Amira wasn’t sure if what she was feeling was evidence that the punch had indeed been spiked or weed was giving her a second-hand high, all she knew was the stimulation of the room had jumped up levels more than her head was prepared to go. She didn’t know whether to look at Mingyu or Woozi or anyone else that seemed to be taunting. All she could do was stay still because that ensured she wouldn’t somehow accidentally find Joshua in the mix.

Luckily, her new statue life was interrupted by Eunha yanking her arm and navigating them both outside of the room like a military veteran leaving no woman behind.

“Holy ing , dude,” is the first thing Amira heard her say, as they jogged down the stairs as if on the run from authorities. “What was going on in there?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Woozi knocked for, like, three minutes. Didn’t you hear him?”

“What?!” Amira screamed, causing a group nearby to stare at her. “What are you-? I have to go outside. I can’t hear- I can’t think- I can’t,” Amira lightly pushed the people in the hallway aside, hoping that each “excuse me” was intelligible, before slipping out a patio door. 15 minutes ago she was thinking of 15 minutes ago and now a half hour had passed and it’d felt like hours. No, days. An eternity.

“You two were in there for, like, 12 minutes,” Eunha said, in slight awe. “I thought you wouldn’t even make it till 7. But here you are, Kim Mingyu’s face off like it’s an oxygen mask.”

“I wasn’t! We weren’t! We didn’t,” Amira tried to explain, pacing on the clean white wooden porch. “We weren’t even going to and then he said something and I just snapped and things happened.”

“Yes, please. Let’s talk about the things.” Eunha said, smirking and crossing her arms. “By the way, you got a little lipgloss on the side here.” She pointed to the corner of Amira’s mouth.

Amira wiped her face with the side of her wrist in frustration.

“I don’t understand anything.”

“That should be what I’m saying. YOU were in the closet. You should know!”

“I know I should know! But I don’t get it!”

“Okay… Walk me through what happened. Step by step. Because the last thing I remember is a bottle spinning and you and Mr. Party-Thrower being shoved in a closet the size of a modest fridge.”

“Thanks for that journalistic description,” Amira rolled her eyes.

“And then?” Eunha said, ignoring the snub.

“And then we just stood there,” Amira shrugged, tucking the long waves of her dark hair behind her ears.

“And then?”

“And then…” Amira felt it before she remembered it. That was another thing about panic attacks. It was bad when they happened, but they could even resurface just through memory. A two-for-one deal.

Eunha recognized from Amira’s face, the moment a blackout began, the slow fade around Amira’s mind descending into a hole, could show through her eyes.

Eunha grabbed her hands and physically pulled her friend closer so she could return to reality.

“He talked about Joshua.”

“What’d he say?” Eunha asked, concerned.

“Well, I don’t think he actually specifically said it was about Joshua. But I could tell it was,” Amira began. The stress was settling in. If Mingyu knew, then Joshua had to know. And if Joshua knew… How pathetic did she look? And how long had everyone known? Since kindergarten? Since middle school? And now they were seniors. What’s worse than dying from keeping a secret that wasn’t ever a secret? “Something about… everyone knowing.”

Amira didn’t mean to tear up. It wasn’t her fault. It’s just, she had tried all these years to make sure no one knew because what could happen if they did. If Joshua especially knew. Fear of rejection, another cliche at this party, was something she’d been running from for a long time.

Eunha’s face fell. And Amira could tell that Eunha’s secret was making sure Amira didn’t know her secret had long been known.

“It’s true, right?” Amira let the tears fall, not even bother to worry about them possibly making streaks in her foundation.

Eunha didn’t say anything. She just wrapped her arms around her taller friend and rubbed her back.

“You tried your best. Don’t be upset,” she whispered.

Amira hugged her back, numbly. Letting this wave of truth wash over her until another wave came crashing down.

“Holy ,” Amira said, mimicking the same tone as Eunha just minutes before.

Eunha pulled back, startled.

“I- Mingyu- We-”

Eunha nodded enthusiastically, motioning with her fingers as if trying to pull the rest of Amira’s words straight from the air.

“I just had my first kiss.”