“Jaehyun you’ve been here for long, don’t you think it’s time we should talk about it?”

Jaehyun looks at his doctor, displeased. Today is Monday, which means he needs to talk with his doctor again. He talks with him twice a week for counseling and check-ups. Every Monday and Friday. Because of that, in a short amount of time he learns to hate both days of the week. He lets his hand run through his hair, feeling its soft strands fall back in place. He can still smell the conditioner he used early this morning. It was a recommendation from Taeyong, the only person he trusts in this ward.

“Taeyong told me not to trust you.” Jaehyun says.

His doctor lets out a faint laugh. He can see through his face that he is not quite comfortable that he is bringing Taeyong up in their conversation. “What does Taeyong say about me?”

Jaehyun pauses for a moment, thinking hard if speaking about Taeyong to his doctor will put the latter in danger. There’s no way he will let them take Taeyong away from him. He’s the only reason he remains sane even after two months of being around crazy people. “Nothing. Just that I can’t trust you.”

He decides not to tell his doctor everything that Taeyong has told him so far. Even if Taeyong didn’t precisely tell him not to, he’ll just take precautionary measure.

The doctor gives him a snort. “Well tell Taeyong not to tell you lies because it seems like you believe him more than you believe me. Okay, let me tell you a secret.”

Jaehyun pulls his upper body, propping both arms on his knees, hands intertwine and ready to listen. “What secret?”

“Taeyong is a bad guy. He’s not a good influence to you.” he says and Jaehyun has to pull back his arms and lean on the couch in disbelief.

“Don’t say that.” he says, a hint of rage and pain resonates from his voice.

“You are free not to trust me. How long has Taeyong been here, if I may ask?” the doctor asks.

Jaehyun looks at him in suspicion but he figures out there’s no harm in answering the question. “A month.”

The doctor hums. “Uhuh.” He takes out a pen and a folder which seems to have a paper on it. “And you?”

Jaehyun’s forehead creases in confusion. “Why do you have to ask these stuffs? You already know it.”

“Will you answer it? Jaehyun you know how things go in this room.” the doctor’s words seems to be coercing but the way he says it just makes Jaehyun think there’s no harm in answering it.

“Two months. I’ve been here for two months.” he says a bit reluctant.

“How long have you known me?” the doctor asks.

“Two months too.” Jaehyun says.

“And Taeyong?”

Jaehyun lets out a frustrated sigh. “Just a month.”

Jaehyun notices the doctor seems to be writing something on the paper each and every time he answers his question. It kind of makes him feel irritated and disturbed.

“Now tell me, if that’s the case, why do you trust him so much?”

Jaehyun’s mind wanders on that very day Taeyong arrived in the ward. It was a normal day. He wakes up with Mr. Doyoung, a man in his thirties and had been here before he even arrived, tugging his favorite sleeveless varsity shirt. The institution lets all the patients bring their own set of clothes to wear. They say it helps the patients feel like they’re normal. Bull. Now Mr. Doyoung right here, in his baby clothes and feeding bottle, is calling him daddy every single morning that he became his alarm clock. Jaehyun heard that before he came here, he and his wife lost their baby to a kidnapper. He was depressed for months and ended up thinking he was the baby.

Normally, Jaehyun will tell him to off and go away but he figures out he wants to break some routines today. So he pats him in the head and slightly messes his hair. “Good morning, baby.” he says. Mr. Doyoung just giggles at him and proceeds to the next patient. Jaehyun lets out a sigh of relief, places both of his feet on the ground and walks toward the wall where a small window, the only one in the room too, is located few inches above him. Luckily he is tall enough to see the outside if he will just tiptoe a little. Then through that he will see the outside world for a moment. The busy streets where cars are in a rush and in a hurry for work and school. The dysfunctional stoplights that will always cause trouble to the people who crosses the street. The smoke that will come out of the chimney of the bakery just in front of the same street. And the flower shop that is usually just about to open when he peeks through the window. He had observed all of it for a month now.

Oh. How he misses the outside world.

Because of being waken up earlier than he is supposed to, Jaehyun has enough time take a bath and prepare himself for the day. After that, the nurse will come in and wake up the rest of the patients that had not been awaken by Mr. Doyoung yet. The nurse is usually here to usher them to the cafeteria where they will have their usual breakfast of egg, hotdog, a little bit of ham, one slice of French bread and a glass of milk.

Jaehyun casually walks alone to his usual spot. Since he is the newest to arrive in the institution, he doesn’t have a seatmate in the table yet. However, he has two foodmates in front of him. That’s what he calls the people who are in the same table with him to eat. Jungwoo, the quietest boy in the institution, wears his usual coat and tie. Jaehyun heard he graduated as class valedictorian but he went crazy when everywhere he applied to, he was overqualified. On his side, is his complete opposite, the loudest of all, Yukhei. He, too, is wearing his usual clown attire, with the signature red nose. Jaehyun hasn’t heard his story yet but he wonders why he keeps on reciting the alphabet every now and then.

Before Yukhei could take it from him, Jaehyun grabs his glass of milk and chugs it. The latter seems to have a dangerous addiction to milk that ever since he first ate with him for breakfast, he would always steal his.

“You love milk?”

Jaehyun looks beside him and sees an unfamiliar face.

“Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re crazy too. You look pretty normal to me.” the stranger speaks again.

“I’m not.” Jaehyun says.

“Well that’s what crazy people would usually say if they are asked about being crazy.” the stranger says.

Jaehyun laughs. “Beats me. Are you new here?”

“Just arrived today. My name is Taeyong.” Taeyong puts out his hand for a shake and Jaehyun takes it.

“Nice name. I’m Jaehyun.” he says.

“Well that is a name. Nice to know I will have someone sane to talk with here.” Taeyong chuckles and they begin to eat.

From that moment, Jaehyun has become obsessed observing Taeyong . He is bubbly and easy-going. His face is small and soft but it exudes certain sharpness. His skin is perfectly toned and his height is just enough for Jaehyun to put his arms around his shoulder. His every little gesture feels so delicate. Jaehyun sees all of it. From the way he moves his hand whenever he explains something. To the way his mouth opens up for a laugh whenever Jaehyun cracks a joke. When he talks with him, it makes Jaehyun feel that he is wanted. That he could talk with him all day long about things they like, music they listen to, books they read and food they usually eat, but never get tired of each other. Jaehyun thinks Taeyong is someone he was definitely wishing for. For the first time, somehow, he feels grateful that his mother sent him in this ward.

 

“I trust him because he trusts me.” Jaehyun says.

“Are you in love with him?” the doctor asks.

Jaehyun blushes. He never thought of what he feels about Taeyong ever since he met him. To him, he is just someone he can talk to everyday. Someone he can share his feelings, thoughts and aspirations after getting out of this ward. Sure, they may be intimate sometimes. To which Jaehyun is guilty because sometimes Taeyong is simply irresistible. But as far as he knows, he is merely someone who keeps him sane from all the insanity that he sees around.

“Don’t tell my mom or I would never get out of here.” Jaehyun says.

The doctor puts the pen and paper aside. “Jaehyun, tell me about your mom.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “What else is there to say? That my mom hates me for ruining her reputation that she had to send me here because she thinks being gay is a psychological problem?”

The doctor clears his throat and proceeds to pour some tea for Jaehyun. “Here drink it. It’ll help calm you down.”

Jaehyun takes a deep breath and accepts the tea, sipping a little from time to time.

“Why do you think your mom hates the fact that you’re gay?” the doctor asks.

Jaehyun takes another sip before speaking. “Because I was just so perfect before I said it. I was the basketball team captain. Girls fawn over me. I have enough popularity and talent to get me a scholarship for a good university but I just had to ruin it by coming out.”

The doctor gives Jaehyun a smile. “Thanks for telling me that Jaehyun. I feel that the more often we talk, the more you trust me of your feelings.” he stands up and opens the door. “That’s enough for today. See you this Friday, young boy.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, finishes the cup of tea before going out. He goes straight to the cafeteria where he sees Taeyong eating with Jungwoo and Yukhei.

“A B C D E F G H I…”

“He’s being loud again.” Jaehyun says as he sits beside Taeyong who managed to put a cookie in between his lips.

“Been doing it for ten minutes now.” Taeyong laughs and wipes away the cookie crumbs in the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth. “How’d it go?”

Jaehyun munches a little. “The usual. He asked a lot of things.”

“Did you answer a lot?” Taeyong asks.

“Nothing much. I followed what you said about not answering too much when he asks. Just the bare minimum.” Jaehyun says as he takes his own glass of orange juice and drink from it.

“Good because I’m telling you he’s just messing with your head.” Taeyong says.

Jaehyun gives him a smile and offer him his orange juice. “Here take this. I know you like orange juice more than me.” As soon as he gives it, Taeyong fails to hold the glass causing for it to shatter under the table.

“Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun flinches at the sound of one of the nurses. “You made a mess again. I told you not to give Taeyong your orange juice because he always fails to catch it. By the end of the year, both of you will be breaking all supplies of glasses.” she nags.

Taeyong, face painted with worry, mouths a sorry to Jaehyun and the latter just shrugs it.

Minutes after the nurse finished cleaning up, another nurse comes in with a tray. It means it is already ten in the morning. The nurses usually come around and hand in two tablets of medicine and a glass of water for patients to drink. “Here Jaehyun, your fair share.” one of the nurses comes in and leaves the medicine and the glass of water in Jaehyun’s tray.

As soon as the nurse transfers to another patient, Taeyong coos in to Jaehyun which made the latter blush. “If you want to get out of here, stop drinking that. It worsens your condition rather than making you feel better. You know it yourself but you’re just too good to disobey. I’ve thrown mine earlier.” Taeyong whispers.

“Really?” Jaehyun tries to speak lowly, almost whispering. “That’s what I thought too. I thought I was the only one. Something’s really fishy with this ward.”

Taeyong carefully nods, trying to see if somebody’s watching. “Go on then. Put the tablets inside your underwear and let’s throw it outside.”

When Jaehyun successfully puts it inside his underwear, he yells at the nurses that he is done. They both cheekily smile as they go out to the garden and hide the medicine behind the plants. The sun is up today but it is not too hot. It is probably because the wind at this part of the ward is so cold that it balances out the heat. It is the only place that somehow makes the both of them comfortable. Away from the suffocating four-cornered white walls of the ward and near from the fragrance of nature.

Jaehyun sits on the grass, limbs straightly sticking out as his hands support his body from behind. Taeyong sneaks in and positions his head on Jaehyun’s lap, looking straight to the sky. Jaehyun can’t help but admire how his face brightens up.

“What will you do if you finally get out of here?” Taeyong asks.

Jaehyun looks up to the sky and wonders. He has never really thought of what will he do if he ever gets out. There’s really nothing that is left for him outside. “I honestly do not know. Probably go somewhere else and start a new life.”

Taeyong chuckles. “You make it sounds so easy.”

“I don’t know. Will you come with me?” Jaehyun asks.

Taeyong’s eyes blink in confusion. “Me? Why me?”

“Starting a new life will for sure be hard but I feel like if you’re there, everything would seem so easy.” Jaehyun gives him a sweet smile, blushing when he realizes what he just said.

Taeyong seems to be frozen for a minute before he lets out a big laugh which made Jaehyun even more embarrassed.

“I shouldn’t have said that.” Jaehyun says.

“No… no. Don’t get me wrong.” Taeyong tries to compose himself, reaching for Jaehyun’s cheek. “Jaehyun, you’re the sweetest person I have ever known. You really don’t deserve to be in here.”

Jaehyun stares at him for a while, feeling his heart beats rapidly. “You too.” he says, taking a big gulp before leaning in for a kiss, immediately retracting when he realizes what he did again. “I’m sorry. The moment just made me want to kiss you.”

Taeyong laughs again. “It’s okay. It took you long enough to kiss me though.”

Jaehyun, amidst being taken aback, curls his mouth into a smile and leans again for a kiss. “I’m sorry. From now on, I’ll kiss you every time I could.”

 

∞

 

The familiar voice of the nurse wakes Jaehyun up. Feeling a bit disgruntled, he pulls himself up, slightly weirded out by waking up this way. The sun has completely shone brightly which he does not usually miss because Mr. Doyoung wakes him up before the sun is completely up. But now he missed it, together with the other things he observes in that small window. He fixes the crease in his favorite polo and jumps out of the bed. The nurse smiles and greets him good morning.

“Good morning. Where is Mr. Doyoung?” he asks.

“Oh. His wife has transferred him to America. He left yesterday.” the nurse says.

Jaehyun’s heart has sunken a little. Now that he thinks of it, he didn’t see Mr. Doyoung last night during dinner as well. Although he is not very close with him, he could have used some goodbye. After all, Mr. Doyoung is his alarm clock. He holds a special space in his heart. Now he has to wake up every morning on his own if he wants to observe the outside world for a moment.

He wears his bunny slipper and proceeds to the cafeteria where he sees Taeyong with Jungwoo and Yukhei who is already eating their breakfast. When he gets closer, he notices that his milk is already gone. “Not again, Yukhei.” he says.

The latter just responds with his usual alphabet recitation which makes Jaehyun even more frustrated because he can’t really get mad at the man who doesn’t even know what he’s doing.

“Hey, good morning.” Taeyong tugs on Jaehyun’s polo, offering him a sweet smile. “Rough morning?”

Jaehyun lets out a sigh, calmed down in the presence of Taeyong. He sits and leans over for a kiss on Taeyong’s cheeks. “Good morning. You smell really nice.” he says.

Taeyong giggles as he fixes Jaehyun’s collar. “You smell nice too for someone who hasn’t taken a bath yet.”

Jaehyun laughs, taking a bite of his hotdog. “Yeah. I kind of overslept. Mr. Doyoung is not here anymore to wake me up.”

Taeyong presses his lips together, seeing the sadness in Jaehyun’s eyes. “Where’d he go?”

“Transferred to America.” Jaehyun says.

Taeyong reaches for Jaehyun’s shoulder and squeezes it. “That kinda . But think of the bright side, he’s finally out of this hell. I’m sure he’s happy.”

Jaehyun tries to give him a timid smile. “Yeah, it’s just… it was so sudden and I wasn’t even able to say goodbye.”

Taeyong scoots closer and caresses his back. “It’s okay. Finish your food and I’ll show you something.”

Jaehyun nods as he finishes his hotdog. He takes the ham and egg and put them in the bread to make it a sandwich. Luckily, Taeyong hasn’t finished his milk yet so he gives him a heads up and takes some of his milk. Taeyong is just all smile when Jaehyun takes it from him, a good thing that he doesn't really like milk as much.

"I wonder why Yukhei only takes my milk." Jaehyun says.

"You must be his favorite." Taeyong chuckles.

Minutes after, the nurses arrive bringing their usual trays with them. Jaehyun glances at Taeyong and the latter just shakes his head, leaving Jaehyun to nod in agreement. As soon as the nurse leaves his share of the medicine, he takes them and puts them in his underwear. When the nurse comes back, she praises Jaehyun for being a good example as she makes Yukhei and Jungwoo drink theirs.

“Hey Jaehyun. Hey Taeyong.”

Jaehyun looks to his side and sees his doctor bringing with him in what seems to be a camera. “What is that for?” he asks.

“Oh this?” The doctor raises the camera for the both to see. “This is a Polaroid. I’m taking pictures of everyone to put it in a bulletin board we have in the lobby. Come on now. Take a pose, both of you.” he says.

Jaehyun looks at Taeyong and the latter has already formed his fingers into a peace sign so he just looks at the camera and does the same.

“Uh. Jaehyun why don’t you come closer to Taeyong and put your arms around him.” the doctor says.

Jaehyun shyly scoots over and gently wrap his arm around Taeyong, pulling him closer. “Is this okay?” he asks.

Taeyong nods at him. “We’ve done so many things together already. Why do you ask?”

“I mean… he’s here, watching.” Jaehyun says.

“It’s okay. Now give your brightest smile.”

Jaehyun does as told to. The doctor clicks the camera and a piece of photo comes out of it slowly. “Good. Now come visit at the bulletin board sometime. Jaehyun, see you this Friday.” the doctor waves at them and proceeds to take pictures of the other patients.

As soon as the doctor puts his attention to the other patients, Taeyong grabs Jaehyun’s hand and pulls him out to the garden. “Wait here.” he says.

When Taeyong comes back, he brings with him an orange balloon with a thread tied on it, a pen and a paper. “Here.” he reaches for Jaehyun’s hand and gives him the pen and the paper.

“What are these for?” Jaehyun asks.

“Well you said you wanted to say goodbye to Mr. Doyoung. Let’s send him a letter through this balloon.” Taeyong responds, a sweet smile painted all over his face.

“Oh.” Jaehyun can’t help but smile. Taeyong is sometimes just so cheerful and talkative but when he does serious things out of the blue, he’s literally the purest and sweetest person he had ever known. He takes the paper and cuts it into half. The other one, he writes a short message for Mr. Doyoung. The other one, he writes something and folds it neatly.

“Here.” he gives Taeyong the paper.

Taeyong bores a hole somewhere on the top of the paper and carefully ties the thread on it. He lets Jaehyun hold the thread and gives him a tap on the back. “Of course Mr. Doyoung will not get a hold of this letter but I’m pretty sure somewhere, he will see this balloon and know that it comes from you.”

“Thank you.” Jaehyun smiles as he lets go of the thread and watches as the balloon flies up to the sky, higher and higher until it slowly disappears from his vision. He looks at Taeyong at once and gets the other piece of paper he hid on his back pocket. He reaches for Taeyong’s hand, opens his hand and puts the folded paper on it.

“You know, ever since you came here, my days felt extraordinary. It’s not because I have someone sane I can talk to or I have someone I can hug and kiss. Partly maybe. But to be honest, it is really just because it is you. You and everything about you just makes my stay here extraordinary. I don’t think anyone could ever be as lovely as you.” Jaehyun says.

Taeyong bit his lower lip, trying hard to control his tears from falling down. He takes the paper on his hand and opens it. In the middle, lie the words he wants to hear, neatly written like Jaehyun had carefully written each letter like it meant the world to him.

I love you.

 

∞

 

Thursday morning, Jaehyun wakes up again at the sound of the nurse. He lets out a frustrated sigh as he missed the sun shining up and the other stuff he observes in the window, again. For the third time now. He looks at the bed at the far right and thinks of Mr. Doyoung. How he misses his early wake up calls although he usually shouts at him before for waking him up so early. He doesn’t think he will ever get to wake up that early anymore.

Feeling  groggy, he pulls himself up and heads to the cafeteria. Surprisingly, he only sees Jungwoo and Yukhei in the table. His milk as usual, has already been taken by Yukhei. Instead of sitting, he passes by them and looks around. When he sees no trace of Taeyong, he goes out to the garden. Still, there is no any trace of him there. Just the plants with purple flowers on it. So he comes back inside and starts to ask the nurses.

“Hey Yeri, good morning. Have you seen Taeyong?” he says.

Yeri greets him back but shakes his head. He proceeds to ask the other nurses until he has eventually asked every nurse there is in the ward but still get no answer. He pauses, sitting on his designated table. His food is left untouched. Something is wrong, he thinks. Something is really wrong. He stands up and proceeds to Taeyong’s room. Maybe he just overslept. He walks fast, big strides until he reaches Taeyong’s room and opens it up. There’s nothing there but empty beds. Frustrated, he kicks the door when he hears Taeyong’s voice. Without wasting time, he runs towards the direction of where he heard him and stops in a secluded room. He looks up at the sign and knows that this is usually the room where the nurses put a patient who misbehaves. He looks through the small window there is and sees Taeyong sitting alone and afraid on the floor.

“Taeyong!” he screams.

When Taeyong hears him, he runs to the door. “Jaehyun help! Please. Let me out.”

Jaehyun tries to twist the knob but it is locked. “Wait here.” he says.

He goes back to the cafeteria extremely mad, fist curled into a ball. When he sees the nurse named Yeri passes by him, he jumps on her and pins her to the floor. “You liar! All of you here only know how to lie! Where is the key?” he yells, his voice enveloped with rage.

The nurse who looks terrified just told him to calm down.

“No! Give me the key now or I swear I’ll hurt you.” he says.

The other patients already bothered by what’s happening, circles around them but do nothing. Oblivious of what chaos is currently happening. The other nurses arrive and try to stop Jaehyun but with how big he is, he easily pushes them away.

“Please! I don’t have the key. You have to calm down Jaehyun.” the nurse who is initially calm, is now crying in fear.

“Liar!” Jaehyun shouts.

“Jaehyun stop that! The key is with me.”

Jaehyun looks at the side and sees his doctor holding the key on his hand. He lets the nurse go and proceeds to grab the doctor by the collar. “You! Did you do this to him?” he yells, already crying. His tears can’t help but come out of his eyes. “Is it my mom? Did you tell my mom about him? Please!” he withdraws his grip on the doctor’s collar and falls into his knees. “Please.” he begs. “Leave him alone, doctor, please. I love him. I’ll do anything for you not to hurt him. Please.” he says, sobbing on his arms.

The doctor pulls him up and tries to calm him down by tracing his hand on his hair. “Shush Jaehyun. It’s okay. Let’s go to Taeyong. We’ll let him out.”

“You will?” he asks, his voice incoherent.

The doctor nods. “Yes Jaehyun. It was a mistake for him to be there.” he says.

Jaehyun believes him and grabs his hand, leading him to the room. “Thank you. He did not do anything wrong.” he says, as he tries to wipe his tears on the way.

“I know. Like I said, it’s a mistake for him to be there.” the doctor reassures.

When they arrive, the doctor takes the key and opens up the door. He pushes the door wide open and Taeyong comes out of it. Jaehyun takes him by his arms and hugs him tightly. “I’m sorry. This will never happen again.” he says.

Taeyong gives back the hug just as tight. “Thank you. I was so scared.”

The day ended with Jaehyun not letting go of Taeyong’s hand, panicking whenever he doesn’t see him just for a second.

 

∞

 

During the night, Jaehyun keeps on switching sides. He can’t seem to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday which means he will have to talk with his doctor again. Surely, he will ask him about what happened earlier. Honestly, he doesn’t know as well. It’s just that when he saw Taeyong alone and afraid in that room, his heart felt like it ripped apart he was ready to burn the whole building down. Of course now that he thinks of it again, he was at wrong. He needs to apologize to that nurse at once and gives his doctor an excuse for what happened or he might just lose Taeyong forever.

“Hey.”

Jaehyun flinches but calms down when he sees Taeyong besides him. “Hey. How did you get in?” he asks.

“It doesn’t matter. I came here to check you out. Are you okay?” Taeyong whispers.

Jaehyun pulls himself up. “I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Taeyong blushes, sitting at the edge of Jaehyun’s bed. “Me too.”

“Come here.” Jaehyun pulls Taeyong and wraps his arms around him. They stay like that for a couple of minutes, just admiring each other’s faces in the dim light and hearing each other’s breathing.

“I’m nervous for tomorrow.” Jaehyun breaks the silence.

“Why?” Taeyong asks.

“I don’t know. What if the doctor asks me about what happened? I don’t know what to say.” Jaehyun starts to play with Taeyong’s soft hair.

“What does your heart says?” Taeyong looks up to Jaehyun’s eyes.

Jaehyun just stares at him for a moment. “It says that I love you. And that I’ll do anything to keep you by my side.” he lets out a short laugh. “Is this how love feels? Is it possible to love someone this much?”

Taeyong pinches his nose. “Don’t say that. You’re making me blush so hard now.”

“But it’s true.” Jaehyun says. “Do you love me?”

Taeyong freezes for a while then reaches for Jaehyun’s lips giving him a quick kiss.

Jaehyun leans in for another kiss, taking Taeyong by surprise. He kisses him gently and softly, like he cared for him the most out of this world. He slowly nibbles on his lower lip, letting him know he doesn’t want anyone but him. He kisses him longer like he could never get enough of him. And he kisses him tenderly like his love for him, as tender as the night and as pure as the stars that surrounds it.

When Taeyong was about to leave, he gives Jaehyun a kiss on the forehead. “Listen to me. We can’t stay here for long anymore. Tomorrow, talk everything out with the doctor. Distract him as much as possible and take the key from him. We’ll escape by tomorrow evening.” he says.

"Okay. Jaehyun nods and holds Taeyong's hand. "You haven't answered me yet. Do you love me?"

Taeyong smiles at him. "Tomorrow."

 

∞

 

When the morning came, Jaehyun is fully prepared. He made sure that he is wearing pants that will completely hide the key if he ever succeeds in getting it from the doctor. He initially thought of the things he wants to say to the doctor the night before and practiced it earlier this morning. When the door opens, he greets the nurse with a smile. “I’m ready.”

Jaehyun sits on the couch, just usually how he does it. His back leaning on the edges and his head rested right on top. He gives the room a quick scan and finds the key just placed on top of the shelf. He immediately brainstorms on ways how to get it without the doctor noticing.

“Good morning, Jaehyun.”

“Good morning.” he says, smiling as brightly as he could.

“You seem to be in a good mood now, huh?” the doctor says.

Jaehyun’s eyes land on the books under the shelf and he knows exactly what to do. “Well yes. After what you did yesterday, I feel that I can trust you even more now.” He props himself in one elbow and slowly walks towards the shelf, acting like he is interested with the books.

“You can get one if you like.” the doctor says.

“Really? Then I’ll get this.” Jaehyun reaches for that one book he doesn’t even know what is all about. He just grabs it and act like he is very interested. He looks at the doctor and when he sees him pouring tea on the cup, he immediately grabs the key, putting it behind his pocket before the doctor even finishes. As soon as he sits back on the couch with the book on his hand, he gives the doctor a satisfied smile.

“Here, have some tea. You need it. We have a lot to talk about.” the doctor places the tea in front of Jaehyun.

“What do you want to talk about today, doctor?” Jaehyun starts.

The doctor gets his pen and twirls it. “I don’t know, Jaehyun. Is there something you want to share?”

Jaehyun takes a sip. The doctor seems to be weird to him today. “Nothing really.” he says.

The doctor gives a dry laugh. “You know just watching you today, you seem so eager to tell me things. And even so, I want to ask you why you still don’t trust me.”

Jaehyun takes another sip. “I don’t understand.”

The doctor pulls his chair closer to the table. “It’s okay. I’ll let you take the key. It’s yours. You can do whatever you want but I want you to stay here and answer my questions.”

Jaehyun remains frozen. He tracks back what happened and think of any moment the doctor noticed his true agenda but he can’t seem to see any. Now he wonders how the doctor found out. “I see.” he says, voice a little faint.

“It’s Taeyong, isn’t it? He told you to take the key. Are you planning to run away? Is that it?” the doctor asks.

Jaehyun smashes his hand on the table. “Don’t bring him here! It doesn’t matter who told who. I’ve always wanted to get out of here.”

The doctor chuckles. “Of course you do. I thought I’ve made it clear that Taeyong is a bad guy.”

Jaehyun’s eyes are glaring. “And I thought I’ve made it clear that he isn’t. Is that the reason why you locked him up in that room?”

The doctor shakes his head. “What do you love about him?”

“Stop this.” Jaehyun says.

“Just answer it. You know the drill.”

Jaehyun leans back on the couch thinking of the right words to say. It doesn’t matter anymore. The doctor knows what they’re doing and it might be impossible for them to leave tonight but maybe, just maybe, he could convince the doctor to just let them go. “I love everything about him.” he says.

“Tell me about it.” the doctor takes his pen and folder.

“I love his physical appearance. His face looks so sharp. His height is just enough. He looks at me like he wants me. He’s soft and gentle. He compliments me all the time. He tells me things that encourages me and makes me feel good about myself. He’s just so beautiful. I could go on forever.” Jaehyun says.

“You seem to adore him very much.” the doctor says.

“I do.”

“Does he always care for you?”

“Yes.”

“Does he always make you feel excited and happy?”

“Yes.”

“Did he ever hurt you?”

“God no!”

“Okay. Drink the tea, Jaehyun.” the doctor pours the tea until it fills until the brim.

Jaehyun complies.

“Is he always gentle with you?”

“Yes.”

“Does he always agree with you?”

“Yes.”

“Did he ever make you cry?”

“No.” Jaehyun pauses. “Not at least on purpose.”

The doctor nods and pulls out a small envelope in his drawer. He walks towards Jaehyun, places it in his hand and walks back to his seat.

“What is this?” Jaehyun asks.

“You asked me earlier if I locked Taeyong in the room.” the doctor says and Jaehyun nods. “I didn’t.”

Jaehyun snorts. “So who is it? Is it my mother? I told you not to tell her!” he yells.

“Is that what you think? That your mother did it?” the doctor asks.

“Of course she did. Who else hates me more than she does?” Jaehyun says, feeling a little suffocated already. “When will this end?”

“Until you tell me that you will no longer be staying with Taeyong.” the doctor says.

“What? No!” Jaehyun yells. “You can’t dictate me who I have to be with. You’re just my doctor.”

“Yes.” the doctor pauses. “And as your doctor I’m telling you this. He is not good for you.”

“No! He cares for me the most and I care for him the most too.” Jaehyun says.

“Then tell me, why you locked him up in that room.” the doctor asks.

“What? No! I didn’t. What are you talking about?” Jaehyun asks, momentarily confused.

“Just like what I meant. He is not good for you Jaehyun.”

“Stop saying that. Say that again and I will not answer you anymore.” Jaehyun threatens.

“I will and will always say that until you realize it. He’s not good for you Jaehyun. He’s not even real. He is just a pigment of your imagination. You just created him in your head!” the doctor says.

Jaehyun freezes, not exactly comprehending what his doctor just told him.

“Open up the envelope, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun grasps the envelope, hands shaking and tears falling. He nervously rips the envelope open and he sees a picture. He recognizes it. Tuesday morning when the doctor took a picture of him and Taeyong for the bulletin board. He puts his hand on his mouth in disbelief. There he was in the picture, one arm wrapping around what seems to be a person except that there was no one there. Just him alone. He drops the picture on the floor and shakes his head multiple times. “No. No. No. That can’t be true. None of this is true!” He flips the table in front of him and falls on the floor, feeling weak. “I don’t understand, doctor. I don’t understand.” he cries.

The doctor comes to him and pulls him up, letting him sink on the couch. “It’s okay, young boy. It’s okay. I know it’s hard to believe.”

Jaehyun pushes him away. “No! This can’t be true. He’s real. I can see him. I can touch him when I pull him for an embrace. I can feel him when I lean over to kiss him. You can’t just tell me he isn’t true.” he cries, voice is hoarse.

The doctor takes a deep sigh. “Jaehyun, you’ve been here for over a year now and for most of it, you had Taeyong with you. Listen to me, the way you describe him, the way you talk about him. It’s the complete opposite of your father. Your father whom you tried to forget so hard in your first weeks here that you created Taeyong. Your father who molested you and abused you. Your father, who is the sole reason that you’re here.”

Jaehyun feels his body weaken, his breathing getting short.

“You think your mother hates you but she doesn’t. She visits here every day asking about your development. Somehow, you just think she hates you because you think she thinks you took away her husband. You took away her life from her. But no Jaehyun, your mother loves you for who you are. She deeply cares about you.”

The more Jaehyun listens, the more he finds it hard to breathe.

“Taeyong, he is someone who is keeping you away from your reality. You’re making him your escape. Jaehyun we’ve been prepping you up just for this moment. Just for this very moment and I know it’s very hard but you have to fight yourself. That’s the only way you’ll liberate yourself from him. That’s the only way you’ll get better. He’s not good for you. He’s just a reflection of everything that you want for yourself. He is not real. You have to keep that in mind. That’s the only way you’ll move on from this.” the doctor says.

Jaehyun's mind wanders to his memories with Taeyong and the moer he does, the more it made sense. It makes sense why every time he gives him his orange juice, it shatters on the ground. It makes sense that Yukhei doesn't take his milk. It makes sense that the nurses do not seem to talk with him at all. It makes sense that now that he thinks of it, he can't remember any memory of him with other people. It makes sense that Taeyong seems to be perfect in so many ways justt like the way he wanted him to be and that he always feels that he knows everything about him. Because he created him.

Jaehyun’s vision gets blurry and before he knows it, he blacks out.

 

∞

 

When Jaehyun wakes up, he is already in his room, well rested because when he stands up, he feels his full energy back in his body. He thinks of what happened earlier and his heart cries in pain. This couldn’t have possibly happened to him. Why him of all people?

“Hey.”

Jaehyun turns around, afraid that when he sees Taeyong, he will just break down. He looks at him and he stays the same Taeyong he knows. The same Taeyong he wants him to be. He just can't believe that he is not real. That he's just imagining him, even up to this point.

“Did you get it? The key?” Taeyong asks and Jaehyun nods, taking out the key in his pocket.

“Good. Here take this." Taeyong reaches for Jaehyun's hand and places a paper folded into half in his palm.

Jaehyun briefly stares at it before deciding to open. In there, neatly written, like exactly the way he likes it to be,

 

Yes, I love you

 

And Jaehyun wonders how big of a state of insanity is he in. Because this letter, this writing, these feelings, they all feel so real. When he looks in Taeyong's eyes, he could feel him, he could feel his love, he could feel his breath and it's all too good. But then maybe that's what also give it away, it's all too good to be true. When he feels his tears falling, he it up. Because when he looks at Taeyong like this, he's just so happy. He can't possibly ruin that smile of him. He can't possibly ruin this night for them.

“Hey Taeyong. Come here. Hold my hand.” he says, thinking it will not be that bad if he plays pretend for the last time. Because tonight, that is only the last thing that is left of them. To pretend.

Taeyong looks at him, suddenly concerned. He moves closer to Jaehyun and holds his hand tight. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” he asks.

Jaehyun sniffs, trying to smile and wipe his tears away. “Nothing. It’s just that… just when I think of it, tonight will be our last night here together. After tonight, everything will change.”

Taeyong moves in front of him and grips of his hands. “I know. Don’t worry. I will never leave your side.” Taeyong wipes away the tears in Jaehyun’s eyes. “I will be here in every step you take.”

Jaehyun nods, giving a laugh he doesn’t know where he’s getting from. “I know. And I want to thank you for that. For most of my time here, you made it extraordinary. Nothing changed about that. You will always be the Taeyong that I’ve loved the most. And I still think no one could ever be as lovely as you do.”

Jaehyun pulls Taeyong closer and kisses him deeply. He kisses him for the last time. If he could turn back time, he would rather not have learned the truth. He would rather stay insane, if that would mean he could keep Taeyong by his side.

As they walk towards the entrance, Jaehyun keeps his hand intertwined with Taeyong. He tells him to walk slowly. That they have all the night just for themselves. That everything’s going to be alright tonight. He thinks of the time Taeyong would show up and just embrace him tight. Those are the times when he feels extremely lonely. Now he understands why Taeyong usually shows up whenever he is feeling down. If to the other people, he is insanity, to him, Taeyong is his clarity.

When they reach the doors, Jaehyun slowly opens it up. Taeyong happily pushes the door open and smells the air that comes from the freedom of the outside world. Jaehyun grabs him by the hand and embraces him for the last time. “Step out first. I want to see you being happy outside.”

Taeyong nods and happily skips outside. When he reaches his stand, he looks back at Jaehyun and opens up his arms widely, inviting for him to come too. Jaehyun smiles at him, happy that Taeyong seems to be going to be just fine without him. He holds the door handle and closes it. He watches in the glass as Taeyong’s face shows confusion but he remains standing in the position where Jaehyun wants him to be.

Jaehyun lets out a huge sigh, his tears that he has been holding since he met Taeyong tonight, finally flows out to his cheeks. He knows that after he turns his back against him, he will leave his heart at this door. And if this is their last night, he wants to remember their love like this. Their love that never happened but was the realest Jaehyun had felt.

Jaehyun smiles at Taeyong for the last time. He locks the door and whispers to himself,

“Taeyong, I love you a lot but all I ask is if you love me too, please never come back.”