Episode 11 - Timing

My mind is messed up.

My face is warm.

Some nonsensical naggings still sounded around me. Mum, don’t ask me anymore! STOP! Please go to bed. Leave me alone.

Oh, my heart.

What did you just say? I hear it right. I am positive that I heard it right. It is true. I have never been confessed to. And and… I need some time. 

Lights dimmed. Blanket covered. Eyes closed. Your voice ringed continuously and repeatedly in my ears. “Hurry up and do what you need to do. And then keep your eyes only on me.” I just can’t sleep. My heart is working too hard. My mind is too active. My eyes can’t be elsewhere. Your effect is just overwhelmingly strong.

2 messages arrived together. 2 movie invites arrived together. Is there something wrong with my phone? Or why is this happening to me? I need my sleep.

The following morning, I have to put up with that annoying Team Leader Oh. I played a trick on him to get him off my back. I’ll think of something else when he bounces back.

I was both disappointed and relieved when I didn’t see you at your desk when I arrived. Disappointed over not seeing your bright chirpy self, yet relieved that I have some more time to think. How should I react if I see you now? I need to reply, I had to. Do I/would we feel embarrassed?

But where are you now? Strolling around the Departments, ambushing surprise attacks?

What? Sec Gong relied that you are attending an external meeting this morning and you instructed that I could sit in the strategy team presentations this afternoon. I feel over the moon. I could do finally learn and do some real work! Should I still go after the Bride Collector or just focus on my game developer dream?

2 reminder messages arrived together. 2 reminders on movie invites arrived together. What is with you both? Your timings match exactly. I replied hastily. (I didn’t realise that I had incorrectly sent the banmal reply to you, and formal reply to GD, till much later.)

Now, I can finally sit down to evaluate on why this stack of game proposals did not make the mark. Some are boring, some are interesting but none are as good as my life creation - BongSooni!

In the washroom, I heard gossip about you. My loss of focus while I eavesdrop about you cost the company a faucet.  

Out of the washroom, I witness you breezing into the room, calling for me. I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. I saw you took big strides towards me in the lobby, and held my hand tightly.  

This is office.

(No. I want to.) No? This is for you, not me.

Fingers locked with yours, I was dragged into the lift, with dozens of killer eyes trailing me.

You glanced at my BongSooni. Yes, this is the game that I always wanted to develop. You did a few clicks and thought for 3 seconds. Then you decided that we could try to develop a presentation on it? Are you sure? Yes, I’ll listen attentively and learn at the meeting.

Going for lunch? Did I hear correctly? Aren’t you the advocate and practitioner of one meal per day? And you are inviting me to lunch, just to be with me? That is seriously thawing all my insides.

You stand at the door, watching me, waiting for me. You really have vague idea of how much your attentiveness, seemingly ordinariness in expression have created ripples through my heart. No, no one else had given me this feel. I followed your lead to the lunch hall, picked up the lunch, and sat opposite you, stared at how you mix your curry into the lunch. The hall is quiet. There is no one else.

Everything is tranquil till Team Leader Bok and Sec Gong joined in.

Yes, I love Tonkatsu and thank you. Other than Dad, you are the only guy who share such nice food with me.

Team leader Oh annoyed us during lunch. Yes, I had traumatized him this morning. Oh yes, I am an alien. And Team Leader Bok actually buy my alien theory? HA.

We got past that era eons ago. We exchanged some knowing glances at the lunch table. Yes, you know. I know you do.

Tonkatsu tasted absolutely sweet.

Since Team Leader Bok is so irritating and doesn’t back off, I gave him a chopstick bracelet to silence him for a while.

I witness you working although this is not the first time I see your efficiency. Gradually, I had realised that you are working all the time, be it sitting on your desk, strolling around the office, in your car.. that focus made you shine. There is no need for abs and 6-pack for a man to be attractive. An efficient and focus man has just the right amount of appeal. I took a few more peeps uncontrollably. Oh, what is happening to me?

I am impressed by how well you carry yourself, present your work and argue ever so convincingly, and that you remember your script by hard (did it even need to be scripted as you know your work so well?). Pause at the right places. Explanations at the appropriate junctures. You don’t even have to think to include all those! You speak so fluently and most logically. You even sensed my lack of complex lingo and simplified the terms used for layman to understand.

Impressive. Admirable.  

This irksome Team Leader Oh was throwing paper balls at me, when I am trying hard to concentrate during your briefing. I had to think of something else to tame him later.

My mind is acting funny as I am not looking forward to meet Gook Doo. Since he is already here, I’ll have to meet him. It has been quite a while. Why is he still not here? There is still no sign of him. Why am I always waiting like a silly person? Maybe it’s better this way. I don’t know what I can say when I face him now.

I knock into you when I am about to leave the cafe. 

“I can read you. I can see it all.”

Yes, GD didn’t come. I wasn’t disappointed. That’s not the first time anyway.

Yes, I’ll need to finish the presentation today and have no time to watch a movie. It has nothing to do with the company. I want to do that, I am willing to do that, I have been craving for the chance to do that.  Please do not cancel the presentation. Be fair to the waiting.

“Could you please like me?”

How could you say the exact words that stir and move my heart?

I look into your eyes. Your sincere gaze, like there is no one else in the world. It is easy just to look at you and follow your lead.  I have seen that multiple times. That is a gaze that could shatter my considerations into pieces.

I hear your plead, “Stay with me today.”

Another huge wave came, drowning me before I could recover from the earlier. Yes, I hear that again. Heard that correctly. Especially touching since this is from you. Once last night. Now again. That stirred me, yet, am I so honoured to have that?

I see tears flickering in your eyes. I feel similar rolling in my own eyes too.

I want so much to hold your hand, yet there are conflicts within me as I do not want to you to be hurt because of me. You must know that I am different, the Hercules who caused you to be hurt every time and hence, are you prepared? Have you thought through it?

While I am undecided, faltered, thinking for you, you pulled me slightly and I walked straight into your waiting arms. I feel your warmth and influence that spread through me. My hands quivered hysterically. My heart rate accelerated.

Like a little rabbit, I was surrounded by your strong arms, body enclosed in your tall frame, heart burrowed into yours.

I shivered as my arms gathered round your back and held you closer.

That couple of minutes, I closed my eyes, inhaled and felt all you (only you could) are giving me, senses outrageously alive and kicking.

The way you hold me, like no one else would.

The way you made me feel, like no one else ever could.

We have each other.

Nothing else matters.

The few minutes of closeness, put my heart and mind momentarily at ease.

After consciousness returned, I panicked and scampered away. Did I go overboard? How am I going to come to work from tomorrow? It’ll be so embarrassing!

My world lighted up after thy hug, our silent acknowledgment of each other. Stars luminated the sky, not a paranormal sight, it is the result from immerse joy.

After all these years, all those years, there is finally, one whom I like, for me.

I re-joined you in Ainsoft lobby. We strolled down the streets. Had dinner. Sauntered more down the streets. You are so warm. So funny.  So affectionate.

We can’t stop smiling.

My heart feels so full, so complete, as I am with you.

Don’t worry. I won’t change my mind as I have decided.

Yes, our tomorrow will be better than today.

I watched your car moved away and disappeared into the night. Was that longing that I suddenly feel?

As I day-dreamed, KS scared me from behind! Why is KS outside? (How much has she seen?) KS, don’t do things that put yourself in danger and cause me to worry. Will you? When I tell you to stay home, please stay put at home. (Now, I understand why you are so worried when I wonder along the streets. Having someone special that we like to love and protect.. makes us happy, makes us worried too.)  Can I be so (this) happy? No, no, I shouldn’t jinx myself.

When I don’t feel like meeting GD, he called again.  There is no escape. I shouldn’t escape too as I need to face it one day. Somehow, I am more sensitive today and feels what GD might say. I stopped him and shared that he is my best friend. Don’t spoil what we share now. Keep it that way. I just want to be your friend now. (GD, it’s way too late.) I hope that will keep hurt to the minimum.

That very night, I cried.

I let go a habit that has met its expiry; that had always weighted my heart down, often causing it to be bruised.

I let go.

Yes, tomorrow will be better than today. A calmer and happier force touched my mind, as I fall asleep.

BongSoonni is the subject of my game. I had pondered over it for a long time.

What is the aphorism of Bongsooni? To save the prince from the dungeon of ever loneliness. No one may understand and empathise loneliness and helplessness more personally than I (we) do. Strength that I need to hide, weaknesses that are being emphasized on and consequent loneliness from that.

You were brilliant in your ideas! A couple of changes that you suggested made BongSooni much more vibrant!

You are so cute, be it in the lunch hall, or in the library. You are simply too distracting. I could be walking into walls soon.   

Having lunch together, meeting up for dinner, holding your hand, walking me home, seems like the simplest things in life, but the most precious.

I feel disturbed, by the police sirens, in the dead of the night, in the middle of Dong Bong Dong. I feel your hand tighten the hold on mine. I’ll be careful, don’t worry.

I really hope, it’s just routine police patrol, and no other girl is being kidnapped.

“Hi there!”

“I am touched by what you wrote.”

“Where? Which paras?”

“About DBS. On the overall feel of your thoughts. You have some time to talk?”

“Maybe a short while?"

“Let’s start with some bloopers.”

“There is a lot! The kid gangsters. That big gangster. Even KS, who still roams around the alleys, even when the wolf is still out on the loose.”

“GD took so long to reach Ainsoft, can’t text DBS to tell her that he can’t make it last minute..”

“Yes” (a weak voice)

I hear your weak voice. I can imagine some elements of blue and downcast in your mind. Maybe today is not a good day for you. Maybe you still mind?

I tried to lighten up the mood, “Some parts are so funny. MH transferred his insomnia to DBS, after his confession.”

“While MH intimidates Gong, DBS intimidates Oh. All at the same table over lunch. That part is so funny. Incredibly hilarious!”  

I hear you laugh a little.

I added, “There is something I would like to say, in front of you, if I can choose.”

“What is that?”

“About timing."

"About the Movie date? Confession?”

“Some things that are related to TIMING came to my mind after this episode but it’ll be long.”

There is a pause. The pause confirms my earlier hypothesis. I need to do something, at the right time.  You are too good, too kind. You shouldn't be dragged down by a habit.  If DBS can do it, you can too.

“Are you still there?”

“Yes, but I need to go soon. No matter what, I am happy to see how and where they are heading. I like it that MH is so open.”

“MH is a very direct person. Once he has decided, he felt great and could be open about it, them. In short, he couldn’t wait to announce to the entire world.”

“Yes, that is part of his charm. & I feel so good about Bongsooni – a single aphorism of Bongsooni, that meets the needs of both, soothes the hearts of both. No one understands loneliness in that much depth, from DBS and MH’s POV., and how they gain comfort from each other, from a game that they are putting their heads on together.. “

“Don’t cry.” I heard you.

“I am not.” I know that you tried so hard. Happy and yet touched at the same time, tearing unconsciously.

Yeong! (In the background.) “Sorry, I need to go.”

“Go ahead.”

I sat down, attempting to pen down my thoughts.

There is so much truth in this one episode, that I wanted to say, to tell you.

But I really think it’s better to tell you in person, one day. I need to tell you in your eyes, to read your expression.

You need time? Of course, don’t let me wait for too long. You are.. so cute. What should I do with you? How I adore you. Are you sleep yet, I wonder.

Why must I attend those boring 21^st Century meetings? That took away a morning that I could spend with you. Why are you not answering to my message? Let me send you a reminder. Your banmal reply sent an unmeasurable amount of excitement through my veins, and made me forget the annoyance of attending the silly networking event momentarily. Participants are whom I usually see. Since the reporters there are gossipy, I announced that I am straight, and my girlfriend is in Ainsoft. That gave them something to print, and made me happy too. Am I out of my mind now? I don’t really care… as I feel so happy with you.

Let’s do this together, 3 complete meals a day, Bong Soon na ... Why are you staring at me in shock? Aren’t you eating? Does the food suit your taste?

Sec Gong. I like banmal from the person that I gave permission to, and that’s not you. I stared daggers at him. Sec Gong reverted to formal language. Yes, that’s much better.

Team Leader Oh announced that you are a terrifying woman. I am not bothered at all and laughed over that comment instead. I knew and seen everything way before him. He only knows the random bits and pieces, but I know it all. You are just strong, not terrifying. He doesn’t know how sweet and thoughtful you really are. & that you are flesh and blood, just as human as all of us.

Why did he say that? You must have intimidated him again, didn’t you?

And Team Leader Oh, you don’t need to tell me who and what she is. I know you that long ago, and in much finer details.

Here, dear peanut, have another piece of tonkatsu. Our Chef is good and I know you like this, don’t you? Quickly finish your lunch. We still have work to do.

I made a few calls, connected a few Departments and laid out the work for next weeks’ update before the presentation this afternoon.

Ji Na to save her twin brother Ba Ro.

Searching for Ba Ro.

An aphorism introducing this game could be.. Throw complex terminologies away. … in simple terms, its family love. Save your family members. That is the underlying theme of the game. That's also to meet one of Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’, through a game.

I zoom in to see your reaction as and when. I feel so good to see you, whenever, where-ever, what-ever.

You are simply lovely, and my lenses are not rose-tinted.

I still have a follow-up meeting after the presentation that you have attended. Still have much details to go through, the platform(s) to roll out to ponder on. Need to finish all these earlier so that I can make time to bring you out to dinner. Can’t wait to share one of my favourite food with you!

Where are we now? Let’s continue with the next agenda item.

My day’s meetings have finally concluded. I walked into my office but you were no-where to be seen. Where did you go? In Gook Doo is here? What the? Must he be such a thorn in my flesh?

I dashed downstairs and spotted you alone in the cafeteria. My heart found its place.

Closing up, I feel upset to see the disappointment and rejection in your eyes. It hurts me to see you down, especially when you shouldn’t and needn’t be downcast due to that jerk. I could see and read you.  Aren’t you too busy for a movie date? I criticise my own company. There is problem with this company. You can work with me if you want to. Don’t make me abuse my power if you keep rejecting my proposals. I plead, “Bong Soon na.”

“Please like me back.” Reciprocate my love, please. 

Can you still work in our current state of mind? I can’t. I need to be with you.

“Stay with me today.” I am here. Please come to me.

I stretch out my hand, waiting for yours.

I hear you. I know you are different. What’s with that? I know all that ages ago, in fine details. That doesn’t matter to me. What matters is you, only you.

I stand in front of you, looking into the depths of your eyes. I already know your strengths and weaknesses.  Come to me, my love. Sensing your internal conflicts and concerns for me, the only way I know is – I convince you about me, my heart, by pulling you right into my arms.

I shared both your warmth and shivers, I tapped your back, erased your insecurities, gave you the assurance, that you need. You didn’t struggle. I felt your arms tighten around me. Yes, you must have sensed it too it – that I am here, always here, for you. My mind and heart fall back into place, with you, here with me, now.

My eyes closed, inhaling all of you, listening to your body rhythm.

This is the moment.

Stay with me.

I hid you well within my frame. My mind smiled, as I felt your hands tighten around me.

In that few minutes, we were locked in each other’s arms.

Nothing else matters.

Feeling that our heartbeats are synchronised and calmer, I released you. You looked teary.  Before I knew it, you panicked and ran.

Don’t run, my love. I’ll open the gates for you. We shall hold hands, stroll, and continue on. I am glad that we are together.

Go in.

You go in.

Yes.

I ushered you to your door, but was sad to see you walked in.

I called out to you - Don’t change your mind. Let’s make tomorrow better than today.

Contentment spread throughout my being as I see your happy face in the rear-view mirror, as I drive away. Can tomorrow come faster? So I can see you again. Hold you hand. Talk to you. Listen to you…

Your Excellency is such a hollow title, you know it so well, even without me wording it out. - Loneliness, could be the fundamental feel where most humans rejected claim but experience. Incorporating that in a simple game, gives people who are in similar boat the power to conquer that loneliness. To know, share, feel and multiple our happiness together.

Is this the game you have in mind? Let’s do the draft and present it in 2 days’ time. I like to complete things fast, once I make up my mind.

Bongsooni is not common. If this is what you want to do, just do it. Let’s give your character an unique feature, a speciality. Sword fighting is way too common. Let’s errrr, give her a hammer. She’ll smash everything up. Like how you crush the walnuts. Yes, use a hammer.

Let’s also create a villain and his army. And create ways where BoonSooni could upgrade her hammer and add helpers for her later.

We are in the library again. I am not reading again. I am looking at you, distracting you, inviting you for dinner. I saw you walked away. Are you playing hard to get? I can do that too, do you know?

I felt disturbed, by the police sirens, in the dead of the night, in the middle of Dong Bong Dong. Let me take you home, see you walk inside the house (please don’t wonder around alone at night). Let me have a peace of mind?

I held onto your hand tightly, looking deep into your eyes.

My little peanut, you must take care. I have lost so much in the past. I can’t lose you, whom I just found.  

I almost refused to let you go.