Gift for everyone

Gift from ????

Title of the gift: All that was left

Pairing: 2jae

How many words: 5726

Rating: for everyone (I don't know the term, sorry)

Warnings: No warnings I guess - maybe hint of death?

Note to my giftee: I'm sorry, this is absolutely not one of my best works - I was too busy but still wanted to write something good and ended up with this .. mediocre thing and I really really hope you can enjoy it ;;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All that was left

"Let's go to that party" they had said.
"It will be fun".
Jaebum sighed silently, a hand massaging his temples as his eyes scanned the place again and again, trying to recognize familiar faces. It was December already but Kihyun and Minhyuk had invited the whole group to their delayed birthday party since they hadn't had any time to celebrate in November. Outside it was freezing and the night had already fallen, taking away the lights of the houses and leaving only a carpet of lonely stars in the dark sky. He knew Monsta x had lots of friends but he had expected something more .. intimate? Instead, he was met by more than thirty people when he arrived at the location. He wasn't exactly the type to love that kind of party. He preferred quiet evenings - TV, a book, the company of a few but good ones. But at that moment he found himself in the exact opposite of his boring world: music, alcohol, people dancing and screaming, unknown faces in every direction he turned. He felt quite lost. At least his companions wouldn't have left him there, alone in a place where he could only feel uncomfortable, right?
... right?
Turning around to check if they were all still there, he was met by Jinyoung's sympathetic gaze. What about the others? He didn't even have to part his lips to ask him that the younger nodded his head, pointing to a group of people leaving in a hurry, excited, bouncing around like kids. Seriously? Were they all leaving him like that? Even Youngjae? He snorted annoyed and made his way inside the huge mansion too, by Jinyoung's side. Might as well drink something if he had to spend the whole night there. So, after greeting the birthday boys who were in the middle of the hall, he went to the kitchen where a couple of waiters were serving drinks with a smile. He took one and started sipping it, slowly. It was pretty good - he had to admit it. He wasn't really a big fan of cocktails or alcohol in general (he only liked beer and soju) but every now and then it was good to try something different. What was that? A Negroni? It was a little bitter and really strong but he didn't mind it. It's not like he would have exaggerated. At least he thought so, at the beginning of the night. But after a while Jinyoung came back with two glasses and offered him one and again, Wonho did the same and he found himself drinking and drinking so many he lost the count.
"Where's Youngjae?" he murmured, his lips slightly kneaded because of what he had ingested. He didn't even wait for a real answer as he glimpsed said person not far away, in the middle of the dance floor, and took a few steps towards him with a slight smile on his face. As if he had called him, Youngjae seemed to notice him and with a shy smile, he motioned for him to come closer. And so Jaebum did.
He wasn't drunk - not yet. But he felt thrilled, he felt risky. He wanted to have fun and enjoy the night now that he finally was in the mood. He wanted to dance, to scream, to free himself from all the stress he had on lately, from all the work and the tiredeness he felt. And he wanted to do it with Youngjae. They weren't together, they weren't dating - but there was something going on between them. He didn't know how to define what he felt, there were no suitable words or terms and, honestly, he didn't even want to give it a definition. He didn't care. He just wanted to enjoy that mutual feeling they discovered they had for each other a couple of months ago. A stolen kiss, a hidden caress. They had spent several nights in the same bed, whispering things, stargazing, counting the moles on the pale body of the youngest. Between laughters and a smile more expressive than a thousand words. Jaebum could say he had lost his mind for his friend. Mind and heart, since the latter did not stop accelerating whenever they were together or even exchanged a simple look in silence. He loved that feeling, he loved spending time with the younger one. Maybe he loved him - but what did it really mean to love someone? He had no idea and only time would have given him the answer.
Right now, he just wanted to spend that evening with him. His mind slightly blurred, his eyes half-closed, his pace not entirely stable.
"Hey, babe. Enjoying yourself?" he asked, a smug grin on his face as he got closer and closer to his bandmate. Youngjae looked surprised at first and he glanced around nervously, not really knowing how to respond to that. But then he returned the smile and nodded a few times, feeling his ears becoming redder and redder as seconds passed by. They never interacted like that in public - for obvious reasons - but he had a real weakness for a straightforward Jaebum. The older would never show him any kind of affection when they were with other people and he never really understood if it was because of their status or if it was because there was really nothing important between them. Being a guy full of complexes and paranoia, he always thought it was the latter. But he tried to be cool about it and feign that he didn't really mind.
"Let's go have some more fun" the leader added, still smirking as he got closer to Youngjae's ear. And after planting a quick kiss on its lobe, he whispered a low "I know you want it too".
Youngjae shivered, the older's breath caressed his skin, leaving him breathless for a few seconds. Jaebum was too close. He wouldn't have minded in another place but they were in the middle of the living room and they had to be super careful. They couldn't risk being seen together like that: even the other members didn't know anything about their relationship (although they both suspected that Jinyoung and Mark may have already understood it since they weren't blind nor stupid). It's not that he didn't like it, god, no. Jaebum was being such a tease. But he had to remain calm and act rationally. Many guys were taking pictures or shooting videos, maybe for instagran, maybe for snapchat, so what if someone unintentionally had taken a photo of them? If someone had noticed their "weird" behaviour? So he forced himself to place a hand on his chest and push him away.
"Hyung? Are you drunk?"
"Just a little". Jaebum's head was spinning wildly but he felt more alive than ever. He should have been nervous, he should have checked if anyone was looking at them. He was Got7's leader, he had to be the responsible one, the reliable one but .. he was also the weakest one when it came to alcohol. Without thinking about it twice, he reached for the younger's waist and pulled him closer but again, Youngjae tried to push him away immediately.
"What are you doing? There's people here.."
"Come on Youngjae-ah. Don't be such a . Let's go have some fun".
The younger one sighed loudly. He knew the other was drunk so there was no use to try and reason with him. But he would never have gotten used to his vocabulary: whenever he was angry or tired or, indeed, drunk, Jaebum would start getting scurrilous, using curse words and whatever. Especially with him. He paid no attention to the words that slipped through his lips - words that sometimes could harm the others. So Youngjae held back any type of responses and nodded a few times resigned.
"Yeah, yeah, let's go" he agreed - although obviously he wasn't going to do anything except making him rest until he felt more sober and regained all of his consciousness - because clearly he wasn't himself right now.
Grabbing his hand with that everlasting smug grin, he started to walk away quickly, dragging the younger with him. "Come with me", he added a few moments later, without ever turning back. He didn't care if he was seen at that moment, his head had started to turn whirling relentlessly and the flight of stairs in front of which he had found himself seemed endless. But the idea of closing himself in a small room with Youngjae, the idea of hearing his voice, the idea of making him go crazy in a place other than their usual boring bedroom was giving him the head. Youngjae didn't even reply as he followed the other's footsteps, although he felt wobbly - he had a few drinks himself but he was pretty tolerant. Soon they found themeselves in one of the bathrooms and without even waiting for the door to be closed completely, Jaebum did not miss the opportunity to throw himself on the younger's lips. Youngjae loved a dominant Jaebum - and a drunk Jaebum was even more rough and hot so it really was hard to resist but he had to. There were many things wrong with whatever they were doing: acting like that in a place full of unknown faces, risking their careers, ignoring their friends who were probably looking for them and the list went on. So as soon as Jaebum got closer to his lips, hands wandering on his body, the younger pushed him away for the third time - this time a little harder.
"Hyung. You're not yourself. You should.." he didn't really know what to say to make the other actually sit down for a while. "..uhm, rest a little. People may come in".
The leader rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "Just lock the door" he added a few seconds later, again, getting dangerously close to him and this time Youngjae couldn't avoid his lips. He couldn't do anything but be guided by him while clumsy and restless hands started ing his shirt. He almost gave in as his heart started beating faster and faster in his chest until he heard some noises on the other side of the door and suddenly panicked.
"Jaebum-ah! Seriously.. I don't feel like doing it. Stop it!"
His natural loud voice sounded even more authoritarian at that moment and he successfully stopped the older from going further. After a couple of seconds of silence, in which Jaebum backed away glaring at him, he murmured a low "so annoying". And with that, he opened the door, ready to leave. Again, he never thought of the words leaving his mouth, he never thought about how much they could hurt.
With a hand on the doorknob and the other running through his greyish hair, Jaebum made a few steps forward but suddenly lost balance and wobbled a little. He closed his eyes and breathed out deeply. It took him a couple of seconds to regain consciousness since his mind was so dizzy.
"Hyung? Are you ok?" Youngjae immediately reached for him to help him out, worried. "We should go home, you look pale".
" off" he answered, pissed - and left immediately after.

Minutes passed by and Youngjae stood there, in the middle of the bathroom with lost eyes, confused, frozen. And somehow, hurt. Minutes passed by and Jaebum was nowhere to be seen. But what did he expect? Of course Jaebum would leave him alone - why would he waste his time with someone like him anyway? Yes, he was drunk so Youngjae really wanted to forgive his behaviour - but it wasn't easy. It wasn't the first time and probably the last neither. But although he was hurt, he still was worried about him. Jaebum rarely drank in public because everyone knew how weak he was to alcool - what if he did something stupid? What if he felt sick? What if he threw up in front of everyone? He sighed out loudly and looked around the place, not focusing on anything in particular. Just to pass time since he clearly wasn't in the mood of partying anymore. He didn't even want to go back to the others, he didn't want to face the leader, he just wanted to go home. But he couldn't, not alone, not without telling the others - and not without Jaebum. He decided to go look for him to apologize and to bring him home before he did anything else.

He first checked the other bathroom, downstairs (barging in when a couple was trying to have some fun and it was super embarassing - he had to excuse himself a thousand times before closing the door behind his back). He then checked the kitchen and the living room and as soon as he came across Jackson, he asked him about the older's whereabouts.
"Oh, yeah. He was going upstairs. But I wouldn't bother him, if I were you" the last part was whispered and Youngjae gave him a confused look. Why shouldn't he bother him? Was he going to rest? Was he going to sleep? His heart seemed to stop for a few seconds. Exactly what did he mean?
"You're too young to understand" the rapper added, laughing out loud and giving him a pat on his head. But Youngjae wasn't amused, not one bit. What did he mean? He felt impatient, he wanted to ask what was he talking about while his eyes frantically looked around the room, hoping to spot that greyish head somewhere, but again he was interrupted by Jackson. "Come on, I'm joking. I know you're a grownass man, Youngjae. But still, leave him be. Let him have some fun" and with a wink, Jackson trotted away.
Youngjae was even more confused now. His heart started racing, almost bursting in a cage that seemed to get smaller and smaller as seconds passed by. Let him have some fun? With whom? Wasn't he alone? What was going on? His legs almost gave away, his pace was unstable but he didn't care as he quickly went up the stairs and looked around once again, opening every door he came across. It didn't take long for him to hear a girl's giggle echoing in the hallway. He didn't know why but he felt like Jaebum could be the reason for that laugh - something like a sixth sense. So he turned the corner and right down the hall, there was a beautiful girl in the shortest dress he'd ever seen. She was giggling while coming out of a bedroom, trying to slip in her high heels. His heart seemed to stop for a few seconds and, while the girl passed by his side to probably go to her friends, brushing against his shoulder, Youngjae remained staring at the door for minutes that seemed to last forever. He took a deep breath and slowly stepped towards the door, shaking his head in disbelief as if to self-convince that no, Jaebum had nothing to do with it. Vainly.
As soon as the door opened, although only a few centimetres wide, he immediately recognized the silhouette of the older lying on the sheets of the bedroom, no shirt on and ed jeans. He let out a bitter chuckle before shaking his head in disappointment. What did he expect? They were nothing. Jaebum wasn't gay to begin with - right? He had tried to sleep with a guy out of curiosity and he had liked it, but that was all - right? There were no feelings behind the pleasure. They had fought so many times over that: Youngjae felt insecure, he felt like Jaebum could find someone better, that he could leave him at any moment. And the older had repeated it so many times that he would never get sick of him, he would never replace him with "some girl". It was all words, when it came to him. He didn't mean any of it since he clearly liked ing around with said "some girl" he didn't even know - no doubt about it. He felt his chest tighten a bit and his stomach turn all around. What was that feeling? Why did it hurt so much to see it when he had already known it from the beginning? It was his fault anyway, Jaebum had never said it was something serious. He should have known better - falling in love with a straight guy was never a good idea in the first place. He didn't say anything for a while. He just stood there, a couple of meters away from the bed, looking down at his own feet. His mind started to travel and so many thoughts he kept at the back of his head resurfaced after who knows how long. He couldn't know what happened everytime he wasn't there. Jaebum was very persuasive and charismatic and he knew his way around - Youngjae couldn't trust him. And even if he did trust him.. there was no future anyway. It was hard for idols to date - and it would have been even harder for the two of them, being of the same and in the same group. It was useless to keep seeing each other like that, right? The vocalist sighed once again. He decided that it was time to end it - Jaebum wouldn't have minded it anyway. He only had to find the courage to tell him, one of those days. But how? When? What about the group? Would things change?
He sat down at the foot of the bed as his eyes glided over the still sleeping leader. He would have loved to go home, relax, turn off his brain for a few hours. But he certainly couldn't leave the other in that state, half , drunk, asleep with the risk of waking up and doing some other nonsense . So he tried to cover him up - it was harder than he had expected - and called the other members for help. Luckily, Yugyeom and Jinyoung were nearby and immediately came to his rescue.
"We'll take a cab, I'll get him home hyung. It's ok, you can stay a little longer" Youngjae smiled to reassure them - it was the fakest smile he had ever shown but somehow it worked out and they all agreed. And since it was late, he decided to remain at the dorm that night (to keep an eye on the older too) - they still had a spare room and a few spare blankets.
It wasn't easy to bring Jaebum to the dorm. He was awake but not really answering any question nor supporting his own weight. It took him almost an hour to get him there but eventually he was able to lie himself on a mattress too. Obviously it was also hard to fall asleep - hours passed by and he didn't even close one eyelid. Disappointment soon became anger and many bad words passed through his mind but he took deep breathes and tried to stay calm. He didn't care - that's what he tried to repeat to himself at least a hundred times. Jaebum could do whatever he wanted to, it wasn't his business after all. They never were more than friends, all this time he had just misunderstood the other's actions, it was his fault. But apart from his feelings.. what the hell was his problem? How could he get drunk in front of so many people? They were idols, they weren't allowed to give so much show in public, they weren't allowed to get drunk, to hook up with strangers. What if someone saw them? Recorded them? Took pictures? What if someone talked? They would be in so much trouble. He was their leader, he should have been the responsible one.

Being unable to fall asleep, he decided to pay a visit to his leader: Jaebum was lying on his stomach, closed eyelids and messy greyish hair that covered his whole forehead. Youngjae's heart jumped at the view. He laid down by his side and kept quiet, observing his features, his sharp jawline, his straight nose, those thin lines that resembled half moons. He instinctively stretched his hand out to that disheveled hair and fixed it a little bit, trying to be as stealthy as possible. How the hell was he going to end things with him? How was he supposed to act tough when his legs felt so weak and his heart raced that fast? But he was so mad, Jaebum had betrayed his trust and who knows how many times he would have done it again. And what if he had done it before too? He didn't even know how nor when, but after endless hours, he managed to fall asleep - still standing by the older's side.

It was probably three in the afternoon when he finally managed to open his eyes. Half of the sun was hidden by the clouds that covered the sky but somehow its rays entered the room through the holes in the shutters and caressed his skin in the warmest way. Youngjae opened his eyes slowly, still tired and dizzy from the long sleep he had. And as soon as he did so, he found an intense pair of eyes staring at him - but in a nice way. He almost jumped down the bed, shaken by such an awakening.
"Good morning, Youngjae-ah" Jaebum said with a shy smile and winked at him. "Although it's not morning anymore".
"Uhm.. I guess.." he murmured, mouth still kneaded by sleep while he was trying to wake up completely in order to get up and go away. His head ached and he felt sick. He wasn't ready to face certain speeches, not in those conditions, not without warning. He had to delay it for a while.
"Hyung, uh, isn't it late? Why didn't you wake me up.."
"It's ok, today we can rest for a bit".
"Uh.. ok.. where are the others? I, uhm, need to talk to Jackson hyung".
"I don't know, they've been out for a while now. Why? Don't you want to stay here?" Jaebum asked, arching his brows and giving him another smile. He didn't look hangover at all. He had probably washed up and had something to drink or eat, because he looked real fine and clean. "With me?" he added after a few seconds, coming closer to the younger one to try and cuddle with him a little. Youngjae's heart started racing once again as he panicked at that sudden show of affection. Why was he acting like this? It almost seemed like he was still dreaming - yet he was awake, now more than ever. He gulped and got up immediately, avoiding the other's inviting arms.
"Hyung, you're acting weird".
"Weird?"
"I.. I don't know, like you actually want me to stay here. You never do". Jaebum let out a a little laughter and shrugged.
"Because I do want you here. Yesterday we didn't spend much time together, so.."
"Yeah, I wonder why" Youngjae whispered to himself. Didn't he remember anything about the previous night? Was he acting cute because he knew what was going to happen between them? Was he feigning everything? As he always did? Youngjae had started to get paranoid about every little thing.
"Hm? Come on, Jae-ah. Come here" he whined, patting part of the sheet right by his side, so he could have the younger against his own body.
"Jaebum hyung?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, really. Just.. uh, I've been thinking. We should end this ..thing. Whatever it is, you know, between us. It got boring after a while so.. yeah. We're cool, right hyung?" he tried to smile - this one too, one of the fakest smile he had ever shown to anyone - and started going towards the door to leave the room. He didn't know why he had added the "boring" part, he just felt like hurting Jaebum a little since the older never cared about how much he had hurt him too. Jaebum stood still, confused. He didn't even know how to react - he had expected anything but that. Why so suddenly? Did something happen? Did he do something bad? Was it something he had said? A full minute of silence passed by - a minute in which Youngjae could have easily headed to the other room but he didn't. He somehow hoped that Jaebum would stop him, say something to him or even grab his arm. And Jaebum wanted to do so, he wanted to yell at him and ask why and refuse that decision that the younger had taken all by himself. He didn't want to end things, he didn't want to be with someone else. Youngjae was the only one he felt something for. Why did it have to end? But pride is a bad beast and not wanting to show his weaknesses had always been his worst flaw. Jaebum never suffers, Jaebum never cries, Jaebum is never hurt by others. His initial plan was to spend the whole day with the other singer. Apologize for the previous night - that morning he had spoken to Jackson, he heard the things he had done and was ashamed to death. He had to ask for forgiveness, he had to do something. He felt bad about hurting Youngjae. If he had been sober, he would have never acted that way, he would have never touched any other girl or boy. He was the only one for him, every day it was full only of him, of his smile, of his voice. He couldn't imagine himself with anyone else by his side. But hearing those words changed everything. He should have apologized, he should have got down on his knees and begged him not to leave, he should have said "I will never do that again, I will never touch a drop of alcohol again", "I will never look at anyone else". But none of this happened. On the contrary, he shrugged and nodded a couple of times.
"Yeah, fine with me. It really got boring after a while. So.. friends like before?"
Youngjae gulped. His back turned towards the older so that he couldn't see the look on his face. Obviously it was ok with him. What did he expect? Jaebum never cared, he would never. He tried to suppress the need to cry, his throat felt dry and his eyes had begun to burn. "Cool". He took a deep breath and took a few more steps toward the door. "Yeah, great" and with that, he left the room. And not only that: he also left the apartment - probably to go home to his brother. Or so Jaebum thought when he heard the main door slam shut.
He sighed loudly and started to massage his temples. Why was it so hard to be sincere? Why was he such a coward? Why wasn't he able to admit his feelings? To confess? To tell everything he felt even though words would have never been enough to explain it?

Hours passed by, the guys came back from a shopping day and everything seemed normal. Just like any other day. They ate together, they watched tv, they talked and laughed (and Jackson kept teasing him about that girl - while Jinyoung kept giving him disapproving looks). He really didn't remember much, but he knew he had done nothing with her. Maybe just make out, but he was too dizzy to keep going and he had laid down to rest. That was all he could think of. Nothing else should have happened. He sighed and decided to spend the rest of the evening in his room, all on his own, tormenting himself about the things he had said to his fellow vocalist. He decided to call him and explain himself - he had to. He didn't want things to change between them, he didn't want to risk everything they had built together. Youngjae was too important for some girl to ruin their relationship.
He dialed the number and waited. And waited. And nobody answered. He kept trying for a while but maybe he didn't want to talk to him. It made sense - he probably wanted some space since he had just broken up with him. He decided to send him a message, telling him that it was urgent. That he had to answer. But after more than a hour, still no response.
"What the , Youngjae" he sighed, exasperated. "Where are you".
The only thing that was left for him to do, was to call his brother, ask him about the younger's whereabouts, tell him that they needed to talk. He was ready to beg, to swear on his life. He just needed to explain what he felt, he didn't want to wait anymore.
"Hyung? It's Jaebum. Are you with Youngjae?"
"No, he's not here. I thought he was with you?"
Jaebum frowned, confused. What did he mean by "with you"? Where had he gone if not at home with his brother?
The phone call didn't last more than ten minutes, during which the singer asked where the youngest could have gone, if he knew of any places he often frequented or something like that. Both of them were quite worried, but his brother told him to keep calm because it wasn't the first time Youngjae had vanished without warning. It was routine, it had happened quite a few times already. Jaebum sighed out loud and thanked him, before hanging up the phone.
"Damn it, just answer your phone" he yelled, trying for the thousandth time to call him - but still, silence reigned in the room. He didn't know how many hours had passed by now, but he had started to get very scared and his heart felt heavy and his stomach was twirling all around. He didn't have a good feeling about that whole situation. Where could have he gone? Why didn't he want to talk to him if he had been the one to end their relationship? Was he hurt? Wasn't he feeling well?
He didn't have time to ask himself any more questions (that would never receive an answer) that he heard knocking on the door of his room. Distractedly, he looked up just enough to meet Jinyoung's eyes - reddened and wide open eyes, as if he had been shocked for some absurd reason. Jaebum frowned once again and immediately got up, worried. "What's wrong?" he asked, confused.
Jinyoung seemed to have difficulty opening his mouth, his hands were shaky and his nose dripped slightly. After a few seconds of hesitation, he began to murmur a few words. "They found him... they found Youngjae" - his voice got smaller as he talked, and he adverted the older's gaze.
If they had found him, why wasn't he happy? Why was Jinyoung so weird and shaky and shocked? Jaebum didn't say anything, he just waited for the other to finish whatever he had to say. It took him a couple of minutes, but in the end the younger opened his mouth once again.
"He.. he's not ok, hyung".
"What happened".
"Youngjae's.. he wasn't paying attention and he just.. in the street and.. then he.. Jaebum-ah.. he's d"

His heart stopped beating and he opened his eyes.
His breath was short, cold sweat dripped on his forehead, his chest rose and fell with an unstable rhythm. Everything around him was pitch black.
A single tear slowly rolled on his cheeks, until it met his rosy lips and suddenly its salty taste got mixed with the bitterness he had in his mouth.
It took him a few minutes to calm himself down. Was that a dream? Or better, a nightmare? It was all fake, was it? A few deep breaths, and finally he was able to think straight once again. His head ached, he felt like . He smelled like - was it the alcohol?
A hand reached out for his phone and in a matter of seconds, the screen lit up showing the time and date. It was 6am, the morning after the party. So it really was a nightmare. A long sigh of relief escaped his lips. What the was all that about? Why would he dream something so ed up?
Without thinking about it twice, he got up and exited his bedroom only to reach Youngjae's old room - hoping that the younger one had decided to stay at the dorm rather than return home alone at that time of night.
Luckily, the other was really there. Asleep, on his side, with his hair covering his face and lips forming an adorable grimace. Jaebum smiled to himself, enjoying the view for a while before actually getting closer to the matress. He sat by the younger's side and slowly started caressing his hair, in silence. He could never let anything happen to him, he would never forgive himself if he actually did. He was wrong at the party. He had been a real - but he would have apologized. Yes, as soon as Youngjae woke up, he wouldn't have wasted any more time. He deserved to know, he deserved to have certainties, to feel loved, to be pampered. And Jaebum would have no longer denied him any of this. He was going to tell him everything, make him understand how he felt about him and how sorry he was for everything he had ever done that might have hurt him. He couldn't risk having him taken away before he could tell him "I love you."
With a smile on his lips and eyes still busy scrutinizing the object of his desires, he lay by his side. An arm wrapped around him to hold him as close as possible to himself while his lips placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
"I love you" he whispered against his skin, knowing that he wouldn't hear anything since Youngjae was still in a deep sleep but the emotion was so much that he could hardly contain himself.
Now all that was left, was to wait for his answer.