2017. Fall. The weather turned colder. Everybody took their coat out of the wardrobe. Trees also changed their clothes. Everything was colorful. Red, yellow, brown. Birds got ready to migrate to warmer places. Children chose to play inside, so playgrounds become quieter. The wind brought school bell ringing sounds. I always loved autumn, because I can’t bear the heat well, so the temperature is perfect for me. Finally I can dress in layers again, just like Youngmin hyung. And here we are.

                 Everybody saw us like best buddies, but in those times when this story started, we were far from friends. We had a good hyung and dongsaeng relationship and that was all. We worked together, went home together, ate together, even slept together, but we only talked in formal about how would we improve our skills and become famous or little nothings. For example how the weather was or what would we eat that day. Maybe many people would have been satisfied with that, but I wasn’t.

                 I like getting to know everybody well. For me everyone is like a bonbon, as you hold it in your hands you can see how its wrapper, here you can still decide not to get it and put back onto the shelf. If you are still curious, you will buy it. After you unwrap and look it without its wrapper, you can still stop, but if you like what you see, you will want to taste it. Is it really as you expected or it’s better or worser? If it’s bad, you can spit it out, but the flavour stays on your tongue for a long time. If it’s tasty, you will want more from it.

                  Well at that time in Youngmin hyung’s case I still stood in the shop looking the wrapper, what was really eye-appeal, but I couldn’t decide to get it or not. What does the wrapper hide? Is it dark or milk chocolate? I was curious and wanted to buy it, but what if it disappointed me? What would happen then?

                    I had always thought I was good at getting close to strangers until I met Youngmin hyung. Usually I know the way how to approach everybody, someone is shy so I had to take the first step and be patience, someone is talkative so I only need a good topic to talk about and we become friends forever, but hyung is different from others. It was difficult to get close to him. He was mysterious just like James Bond. He never talked about his feelings, what made him happy or sad. Had he ever been angry or hate someone? Had he ever been in love? I had a lot of questions like these in my mind, but I had never asked them. I don’t know why. Maybe I just didn’t have a chance, because he always drew my attention away or found something to do when I wanted to talk about his personal life.

                 He was nice to me, as it were, he was too nice. He was like a saint. He always listened to me when I had a problem and gave me advice. He always agreed with everything I said, we had never been in a fight like other guys with lots of testosterone. I don’t know why, but at that time I just felt like...how can I say.....as if he didn’t really care about me and treat me as his partner. Sometimes I thought he was emotionally indifferent towards me. You won’t have a quarrel if there aren’t any feelings. Usually if there was an issue we had to solve, he listened to my opinion, nodded then left me behind. I was angry and sad at the same time.

                  He totally excluded me from his life. He spent his free time alone in the practice room or in the studio. He didn’t show me his self-made rap lines. In front of the cameras he seemed a playful hyung, but in real life he was so introverted. I begged him to come with me to play outside, but he always said he was tired. I wanted to ride a bicycle together, then have ramen at Han River, but in the end I was eating alone at the bank while looking at the other cheerful people around me. I was envious of their happiness and I felt lonely...so lonely, I wished he had been there with me.

                    It was before our first Brand New Concert as MXM when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I practiced 1 out of N with Hanhae hyung and we played together while rapping, Youngmin sat on the other side of the room and just stared at us. „Come on, hyung! Let’s practice together.” I shouted to him playfully. „Thanks but I think you don’t need me. You look like a sweet couple. I don’t want to disturb you.” Nevertheless he smiled, he seemed serious. He rejected me again with that ridiculous reason. I don’t know why, maybe because I was a little sensitive that time, but it made me upset. „What the with you, hyung?! We work our asses off here... you should.....(be together with me),” I told him in informal. He just blinked at me suprisedly. I couldn’t wait for his explanation, just rushed out of the room.

                    I was ashamed of behaving like that in front of Hanhae sunbae whom I was a fan for a long time. He had never seen that side of me, that was to say, Youngmin hyung also hadn’t seen me like this before. I was surprised myself as well. Why did his words make me so angry. Maybe he just wanted to joke with us and I was too rude to him. How could I behave such shameless? I regreted the whole thing after I had closed the door behind myself. Some minutes later when I calmed down and took some deep breaths, I went back to the room and sat down onto the floor. I tried to gather my strength to apologize. My hyungs talked to each other on the other side. Sunbae patted hyung’s back, then he smiled at me commiseratingly and left us alone.

                    Youngmin glanced at me, then before I could have started my apology, he came to me and held out his hands to me. „I’m sorry...I think I made a mistake.” He said looking down at me. „No, hyung!....” I rejected his hand then jumped to my feet. „Why are you so nice to me even though we both know I was an !!!....I should say sorry. Why are you do this to me?! I hate when you agree with me in everything. Just fight back! Say it was my fault!” I shouted my every repressed thoughts into his face. „I want to know what do you think about......(me)!” I stared deeply into his eyes. „What do you want to know?” He asked bitterly and kept on talking without waiting for my answer. „That it doesn’t matter how much I try, I’m not able to tell you no. That I can’t sleep since I have met you, because you are there in my every ing dream.” He slowly came closer to me and I moved back towards the wall. „That I dance until I can’t able to think about anything. That I hate seeing you with other people, hate when you chat with them and smile at them. That I can’t be near to you, because I want to do things with you that I mustn’t do.” I bumped against the wall. „That I even jerk myself off looking at your photos......” His lips almost touched mine. I shut my eyes. „Look!” He laughed sourly. „I’m disgusting ........ you can’t even look me in the eye anymore.....I knew you would react like this way........” He stopped talking. We just stood there and I wasn’t able to move or opened my eyes. I could feel the warmth of his body and it was strange because it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I felt like my twin was with me, but it wasn’t the same. It was familiar, but at the same time it was ......how can I say....exciting....hot. My mind became foggy, but before my body could move, he my arms gently. „Let’ s just pretend that nothing happened......” I still didn’t dare to open my eyes, so I couldn’t see his expression but his voice sounded so sad. He went out of the room silently leaving me alone with my thoughts that raced through my mind.

                  I was in shock and totally confused. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. He meant ..... he loved me or I misunderstood something. Before that incident I had never thought that Youngmin hyung had feelings for me. I realized the bonbon with that nice wrapper was dark chocolate and though I was happy - I don’t like milk chocolate as much as dark, because it’s too sweet - I still didn’t dare to taste it.

                    I was always attracted to women. I liked girls since kindergarten. I always thought they were pretty. After school with my friends we would look under girls’ skirts. We were curious and naughty boys just like everybody in our age. In high school I had many fans so I dated a lot. I had two serious relationships and I really enjoyed being together with them. So I didn’t know what could I do in that situation, that was totally new for me. But I couldn’t deny that I felt something when he was such close to me. „If hyung didn’t stop me, I would do something .....something......” I touched my lips and couldn’t help smiling like an idiot.

Bonus pics