I was walking by the empty streets, looking at the few people who dared to go out in this cold weather. Crazy like me, but I actually didn’t care, since my heart was full with those cliché feelings that I hated to have but realized that I couldn’t avoid ever since I met him.

 It was really frustrating, to be honest. I was never the romantic type and still ain’t, but falling in love made me realize that I wasn’t the ice queen my friends always joked about.

The worst part of it is that even after I’ve moved from Japan where we met for the first time, just to be close to him – well, that’s not the reason I came to Korea, but it did encourage me to make it quicker – we barely see each other because of his schedule.

 Some say I’m lucky but that’s not what I think. To be in a relationship with an idol it is not that great, especially when you gotta make it secret from the whole world. Apart from s and our closest friends and family, no one knows.

 Now he’s been touring in Europe with his group after their comeback, meaning that we haven’t seen each other for a while. Our contact is also messy, whenever we try to call or message, the other is busy and will only see it hours later… I mean, I have a job myself and manage my own coffee and snack shop in a foreign country is stressful enough. Even though it is still small we have already have found some success… Kinda. We are operating for less than a year and already have fidelity loyal customers who come every day, week or weekend to try our beverages and some typical snacks from my country.

 Oh, I’m not Korean but now I’m more comfortable with English, Japanese or Korean since I’ve been speaking these languages in a daily basis for a while.

 Back to my romantic problem: even if the group which my boyfriend is from is not that big or successful, they still got a solid fan base in Asia and around the world. I can say they have a name. So, I still worry about some things. The fact that I’m a foreigner, a regular person instead of a celebrity and, maybe the most critical point here: his ex-girlfriend is a model, just make me more insecure about us going public to the media.

 It was a shock for me when he confessed back in Japan, although I felt the same way. ‘Cause I was a k-poper I knew how scary things could be for this relationship. For both of us. But for once I knew that I had to actually rebel against this ridiculous and evil system in order to be happy and help him be free. It just didn’t seem right to let this chance of happiness go away jut ‘cause we were afraid. Because I was afraid. He had the courage to come to me first, knowing better than I do, the world he lives in and it was not my right to let it go for him. He made a risky move to be happy with me, it would have been so wrong if I had said no.

 So here we are, together under the sheets, far from cameras and I’m ok with that. Ain’t gonna say that it’s not frustrating not to be able to go for walks when the sky is clear and the weather is fresh… Or to go to any normal dates in the daylight like a normal couple would do. But just having him it’s more than enough and I got nothing to complain. What really bothers me now is all this sentimentalism I feel whenever we stay more than a week without seeing each other (Yes, I can handle a week and a little bit more without him perfectly fine, I told you I’m not the romantic one), but after that, if we don’t message at least twice a day, by the end of the second week I get really emotional. And I mean it. I keep thinking if he is fine, eating and sleeping properly and all my motherly sides arise with lots of concern and worry. If we achieve three weeks or more, things reach a critical point in which I think about him 90% of my day, my heart feels heavy and I miss him almost desperately to the point that I start to send small videos at Snapchat or Snow hoping that he would do the same or at least call me. This is crazy, right?

 I think I’m going nuts…

 I swear to God and all divine things in the world that I was never like this and I really don’t know what to do. I think I need a guide or manual to help me deal with feelings in general. Or just a psychiatrist. This thing is new to me. I mean, realizing that you are an actual human being with emotions and that you must deal and live with it sounds too much for someone like me.

 Gosh, my life was way simpler when all I had to do was keep myself happy, just myself. Books, some junk food, coffee and chocolate while watching good movies or just listen to nice music were enough. Hang out with my friends when all that felt a little lonely and that was all! But now..! C’mon! I have to understand this whole new world without rules and that makes no sense at all most of the time. It is so confusing and frustrating to my rational self that makes me wanna sit and solve math equations. Note that I hate math.

 I’ve been walking for almost an hour now and the day is getting to an end soon. I think I gotta go home since staying like this by the nightfall would be too depressing and I’m handling all the drama I can right now. Not needing any more of it, thanks. So I just entered this nice and warm tea house by the corner of the venue and ordered some black tea. I made my last attempt to avoid the loneliness of my apartment and that huge stuffed Snorlax he got me on our one year anniversary together. I mean, he knows me very well… what else could be better than an enormous sleepy Pokémon in which you can actually sleep on? He also sprinkled his favorite perfume in it, what makes me miss him even more. That guy… Psh… He actually knows how to make himself wanted…

 I went through my sns accounts and read some fun things that would keep him out of my mind. After talking with some friends on our group chats I thought it was time to finally confront my Pokémon. Well, people say everybody has their own demons to deal with, what can I do if mine is cuter and cooler than others?

 I was walking down the street where my apartment is, counting the bricks painted in blue on the wall.

“This is an awesome panel someone made there…” I thought to myself while looking at it. It had an image of the ocean in a very personal perspective and since blue was my favorite color I couldn’t avoid to count those specific ones.

 I was kind of distracted, the red brick building was just some more minutes away and I kept singing some random song in my mind, just to help keeping his image away. I might sound mean but, believe me, that was my way of calm all the ruckus inside of me. I told you things were pretty bad, didn’t I?

 It took quite some time to find the keys on my backpack and then another couple of long minutes to finally reach the third floor. You know, stairs, so burdensome… When I was in front of my door I hesitated before typing the code on the locker. The memory of the empty apartment again hitting me stronger than before. I thought I could almost hear his laughter which at that point was pure torture. The same sound that would make me put a huge smile on my face, now sounds like a bad remarking of his absence. I am a hundred percent sure I’ve gone crazy already. Forget about the psychiatrist, just send me to a mad house instead.

 I let out a tired, somewhat bored breath and stepped in. I took of my boots and kind wished my chinchillas could act like a puppy or a kitty and come meet me at the entrance, which obviously wouldn’t happen. I know, I should just adopt one then, but I stay out for too long so the poor things would suffer… Since the rodents are more independent and have the company of each other for the day, it’s kind fine. Besides they’ve night habits, so it matches better with my schedule.

 I went to the living room and threw my backpack on the couch and pretended I was just a bag of potatoes. I was about to leave my body fall right on to my Snorlax but ended up on the floor due the surprise of hearing someone talking to me.

 My mind froze and I was in complete shock. I was sure it was his voice, but that didn’t make any sense! So I just kept thinking that it was a murderer who were about to do his job and finish me and I was hallucinating with his voice. Right in the middle of a critical situation as a consequence of trauma, maybe?

 But that laugh… I mean… It must be him!

 I took the courage to look back and what I saw it was, probably more shocking than a serial killer. He was laughing so hard at me. Body bending down, hands on his knees and I just kept staring like I was dreaming or seeing things.

“Omg, what are you doing here? I mean… Like… What?” It was all I could get out of my mouth at that time.

 It took some time for him to calm down and come near me to finally help me up. Even when his hands touched me it was hard to believe.

 “Gwenchana?” He said with a beautifully funny smile.

 “H-hm…”  I nodded.

 I was so confused that I didn’t know what to do or how to react. He just kept staring and smiling and I…

“Is everything fine? Did anything happen? Why are you here, like, now? Weren’t you supposed to be in Hungary or something…?”

 He didn’t look disappointed at my questions at all, just put on a comprehensive smile and held my hands.

“Anni, gwenchana.”  My expression must have been really funny since it has made him crack a little.

“So…” I was truly expecting an explanation. And you might think I’m completely nuts by now, which I would understand after all that sweetty hearty talk about my suffering of being away from him. Any normal person would have thrown herself at him and said how much he was missed and all, but how many times do I have to remind you that, well, yes, I’m not normal, but I also am not romantic and have problems with all those sentimental things, ok?

“We thought about having a break from the tight schedule we were in, so… I came to see you, but you look kind of… Mad right now…?”

 Yeah, I was a bit annoyed. First ‘cause that answer made no sense at all. In any way Ji Ho would let anything like that happen. Ever! Unless something really big had happened. And second, added to the first reason and despite the fact that he was lying in the most ridiculous way, I was even more frustrated than before. C’mon! So why was all that depressing movie day I just had for? I had finally let myself enjoy a day of melancholy, acknowledging my romantic – kind of – side and let myself go through all that drama thing for once in my life and there he was! Standing right in front of me like any of that mattered.

 I was just trying to be a normal person suffering for love, even though I hated it, but I did allowed myself to go for it, you know? Without any weight in my rational Aquarian conscience and for what?

 Again, let me make it clear: I’m not a normal person, as you already realized.

 I crossed my arms and looked at him in disbelief.

“What? Really, Kwonie, this doesn’t make any sense! Really, what happened? Did any of you got hurt? Did something went bad during the tour or what?”

“Calm down, everything's fine.”

“That’s exactly what people say when it’s not.” He laughed, again, at my point.

“We’re all fine, just tired, but fine.”

 I kept staring at him without moving and he smiled and rolled his eyes knowing that that only sentence would not be enough for me.

 “The tour was actually supposed to end sooner than what we told you…” My jaw dropped immediately while my eyes probably plopped out. I was speechless. “I wanted to surprise you…”

 Well, he surely did!

“So, are you going to keep asking me questions or demonstrate how happy you are to see me?”

 Right there it hit me. He was there. And I was just questioning him instead.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” I said before hugging him tight, really tight. I could feel his warmth and smell. Geez, he smelled so good. Better than the Snorlax, I must say.

“I missed you too.”

 I confess, those words shook me. I felt like crying, or at least tearing up a bit ‘cause it really did not seemed real but I knew it was.

“You’re not crying, are you?”

“Shut up, or I’ll leave you for the Pokémon.” Again the delicious sound of him laughing filled my ears and that made me feel warm as well.

 We broke apart just enough to look into each other’s eyes and could not stop staring at how good he looked. He sure was tired. It was written all over his face, but he still looked amazing.

“You lost weight. Again. How much will I have to feed you so you can look healthy, hm? ‘Cause now you definitely don’t.”

“I’m fine, it was just too much work and little time to rest. But I’ll sure eat anything you cook for me. You know I would never deny food.”

“And that’s the reason why I like you.” We laughed and he gave me a peck on the lips that caught me off guard. It was nothing much, but after too long since we were together it meant a lot.

“I thought it was because of my y dance.”

“Well, that too.”

 We stayed in silence for a while and I realized we were both losing ourselves on each other. It started on the sofa and only God knows where it has ended, not that it matters, though, because just to be there with him was everything I needed.