Seeing her was magic but her favorite act was to disappear - Perry Poetry

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"Sinb-yah," Umji called as I was busy writing for my paper. "you might want to drink this before you go to bed." She handed me a bottle of banana milk which I accepted with a smile. "Are you done with that?"

"Just give me thirty minutes and I'll be finished with my report." I informed her. 

"Okay," she said. She stood up and went to her desk to clean her things. "Just turn off the lights once you are finished. You know I can't stand sleeping with the lights on." I did not bother to look at her and instead gave her a thumbs up while still focusing on my paper. 

Umji and I are currently in our last year in college and this was actually her first time agreeing with me that we should get a place together. Studying has been hard for me this past year and I'm glad Umji was there to support me. I could not afford to lose focus anymore since graduation would be in four months time. 

I finished my paper and was about to turn the light when I saw my journal on the corner of my desk. Still unopened after a year I bought it. I stared at it for quite some time thinking if I should open it now and use it or just leave it there for a while.

I stopped writing journals a year ago and how much I like to update or write something about myself, I just could not do it. And whenever I have the time to write, I will always find an excuse not to. It's like I'm being forbidden to write something about myself but the difference was that I was the one who decided to.

It feels like I don't have the right to do it.

Not when entry making was your favorite thing to do and I just lost you. 

I lost you because of this selfish 'me' that doesn't want to ruin our friendship. 

I put away my things and arranged them at the shelf beside my bed. Then I went back to where I'm seated awhile ago staring at the yellow journal infront of me. Why did I bought a yellow one? Oh yeah, right. Because you insisted that I should buy your favorite color since you bought mine already. I wonder if you are using it right now.

I took a peek at Umji's side and saw that she's sleeping soundly. I heaved a sigh. We are once a group of six but then because I wanted to run away, Umji came with me. Communication was lost since then and we knew that the relationships we had will never be mended like it used to be. I feel sorry for Umji because she does not deserve any of this. I only dragged her with my misery. 

I also feel sorry for myself. Why did I lose face just when you told me the one thing I wanted you to say? Why did I became afraid of you?

I decided to go out of the room and leave Umji for a while. I need to straighten my thoughts out because I'm beginning to think of you again. I changed my clothes and and placed a kiss on Umji's forehead before going out. 

I was out and saw that it was raining but I did not bother to go back and get an umbrella. I could not care less if I get drenched by it, rain could not damage me any further. What's there to ruin, when you are a ruin yourself?

It was a heavy rain and I'm the only one who was getting drenched and doing nothing about it. People are either inside the convenience stores waiting for the rain to subside or just plain running just to get to their destinations as if droplets of water would catch them. Tomorrow would be a Saturday and Friday nights like this are the worst I would say. It's like everyone was out in the streets going their own respective locations. 

I walked further until I reached a bus stop. When a bus came, I did not hesitated anymore and went inside it. Upon entering, I could already feel the cold atmosphere. With drenched clothes and the air-conditioning in full blast inside the bus, who would not feel the coldness? And for once, I mind the coldness I'm feeling as I made my way to the back.

Many people would say I'm a cold person whose only care was to herself only. I do not really mind what they think about me since I think they were true. I'm such a cold person, and a selfish one at that. But there was you saying you don't mind me being cold because you definitely see what was within me.

Am I really a cold person unnie? Because sometimes, you nearly convinced me that I'm not. And you know what? I could not be more grateful that you still managed to be with me despite the coldness I'm emitting.

I'm sorry for being cold to you unnie. I really do.

I sat near the window, watching the passing of the gloomy scenery outside with my mind drifting to where you are. What are you doing right now unnie? Maybe you are getting ready for bed or out with Sowon-unnie and the gang. I just hope you are happy right now. 

Please be happy Yerin-unnie. 

Let me carry all the weight of this misery I put ourselves into.

I still remember that day. That day you fetched me from school and we went to a nearby public library to chill ourselves. And then you suddenly stopped writing and looked at me. You caught me staring at you and you asked me what was wrong. Of course, I did not say any and just changed the subject.

If only you knew back then.

But I was scared.

Then you offered to go to a nearby cafe and I agreed to go with you but then we caught ourselves stuck outside the library because it was raining hard that day too. you asked me if I want to play in the rain. I looked at you confusedly on why the sudden idea but then you came out to meet the rain and ran away from me.

I did not know what you did there, but that left an impression on me that I suddenly do not want you to disappear in front of me.

I chased you and you looked back at me, grabbing me by the hand and led me to a place God knows where. I do not mind where was that, maybe because I was with you. I remembered calling your name because you suddenly stopped and stared at me.

We stood there for quite a while just looking at each other. Then you said it right there. You said you like me. Not as a dongsaeng anymore. Not even as a friend. I know that you are well aware of what you are risking, but you still made it. 

How I wish you could share that bravery with me unnie. 

My thoughts were interrupted when the driver announced that we have already arrived at Hongdae. I stood up and went out of the bus. Rain has not stopped yet but I still went on my way. My mind went blank as I walked to the familiar streets and my heart beating out of nervousness.

I'm walking to where you are unnie.

These feelings I had bottled up for the past year just would not let me live anymore unnie. The pain I put us all by running away; the pain I put on Umji; and the pain I put on you. I could not put up anymore with the guilt of running away.

I should not have left you without saying anything.

I stared at the dark sky letting the droplets of water hit my face. If the droplets could slap me right now, I would take it. I think I'm getting crazy. Going into this place without any plans just proves that I really have a bad impulse. This is dangerous Eunbi.

But I could not take it anymore. I'm into so much pain by not seeing you unnie. I may look fine since I'm that cold person everyone knows but... Somewhere deep within me, yearns for your company. I want to see those smiles; those cheers you had for me; those looks you are giving me. I miss your touch unnie. I just miss everything about you. I miss you.

If I could only turn back time and rewrite history...

I sighed and bowed my head. Life sure does make us a fool sometimes. Letting us take on decisions out of a blur knowing that nothing would be gained from it. But still, here we are with these decisions we made. It's either we still go for it or just walk away.

And if there was one thing I'm good at doing, that would be walking away.

I'm sorry unnie. I think I could not face you just yet.

"Eunbi?" a familiar voice suddenly called my name. I then suddenly felt the chills travelling through my body as your image suddenly came to my mind.

Maybe going out here in an impulse and meeting you was not a coincidence. It was something planned all along. Like the stars finally aligned for us to meet. Only, I was once again shrouded with fear. It was always me unnie. It would always be like this.

I turned to where the voice came from, and amidst the busy crowd, I caught your stare. Then everything became a blur and I caught myself falling in the atmosphere surrounding you. I finally saw you unnie.

I could not describe the happiness I was feeling inside. I was becoming warm despite the coldness like it did not matter anymore. I saw you staring back at me like you could not believe your eyes if I were real. But there was something in your eyes. Something that asks why and that would be something I'm not prepared to face yet.

I made you cry unnie. The rain could not hide those tears you have and as much as I want to wipe those for you, I'm still not strong enough.

So I stepped back, turned my back at you and ran away again. Just like the last time. 

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Please forgive me for this. I just couldn't let this be a oneshot. Niweis, maybe I could break it into three parts then would proceed to what I planned all along. :)

Take care people! :)