what happened in the past Jisoo, we just need to learn to live with it”, her mother added. Jisoo didn’t want to hear any of it. She wanted to get out of this house. She needed to go somewhere save, somewhere she was understood, somewhere she could just be herself… she wanted to be with Yoongi. It was this moment that she realized that some things indeed never changed. She loved him, even though she knew what he had done. Even though he had taken away her world, he had given her a new one, that she couldn’t imagine living without. He was her everything and she had to admit it to herself. Despite of his actions, she was still thinking of him. The more she did the more she realized that she didn’t hate him, she just hated herself for being the way she was.

“Do you think it’s ok to love someone even though you shouldn’t?” Jisoo asked them. Her parents just looked at each other. Her dad seemed to be unsure of what to think, her mother however sat down on the floor next to her and her head.

“Love is something you can’t control darling. Sometimes you fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, but it will be ok after a while. It’s not your fault. The heart does what it does, it’s not in our control.” Jisoo was surprised by her mother’s consoling words. Was it really ok to love him, even though he took away the only thing that made this family whole? She just wanted to ask her brother if it was ok… she didn’t care what her parents thought, however she wanted her brother to be ok with hit. Seokjin didn’t show up in the last few weeks though. Jisoo didn’t know if he was real or not, but there was obviously no way to contact him, this wasn’t some sort of magic after all.

“Can I please go into Seokjin’s room?” Jisoo asked eventually. She just wanted to feel his presence at least. She wanted to know what he thought.

“I don’t think this is a good idea”, her mother replied.

“Why?!” Jisoo asked. What was the problem with her going in? Did her mom not want her to destroy anything in there? Did she not want Jisoo to feel better?

He mother sighed. “I didn’t lock that door to make you feel bad Jisoo, I did it to protect you!”, her mother argued.

“Protect me from what?”

“Jisoo, you and your brother are the most precious gifts of my life, I hope you know that. Seokjin just… there are things about him that I’m trying to protect you from. I just don’t want you to lose your way, and I don’t want to change the way you’re thinking of him” her mother explained.

“Isn’t that my call to make? I’m not a kid anymore! Can’t you trust me for once?” Jisoo begged.

“Maybe we should let her in honey”, her dad intervened. “She’s right, she’s not a kid anymore”. Her parents looked at each other for quite some time. To Jisoo it appeared like they were having a telepathic argument. It seemed like just by looking at each other they knew what the other one was saying. Eventually her mother got up from the floor and took out a key from her purse that was on the living room table. She came over to Jisoo and kneeled down next to her. She looked at her for some time to find the right words. “Jisoo… I just want you to… I don’t think this is a good idea. But if you find something that makes you feel uncomfortable or guilty I just want you to know that it’s not your fault ok?”

Jisoo didn’t know what to think. What could possibly be hidden in Seokjin’s room for her mother to lock the door? What kind of secret was her mother trying to keep from her and why did she let Jisoo into Seokjin’s room all of a sudden?  Jisoo didn’t care and took the key. Jisoo got up and went upstairs without looking at her parents again. She was scared to go into that room. The last time she was in there her mother physically dragged her out. What was going on with this family? Jisoo slowly unlocked the door but waited a little to actually open it. She breathed in deeply, opened the door and the light. She slowly entered and closed the door behind her. Everything in her was as if Seokjin never left. His bed was made, on his table there were all of his old school books and on the night stand a picture of him and Jisoo. She sat down on the bed and breathed in. It even smelled as if he never left. It was terrifying… His presence was so strong as if even the air was filled with him. How could he leave her alone in this situation? If he just never left nothing would’ve ever changed. Jisoo wasn’t sure what she was looking for in his room. Was she looking for epiphany? Was she hoping for him to show up now and tell her what do to? She didn’t know herself at all.

On top of Seokjin’s closet Jisoo saw a small box she had never seen before. She went over and took it down. As she opened it she saw a few things inside. There was a chess game inside, different papers and some pictures. Jisoo went through it. It looked like the things he had with him in the hospital. Jisoo knew because she printed these pictures for him to look at whenever he felt lonely. Next she looked at the papers. Most of them were just papers for his diagnosis or a thorough description of his medicaments. She also found a letter from a court. Jisoo wasn’t sure if she should’ve opened it or not but did it anyways. It was a divorce application! What the hell! It was one for her parents! What was this supposed to mean? Jisoo was confused. Was this what her mom was so scared of? Did her parents want to get a divorce? But they always seemed to be so happy and so in love! What in the world was going on?

Jisoo decided to calm down first and check what else was in the box. She found a memory card. Seokjin’s laptop was on his desk and Jisoo turned it on to check the card. His laptop had a password but of course Jisoo knew it. The password was Jisoo’s birthday. She carefully put in the card and opened it. Most of the things were his university documents or other projects he had to do back in High School. No one would’ve noticed that one folder besides Jisoo. There were a lot of folders, one for essays, one for group assignments and one for projects. Jisoo just randomly clicked through them all when she found a folder called “Sea”. Seokjin had always talked about how he loved the sea. He always told Jisoo that she could tell the sea everything, because it would never tell anyone her secrets. Her secrets were like a stone that she could just throw into the deep water and no one would be able to find them. Jisoo was curious. She clicked on the folder but it was secured with a password. She tried several words and dates but none of them worked. Jisoo looked around to get a hint. She took Seokjin’s calendar. There was nothing written inside. There was only one single day marked in blue. Blue like the Sea. April 23^rd. It was the day their parents got married. Jisoo tried the date and surprisingly the folder opened. She found more folders, organized in years and moths. It was Seokjin’s diary.