Hanbin grew weaker as the days went by. The flowers became harsher, heartbreak wrecking him more than simple unrequited love ever did. The knowledge that Bobby already had someone, that this time there was not even a sliver of chance for Hanbin, was too much.  

The retching became more frequent and Hanbin stopped leaving Junhoe’s room, the taller bringing him everything he needed and basically making his leader live with him.  

After the little incident, the group couldn’t pull Junhoe away from Hanbin at all, no amount of pleading or bribery stopped him from guarding Hanbin like a bear would their cub. Any attempt to talk to him was met with a sharp glare and cold silence.  

The one who got it the worst was definitely Bobby. He couldn’t even go near the direction of Junhoe’s room without the owner appearing and practically hissing at him until he went away.  

Hanbin was too sick to know what was happening beyond the doors, almost permanently hunched over the toilets or falling into an exhausted slumber. The group’s long hiatus became a blessing to him during this time.  

He already had dozens of completed songs in review, no dance practice, and no meeting up with the company board to discuss a comeback. He was free to continue dying in peace.  

He huffed out a laugh at the morbid thought and immediately regretted it when it transformed into choking. Junhoe, who was pacing back and forth outside, heard him and flew inside the room towards the bed, not forgetting to lock the door to keep their members out before he lugged the trash can to Hanbin’s mouth.  

Hanbin almost had the urge to let the flowers choke him and end his misery, but Junhoe was watching him and he refused to make the only person who stayed completely faithful to him watch him die like this.  

The thought gave him enough strength to push on, heaving the last of the flowers out. Hanbin slumped down, head pounding as exhaustion ran through him. His body felt so limp and weak, he couldn’t even lift his head up towards the water bottle Junhoe extended to him.  

Junhoe held back a tearful sigh as he gently cupped Hanbin’s head and tilted his face up, slowly pouring water into Hanbin’s mouth and watching him swallow it all attentively. 

“Hyung,” Junhoe whispered sadly, “it’s gotten so much worse.”  

Hanbin nodded weakly and closed his eyes as he replied, “I know.” 

“You… you should tell him,” Junhoe suggested hesitantly, wincing when Hanbin sent him a flat look.  

“Nothing good will come out of it,” Hanbin retorted bitterly, “He’ll push me away and be happy with his girlfriend and I’ll still be dying with the knowledge that he doesn’t love me.” 

Junhoe slumped down and Hanbin felt guilty. He didn’t mean to be so sharp with him… He was just so tired nowadays.  

Hanbin sighed, “Thank you for all you’ve done, Junhoe.” He gave the other a small, but fond smile and watched as Junhoe tried so, so hard to return it with only the slightest tremble on his lips.  

“Of course, hyung,” he breathed out and watched as Hanbin drifted off to a fitful slumber.  

His smile slipped off his face and he bent down, kissing Hanbin’s forehead sweetly. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispered apologetically, “but I refuse to let you go without being certain that Bobby-hyung truly doesn’t return your feelings.” 

He straightened up and opened the unlocked door, sending one more determined glance back at his napping leader before leaving the room, the door clicking behind him ominously.  

Outside, Bobby scrambled up from the couch as Junhoe appeared before him like a vengeful ghoul, pursed lips and thundering eyes with a purposeful stride.  

“I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen,” Junhoe dropped bluntly and Bobby nodded quickly, thrown off by the fact that Junhoe was actually talking to him somewhat civilly.  

“Hanbin-hyung loves you. That’s the plain and simple truth. Now, I need to know one more thing before I go back to him, and your answer will either make me happy or make me break your jaw,” Bobby flinched back nervously and eyed Junhoe’s clenched fist warily. “Do you love him back? Romantically. And don’t try to bull me by beating around the bush.” 

Bobby swallowed, his throat dry and hands sweating. “U-um,” he stuttered out and the taller watched him impatiently. “I’ve never thought about it…?” He finished weakly.  

Junhoe’s eyes narrowed and he looked extremely disappointed. “Then you better start thinking about it. And quickly,” he shot back and abruptly his heels to march away, leaving Bobby to stare at him owlishly. 

On the other hand, Junhoe was beating himself up and hoping on all his luck that Bobby really did return Hanbin’s feelings. Or else he would be forced to do something very drastic and possibly damaging his hard-won trust Hanbin had in him if he ever found out.  

It would all be worth it in the end, as long as Hanbin lived. That was the only thing that truly mattered.  

- 

Hanbin woke up feeling more rested, though his throat was dry and his vision more hazy than usual. “Junhoe?” He called out softly and heard footsteps coming towards him.  

“Hey, hyung,” Junhoe replied with a hushed voice, “how are you feeling? You’ve been sleeping for six hours.” 

Hanbin smiled and joked, “That’s a lot longer than I’m used to.” The younger let out a quiet laugh and pushed a new water bottle towards him.  

“You think you’re strong enough to drink?” Hanbin hummed in thought, carefully ignoring how much it hurt his esophagus to do that simple sound.  

He reached for the bottle. “I can hold it, but,” he fumbled with the cap and watched in frustration as his fingers slipped off uselessly, “I can’t open it.”  

“That’s better than yesterday,” Junhoe encouraged as he helped his limp leader. He pulled Hanbin into a sitting position and cradled his body as he gently fed him water.  

Hanbin felt like a newborn, with how reverently Junhoe was treating him and how he couldn’t do anything without his aid. It was a novel feeling – he hadn’t been this helpless for many, many years.  

He held back a yawn and regretted it when his throat spasmed around more flowers. He threw it up in defeated resignation, watching as five red carnations bloomed from him.  

Only five flowers. Hanbin wondered if that meant his body no longer had the capacity to produce more, if his death inched nearer everyday. He noticed that the amount of flowers would decrease as time went by and this was foreboding. 

Junhoe, on the other hand, fervently ignored the same conclusion he had come to and tried to be more optimistic. “There’s less this time,” he exclaimed weakly, “maybe that means you don’t need the flowers anymore?” His leader only gave a sardonic huff in reply and he wilted, wishing with all his might that that was what it meant – even if it was more a pipe dream than anything else. 

Hanbin smiled softly. It was so sad, yet so touching that Junhoe would go this far for him. Even if he never gave anything back in return.  

A knock on the door interrupted them and Junhoe whipped his head towards the door, eyes trained on it and body still. “Dinner’s ready,” Donghyuk’s soft voice called out to them and Hanbin nudged Junhoe.  

“Go eat,” he encouraged, shaking his head when the taller made to protest. “You can bring me food later. How will you take care of me if you can’t even take care of yourself?” A low blow, but effective.  

Junhoe pursed his lips and conceded, gently laying Hanbin back down and tucking the blankets over him again. He left the open water bottle on the table near Hanbin and got up, glancing back every three steps until he reached the door.  

He hesitated to open it until Hanbin nodded and he left quietly, closing it behind him and locking it from the outside – a new feature he got added in after a member tried to break in after he had gone to dinner and left Hanbin alone. 

The leader sighed, letting his weak smile slide off his face as he slumped down and closed his eyes, feeling his headache come back with a vengeance. 

“I just need more sleep,” he whispered to himself, forcing back a cough and falling asleep, missing the quiet knocking on the door.  

- 

Bobby paced back and forth outside Junhoe’s door, twisting his fingers together nervously as he thought more on what Junhoe said to him.  

Hanbin, in love with him of all people? Hanbin, his leader and best friend, practically his soulmate? It was outrageous, that someone as amazing and enchanting as Hanbin could ever love someone like him. 

He sighed, rubbing his neck as he stopped and leaned against the door, resting his head against the cool wood.  

He didn’t know what to do. His feelings for Hanbin were always something he ignored because he knew it teetered on the edge of being more than what it was now.  

He needed to think about the consequences. He couldn’t be selfish in his desires, their steady dynamic had been the base of the group’s structure for so long that it was difficult to imagine it evolving.  

Worry filled Bobby’s mind so much that he didn’t even see Junhoe coming down the hallway until it was too late.  

“What are you doing here?” Junhoe’s inquisitive voice broke through Bobby’s reverie and he jerked up, eyes shooting open.  

“I was trying to talk to Hanbin, but he didn’t answer,” Bobby replied,  cautiously looking for Junhoe’s reaction. To his relief, the vocal only seemed mildly annoyed.  

“He’s sleeping. Hanbin hasn’t been getting a lot of rest lately.” Bobby chewed his lip, eyebrows drawn down in concern.  

“Is he okay?” The look in Junhoe’s eyes sharpened.  

“Why do you care?” 

“Why do I- of course I care!” Bobby sputtered back. Why wouldn’t he? This was Hanbin, who pushed himself so hard that he shot straight past his limits, who could only be stopped by force, who needed a sleeping pill most nights to stop from thinking so much. 

This was Hanbin, who Bobby cared about so deeply it ached. Hanbin, who he… oh. 

Junhoe let a small grin slip out before he schooling his features as he observed the realization creep over Bobby’s face. Checkmate. “You don’t need to. I’ve been taking care of him.”  

“He’s letting you?” 

The other carefully crafted his response as he eyed the rapper with fake disdain. “Quite willingly, yes.” 

Bobby pursed his lips in slight jealousy. It always took half an hour and multiple threats with force to get Hanbin to even accept Bobby taking gentle care of him.  

“Huh.” The short response had Junhoe crowing on the inside. He tilted his head and motioned for Bobby to wait while he slipped into the room.  

Bobby fidgeted in place and jumped when the door opened again, barely catching a glimpse of Hanbin’s fluffy hair popping out from the bed before Junhoe locked the door with a soft click. His eyes were drawn to the book the vocal was holding out to him.  

He gingerly took it and turned it over, raking his eyes up and down the novel in confusion. “Why a book about the flower language?” He mused out loud.  

“Hanbin-hyung is into flowers nowadays,” Junhoe turned around and started walking down the hall before pausing and adding over his shoulder. “Some things are worth the risk, hyung. Remember that.” 

He left the rapper to ponder on his words, praying Bobby would finally choose his happiness, would finally choose Hanbin. 

Love was meant to be freed, not contained. It was time to be happy, the both of them. 

Bobby stood there, repeatedly running his hands over the cover of the book before releasing a deep breath. He nodded and opened the first page with a pounding heart.  

He knew what he had to do.  

- 

Hanbin woke up with an aching throat, smacking his lips as he swallowed dryly. He reached his hand out blindly and made contact with the open water bottle before tugging it weakly towards him and sipping on it, filled with gratitude when he realized Junhoe snuck a straw in for him.  

After he finished all the water, he dropped it in the trash can and finally opened his eyes with a eye-watering yawn. The curtains were drawn, but the lamp was on, the dim lighting casting a soft glow over the room.  

Junhoe napped on a chair near the bed, head tilted back and body loose while snoring. Hanbin laughed at the sight and noted that he felt a lot better than before. His body didn’t shake as he pushed himself up into a sitting position and off the bed.  

He stretched, feeling and hearing his bones cracking from disuse. The first thing he did with his newly regained strength was put a blanket over Junhoe, tucking him in and petting his head gently. Junhoe mumbled and hummed before settling down more and Hanbin felt a fond smile grow on his face.  

He jostled in shock when three sharp knocks sounded on the door, freezing as his mind scrambled on what to do. He didn’t want to wake Junhoe up, he hadn’t gotten much sleep since taking care of Hanbin become a top priority and Hanbin loathed to take this bit of rest from him.  

He gulped and crept towards the door, unlocking it with trembling hands as he turned the doorknob to peek out of the opening.  

Bobby stood there, fist frozen in the air to knock again as the two stared at one another in surprise. Bobby didn't actually think anyone was going to answer him, but he was glad it was Hanbin, who he wanted to see all along. Despite the civil interactions with Junhoe, it was better to be cautious with him. 

"Hey, Hanbin," Bobby started awkwardly, cursing himself for losing his breath at the sight of the smaller male. God, it felt like it had been years since he last laid eyes on his best friend, though he noted with concern that Hanbin looked a little worse for wear. There were heavy bags under his eyes and his face seemed gaunt, the fluffy cheeks Bobby loved to squish so much almost completely gone. "Are you okay?" He asked, reaching his free hand out to caress Hanbin's face while hiding the other behind his back. He had something to give to Hanbin, but only after his worries were soothed. 

Hanbin held his breath, shivering as Bobby's warm hand touched him so gently, lightly him as if he was the older rapper's most precious possession. He registered the question and scrambled to answer him. "Um, yeah," he said lamely, feeling his face heat up at the stilted response. His hands clenched his shirt nervously and he almost wished Junhoe would wake up, but at the same time, he kind of missed this.  

He missed the close bond Bobby and he had before his feelings got in the way. The carefree way they interacted, the casual touches and lighthearted laughter. Now every interaction they had was overshadowed by Hanbin's longing for more.  

Bobby looked at the other in disbelief. He clearly hadn't slept or eaten in a while, despite Junhoe reassuring the rest of them that Hanbin finished all the meals brought to him. He decided not to pursue the issue more, recognizing the tense shoulders and set look in Hanbin's eyes that clearly said "I'm not elaborating or entertaining anymore questions about this." He wasn't here to confront Hanbin, so he did what needed to be done – he backed off and went to a different topic, the one he initially came here for anyways. 

"Can we talk?" Bobby murmured, "There's something I need to tell you and," he glanced over Hanbin's shoulders at Junhoe, "I'd like for us to be alone for it." 

Hanbin nodded hesitantly, stepping out of the place that had been his safe place and following Bobby to his room with one last look behind him. He met the open eyes of Junhoe and almost stumbled a step.  

Junhoe mouthed at him, "Go" and Hanbin left with a thankful smile creeping up on his face. 

- 

"What'd you need, hyung?" Hanbin asked, standing in the middle of his room as he watched Bobby shift from foot to foot, his occupied hand hidden behind his back.  

Bobby took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. Overthinking would only make it worse.  

"I know that you're in love with me." He said bluntly, watching Hanbin lose all color in his face. "And," he confessed softly, "I'm in love with you back." 

"I – what?" Hanbin stuttered out, completely blind-sided. He pinched himself on the arm, this had to be some perfect universe he dreamt up, one where the love of his life actually felt the same way about him.  

Bobby stepped towards him until they were face to face, scant inches between them. He took Hanbin's hands and placed the hidden object he had been clutching onto for so long into Hanbin's palm. "I love you," he repeated again, "and I never fully realized it until now." 

He spoke louder, more confident as he stared into the smaller male's eyes with an honest, fond look. "I love everything about you. How determined you are, the effort you put into everything, the absolute love and devotion you give everyone in your heart. I love you because of how hard you push us to our limits and how you only want the best for us. Even more, I adore how loving you are, your laugh when you feel so much happiness it can’t be contained. Somehow, you've remained so pure despite what we've gone through, despite the fact that anyone else would have become broken beyond repair. I love how affectionate you are, how you can't help but hug someone when you feel happy, how you love us so much you wouldn't think twice about destroying yourself for our sake." 

Hanbin was crying, tears pouring down his face as Bobby pulled him in, cradling him against his chest as he finally looked down at his hand. He let out a sob, tears blurring his eyes, yet he saw the arbutus in his hand so clearly. It was small, but the vibrant red stuck out so clearly, perfectly bloomed and the physical declaration of Bobby's affection. It was so beautiful it hurt and healed him simultaneously.  

"I'm in love with you. It's only ever been you." Bobby finished off, so, so gentle with his words as Hanbin buried his face in the crook of his neck, the arbutus pressed between their chests. Hanbin felt the flowers in his soul bloom, but it was as soft as Bobby's embrace, gently dissipating as love filled in the space they once took up.  

A gentle touch on the nape of his neck and Hanbin looked up, eyes red and puffy, but he had never been more gorgeous in Bobby's eyes. "I love you," he repeated before closing the gap between them and kissing Hanbin. 

Hanbin closed his eyes with a sigh, kissing him back so desperately that they molded together, two halves of one soul finally meeting together again in divine bliss. Bobby broke off with a pant, gazing so deeply into Hanbin, into the one person who had ever completed him. "Tell me you love me," he whispered. 

"I love you, Bobby," Hanbin responded breathlessly, "so much it hurts." Bobby laughed so joyfully, hugging the love of his life so tightly you couldn't tell where they ended or began. 

"I'll take away all your pain." Bobby vowed, sealing it with a kiss. "I'll never hurt you again." 

"It's the promise of an eternity." 

- 

Behind the door, Junhoe watched them, eyes fond and relieved. It was about time for those two to find love in one another. To find happiness with each other. 

He startled when Hanbin turned his head and met his eyes, Bobby's face resting on his shoulder as they swayed back and forth. Thank you, he mouthed and Junhoe gave a wry grin. 

All was well. 

----

Arbutus - Thee only do I love

-

Thank you for reading this piece of my heart.