Jeongyeon immediately woke up from her deep slumber when she felt something tugging her hands. She looks up only to see Nayeon has already woke up from her rest. She has been sitting in the chair next to the bed for the longest time. Hands clutching to Nayeon’s, never once letting go. Her back aches so much from sitting in the same position for so long. But she couldn’t care less, as long as she’s with her girlfriend.

 

“ You feeling okay?” she asked worriedly.

Nayeon just nodded weakly, even moving her head requires so much energy.

“can you get me some water please?”

“sure thing babe” she quickly answered and rise up from her sit to the other side of the bed. Due to the lack of rest, she sloppily pours the water in the glass. She remembered to fill it only half full, afraid that it will be too heavy for Nayeon to hold.

 

            She hands Nayeon the glass, and slowly helped her bring the glass close to . She noticed how Nayeon’s lips are chapped and faded most probably from the chemo session that has drained her body so much. It aches Jeongyeon so much to see how sick Nayeon is, wishing it was her who bears through all the pain.

“ how long have you been here?”

“I never left babe”

“go home and rest”

“ nah. home is wherever you belong” she said cheekily, lifting up the mood.

 

---

 

          Being a caregiver is never easy especially when the patient is your loved one. she had to watch her girlfriend goes through all the pain, feeling helpless that she can’t do anything to take the pain away.

 

          There are days when she felt content that Nayeon trusted her most to be one, this surely has connect them stronger than before. But then there are also days filled with grief, anger and resentment. Sometimes it burns her out due to stress and fatigue.

 

          There are days when she felt tired having to clean up vomit almost 5 times a day. There are days when she felt disappointed when Nayeon doesn’t have the appetite to eat the dish she specially cooked for her. There are days she felt angry when nayeon insisted that can do something alone but ended up bruising her body parts.

 

           But there are also days when she felt worry that Nayeon hasn’t eaten anything. there are days when she felt needed to be her only moral support. There are days when she felt appreciated when she heard Nayeon’s little “thanks” even when she did a bare minimum for her. There are days when she felt happy that she can make Nayeon laugh at her clumsiness.

 

         The struggles are all worth it at the end of the day when she can watch Nayeon sleeping peacefully beside her, in her arms.

 

---

 

          It was few months after that, they’re back in the hospital for a check up session. The result for Nayeon’s latest chemo is out.

 

         They both sat nervously beside each other, waiting for the doctor. Holding hands, she her thumb gently on Nayeon’s hand, assuring her that everything will be alright.

 

          The sound of the door creaking open startled the tense Jeongyeon. Soon enough, the doctor came in. she greets the doctor politely and have some little conversation. The doctor has been taking good care of Nayeon from day 1, and she was really thankful for it.

 

“ … however im sorry Miss Im, it looks that your cancer cells still hasn’t stop growing. Your body refused to make any progress. You still need to be warded for a few days for further---“

 

          Her heart skips a beat when the news broke out. Nayeon’s not getting any better. She can barely hear anything anymore. The hand holding hers only tighten. Her tears threatened to stream down her face, choked up, not able to say anything.

 

Nayeon’s not getting any better.

 

          She knows it’s hard to accept this, it’s hard to not break down at the exact moment. But she needs to be strong for Nayeon, she reminds herself. It’s the least she could do.

 

---

 

          The smell of the hospital is too familiar for her now. She has been here back and forth, being the support system for hee girlfriend.

 

          It was really tense and quiet in the ward. Even the sound of the AC can be heard. Nayeon still hasn’t spoken a word since they heard the news. Staring out the window, she’s sure she’s out of faith now.

 

          The nurse making up the bed smiled sweetly at them and then faced Jeongyeon while handing her Nayeon’s clothes “ you are her caregiver right? Can you help assist Miss Im changing her clothes?”

 

“ Yes sure” she replied, taking it from the nurse. The nurse then strutted out closing the door quietly.

 

           Nayeon’s still seated in her bed, stares blankly at nothing. Jeongyeon knows best not to disturb her now. She knows best how to handle Nayeon at her worst. She has always been by her side, handling her tantrum and occasional emotional breakdown. Though it’s hard for her sometimes, she knows she’s the one Nayeon trusted most to understand her, to motivate her.

 

With the clothes held on her lap, she sits slowly beside Nayeon. Her delicate hands faintly approached nayeon’s lap.

“ do you want my help to-“

“I know im useless but I can do this jeongyeon” she snaps.

She stays quiet. She understands how hurt and upset Nayeon is right now.

 

          “is she prettier or am I prettier?” Nayeon asked while showing pictures of someone on her phone to jeongyeon.

          “of course she’s prettier duh”

          Nayeon whined, “tell me I’m pretty too”

         “ no, you’re not” she said jokingly.

         “heh you’re ugly too” she sulks, sticking her tongue out.

 

“ Can you turn away?” Nayeon muttered weakly as she was about to lift her shirt.

“ why?” well she knows exactly why.

“please?”

“no” she’s not having this again. Not today.

          Nayeon has been too insecure with her look since she fell ill. All her hair abandoned her body, and most parts of her body turned soggy from the chemotherapy. But Jeongyeon has never fall out of love with her, not even once.

“ I love you for who you are. no matter how you look, I still think you’re the prettiest girl in the world.” She said calmly as she kissed her girlfriend’s forehead.

 

---

 

          She pushed Nayeon’s wheelchair carefully towards the lift. It was time for Nayeon to get some fresh air. She knows how Nayeon loves the rooftop so much. Maybe its because of its tranquillity or simply just because it was always just the two of them occupying the rooftop.

          The sound of busy streets can be heard echoing through the rooftop and the city lights shine vividly just for them. It was almost autumn, her favourite weather. The night breeze runs chill down their spine. They both sat silently, enjoying this moment.

 

.

.

.

 

Nayeon turns her head slowly towards her. “ Jeongyeon?”

“ Yes? ”

“ Kiss me”

 

          She smiled and brings her hands gradually up close to Nayeon’s face, caressing her cheek gently. She noticed how her cheekbones now protruded out caused by the distinct weight loss.

 

          She closed her eyes, and kissed her delicately. She can feel the chapped lips grazing her own. Though its not perfect, she savours this moment the most. With Nayeon in her arms, it felt as if its only both of them in this world. Nobody else matters.

 

           A few moment after that, Nayeon has already turns breathless. Tired, Nayeon rests her head on jeongyeon’s shoulder. Their height perfectly match like puzzles pieces together, as if they were made for each other. It was this shoulder, nayeon felt most familiar, the smell of her perfume, the crook of the shoulder bones. The shoulder she can cry on. The shoulder she felt the most safe.

 

She engulf Nayeon in her arms, caressing her hair gently.

 

“I’m sorry..im sorry.. im sorry” nayeon sobbed,

“hey hey its okay”

“im sorry for troubling you, im sorry I can never marry, im sorry I got sick, im sorry” nayeon choked on her tears.

 

          That’s when jeongyeon cant hold it in anymore. All this time she pretends to be strong enough for her girlfriend, silently crying only after Nayeon went to sleep. All this time she was drained physically and emotionally. All this time she was praying for a miracle for Nayeon to heal. But this time, she cant hold it in anymore. Only this time, she breaks down in front of nayeon.

 

Both in each other’s arms, they were bawling their eyes out. Tired from the harshness of the real world.

 

          Though its hard battling the disease, though its hard feeling weak and tired, though its hard not being able to live a normal life, though its hard for both of them, but the hardest part of all of this is leaving each other.