There had been times when your feelings and almost depression got the better of you. It was when you kind of broke down. Not wholly but kind of. Those were the weak moments that you let a few tears drain your feelings and when your misery was free to drift to new heights. It was those first few months after the agreed break up when your devastation really took a toll on your life and you did your utmost best not to let it show.

It had become almost an essential and might obsessive thing you desperately had to prove to yourself that you were fine. You were fine with the break up. And you did have everyone fooled except your mom and Nunji, who knew you better than to let you lie to yourself. But the point you were making is that the majority of students at your school believed it. The front you put on to prove you were fine. Perfectly fine. Even his friends believed it and it was that mask you donned that ultimately prevented them, and you, from reaching out to each other. After all, they were His friends.

So your times with them were limited to the ‘good morning’ or ‘good-bye’ greetings and farewells they still shared with you which were stale at best. And not to help or encourage any potential contact with them, you had been in 3-A while the rest, even Jimri, had been distributed throughout the other third year classes except the ever familiar Yoohyuk who was cursed to be around you. In a way, the class placement had been both a blessing and a curse because of your blasted feelings that wanted to check up on him were hindered due to this discrepancy. But your perseverance was something to be commended as your mask hardly cracked.

To say your breakup with him had been news would be an understatement. It had been so quiet around you that fewer people even more rarely spoke to you after the gossip was spread. It was only Jimri and your volleyball girls that had been your only interactions with any other students as you guys were on the brink of nationals at the time. Anywhere else was an almost unbearable silence that shadowed your every step around the school.

Of course no one out right asked you if the break up was true as your actions were louder than any clarification you could ever give. Neither of you were next to each other. Neither of you went to each other’s games. Neither of you were seen together. You both basically avoided wherever the other may go which had been pretty easy for you since you took to staying in the classroom for break and lunch and also the gym for practice. You hardly lingered in the hallways as that had the highest possibility of running into each other. The library was a location b with memories of the two of you so your visitation there drastically plummeted enough for the librarian to plainly tell you she missed seeing your face.

It was on graduation day when closure was sought. You don’t remember who it was but you both had found yourself standing in front of each other and you had been the only one who spoke. ‘Congratulations.’

And that had been the last you saw of him. In person, at least, considering his face was staring at your bedsprings at that very moment.

You were only rehashing these old memories because Suho was persistent. Much to the delight of Jimri as is to be expected of her youthful pursuit in ensuring your happiness. Her version of happiness, at least. But it was not at all how she perceived the situation between the two of you to be as you had refrained from telling her anything about what you and Suho discussed. And it seemed he has been doing the same on his side.

It was your fault that there was even something for Jimri to misrepresent. And that was only because Suho was someone you couldn’t blow off like the many you had done to before. He was just too nice. And friendly. And almost pure. And you had a feeling that was all a front. Some innate part of you was saying that and it was hard to believe but it was there.

The only reason you continued to spend time with him was because another innate part of you wants the news he gives you. You didn’t know where that speck came from but it was rearing its ugly head at the worst time. You should be able to handle and control this stupid withheld curiosity but you were oddly powerless to it.

This whole thing was odd.

Because not only was Jimri knowingly but unknowingly pushing for Suho that Hwangin was subtly but not subtly doing the same for some brother of some friend of his. And that last one started with Nunji texting you a time and place without any other information but those two things. Figuring it was her dropping off something or whatever, you had gone there just before you were meant to meet with Jimri for lunch where she was surely going to gush about Suho. Like you said, knowingly but unknowingly.

Anyway, so you went to the given location at the right time and there was a guy in army fatigues sticking out in the crowd like the lady who was wearing stripes with polka dots. You were immediately suspicious because nothing could be more eye catching than that lady’s fashion but the sergeant first class (you weren’t a general’s daughter if you didn’t at least know what rank he was judging by his uniform) had the lady surely beat because he was holding a bouquet of flowers and clearly waiting for someone. There was a crowd surrounding him and you had been blinded by that lady’s clothes to the point that you stopped in your tracks near enough the crowd for him to zero in on you. And the rest was on the Internet.

You had given Nunji quite an impressive earful for that debacle as you had been taken entirely off guard and the thing had gone rather viral. The next time you saw Suho, he had giggled about it.

So your present life was eventful now that you had that soldier panting after you for a date during his break and not at all ashamed to use Hwangin and his stupid wife to get to you. And you were this close to blocking her number but you knew you could never bring yourself to do such a thing. You could hate her for it but your stupid love for her overpowered any hateful urges.

And you’d been so good to her too. To them both actually, Jimri and Nunji. You listen to them. You cook for them. You buy them things. You let yourself get drunk with them. They were both taking advantage of you, you realized. Something had to be done or else they’d be walking all over you if they weren’t already doing so.

As you took on this task of getting ahold of the puppet strings of your life, you saw how much you’d changed. You’d become dependent on them both. So dependent it was inconceivable. The self-proclaimed loner in you was positively aghast at this revelation. It was akin to Nunji telling you Hwangin isn’t the father of Mieun. There is just no way you had ever changed this much. You could understand your dependence on Nunji being that she’s your sister and all. But your dependence on Jimri was a surprise. It honestly was a surprise to you that it made you a little angry that you had not seen it coming. Because you should have but now that the revelation was fading, the memories were building up that derived in your second year of high school.

When you think back on it, you had cried in front of her. She was one of seven people who had seen you cry outside of your family. The sobbing kind of crying. And that had been pre-breakup when your team had qualified for nationals which was one of the major milestones of your life. You had been so proud of yourself for that particular achievement especially considering Nunji had not gone that far with her volleyball career. Those had been happy tears Jimri had witnessed which was a concept you only applied to instances such as the first time Hwangin had come home to visit a pregnant Nunji after leaving for those first few months of his enlistment.

Jimri was truly a friend. Your friend, in fact. Your friend.

You frowned. How did this happen?

Before, you had taken lightly of that word all through your school years. Until you met them. You saw for yourself what a friend was just by witnessing them interact with each other, whether it was making fun of each other or congratulating one another for a good game or doing good on a test. Even just sticking around Him when he lost a game and handling him afterwards gave you an idea of the depth amongst the six boys. Knowing one another enough without a word passing or sounding.

For all your life, you hadn’t considered yourself truly alone. After all, you had your family. And for that brief time, you had him. And his friends. But now with the last two on that list gone, you had Jimri as a definitive addition to that list. You didn’t know when she had been added, like if it had started with that one volleyball practice for a school competition with the two of you teaching others about a sport you hardly knew anything about. Or if it was when she silently sat by you in the library while the two of you studied for the Test. It could have been when she had cried with you after the break up…

The only other time she had seen you in such a state.

There were so many possibilities. And that fact alone was proof enough that somewhere, sometime, you had earned yourself your own friend. One that was truly yours.

This epiphany had to have happened at an inopportune moment. You peeled your eyes away from the monitor of the library computer you were using as it had long since timed out. You sighed as you rubbed your eyes tiredly.

When you glanced at your phone, there were no new messages or pending notifications. So you took it upon yourself to text your friend. It wasn’t much of a message but how she got your telepathic message, you would never know.

‘Let’s meet up for that promised Mikyung/Jimri time.’

Your smiley face of a response spoke volumes that only you two would get. After all, she really knew you.

That fateful night was one you would curse the next morning and every day afterwards.

Because at the end of that damn night, you finally read the stupid article.

It really was stupid as it was mainly about his practice routine. His family. His friends. And a dog called Midnight. All of this information you got after trying to focus your wayward eyes on the words enough for them to process in your alcohol addled brain. It was all basic information to you but probably not to the general public or to his fans. Because he sure had quite an increase in popularity after graduating from the small pond that was your high school. Now, he was in the big leagues. In a whole lake of his own making while you swam in your own enclosed puddle. Just trying not to be consumed or merged with any other body of water.

But the thing that haunted you afterwards was a specific section of the article. In fact it was quoted from him. And you didn’t want to recall that. You didn’t want to recall anything.

Why?

Because he mentioned you.

And why would he do that?

How did he do that?

How could he do that? To you? To him? To everyone who read it?

It was enough of an emotional overload for you to slump in your seat. You shouldn’t be thinking about it. No. You should be thinking about the right response to this damn question for this inane test. You had to get through this like you have all of these years. And after this, you would be free.

Free to go home and let Mieun consume your every thought. Cleanse you with her cuteness and pure personality.

But at the same time you didn’t want to go home.

You didn’t want your family to deal with you in this state. You,yourself, didn’t want to deal with the pent up feelings and conflicted state of disarray that was your mind. And going home would only be putting off the inevitability of self-destruction.

You really had been kidding yourself when you said you’d been moving on. In a way, you had been. Not forward at least. You’d only been moving sideways. Stuck in the same line of fire. Sidestepping the forbidden topic of Jung Taekwoon, soccer fanatic. Jung Taekwoon, the silent enigma. Jung Taekwoon, your stupid ex-boyfriend.

You released the breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding as it wasn’t the only thing you had been holding in.

Blinking, you gathered enough of your wits to finish the test. You sure bombed this test and you highly disliked the way you handled it. Your fingers grasped the corner of the stapled gathering of paper while clutching your pencil in the other hand. While making your way down the aisle to the table where a pile of completed test were, you took steady breaths. Once you reached the designated location, you placed your own packet faced down.

Receiving a nod from the T.A., you exited the room while almost forgetting to grab your bag on the way out.

Only to walk into the waiting arms of disaster.

Suho stood waiting for you and inwardly, you cursed Jimri for the first time in quite a while. There was no way the man would know where to wait for you as you had not shared your class schedule with him. It was too big of a coincidence. Not to mention the campus was way too big for him to conveniently be in any section at the same time as you much less the same building on the same floor.

Your hold on your facial expression was beyond your control and Suho only had to look at you for his ever present smile to disappear.

His unwanted concern crossed his own face as he powerwalked to you. “Mikyung? Are you okay?” He now looked abashed as he took a good guess on what made you so dissatisfied with his sudden appearance. But he would never know exactly what it was that had you react to him so.

Even with Suho, you’d been selling yourself a delusion by hanging onto his every word for any news about your old friends. Any glimmer of their wellbeing of what you’d learned about those five boys had brought you a level of satisfaction that had been forbidden to you by your own psyche. It was why you avoided following Taekwoon’s career in the media. It was why you had discarded any letter from your old friends while they were off serving the nation. The letters that were under your bed back at home. The unread letters you have been guilt tripping yourself over and over the past two years.

You were such a terrible friend.

You had been the one to slam the door in their faces. Figuratively, not literally. You weren’t that terrible at least.

You remembered the times N and Ken had gone to you for tutoring as you had kept that up through third year but you had them transferred over to other tutors after the break up. Hyuk had invited you to countless bookstore exploring excursions to find a manga he wanted and you had said no. Ravi continued to ask you to be his good luck charm at his games or that last request for Jimri’s number. Hongbin consistently invited you on walks with Midnight or to set up cheesy birthday parties for the spoiled dog.

They had tried. Really tried to keep you in their lives.

As these things continued to build up, each memory being dredged up caused you to break until you felt that sting in your eyes.

How Jimri continued to put up with you, you would never know as you were too afraid to muster up anything to ask.

Each treacherous tear fell with each step Suho took to get to you.

Sorry about the tardiness of the chapter. Too much going on.