It was 8pm on a cold Monday night when Renjun found himself sitting on his bed cross-legged with his laptop in front of him, the only source of light coming from the screen as he focused his eyes on the empty document, waiting for him to type something, anything. He’s been staring at it for some time now, not really doing anything other than breathing in and out. Loneliness, that was the chosen topic for the essay his class was tasked to do and submit tomorrow morning. The feeling wasn’t foreign to him per se, seeing as he was often lonely (because his family was in China and he’s staying in Korea to study) but he was never good at expressing his feelings through words, he had always preferred to draw or paint his feelings away. Too bad he’s not allowed to do that. Tonight too, he felt lonely because his roommate and bestfriend, Chenle, was out having fun with their youngest bestfriend Jisung after being apart for a month because Chenle visited his family in China. That wasn’t the type of loneliness Renjun wanted to write about though, true he may be at essays but he at least wanted to pour his heart onto the document, each word sincere even if their professor could care less about it. With a sigh, he decided to take a break (his eyes were practically begging him to do just that) and grabbed his phone from the bedside table, unlocking it as he leaned his back on the headboard with ease. He scrolled through his SNS accounts, stopping for a second to like a post or comment on how ridiculous Chenle looked at the photo Jisung just tweeted, Renjun smiled, he wished he was out having fun too.

         Scrolling past other tweets without batting an eyelash, Renjun was forced to stop when his eyes landed on one particular tweet, more specifically, the photo Donghyuck tweeted. It was a photo of his bestfriends Donghyuck, Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Jisung, taken when they were younger. The five of them wore smiles that made Renjun smile himself, the photo made him feel warm even though he had no memories with them during that time because he hadn’t met them yet. The photo had the driest caption Renjun had ever read, “Kids,” it read. Renjun was happy seeing that photo but something inside him, in his mind, he felt cold. When he looked at the photo again, he couldn’t help but let out a bitter smile. He wasn’t there, was never there in the first place. That made him feel lonely. Damn that essay for reminding him how lonely he was.

        He met his friends when they were only 14, that was four years ago, but his friends knew each other way before that. Renjun never felt left out when they spend time with each other but during times like this, when Renjun’s left with his own thoughts, he felt it. He felt like an outsider. Renjun knew he was basically trying to hurt himself when he went to Donghyuck’s account and clicked on the thread the boy had especially made for throwback photos but Renjun couldn’t stop himself. Was it the darkness of the room that suited how he felt? The lack of noise? The cold air hitting his skin? Suddenly all he felt was loneliness and instead of getting rid of it, he decided to drown in it, he blames the essay’s topic for that. Numerous pictures of his friends clouded his eyes, all pictures without him because the pictures with him were on another thread, he smiles a bit at the thought that Donghyuck also had a thread with Renjun in it. His friends looked the same, only their heights changed, they have always looked cute.  

        Renjun felt bad for himself. His friends could easily pass as brothers, growing up together, going to the same school, reaching their dreams hand in hand, Renjun would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous of their bond. There were times when his friends would talk about a time in their childhood and Renjun would just listen with a fond smile on his lips, he doesn’t feel like doing that right now though. Renjun felt like he ruined their routine, like he was an unnecessary baggage, in other words: Renjun felt like . He would hear stories about how it would always be Donghyuck, Jeno, and Jaemin together while Mark played with Jisung. He heard stories about how Mark would sleep at Donghyuck’s house ‘just because he felt like it’ and to rant about how school , how Jeno and Jaemin would crash into Jisung’s room to play video games all night. Now, Mark would still stick with the youngest (with Chenle in tow) but with the other three, let’s just say Renjun would sometimes steals either one of the three of them unknowingly. Sometimes, he would steal Donghyuck so that the boy could accompany him to the record store, sometimes he would steal Jeno to ask the boy for criticism on his painting, and sometimes Jaemin to laze around at a coffee shop. Yes he does spend time with all of them as a group but still, Renjun felt like he was breaking them apart in some way. How could he explain it? Like he said, he expressed himself better using art. Whenever they spend time together as a group, the usual Jisung-Mark-Donghyuck-Jeno-Jaemin order of sitting would be rearranged because Renjun would sit between them. He knew his worries were so low but as someone who likes to respect routine and stick to it, he thinks he’s ruining something just by sitting there. Just by existing.

        Renjun doesn’t know how long he thought about how much of an outsider he was but the next thing he knew, his phone was vibrating in his hand and Jaemin’s face filled his screen. Without missing a beat, Renjun answers the call with a chirpy voice, as if he wasn’t just drowning in self-pity and guilt a minute ago. “INJUN!” came Jaemin’s voice, loud and cheery as usual and that made Renjun smile a bit, hearing his friend’s voice always made him feel better. Renjun simply hummed, safely placing his laptop on the bedside table before he could knock it off the bed with his sore feet. “Wanna grab snacks with us?” Renjun pushed his phone away from his ear a bit to look at the time, they want to hang out at this time of the night? Sure it’s still a bit early but Renjun was known to be the type to settle in when the clock hits 7pm. “It’s 9pm Nana, it’s too late to go out,” he answered, mindlessly playing with the hem of his sweater. “We’re not going out, we’re crashing your room and yes it is too late because we’re standing right in front of your door, open up.” With that, Jaemin hangs up, leaving a dumbfounded Renjun grunting. Of course they would pull this trick again, typical, Renjun should get used to it by now. Now that his mini pity party go cut short, he really doesn’t have a choice but to open the door to his room, which he did but he hoped he didn’t because now Jeno’s all over his personal space with panicked eyes and the other two are no different.

        “What?” Renjun asked, eyebrow raising in confusion. Does he have something on his face? Did he leave some traces of paint on his face again? He swore he washed his face thoroughly when he got back from school. “Is everything okay, Jun?” Donghyuck asked, worry lacing his voice as he pushed Jeno away lightly to cup Renjun’s cheeks and this only confused Renjun more. Of course he’s okay, okay not really but you get it. “Why are you guys acting wei--” Jaemin cuts him off, “Injun were you crying?” that shuts him up immediately. Did he cry? Renjun backtracked to what happened earlier, he doesn’t remember crying though, still he checked. Not even bothering to answer Jaemin, Renjun jogs to the bathroom to look at himself on the mirror. Yep. He doesn’t know how and why but he’s pretty sure his eyes were bloated and there were traces of tears on his cheeks. Great. Renjun jumps when he felt an around wrap around his shoulders, bringing him in for a hug, he could tell it’s Jeno just by his scent. He always uses that perfume Mark got him one day because "I didn't know what to get you for Christmas and it was on sale." Jeno wordlessly guides the still confused Renjun to his bed, the other two already there with a mountain of unhealthy snacks. Jeno breaks away from the hug and sits across Donghyuck, pulling Renjun with him to sit across Jaemin so they were now forming a circle and their knees touching. Renjun would have laughed because of how they looked like a bunch of teenage boys summoning the ghost of unhealthy snacks but his friends were looking at him seriously, laughing at a time like this wouldn’t be the best idea. “Spill.” “No.” “Injun.” “Nana.” “Huang Renjun.” “Lee Donghyuck.” “Lee Jeno, don’t even think about it,” Renjun supplies jokingly, a faint smile already on his lips. It feels good like this, having his friends around, Renjun wished Mark wasn’t so busy with school so they could be complete. Jisung was out of the question because he’s probably enjoying his hangout with his ‘not’ soulmate Chenle.

        Nobody speaks for a good five minutes after that, all waiting for Renjun to open up to them at his own pace, Renjun appreciated them for that. “ it,” Renjun thought, they’re friends, they’re not supposed to hide stuff from each other. Renjun trusts them, they wouldn’t laugh at him or pity him because they’re good friends, the best friends Renjun could ever ask for. And so, he opened his mouth to speak. From the moment he blankly stared at the screen of his laptop until the moment they were in now, the three listening with all ears and understanding expressions. At one point Jaemin made the move to touch Renjun’s hand and the boy lets him, it was comforting, at least he didn’t cry. When he was finished, Donghyuck was the first to smile brightly and tackle him into a big hug almost making Renjun fall off the bed, almost. Jeno joined in a second later, Jaemin following suit until they found themselves having a cuddle party, Renjun helplessly being on the receiving end of all their hugs and small pecks. Not that he was complaining.

        The four of them were leaning on the headboard now, Renjun between Jeno and Jaemin and Donghyuck beside Jaemin, suddenly Renjun doesn’t feel like anymore. “Injun we love you,” Jaemin whispers when the four of them were calm enough to speak without shouting and possibly waking up the whole building. Jaemin whispered it so sincerely that Renjun felt his heart skip a beat, metaphorically of course because he would’ve died if it happened literally. Donghyuck doesn’t say those words much so it surprised Renjun when the embodiment of the sun took Renjun’s hand into his own and openly saying those three words, “I love you.” Renjun turns his head to look at Jeno only to find the said boy already looking at him, mouthing the same words Donghyuck said. Renjun released a sigh of relief, he’s never felt so loved like this before, so safe. Calm. They have long forgotten about the snacks they brought and Renjun couldn’t be bothered to start the essay now, he could always whip something up before the class starts. Right now, this, this is more important than a goddamn essay. Besides, how could he write about loneliness when he feels nothing but contentment now?  It's crazy how fast Renjun's mood changes when they boys are around, it's crazy how a few gentle touches and comforting words could make him forget how lonely he was.

        “I love you too. “