We were only put in the same class twice but I knew then, that I liked you. 

I don't know why. I don't know how.

I mean, you weren't even the handsomest in both of the classes we shared. But you were tall, and I liked tall guys. You were a little weird too—often laughing and goofing around with your friends about some nonsensical things that always made you guys snicker or tease each other. 

I didn't like you at first but there was something that changed about you in our second time in class together. Of course, our first shared class was when we were only in 2nd grade. You had a pair of buckteeth and your skin was a little dark because of your times playing in the sun. You were a little lanky too but you had that charm in your smile that I couldn't help but notice.

The next (and last time) class we shared was in our first year of high school. Obviously, you've grown—like really grown. Actually, I think you were one of the tallest guys in our class back then! You weren't lanky anymore but your back still did that familiar hunch whenever you sat or stood up. The playfulness of your eyes got even more pronounced and the charm behind your crooked smile filled me with this weird attraction. 

I liked you, Kwon Jiyong. 

It was weird. You weren't even the guy I first laid my eyes on. My ultimate crush (Lee Donghae) was in the same class as us but I always felt like he was way too out of my league. All the girls liked him too and I was too lazy to fight for him so I ended up being the friend who had closeted feelings for him. In the end, I helped Donghae get together with my friend (who he apparently has feelings for too) and I was left cheering and teasing them under a facade of relief and happiness. 

But enough of him, I'm talking about you. 

There was something about you that got to me. Maybe it was your height? Your awkward and boyish appearance? Your playfulness and ridiculousness? Your smile? But there was something that made me want to know what it'd be like to have someone like me as much as I liked them. 

You weren't that popular with the girls so I guessed that I might have a chance with you... but you liked someone else, and everyone knew it. 

Kim Taeyeon was her name. Do you remember? Haha, I think everyone remembers. You had such a huge crush on that girl that our entire grade kept teasing you about her whenever they see you on the halls. I found it cute how easily you get flustered at the sound of her name. And the way you glare or blush when people turn to look at you when they said 'Taeyeon'? It was hard not to find you amusing. 

But I was jealous. Well, who wouldn't? I was the girl who was falling—plummeting—for yet another guy who seemed to look at someone else. And I actually understood why you liked her. Taeyeon was a sweet and pretty little thing that had this soothing voice and this angelic aura about her. She was popular and you weren't. And that thought only made me realize that we were the same. 

We both had unrequited feelings for people that we knew we didn't have a chance with but I realized it sooner and started to move on. 

You on the other hand, didn't. 

So there I was, pining over another guy that wouldn't look at me. We didn't talk much... unless we were put in groups or something. You were always too caught up with your friends or stealing glances at Taeyeon, while I was just there, stealing glances at you. 

You might find it cringey (I do), but the more I noticed you, the more I appreciated the kind of person you are. You were a little loud, sort of like a country hick, but you were so warm-hearted. I'd often see you consoling or giving advice to your friends and I'd just think to myself 'can I do that?'. You were a little sensitive too, and there was one time that you cried because someone teased you harshly about not having a chance with Taeyeon. Initially, I thought it was very unmanly but if I'd get put in the same position, I'd cry too.

No one wanted to be told that they were undesirable but no one wanted to face rejection by acting on it either. 

And that's where we shared something again. 

We never acted on our feelings. You relied on your friends' teasings to get her attention while I relied on my non-existent confidence to talk to you. Neither of those worked, obviously. And we just grew more and more desperate to get our crush's attention as the school year starts to come to a close. 

What started as innocent attraction turned into complete infatuation. I was falling, falling, falling... harder and faster because I knew that I had a chance with you, unlike I did with that stupidly handsome Donghae. You weren't incredibly handsome. You weren't even smart either. But I was starting to love you. It came to the point that I dreamt about you and I knew then that I was back in that familiar place of wanting someone. 

But I was too shy and I kept letting myself hear how much you wanted to be with Taeyeon so much. Pieces of my heart broke whenever I heard her name coming out from your mouth because you said her name so wistfully... as if she was a lovely dream that you wouldn't mind reliving your every waking moment of. It hurt because you were my dream but you dreamt of another. 

In the end I went back to that painful route I did with Donghae. I started to tease you about Taeyeon too but it was only rarely since I didn't have the courage to come up and talk to you. It was only when you happen to pass by my seat and I get that sudden urge to do it. You'd look at me with that resigned look on your face—as if you're so done with all of it even though we all knew you liked it—and you'd shake your head and tell me that it's just a rumor and you and your friends were just joking around. 

The way you stuttered and the creeping blush on your face begged to differ so I just smiled and went back to whatever I was doing while you walked away. 

When you get so little of someone, you take what you can get. 

And that's what I did.

I treasured every time we happened to catch each other's eyes and I'd over-analyze it and think that the happenstance was actually the universe's way of telling me that we shared the same feelings for each other. I'd often do those stupid elementary school bull crush things that figured how compatible you are with your crush by the total number of letters your names shared.

And there was one time that you asked to borrow my scissors which I handed bashfully under the ruse of a nonchalant facade. When you gave it back, I noticed the scissors' brand that was engraved in it. 'KS' it said. And my delusional mind immediately thought that it stood for 'Kwon Sandara '. Oh, I was a huge mess for you back then and you didn't even know. 

I was completely gone for you but you weren't even looking for me... you weren't even there to catch me when I started falling. 

Maybe it was all my fault. I never made it clear that I ever had feelings for you and I was too shy to admit it.

Hell, I didn't even confess to Donghae. I was going to but one time was all it took to get my courage destroyed. One time when we were hanging out at the campus grounds, one of Donghae's douchebag friends asked if he'd ever go out with me. I was within their group and I looked at Donghae expectantly while my heart raced against my chest. He caught my gaze and looked back at his friend with a slight grimace. "Eww, no way." he said. They all snickered and so did I. It wasn't funny. It actually hurt. But I didn't want them to think I was affected because they would start teasing me because kids are total s. 

What Donghae said kept replaying over and over in my head. It kept reminding me that it was better to be safe and hide my feelings than be ridiculed and rejected. I was a fat kid back then and it was worse because I was quiet and wore old lady glasses. I was the quiet fat kid that was just the quiet fat kid. I wasn't like the angelic Taeyeon. I wasn't anybody. 

To be honest, I don't think you even know my name because I don't remember you ever saying it. 

But that was me, Park Sandara, the girl who keeps hopelessly falling in love with people. 

And then there was the time when we happened to be looking at the same store by chance. 

"Hey," you said with a raised brow. "You're still here?"

We were both looking through this small knick-knack kiosk inside the campus and school had already ended by then. 

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for my ride," I said. "Why are you still here?" 

You didn't answer right off the bat but from the way you were looking at the red candy flowers on display as well as the few heart-themed crap, I knew why you were here. It was Valentine's Day after all. 

"Just... looking," you mumbled. 

I gave you a knowing look and nudged your arm playfully. "Looking something for her, huh?"

It had always been Taeyeon in the end. 

Instead of glaring at me, you smiled a little smile that I almost missed since you were busy browsing at all the stuff. It was a good thing I was looking at you. I would've missed that smile... even if it wasn't for me. 

"Whatever," you just said. 

"Do you need any help?" 

You looked at me in slight shock and I felt myself go into auto-pilot as I pointed out things that Taeyeon might like. In the end, you bought this little teddy bear and a rose-shaped candy on a faux stem with a smile on your face and a cute tint on your cheeks. I said good bye before you could finish paying, saying that my ride was here. 

I hurried out of that kiosk while my fists clenched around the straps of my backpack. First it was Donghae that I helped get a girlfriend, and now it was you. Why did my mind kept telling me that I didn't deserve them? I always push the people I love with other people. Was I stupid? Maybe I'm just retarded. I had the chance to completely sabotage you back there but I didn't because... 

Because I wanted you to be with the one you truly wanted. 

I wanted you to be happy. 

So there I was stomping out of that school, looking to see if my ride really was there because I just lied earlier. But I noticed something from the corner of my eye. It was you, and you were running to catch up to Taeyeon who was just about to leave with her friends. You were panting and smiling as you held out your gifts for her and with the urge of her friends, she took it and smiled a little. I didn't hear anything that you were saying but the smile on your face already told me everything I needed it know. 

"Dara!" Someone yelled and I looked to my ride to see my unnie calling out to me. "Let's go."

I didn't look back at you because I knew you'd be okay. You were happy so I'd leave you to bask in that warm feeling. I went along with my aunt and I sat quietly in the car with my head facing forward and my fists finally relaxing. 

If you were happy, then everything will be okay. 

But if I just looked back right then, I'd see you standing there giddily while Taeyeon and her friends sauntered away as she held on your gifts. From a distance, you'd hear her friends teasing her about him and you couldn't help but follow to hear more. But then you'd stop on your tracks when you heard her say that she was never interested in you.

Hope fell from your face and you stood there, motionless, in the middle of the crosswalk while car horns blared at you. The officer manning the crosswalk dragged you out of there and yelled, "Pay attention!" But you were too caught up feeling whatever you were feeling. It was only a one time thing yet it felt like it did more damage. It hurts doesn't it? 

Welcome to the real world. 

Soon, the school year ended and my family decided to move to Japan because of my dad's job—something that I've been dreading but it was something that also meant new beginnings. 

Eight years had passed and I'm already in my 20's. 

As I was browsing my SNS, a notification suddenly appeared and I was surprised to see your name in one of the chats. 

"Hello," you wrote simply. 

I'd almost forgotten about you, to be honest. At the first few years of my move, I'd sometimes go into your SNS accounts to see what you've been up to. But soon, that memory of you faded away and I rarely had you on my mind... until now. 

"Heyyyy! Do you still know me ^^; ?" I replied back eagerly, because I've never had a classmate from back home message me in years. 

"Of course, why wouldn't I lol" was your response.

I fell back on my bed and grinned at my phone that had our conversation. It's been so long and I felt all the memories slowly creep back to me. I could just laugh at them now. 

Amidst our talking I mention Taeyeon and recalled how much I remember you being teased about her all the time. 

But then you started saying things... and my smile faded. 

"Haha, back then I liked seeing you in glasses." 

"It's been a long time, those idiots just wanted to mess with me about her."

"And besides, I really had a crush on someone else in that class." 

I should've just stopped you right then but I didn't. I think a part of me wants some closure, or maybe I was evil enough to make you want to feel what I did back then. 

But honestly though... it's been too long. I'm sorry, I couldn't hold on for that long, Jiyong. I didn't even think that you remembered me, let alone knew me. 

I'm not lying when I say that I liked you because I really did like you. Maybe I even loved you, but I was too young and dumb to differentiate. I was hurt too much by my own cowardice and I promised myself to leave that person behind and make a new and better me. I'm not just the same quiet fat girl from before. I'm finally Park Sandara and I accepted that. 

You knew me at my weakest but didn't bother at my transitioning. Now I'm at my greatest and I've already left the past behind me. 

If only you gave me something... showed me something from before... then I'd keep holding on, because back then, I never had hope... just wishes that can only be granted in my dreams. 

"Cute~! I had a lot of crushes back then too!" I answered. 

"My crush wore glasses..." you said, and I knew. 

I didn't know why I kept talking to you but I did. Maybe it was just to live the 'what could've been' scenarios but I knew that there was nothing more. 

I like you, Kwon Jiyong... but it's been so long that my attraction to you is gone. I feel like we're now two different people, only linked by what little memories we had shared. 

I liked you... but I had already moved on.