Min Yoongi sits at the massive wooden working desk in his studio apartment. He opens his laptop, opens an empty document, stares at it. His fingers hover a little over the keyboard, uncertain. Then he types:

Chapter 1|

Unconsciously biting his nails, he stares at the words that have just appeared on a previously white page, as if they’re about to do something. They don’t. He stares more. They still don’t.

Min Yoongi gets up from his desk, because he has to make coffee. There’s only instant left, but whatever, will do. He pours water in a black electric kettle, switches it on, walks along the kitchen counter until water is boiled. Then Yoongi pours it in a mug along with two teaspoons of instant coffee and a teaspoon of sugar. Then he leaves the kitchen zone and crosses his studio, back to the desk. Yoongi sits at it again. Sips some coffee – hot, too hot – puts the mug on the desk near the laptop for the time being.

Then Yoongi does not go back to the document, he opens the browser instead. He suddenly  remembers that there’s been this one app he wanted to try out, reviews said it was very useful for writing, helps you organize stuff you're working on and all. Yoongi finds the app, downloads it, installs it. In the middle of the process he also checks his socials for a brief moment, mailboxes, too. When the app is installed he opens it. Design is crap, but let's give it a try, he thinks. Opens a black page in the new app, types:

Chapter 1|

Yoongi looks at the page. No, the design is so crap he can't do it - and the working area is too small, too many useless tools... He clicks here and there in the app, gets tired, uninstalls it. Gets back to the previously opened plain document. Looks at it. Sips some coffee which has already reached the appropriate temperature. Sips some more, puts the mug away again. “Chapter 1” the screen still says.

Min Yoongi needs to write. Because he is a writer. Yes, yep, heard me right - a writer. The real one, he writes for living. He writes and gets paid for it. But wait, there's more: at the young age of twenty-five he is a successful writer. A year ago his book was published and it became quite a hit, almost a bestseller. Yoongi made some good money, bought this studio in a nice neighborhood. He could afford it, because he finally became a real writer. He was very proud of himself back then.

Now the white of almost blank document stares back at him:

Chapter 1|

Yes, Min Yoongi is a writer. Problem is, he hasn't written a single page in a year. 

He sips some more coffee and then slowly deletes the words "Chapter 1". Instead he types:

Prologue|

Yoongi shifts on the chair and tugs one leg under his to get more comfortable. Yes, Yoongi is a writer, but he hasn't written anything ever since his book - "The Borders of Cypherland" - was published. He had a deal with a publishing agency called TCB (Tiny Crab Books), a young company that (suprisingly) specialized on all kinds of sci-fi and fantasy and not on children’s literature. "The Borders of Cypherland" is a fantasy book, by the way. Yoongi send them the manuscript just in case, knowing that four previous agencies had declined it already, and surprisingly TCB liked it, a lot. He got an email from Kim Namjoon himself, the guy who founded the TCB, and he said they would publish it. Big number of copies (for an author like Min Yoongi). Namjoon said Yoongi's book had a potential to blow up, and Yoongi was positively flattered. An editor Jung Hoseok was assigned to work with Yoongi, and together they reworked his book a little, making it a bit more polished, writing-wise, and plot-wise. Hoseok was a great help, real professional and kept Yoongi good company. They grew to be close friends.

But now Yoongi shifts on his chair once more, closes the document, checks his mailbox again, shifts again. It's not comfortable to sit like this. He empties the remains of his coffee, grabs his laptop and moves the writing party to the bedroom zone, more precisely - right to the king-sized bed, the beloved royalty that he.. well, doesn’t share with anybody.

When the 300 copies of Borders were published they sold extremely well. Namjoon was impressed. He made TCB print 300 more, and they were sold too. That was when Namjoon offered Yoongi a long term contract. Namjoon knew his business well, and he felt where the money was coming from. 

"How many books about Cypherland were you planning to write?" He asked straight away when Yoongi entered his office, not even taking his eyes off of the monitor to look at the writer. 

Yoongi was taken by surprise and didn't think his answer through very well.

"Three?" He said. 

"Only three books?" Namjoon looked up at him. 

"I mean, three more." Yoongi was lying. 

"So it's four books?" 

"Yeah, yes, four books. A series. Of four books." 

"Great." Namjoon looked back at the monitor, now satisfied with the answer. "I’ll print them. Are you ready to set some deadline right now?”

“Uh-huh?” Yoongi nodded, not certain if he actually was though.

“How much do you need for manuscript of the second book to be ready?"

Yoongi didn't think this answer through at all.

"Six months will be enough, I guess? If I only do the writing and quit my current job, you know…"

"Great, Min Yoongi, this is just great." 

And later they put it in the contract: Yoongi had to bring the manuscript of the second book by the end of June. And he actually quit his job in a small newspaper, because the money was good, and it all said that it would only be better in future, because TCB printed more copies of “The Borders…”.

And now it was November. And Yoongi didn't have no ing manuscript of no second ing book.

Yoongi sat on the bed, his back to the many pillows piled on it, laptop on his lap. He slowly deleted "Prologue", and typed:

Chapter 1|

Because, he thought, why would you need a prologue in the second book of the series? That's dumb, right?

Right. Yoongi has nothing to offer his agency. Not a single page. And he feels as dumb as a prologue in the second book of a series. He is desperate. He's actually been desperate for the last few months, but he is especially desperate now, because earlier today he's got a very disturbing call from Hoseok.

"Hey pal, Yoongi, how you doin'?" Hoseok sounded as cheerful as usually.

"Hey Seok-ki, great, you?"

"I'm fine. Yoon, I'm sorry to rush, but do you know why I call?" Now he wasn’t as cheerful though.

"You only call me because of the book lately, so…"

"I'm sorry, I know you hate these conversations but..."

"You're damn right I do!” Yoongi faked a casual laugh. “And before you say anything - I am writing. As a matter of fact I might be writing about right now, you know, you might even interrupt me."

What a poor attempt to make a joke.

"This is great Yoon, I just...” Yoongi could hear a busy street sounds overlapping Hoseok’s voice, he must’ve been crossing the road or something. “You know how I always tell you to write? Well now I'm not just telling you, I demand that you get your together and ing write."

"I know, and I do, and..."

"Listen, we had a brief today at the main TCB office and Joon said he's terminating your contract if he doesn't see anything from your before the new year."

Yoongi’s body numbed a little.

"Funny he didn't mention it in the email he sent me the day before..." He tried to make his voice sound casual.

"Because it was not intended for your ears–what you just heard from me, ."

The line fell silent for a moment. Judging by the noises, Hoseok was still walking on the street.

"I'll write, I promise." He said.

"Also." Yoongi heard that Hoseok was now getting into the car, the door clicked loudly as he sat in it. "The latest sales of “The Borders... " aren’t doing so well. Joon thinks these 200 copies we've printed might be the last."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry I've unloaded it all upon you like this it’s just..."

"It's okay, I should thank you."

"It's just that Joon is serious this time. He is gonna cut you off this time, so just please, write. Anything, give me anything - first chapter, prologue, whatever, so I can tell him you’re working."

"I see, I will... Wait, do you think the second book of the series needs a prologue?"

Hoseok paused because he definitely was not expecting this question.

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I just thought.. Ughh, whatever, forget it. I'll write"

"Great, Yoon, I hope you will, I hope that the I told you gave your enough motivation. Now I really gotta go, take care."

"Hey Seok-ki, wait, hows the other Seok?"

"Still calling him this? He's fine." Hoseok’s tone softened.

"You’re going home?"

"Yeah, actually, we're having a dinner with his parents tonight, so..."

"No , man, good luck then!"

Hoseok laughs.

"Yeah, might use some. See ya, Yoon"

"See you, bye. And hey, thanks again."

“Bye.”

Let’s just say, this conversation left Yoongi a bit unsettled. Where unsettled equals freaked out. He felt like his was burning  for real this time, because he believed it when Hoseok told him that Namjoon was gonna end his contract. He let it all slip for too long anyways, and Namjoon never was the patient type in the first place – he just really trusted Yoongi, and the latter had been taking advantage of it for too long. When the June came and Yoongi did not bring anything to Hoseok to edit, he knew that Hoseok reported it to Namjoon. But Namjoon only called him in the middle of July, asking if he was doing alright. Yoongi was, in general, doing alright, he just hadn’t written anything. He told Namjoon that he had been having a bit of a crisis, but he would sure give him the first chapter by August. Namjoon ate it. Yoongi didn’t bring anything by August, nor by September. In the beginning of September Namjoon called and asked Yoongi to come to his office. Yoongi’s heart went to his toes and he felt like a busted student. He entered the building where TCB’s main office  was and  saw Namjoon right away, in the lobby, on the phone with somebody. The man nodded at him to wait for him there in the lobby. When the conversation was over, Namjoon joined Yoongi on the brown leather couch next to the reception desk, where the unfortunate writer was sitting and trying to hide his nervousness.

“Yoongi.” Namjoon started. “I hope you’re aware of the fact that we are actually expecting a manuscript from you, aren’t you?” He stared Yoongi down. “ So, whatever it is you’re going through that keeps you from giving us one, I hope you overcome it. Are you, really, okay? Your family okay? Nothing bad happened?” Yoongi shook his head like a little kid, and Namjoon continued, not that he was really interested in the answer though. “I really loved “The Borders…”, and I really want another book from you. And that is for two reasons. First, because you’re a good writer and all I want in life is to give good writers a chance to be published, so you guys water down a little all the crap that is being printed these days. The second reason is, I really love making money, and your writing helped me – and yourself – a lot with this one. So I hope, Yoongi, that we will continue working together as in sync as we used to. I gave you the exact time to write the second book that you asked for. That means I used this timing for the long term business planning. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, Yoongi, so I’ll give you an example. I decided to postpone some other releases that we’ve planned to publish, knowing that we might be able to publish your second book by the end of the year. Now I get it we won’t be, so I hope you understand how much inconvenience and money loss it causes me. I have other books to print, Yoongi,  I have many other good authors waiting in line while you’re taking your time. I only let it happen because I like you, I trust you and because your book sold better than anything I’ve ever printed”. Namjoon sighed. “So, once again, I highly suggest you overcome any kind of obstacles you have and provide me with a manuscript as soon as possible. And… share with us your progress, okay? Got a chapter – send it to Hoseok. You know he keeps me updated. It will be good for your writing, too, since you seem to struggle – he’ll help you find a better direction or whatever it is you need.”

Yoongi was ready for the blow, but Namjoon surprised him. He was a tough man, but he let him live this time too. Yoongi reassured Namjoon that he will write, for sure. Give me a week, man, and I’ll give you the first chapter. It’s all in my head, man, up here, just need to get it out, you know? Namjoon seemed to buy it yet again. Actually, Yoongi expected Namjoon to kick him off of the TCB on that very couch. But it turned out way better than he expected, and he went back home feeling really high on how smooth it went. He’ll write. Namjoon seems tough but he might as well give him as much time as he needed to finish the second book.

Today it has turned out different. Now Yoongi is sitting on his bed with his laptop, hysterically thinking of the contents of the second book. He’s ed up, because Namjoon has finally lost his patience. Actually, just the day before, Yoongi received an email from Namjoon, where the man asked quite politely about the status of his writing. Yoongi updated him, in a very careful manner, that he is thinking about the plot and stuff. “Building mental bones of the future story in my mind”, is what he replied to Namjoon, exactly. He didn’t get any answer but he seriously considered Namjoon would take that as a reasonable explanation of the current situation. Apparently, he didn’t. Yes, Namjoon loves Yoongi, but he loves money more. Yoongi doesn’t seem to be the trustful source of money anymore, so he needs to be disposed. That much is fair, Yoongi thinks, but it doesn’t make it easier.

What exactly has been stopping Yoongi from writing all this time, you might wonder. Well… Nothing. Everything. See, Namjoon has only considered Yoongi not being well as a reason that could stopped him from writing, but actually, Yoongi probably was doing too well to write. Ever since “The Borders of Cypherland” blew up, he’s been living his dream. To get such success at 24 would be anyone’s dream, really, and for someone as ambitious as Yoongi it was… mind-blowing. He’s been pregnant with the idea of “The Borders…” since he was 19 and decided that writing fiction was something he can easily dedicate his whole life to. At that time he was about to major in journalism. Even though by that time he was strong in the believe that the journalism as he knew it was not his cup of tea and mostly useless, he still had to make money somehow, so he got a job at a small newspaper called “The Weekly Tribune”. Yoongi thought he would easily manage writing for work and writing his book at the same time. His aim was to write “The Borders” as soon as possible, get published and recognized and never write a single column for any ty newspaper ever again. He thought it would take him a year tops to do so. He was very, very wrong. It took him four. First, money became a problem, so he had to also write for another newspaper, like, part-time, and occasionally for some ty men’s blog. That took most of his time, so working on his book went really slow. Sometimes he was already writing so much for the newspapers about things he didn’t even remotely like, that he couldn’t bring himself to write something he loved and treasured, like his book. Sometimes he was almost about to give up because the perspective of ever finishing the book seemed so unreal. But Yoongi didn’t give up. He struggled, but he kept writing “The Borders…” because, at the end of the day, it was the only thing that kept him going. He only felt comforted in the fantasy world he’d created, and his characters were his best friends.

After “The Borders…” was finally finished, Yoongi felt exhausted and numb. He’d more or less left behind the idea of being successful and recognized for his writing ever since the original timing he’d set for it had been ed up so badly. He sent the manuscript to some agencies, but did it quite automatically, simply because he’d had the scenario for doing so in his head for years. And his story was rejected by all four of them, for similar reasons: the plot seemed too typical, the genre didn’t fit, or the whole thing seemed too… controversial. Too gay, putting it differently. Yoongi didn’t react as bad as he thought he would, though. Well, maybe if it was happening three years ago he’d be crushed, defeated, but then he was just… unpleased with the way things were. So instead of grieving he found other agencies to try out and send his manuscript. One of them happened to be TCB.

Then, you might already get it, many good things happened. Everything suddenly started to go Yoongi’s way. TCB liking his manuscript, the publishing deal, “The Borders…” selling well… When Hoseok called him early in the morning and told they’d sold 200 copies in a week, Yoongi thought he was dreaming.. Then the big four-book deal happened, and  he was finally able to quit his regular job. By that time Yoongi started to draw attention, and receive the long desired recognition. He gave interviews to magazines, attended some fantasy fiction festivals and LGBTQ+ events around the country, almost made it to comic con, all in matter of few months. Some reviews of “The Borders…” said it was “Brave and refreshing”, many kinds of LGBTQ+ sources praised him for writing a fantasy novel where basically all characters were gay. Social media seemed to like him, too. His twitter and instagram accounts got over 10000 followers each and he worked hard to keep them entertained, feeling flattered that so many people were suddenly interested in his opinions and tagged him in the load of fanart. The other good  thing was, of course, money. It was refreshing to have money, for a change. This summer Yoongi finally bought his studio apartment, nothing classy, but to have something of his own felt really good.

So, all in all, Yoongi was doing good and feeling great, but unfortunately he got a bit lost in it. He always knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he had to start writing, eventually. It’s just that he was enjoying his life so much at that point, and writing somehow reminded him of the times of struggle. He knew he ought to write another book now that it’d been put into the contract, and he was almost excited about it. He just let himself have a little rest until he would begin. And the other thing was, he lied to Namjoon at the very beginning of it all: he never really planned “The Borders of Cypherland” to have even a sequel, let alone make it a series. So he practically had to figure it all out.

Yoongi had months to do so and yet he failed. And yet he is facing it all just now, because he’s been too carried away all the time, too convinced that everyone loves him and that he can get away with anything. Now, Yoongi closes his laptop and puts it away on the bed and lays down next to it. He’s so anxious his guts are twisting. He’s gonna lose it all and he’s gonna need to find a job if he s it all up. When TCB stops paying him and “The Borders…” is not selling anymore, he’ll probably be able to live on his savings for a few months, maybe even a year, but then he’ll need a job. Maybe some magazine will hire him because he’s kinda a famous writer. But that means writing about things he’s not interested in, again. Or maybe, Yoongi thinks, he can freelance. Freelance? “Look at you man.” Yoongi says out loud and laughs bitterly at his own suggestion. He fells pathetic. He doesn’t even feel like he’s a writer anymore, he feels as if his book was written by someone else and not him. He’s been acting nothing but childish. Yoongi always thought his childishness was his strong feature and helped him write and be open-minded, but now it seemed to ruin everything he has achieved.

Yoongi reaches at the bedside table and crabs his phone. Sometimes it’s more convenient to write on your phone, he reasons. He actually wrote many of the scenes in “The Borders…” on his old Android when he felt like it or simply didn’t have any other option. Now, when he unlocks the screen, instead of opening the notes app right away, Yoongi checks the socials. His last tweet seems to be very popular. He goes through his mentions and answers with a heart emoji to some people who replied that they loved him. He favorites some, too. Then he sees an unrelated tweet he’s been mentioned in by user @MasterMin__ that goes: “i wish we had another book about cypherland, I mean @ignooynim man, gays r hungry! we cant survive solely on fics now or can we??”. The blood rushes up to Yoongi’s face as he reads it. It’s not that he’s never received this kind of messages, it’s just that right now it may have hit too close to home.

He shuts twitter and finally opens notes. He types:

Prologue|

Then suddenly it all becomes too much. He doesn’t even know what this second book is gonna be about. He doesn’t know , he has nothing in mind, he is currently ing up the opportunities that life has generously given him. It also hits him, that he doesn’t even have anyone to talk about it. Yoongi has always been dealing with any kind of on his own, and this is probably the first time in his whole life when he wishes he had a close friend. Hoseok may be the one he calls a friend, but he’d never call him to tell what a wreck he is right now. He needs someone real close, like, crying together kinda close. Maybe even a partner. Yoongi has been in relationships before but he never really opened up. He’s always been a loner and “kept himself to himself”, as he once put it. Maybe it’s just a price you pay for being creative, Yoongi thought: always needing people to admire you but not being able to really connect? Maybe it is. Regardless of reasons, Yoongi simply don’t have anyone to come and tell him it’s gonna be alright, and it – as a fact itself and it also to admit that he needs someone around.

Yoongi turns around on the bed so he is lying on his stomach and buries his face into the pillows. He stays like this until it becomes hard to breathe. He jerks his head up for some air and looks at the window. The wind outside is crazy and the tops the trees are being bend violently.

Yoongi sighs, gets up from the bed and puts his coat on. Keys, phone and wallet all go into his coat’s pockets, and he himself goes outside in hope to find some piece of mind. Some ancient Greek philosopher once said that you’re most likely to think of some great ideas when you walk. And after all, maybe that’s exactly what Yoongi needs right now: some cold November air to ease his restless mind at least a little. Or to bend him, like a tree, and maybe smash to the ground, he thinks.