Jooheon watches with an embittered gaze as Changkyun and Kihyun giggle about something on one of their phones on the other end of the sectional. He swallows thickly around a lump of hurt in his throat, averting his gaze.

Even after all this time, it still hurts to see them so close. Especially when Jooheon’s crush on the maknae hasn’t dissipated despite the passing years…

“Jooheonney?”

The rapper looks up to see Minhyuk shooting him a concerned glance. Jooheon only gives a short nod in the couple’s direction, and the older frowns in understanding.

Jooheon can’t help but scowl as he looks away.

Of course he understands. Minhyuk is the only one who knows, after all. He’s the only one Jooheon’s ever told about his undying crush on the damn maknae who showed up so unexpectedly in their trainee days. He’d gone to the older for advice, because, despite his faults, he’s always been a dependable hyung who Jooheon would could always lean on.

“How’s Gunhee been lately?” Minhyuk asks, drawing Jooheon’s gaze to him once more. Jooheon lifts half a shoulder in a shrug, his brow creasing together at the random question.

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “We’ve been pretty busy lately, so I haven’t had a chance to talk to him.” Minhyuk hums, seeming deep in thought. He blinks unevenly, his eyelashes brushing up against his blonde bangs.

“You should go see him,” he suggests. “I’m sure he’d like the company. We’ve got a couple days to ourselves now that promotions are over. You could go over, drink… You know, clear your head.” Jooheon’s just about to say that he doesn’t feel much like going out, that he’d rather stay in and just watch a movie or something. But, then, he catches sight of Kihyun giving Changkyun a light, loving kiss on the lips out of the corner of his eye.

His heart pangs with deep-seeded jealousy, and he resolutely doesn’t look in their direction as he stands.

“That’s a good idea, hyung,” he says. “I’ll go take a shower and message him. Thanks.” He then leaves the room, his feet lifting and dropping back against the wooden floors with the renewed purpose a goal can give someone.

He doesn’t even spare the lovey-dovey couple a glance as he goes.

 

Two years. Nearly three. God, I’m pitiful.

Jooheon stands underneath the underwhelming spray of the shower, the warm water splattering up from his chest to dust his grim expression. He can’t believe how hopelessly in love with Changkyun he still is, despite it having been so long. He can still recall oh-so clearly how easily his hatred for the younger during No.Mercy had turned to love.

He still remembers easily how fast his heart had beat when Changkyun had relied on him for support that day when he’d broken down upon being chosen for the final line-up. The memory of the younger’s tears soaking through his stage clothes, his shaking form so close to Jooheon’s as he’d just sobbed. A similar thing had occurred when they’d won first place the first time. Changkyun had been so overcome backstage that he’d leaned on Jooheon for solace, even though Kihyun had been standing right there.

It’s moments like that that’s given Jooheon hope all this time that Changkyun would leave Kihyun for him one day. But, of course, such a wish is desperate thinking at this point… even if Jooheon doesn’t want to admit it.

 

He hurries himself out of the shower before he starts crying, checking his phone as he wraps a towel around his waist. Gun had responded nearly immediately, saying that Jooheon was more than welcome to come over anytime, and that he’ll go out to get a pack of beer for them.

Jooheon can’t help but smile at the amount of energy emanating from the simple message. He leaves the bathroom, aiming to get dressed and head out as soon as possible.

 

Jooheon arrives at Gun’s only a short time later, the subway having not been terribly crowded due to it being a weekday night when all the workers should have been eating dinner. He runs a hand through his hair as he approaches the door to the man’s apartment, releasing a slow breath before knocking on the door.

It immediately opens to reveal Gun on the other side, beaming from ear to ear. His thin lips pull back to reveal his round teeth, his eyes becoming even more angled from how his cheeks pull at his mouth. He reaches out, pulling Jooheon into a tight hug. The slightly-younger practically melts at the touch, breathing in Gun’s familiar scent and allowing it to relax him. His fingers dig into the other’s back gratefully as he buries his nose into the crook of Gun’s neck.

“How’ve you been, Jooheonney?” he asks as he pulls away, tugging Jooheon into his place. It’s pretty small, basically just a studio apartment with a bathroom, kitchenette, and futon. Gun leads him over to said futon, it squeaking slightly as they sit down on the soft cushion. Jooheon only shrugs, not really thinking he should give a legitimate answer. He may just tell Gunhee too much if he does.

Gunhee watches him for a moment, an air of understanding about him. He sighs, and then reaches underneath the table to pull out the packs of beer he’d just bought.

“Well, drink up,” is all he says, tugging out a bottle for himself and Jooheon. He uncaps both, handing one over without looking at the other. “You look like you could use it.” Jooheon takes it, shooting the man a grateful smile before taking a swig.

 

Hours pass, and the men discuss many things as they slowly make their way through the beers. They discuss what they’ve been up to recently, how they never thought in a million years it’d be like this. They reminisce about their trainee days, laughing about how Gun had gotten into trouble his first night there for drawing a doodle on the wall.

Of course, this brings up their No.Mercy days, which then leads to their discussing Changkyun’s unexpected arrival.

At this point, Jooheon is sufficiently drunk enough to very much not care about how much he lets slip about his current problems. His head is swimming, and he’s leaning against Gunhee due to his own inability to hold himself up. He sips on the last dregs of the bottle in his hand, groaning in dismay as he begins ranting about how sometimes he wished he still hated Changkyun. At least then it’d been easier to deal with him, to ignore him.

“But I can’t dothat anymorrre,” he whines plaintively, burying his face in Gun’s shirt. Gunhee chuckles knowingly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Jooheon pouts at this, shifting to look up at him despite his fading vision. Things are starting to get dark, but he only knows that’s because of his heavy eyelids. Why are eyelids heavy, anyway? What sense does that make? Jooheon doesn’t know, but he also doesn’t have the capacity to care enough to figure it out right now.

“I’m soooooooo sorry I fell in love with him, Gunhee-yaaaa,” Jooheon says openly, tears b at his eyes. “It should’ve been you. I should’ve fallen for you. We’ve always been close, always were until Kyunnie came into the picture. We were gonna debut together, remember that? Remember how we were gonna debut together?” He’s vaguely aware that he’s rambling now, but, again, he doesn’t really care.

“I’m glad you’re finally able to admit it, at least,” Gun laughs softly. There’s a wistful tone to his voice, as if he’s speaking of a long-departed friend. A more sober Jooheon would be surprise, embarrassed even, that Gun has just admitted to knowing about his crush for Changkyun all along. But, now he’s just defiant.

“I admitted it almost three years ago, okay???!!!!!” he shouts defensively. He pulls away from Gun’s embrace, crossing his arms as he pouts. Gun laughs again, pulling at his dimpled cheeks.

“Still took longer than me,” Gunhee tells him. Jooheon in a breath and whips his head about—making himself nauseous in the process—to look at the rapper.

“You’re in love with Changkyunnie, too???” he demands, seeming absolutely scandalized.

Gunhee barks out a laugh the likes of which Jooheon hasn’t seen from him since before Changkyun came into their lives. He parts his lips to make a comment as such, but then Gunhee does something that wipes away all thought of what he was going to say from his mind.

He kisses him. Right square on the lips. Jooheon’s heart crawls into his throat, and he goes deathly still, his muddled brain trying to process what’s happening but unable to. He doesn’t have time to react before Gun pulls away, a light pink spreading across his cheeks. He doesn’t seem able to meet Jooheon’s gaze as he stands on wobbling legs and begins picking up bottles.

“You can crash here tonight,” Gunhee offers, not meeting Jooheon’s questioning gaze. “I’ll sleep on the floor, you can take the couch.” He then leaves the room, his arms full of bottles. Jooheon watches wordlessly as he goes, gripping the left side of his chest as if that’ll somehow calm his racing heart.

 

Gun returns to the living room a short time later after having washed his face and changed clothes. He has a few blankets and pillows in tow, and he sets up the futon for Jooheon well enough before creating a makeshift bed for himself on the floor just beside him. He wishes Jooheon goodnight with a sweet smile and lies down, his back to the other rapper.

Jooheon stares at him through the dark, eyes alight with wonder. Gunhee had admitted to coming to terms with a crush long ago, and then he’d kissed Jooheon immediately after. Now, this may just be the beers talking, but Jooheon thinks it could very well have been a crush on himself Gunhee had been talking about, not on Changkyun.

He frowns in thought, his head hurting after being used so much.

Gunhee’s always been there, Jooheon muses as he pulls the blankets up to his chin, trying to stave off the oncoming headache. He’s seen me at my worst, my best… He touches his index and middle fingers to his lips, still buzzing with energy from the kiss. His heart pounds in his ears, and he tries to think of all this means, of what he should do with this information, if he—

He realizes with a start then something very important…

This is the longest I’ve gone not thinking about Changkyun ever since I met him, he thinks, his gaze practically boring holes into Gunhee’s shoulder.

He smiles sleepily to himself as his eyes finally fall shut, beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for him after all…