Heat from the sun outside shined too bright that i had to wake up this early. today is my second day here in Jeju, alone. why am i alone? hah, thats just how it is. whenever i'm sad, i'd just travel the world by myself. they said the vacation would be great to be spent with companion, well i have a lot of friends but..i guess i should stop relying on somebody. but i'm glad that even if i'm alone, i'm not feeling lonely. my own self has always been the best companion for me at times like this.

I woke up from my bed and freshen myself. i picked the second dress that i received from one of our pandas to wear for today. i was so happy when i received the gifts that fans sent to me through the company for my birthday last week. i'm so thankful to be receiving love from them, and i wanted to show how much i appreciate and treasure them by wearing the stuffs they gave to me. this time its a blue pattern one, and i swear all of them are so beautiful that i felt like wanting to wear four of them all at once. but people might think im crazy if i do, heheh.

I put a little make up on my face. i watched myself through the mirror, as i'm about to wear my lipstick i paused. i traced my hand over my face. my new face, they said. they must be wondering why i did this. honestly i don't know either. i thought they were supposed to like it that i look prettier now. or i didn't. they said i looked weird, they said i made a mistake. do i really made mistakes? did they hate my new look so much? 

I saw them and i read almost all of them. my name was on top of the search engine, which never occured to me for the entire time of my life. a lot of videos uploaded with my name in the titles, articles popping up with my name as headlines, discussing my look, comparing my past and my present appearence. all these sudden attention that i got, why do i felt like wanting to drown myself deep in the blue sea outside? i thought people said i'd be happier doing things that i like. and no i'm not doing this for fame. not at all. i would never receive such thing like that whether in past, present or even in the future, i'm so aware of that fact. all i ever want is just..i just need a little change on myself so i can forget how i was hurt during those days. when i got the least attention but the most hate. when they were being unfair to me and gives me almost nothing that sometimes i'm just so done that i'd just stay quiet, for everyone's sake. 

I did this so that people will start including me in apink's profile. it has been hurt since the past years i lived as an invisible member of apink. to be treated like you were never existed, to be called you were not qualified to be one of them.. ignore them, they said. but how can i ignore when i'm the one who had to live with their judgements. for years. i held it in for years and i've had enough. i wanted to live my life the fullest, if i had to do something, then i would get it done. i need this change so i can stop bringing myself down. but it seems like i made a bigger mistake than it'd supposed to. 

The members were against me from the first place, and now the fans. i know theres awfully lot of them who were disappointed with me. somehow i..i feel so bad for making them ashamed of me. i can see the uneasy feeling through their eyes, and so i tried to avoid making eye contact with any of them since then. i started covering my face with my hair and sometimes i think it would be great to just bury myself deep in the ground rather than feeling this worse. unknowingly tears running through my cheeks, i touched my face.
"why do i cry again? stupid namjoo, why did you cry?" i talked to myself while wiping the tears away. i'm so stupid. this should be a healing trip, why do i have to ruin it? wasn't i here to stop myself from thinking too much about it? maybe mistake is my best friend, that everywhere i go, i can't