“I can't believe this...you're in love with your mother...!”

“...Th-that's sick.”

It wasn't panic that graced Choi SeungHyun's face to the accusation; this wasn't a soap opera, he had nothing uous to answer for. But DaeSung, Kang DaeSung his boyfriend of many years, he was frustrating him.

“Why would you even think to say that?”

“Because it's true.” He was standing his ground, both figuratively and in a literal stance before him, strong arms folded, bowed legs unable to touch despite how he held his feet together in order to gain a height momentum, “It might not be romantic...I-I don't know what the word for it is but all I know is that you love her.”

“Well of course I do-”

“I meant more than me...!”

Before he'd gained traction, DaeSung's initial charge had baffled and slightly irritated him. SeungHyun didn't want his mother brought into an argument, he didn't think DaeSung and he had those because everything had just been so amicable for so long that why couldn't it have stayed that way forever?

“...Oh.” Was that really all he could say? His pointed lips were pursed now, heavyset eyebrows furrowed in against the uppermost bridge of his nose as he let the feeling of unease wash over him.

“That's a really good answer, SeungHyun, that's just what I would expect from you.”

“Well what do you want me to say...?!” His chest felt tight already from having raised his voice, the gnawing feeling of guilt gaining his attention but he couldn't be sure that it had just begun, had he...known?, “Look...I-I'm just a little thrown...” He didn't want to do this, didn't want to fight and have to make-up because DaeSung was really...he was wonderful, “Yesterday we were fine.”

“Yesterday's the problem, SeungHyun. And last Wednesday, and the Monday two weeks before that-”

“Well what did I do?” He couldn't just spout off days of the week and expect him to guess where it had all gone wrong, “Please, DaeSung, tell me.”

“...you poured the wrong glass of wine.”

“What? When did I-...did you not want red?” He must have been talking about when they'd gone out to dinner, at the good restaurant with the ugly crockery. It always bugged SeungHyun that it seemed to make his meal less enjoyable but they went there because-, “Was it because my mother was there?” He was starting to think that he'd missed it this whole time, that DaeSung may not have liked his mother because he knew he had some problem with his own that SeungHyun just couldn't fathom.

“No, SeungHyun, it wasn't because she was there...it was because I wasn't.”

It wasn't like DaeSung to play mind games, SeungHyun's nose scrunching slightly to the odd recollection.

“...But you were.”

“Not to you.” The gnawing was back...or maybe it had just become noticeable to him again?, “I saw you pour that woman another glass of wine when mine wasn't even dirty, did you even know that I was there?”

“O-of course I did-”

“Then what was I wearing? It was only two weeks ago, SeungHyun, you should remember.” It was like a trick question an insecure lover would ask, only...was there a line to be drawn when insecurity became something more concrete?, “What was I wearing, SeungHyun? How did I have my hair? Did I come from work or did we arrive together?” DaeSung wasn't as strong as he wanted to seem over this, his voice wavering to the last of his questions but this going straight past SeungHyun's ears as, instead, his eyes widened and focused somewhere across the room. What had DaeSung been wearing?, “...now what was your mother wearing?”

He didn't want to say it, even if he knew. It was just that he got to see her less often, it meant more when they were together so he noticed everything about her, there would be plenty more opportunities for him to memorize everything that DaeSung was wearing, right down to his earrings...he did still wear those, right?

“I-I was just distracted.”

“Like you were at the gallery?” Their eyes hadn't met for a while, SeungHyun's seeming to snap to his for a moment before they wavered away. That feeling was back, hands heavy at his sides despite the desire to occupy them with something, anything, even fixing his hair which would seem even less like he was taking this seriously, “...I-I called you because I was running late.” He knew. He knew and it was awful because, at the time, and even after, he hadn't felt any regrets at all, “You thought I couldn't make it, didn't you?” Not until now, not until he was confronted with what he'd done was it actually sinking in how hurtful he'd been,“You took her in my place and when I tried to call you-”

“...I rejected the call...” DaeSung must have been only a few meters away, enough to hear his boyfriend's ringtone when he shouldn't have been that far inside yet followed by an annoyed grumble at the sudden noise. He'd looked to the screen and swiped away before turning off his phone so it couldn't happen again...and he'd been right there to see, “...DaeSung, I-”

“You turned right back to her and smiled. My name annoyed you because I was interrupting, didn't it?”

It wasn't something he wanted to be hit with. SeungHyun knew DaeSung didn't really like those galleries he dragged him to, they had different interests but he hadn't thought that that had soured him to him...so why had he done it? Were the extra moments with the woman who had raised him, were they so important to have alone because they did share a love for art? She and him were compatible in a way that SeungHyun, deep down, believed he and DaeSung lacked?

“I'm not saying you never loved me...just that I think, lately, you haven't had any love left to give to me.” He wanted to protest that that was ridiculous, that love didn't just run out, no matter who you gave it to...So why was it that his mouth felt too dry...?, “And it's not just that...it feels like you get enough from just being with her...I just don't feel like you even want mine anymore, it's like you haven't got any room for it.”

“...DaeSung-” His voice sounded deep, the trembles coming from the quavering in his gut only enhancing the regretful tone but DaeSung's face hadn't changed, “...I-I can't say sorry, can I?”

“You love someone else...” It didn't matter that it was platonic, it was true. SeungHyun put so much into loving his mother that it was unfathomable to expect him to do the same for anyone else. Even a mad dash for a reconciliation wasn't enough to make true his false intentions, DaeSung turning away from the sudden kiss SeungHyun tried to project his feelings onto because this was at least one place he didn't favor his mother more.

“Please...” Was it desperation he was feeling, the desire not to lose him after all this time? Or was SeungHyun so wracked with guilt, had been for so long he'd gotten good at pushing it down and ignoring it...he just wanted the catharsis of being forgiven?, “L-let me love you...” DaeSung had faded in his own anger, finding his own cathartic reaction in simply saying out loud what had been on his mind for so long. He would probably be sending SeungHyun right back to his mother, crying like a babe because he was brokenhearted and hurt...but maybe he would learn?

“...I wish you could...but I just don't think you're ready to...”

Maybe he had more growth ahead of him, a further path to walk before his heart could be separated from the umbilical link that kept him tied to familial bonds...and then, on the other side, maybe DaeSung would be waiting for him. All that love he'd brushed aside before now in full bloom for him to plant the seeds of his own aside.