"They might terminate your contract as Inkigayo MC. They said that it was normal for an idol to be absent for a month but you're going to miss the schedule for a whole three months. That's considered violating the agreement."

"Hyung, I'm fired? Just like that?"

The hyung shook his head. "No, I begged them to consider. But there is still a possibility that you lost your job."

"I've only been an MC for two months, hyung. What should I do?" he said, covering his face in shame.

"Right now? Hoping for the best."

~

"Don't mind them all. You've always done your best, never once you let yourself rest."

"It's not enough, unnie." she paused before muttering under her breath. "Never enough."

~

Neither wanted to break apart, staying in that exact position for a good 10 minutes. Not long after, Jinyoung felt Jisoo's body began to shake, followed by a muffled sob as she cried into his chest. His already-broken heart cracked even more.

He lifted his hand and her hair gently. "I'm here. Tonight, tell me everything, okay?"

She nodded before slowly pulling away.

"Sorry, your hoodie is all wet now," she said, pointlessly wiping his tears-stained hoodie. Sensing her desperation, he took her hand and held it, causing her to look up in surprise. At that moment, their eyes met and in an instant, a surge of unexplainable—yet warm—emotion filled their hearts.

The place was dark—the park was entirely covered by tall trees that blocked the moonlight to shine through, and a dimmed post-lamp nearby did little to illuminate its surrounding. But even so, Jinyoung could see her eyes clearly. The eyes that are usually strong and cheerful were now lifeless and vulnerable. He could see that fresh tears were threatening to fall onto her damp cheeks.

"Jisoo," he called her softly. He rubbed his thumb gently on her hand, wordlessly encouraging her to speak up.

"I—," Jisoo swallowed hard, still locking her eyes with his. His gaze was tender but she could see the desperation that reflected hers. As if telling her that it's alright, to be honest once in a while, to admit that desperation is not a sin.

He was feeling the same thing, she thought—she was not alone. Relief engulfed her body as her wall completely shattered. Jisoo cried again—now she had someone to trust, she didn't need to bear with it alone.

"I—I lied," she started. "I've known all along."

He zipped his mouth, patiently waited for her to continue while still rubbing circles on her palm.

It encouraged her to continue. "That couldn't possibly be a ghost," she scoffed, "who am I trying to fool? Who would believe? I won't."

Jinyoung remained silent, despite not understanding the context.

"It would be easier if a ghost was really haunting me but no. The nightmares, that shadow. I know they are all representations of my fear. I couldn't possibly ignore the fact that they'd always come days before monthly evaluation, out of all days. Honestly, those were the only times I fear the most."

She could feel Jinyoung's confusion from the way he squeezed her hand, though she was sure he knew what would come after. He is an idol, out of all people in the world, a fellow idol would know why trainees fear monthly evaluation.

"In their eyes, I was never good enough. My moves were not good enough, my vocal was not stable enough. Doubted that I'd never get to sing those high notes. Honestly, I've learned to ignore them all. I thought..if I debuted then everything would be better, right? Those nightmares would vanish, wouldn't they? These thoughts might be one of the reasons I kept going, " she stopped, choking on her tears. When she closed her eyes, she could see images of those nightmares—or reality that she couldn't differentiate any longer. "B-But I was so wrong, ugh, it only got more intense."

Jinyoung wrapped his arms around her once more, letting her cry it all out. Little did she know, he did that to hide tears that fell from his eyes.

Every trainee has to go through the same process. Some can't take it and leave, but those who thrive will eventually debut. It takes time, painful and tiring process. Only strong ones emerge. And when those idols debut, it most definitely got harder. Criticisms come not only from the instructors—or YG-sajangnim—but also from the internet, from the public, even more vicious, in fact.

So he knew, he knew that she had been really strong. He knew that she had endured everything. But when she broke down crying like this, he knew that she had reached her limit. The bottle is full, she needs to pour it all out before she can start filling it up again.

"I-I've tried my best and I won't stop doing so," she said between her ragged breathing. "But—"

Jisoo couldn't finish her sentence as she wept again. She leaned deeper to his chest, sobbing painfully.

"But you're still scared," Jinyoung finished it for her. He felt her nodded.

"Yes," she whimpered. It took time for her to continue, but then she slowly pulled away, took a deep breath and calmed herself down. When she opened her eyes again, she looked up with determined eyes.

"I'm afraid that I'd start to believe them."

"That's the last thing you should do," Jinyoung quickly butted in.

But Jisoo went on. "No, their words might be true. In my group, I'm the only one who can't speak English. I'm not the main vocalist, even Jennie sings better than me, the last when it comes to dancing—"

Jinyoung frowned. "Jisoo, hey, stop—"

"—and even when the title visual is officially given to me, I know I'm not the prettiest. Maybe just cause they couldn't find a perfect position for me in the group," she kept talking despite Jinyoung's attempt to stop her.

"They probably put me in the line up only because I was naturally close with the other three. We formed a clique just as soon as we met each other. But now, they all realize that the joke is not funny, and I feel sorry for the girls for being a burden," she said. "No wonder that shadow is laughing at me. I'd laugh at myself, too."

"Jisoo," Jinyoung tried again while he gently brushed away her tears.

"I'm scared...and so, so tired."

"I know."

"Sometimes it feels as if they regret adding me to the group."

Jinyoung paused, realizing that the problem was deeper than he thought, not when a level-headed woman like Jisoo started to think otherwise. 

"Earlier I had a meeting with sajangnim and Teddy-oppa," Jisoo said. "It was awful. We didn't do well, I didn't do well. Sajangnim said that my voice doesn't quite fit the song, he even criticized my face, said I looked more and more like SM artist."

"Isn't it a compliment? You're indeed really beautiful," he said, softly gazing at her. He tried to raise her spirit.

It worked for a few seconds because Jisoo blushed and threw him a small smile. However, she shook her head. "Not according to him. It's sarcasm, he doesn't like the style."

Jinyoung frowned, feeling a little bit mad himself.

"You see, the only thing that I want is to be recognized, to be known as someone worthy of being part of Blackpink. But I know life doesn't work that way. Every group experiences the same thing, it is rather impossible to receive fair treatment," Jisoo started again, this time much calmer. She was no longer stuttering and she wasn't sobbing anymore. Jinyoung took it as a sign that she had finished showing her emotion, now it was her time to control it again.

But her eyes, those were the saddest pair of eyes he had ever seen. 

His mind unconsciously wandered back to the past and he realized one thing crucial: deep down she is scared that she is not worthy. Not worthy of being Inkigayo MC, not worthy of being a friend, and not worthy of being part of Blackpink. He remembered the first time he heard her cry over the phone, she was utterly regretful that she had burdened him and Doyoung as well as the Inkigayo crews when no one had ever felt that way. 

She is always scared that she isn't good enough—she doesn't want to disappoint.

"Jinyoung-ah," she called him.

"Hm?"

"I'm greedy," she heaved a deep sigh. "For wanting more. Someone like me...should've been grateful that I even debuted, right?"

Jisoo made a small smile. It was sincere, but it was sad. "Whenever I thought that the world is being unfair to me—why doesn't sajangnim look at my achievement, my improvement? Why is that my hard work never enough? Why can they trust me to sing more lines? All these thoughts had always made me feel ugly. No wonder that shadow is haunting me. He is trying to tell me to stop being greedy."

She took a deep breath and let it all out, "these are all the secrets that I haven't told anyone. Finally, you've seen another part of me that's always been ugly. I'm really sorry. It must've shocked you."

Shock? Maybe, but maybe not. But he was definitely impressed. He hadn't smiled since he came but now he was smiling widely. Instead of bearing ill-feeling towards her, he was proud. Admitting that you're weak, that you're flawed is probably the strongest thing that you could've done. 

"Yeah, quite a bit," he started. "Being greedy, I mean."

That caught her off-guard. What do you expect him to say, pabo-ya, she thought.

Jinyoung saw her disappointed expression even though she tried to hide it. He laughed a little, and took her hand once again, rubbing his thumb on hers. Now he made her confused.

"But it was the most human things that I've heard in a long time. It shows that you're just a normal human being, not a real goddess, contrary to popular belief. A person with desires, dreams, emotions. So to be fair, I'm just as greedy, I've thought worse. We're all even. Calling yourself greedy is invalid."

He smiled. Jinyoung hadn't smiled since he came but he smiled now. He was really impressed. He was proud of her. Despite her frustration, she still refused to give in to greed, she didn't want to have a foul heart. Isn't it amazing?

"You're amazing, do you know that?"

Jinyoung witnessed the way her eyes widened in disbelief and her cheeks blushed a soft pink color.

"So suddenly? You must be mistaken."

"It's true. Many people failed to see their flaws, let alone admit them. To be able to acknowledge and be ashamed of having them means that you are trying to be a good person. That alone shows how amazing you are as a human being," he said, throwing a sincere smile that melted her heart.

"I know it's not the same, but I received a lot of criticisms as well. Unlike you, I wasn't strong enough and often times I vented my frustration to my members. Jisoo, it got better, it got better as long as I try harder."

"Like you, I also have to work hard. Let's work hard together," he finished his sentence. He'd got to admit that his words weren't only for her, he directed them to himself. He realized that he needs to fight as well.

"Jinyoung, how?"

"How?"

"How do you always know the right word to say?"

She had this puzzled look on her face and Jinyoung couldn't help but chuckle. He brought his hand up and pat her head.

"Whenever you have that nightmare of yours, call me, alright? Whenever. You won't need to cope with it alone, let's fight the shadow together."

"About that.."

"Don't tell me you won't do it."

"No, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's just..."

"It's just?" he asked softly and encouragingly, turning his head to look at her. At the same time, she did the same. She saw his gaze; it was the most tender one he'd given her.

"It's just that I'm sure those nightmares won't come again. Thanks to you."

Jinyoung heard her trailing off, as he witnessed her shy eyes looking away. He witnessed how that beautiful heart-shaped lips gradually bloomed into a smile.

At that moment he only felt warmth in his heart. 

Why did I come here again? Ah, that's right, he thought. He came because he was stressed, he didn't know what to do about his possible contract termination but the moment he saw her crying, everything just vanished. When she cried, the only thing that he cared about was to bring back her smile. And when she finally did, his worry, his desperation, his sadness were gone. 

Not only that, he got to see the secret that she was trying to keep, he got to witness her most honest moment. Reserved only for him. Him.

I love you.

He thought as he leaned closer, and closer........

~

"Jinyoung-ah," she called him. 

"Hm?" he said. His hand was the top of her hair, while her head casually leaned on his shoulder. Both of them were sitting on one of the benches, waiting for Jinyoung's taxi to come. 

"I just remembered. During the phone call, you said you really need to see me. Why though?"

His hand involuntarily stopped moving. "Ah, that..it's fine now."

Jisoo raised her head and looked up, she refused to buy that answer. "You listened to me, now it's your turn."

"Nothing really."

"Jinyoung, I'm serious. I can be pretty mean when I'm angry," she said, pouting.

It was rather adorable than mean, it made Jinyoung chuckled. "You sure?"

"Jinyoung!"

"Fine, fine. I just want to see you."

He got a painful pinch on his left cheek. "Ow! Ya, Kim Jisoo. I'm serious! Why did you pinch me?"

"You don't sound like you mean it."

He scoffed. "I really am. I just...I miss you," he blatantly confessed. He grinned when her cheeks flushed.

"I'm going abroad."

That caught Jisoo off-guard. She straightened up and turned to him. "Mwo?"

"I won't be able to come to Inkigayo for...two months? Three? I'm not very sure."

"What?"

"Sorry, that's why I'm desperate to meet you. I won't be able to see you for a long time, I need to take every chance I get to see you."

Jinyoung saw Jisoo frowned. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?"

"You won't say it unless I asked you," she said as she crossed her arms. Jisoo was frowning and she had her arms cross, all the while leaning into Jinyoung's right arm.

"It's just a long three months. We'll meet again afterward. Don't tell me you're the clingy type?" he , receiving another blow on his upper chest.

"Nope, I'm wrong. You're definitely the aggressive type," he whispered under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing," he said before he wrapped his arms around her. "I'll miss you."

"Don't try to flirt with other girls abroad, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am."

~

Sunday, April 23rd, 2017, 06:00 AM

P. Jinyoung (06:00 AM):
It must be 6 AM in the morning. Sorry, I can't be with you for today's Inkigayo. Good luck for today!

As soon as she read that message she smiled. GOT7 members were having a global fan meeting in Australia for a few days so he would be absent for today. It also had been a few days since they couldn't talk on the phone because of the time difference and Jisoo wanted to punch herself so bad for being frustrated over this. Over the fact that she really missed listening to his voice since for the past few days, they could only send brief messages. 

Maybe I really am a clingy gi—, she stopped herself from finishing her thought. Days after what happened in the park and she still couldn't dismiss it from her head. It was too magical, too good to be true. Her thoughts were often sent out to dreamland, and she'd involuntarily, randomly smile every time she recalled it.

The problem is that....what are we? What do we call our relationship now?

"See, Chaeyoung-ah, Jisoo unnie is being weird again," Lisa said, awakening her from her thoughts.

"Unnie, what happened? Really. Is it the ghost? Are you possessed?" Rose asked out of pure concern.

"Are you crazy?" Jisoo asked. 

"Nope, she's not. YOU are crazy, Jisoo," Jennie said as-a-matter-of-factly. She refused to call her unnie when she was annoyed.

"I'm fine, I just remembered something funny that my brother said."

"For days? It'd better be mad funny," Jennie said, making the older pouted.

"Why are you guys awake this early?"

"We have practice, unnie. Lucky you, you can skip today's practice," Lisa said. Just then, manager-unnie came with breakfast for the girls. She called Jisoo and asked if she was ready to go.

Jisoo sighed in relief as they both got inside the van because then she could escape her quick-witted members.

"I heard from the girls, you've been acting strange lately."

Nope, take it back. Take those words back.

"Unnie, not you, too?"

"So what happened? You and Jinyoung, I mean."

Jisoo widened her eyes and instantly turned to her manager. She didn't say anything but her also-quick-witted manager caught that suspicious gesture.

"Okay, spill. You've been doing something behind my back."

"What do you mean?"

"Something did happen between you and Jinyoung, right? Actually, when the girls told me about your condition, I wasn't that worried. It's probably just about your hopeless crush."

"It's not a crush anymore.." she trailed off but too late, her manager heard that.

"What's that? You guys make it official? What? How? Since when?"

Jisoo sighed. "No, sadly," she sighed again. "Not official....yet."

"What do you mean? You really did something behind my back do you?"

Jisoo took her phone and played with it to hide her another random, involuntary smile that was surprisingly hard to suppress. This is it, this is what a stupid love can do.

"Jisoo, I'm actually serious. I'm asking as your manager."

"Unnie, are you a psychic?"

"Jisoo, I'm serious," Lee Sang-won said with a threatening tone. "And I probably am a little bit psychic."

"We met."

"YOU MET?" Lee Sang-won almost screamed. 

"And it wasn't the craziest part. We were talking about our problems and..."

"And? Jisoo, what did you do?"

"And we ki—"

Just then a message popped out and it immediately caught her attention.

Kim Doyoung (06:25 AM):
Unnie, don't freak out, alright? I received bad news from my manager. It's supposed to be a secret but I need to tell you.

It's about Jinyoung-hyung.

 

----------

I love the smell of sweet moment ending with tragedy.

And also...I know, I know. Curse me all you want, I'm guilty as charged hahaha. I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS LATE, LATE, SUPER, DUPER, LATE UPDATE :(

No excuse whatsoever, I was just having a terrible writer block. Like when you read something that other author wrote that is extremely good and it just made you feel that your own work is ty...

I kind of revising and revising, changing the plot here and there because I'm dissatisfied of my own work. Until I realized that this story won't come up good nor bad unless I finish it.

So here goes...

I hope you like it :( And I have a question for you! Tell me what do you think to come afterward! And what the ending of this whole book is gonna be like according to your thought! I really want to see your theory!! :)

 

 

P.s I love He Is Psychometric but I am truly dissatisfied with how it ends. I'm planning to write a story about He is Psychometric with a different plot and of course JinJi as the main character, what do you guys think?