Caught In A Lie

“I shouldn’t be calling you again. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you start crying. I’ll come to you. Where are you now?”

“I’m at the convenience store where we first met You don’t have to come. I’m okay.”

“Stay there. I’m on my way.”

 

I love it when you call me. And I hate it when you call me while on the brink of tears. But I hate it more if you didn’t call me so I guess this is fine. Although honestly I know this isn’t right.

When I finally get to where you were, your tears were ready to fall. And as I held you close and place your head gently on my chest, the tears start to fall, soaking up the front of my shirt.

I hate seeing you like this but I’m glad that you called for me. It’s my selfish need and it’ll destroy me in the end. Cause you aren’t mine. Will you ever be mine?

It’s killing me on the inside. But I can’t act on it.

Wouldn’t you be happier with me?

Why can’t you be with me?

I’m guilty. I shouldn’t be doing this. I have to push you away. I have to give you up even though you weren’t mine in the first place. I need to stop doing this to myself and to you.

 

You shouldn’t be with me if you’re still going back to him.

But why am I still hugging you close?

 

Maybe this time.

 

Maybe she’ll stay with me.

 

Maybe this time, my hopes won’t be in vain.

 

I can’t let you go,

 

Please stay with me.

 

 

 

-         

-         

-   

-        It’s endless even if I try to run.

I keep going back again and again.

 

I’m like an addict who can’t seem to find the end.

Lost in the beginning.

Do I even want it to end? –

-

-

-

I met you on a gloomy friday night. A night where I had nowhere else to go to except for the nearby convenience store. I paid for my drink and a bowl of ramyun and headed out the store to sit and have my meal in peace. That’s when I saw you, sitting alone at the table that was vacant a little while ago. My first thoughts were ‘oh sh*t where do I go now’ as I stood outside the door of the store with the wooden chopsticks in between my teeth. I didn’t make a sound or maybe I thought I didn’t but nevertheless you turned around and saw me standing there. You stared at me blankly as I did the same and just when I was about to act like I was heading toward who knows where, you gestured towards the seat opposite you and said,

 

“It’s okay. You can take a seat here if you want to. I’m about to leave anyways.”

 

I nodded my head and walked over to that seat, putting down all I had. I thanked you before I sat down and you nodded your head and smiled at me before taking a sip of your drink. As you drank your can of coke, I took a look at you in between my slurps of ramyun. Your long hair was tucked behind your ears and the sleeves of your gray hoodie covered your hands. It looked cute when you held your can of coke and the only thing I could see were those long sleeves covering your hands. Did I think you were pretty? Well at that moment I wasn’t sure and to be honest, I didn’t think much about it. I guess I was more concerned about finishing up my bowl of ramyun and filling up my empty stomach.

 

“Is it that nice? I’ve never tried that flavour before.”

 

I glanced up from my bowl and saw you looking timidly at me waiting for my reply. I guess I was confused for a second because I never expected you to talk to me. Maybe that’s why I turned to look behind me before looking puzzlingly back at you.

 

“Ah am I disturbing your meal? Sorry. I was just wondering what it tasted like.”

 

You gave me an apologetic expression followed by a warm smile and I felt flustered for not replying to you.

 

“No it’s okay. I just thought you weren’t speaking to me. It’s a nice flavour, my favourite actually. You should really give it a try.”

 

I gave an awkward laugh and then I popped open my own can drink because I felt like I had to hide my face because that laugh was embarrassing and why did I even make that sound?

 

“You make it look really delicious though. I feel tempted to buy it now.”

 

And then she laughs. A short sweet kind of laughter unlike my awkward one. Her laugh made it seem like we were friends hanging out and having a drink after a long day. On that gloomy night, it felt refreshing. Like a gentle breeze passing by as I walk down the chilly streets late at night. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating everything? But I had no doubt that her laugh was the thing that captivated me. I didn’t know it was going to be a trap and even if I knew would I have avoided it though?

 

Was that it? Was that the start of the lie? Her laugh. Did it draw me in and refused to let me out?

 

Maybe that was it. Maybe I was captivated by that laugh thus I somehow blurted out a sentence without giving much thought to it.

 

“Would you like to try some?”

 

At first she looked a little stunned and I would have felt the same if a random stranger asked me the same thing. I guess she wasn’t expecting the offer and truth be told I didn’t expect myself to do that either. But it would have been weird to take back my words so I just looked at her and gestured my chopsticks to her.

 

“Oh really? You’ll let me taste it for real?”

 

“Yeah. I mean unless you don’t want to then it’s okay. But you’ll regret it cause this flavour is really really nice.”

 

She looks at me and I merely nodded my head to say ‘go ahead’ as I push the bowl of ramyun towards her. She hesitates before taking the chopsticks from my hands and with one final look at me for confirmation, she took two slurps from my bowl of ramyun. She pushes the bowl back to me, handed me my chopsticks and thanked me before downing down her can of coke.

 

“So how is it?”

 

“A little spicy but it’s really good. Especially on a night like this. You have excellent taste my friend.”

 

And she does her little laugh again. And I think that second laughter was the one that pulled me entirely in. At that moment I took a good look at her. Her hair was now untucked and it hung nicely a little below her shoulders. Her gray hoodie looked a little too big for her with its long sleeves. She looked warm and huggable even though her eyes were starting to get a little teary and her nose was starting to turn a light shade of red. She gave a little sniff and her nose got even redder.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine. I’m just not that good at eating spicy food even when they taste really good.”

 

She smiles at me and fans her face by flapping her long sleeves as an attempt to cool it down.

She looked kinda adorable as she did that and I must have smiled a little because she then said,

 

“Is my face really red now? My nose probably looks like a tomato.”

 

I shook my head and pushed my can drink towards her.

 

“Ah no it’s okay. I can just get another coke.”

 

She pushes the can away but I just push it back to her as I say,

“I take spicy really well. Drink it. Your eyes are getting teary.”

 

“Ah really? I told myself I wouldn’t cry earlier, what is this?”

 

She laughs at herself in disbelieved and I’m not sure what to say in response so I just smile at her while she slowly cups the can in her hands and bring it up to her lips.

 

“If you insist then I’ll drink it but I’m going to buy you another can.”

 

I nodded my head in reply and watch as she downs the drink. She finishes it up without stopping to take a breath and thanked me as she placed the can down onto the table. Her phone that was on the table starts to buzz and as she takes a moment to stare at the screen, I take the time to drink up the remaining soup left in my bowl of ramyun.

I drank it all up and with a satisfied sigh, I lightly slammed the bowl down onto the table.

 

“That must have been really good for you to sigh like that.”

 

“It is. I never get tired of it although if I keep eating it I might go bald.”

 

She laughs politely at my lameness and I don’t know why she keeps laughing. I want her to stop doing that actually but I didn’t mind her laughing at me. That’s what I wanted then but now I want her to keep laughing with me instead.

 

“Oh. Your phone keeps ringing. Is it a call?”

 

She takes a look at the screen before flipping the phone onto its cover.

 

“It’s not. I just keep getting messages from this person.”

 

I nod my head in reply and my mind starts to wonder who that person might be just out of curiosity.

 

There was a kind of silence after that. Not the awkward kind but more of a silence of two strangers minding their own business. I was lost in my own thoughts and wondering whether I should go now or should I say something to this girl or should I just sit here for awhile until she leaves instead. As I thought of this, I looked up to take a glance at her and that’s when I notice the tears rolling silently down her cheeks. She happens to glance up at that moment and when she sees me looking, she hastily attempts to wipe away the tears with her sleeves as she remarks,

 

“Oh my gosh. Why am I like this seriously. Ha sorry, I must really look like a loser right now.”

 

“Are you okay? Was the ramyun too spicy? Should I get you another drink?”

 

I blurted out those words without hesitation and after saying all that I realized that I sounded really stupid and there was no way the tears would flow down her cheeks like that all due to the spice.

 

She smiles half-heartedly at me and my stupidity.

 

“Oh no it’s okay. I’m just being dumb. Thanks though. You’re really nice and cute. I expected you to run far away once you saw the tears.”

 

At first, all I heard was the word nice. Only after she finished her sentence did I realized that she had subtly called me cute. I stopped a smile from creeping up my face but to be honest I was flustered at her words.

 

“Unfortunately I am not allergic to tears so I won’t run. And you’re not okay so I’m sorry for asking such a dumb question. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m the dumb one. Thus to make up for it, I shall try my best to make your woes go away. That is if you let me. If you want to that is. I mean you can just ask me to get lost. I’m fine with that too.”

 

Despite her tear stained face, she still gave me a really warm tenderful smile and did her little laugh which made me feel like I would willingly continue with my awkward sentences in order to just hear that laugh over and over again.

 

“Aw you’re really cute. I’m not sure whether I’m crying or laughing now.”

 

“I think the second option is better though.”

 

“I think so too. Ah I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up over this.”

 

“What’s wrong though? I don’t mean to intrude in any way but if it makes you feel better, I’ll listen with no comments.”

 

“Ah why are you so nice. I feel burdenful and annoying now.”

 

“Must be cause you’re crying.”

 

“Okay I take back my words now.”

 

“Eh so you’re weren’t being sincere when you said I was nice? I’m hurt.”

 

“Aigoo. I’m sorry. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met.”

 

“Is this for real?”

 

“Yes. Totally. 100%.”

 

“I’m a 200% kind of guy though.”

 

“Isn’t that stretching it a little too far?”

 

“You can make up for the other 100 by telling me what’s bothering you.”

 

“Nooo. You’ll find me even more annoying than this.”

 

“It’s okay. I might never meet you again so I can stand this short amount of annoyingness for now.”

 

“So you admit that I’m annoying?”

 

“If you won’t let me attempt to awkwardly comfort you and fail than yes you are.”

 

“Okay I’m only telling because you insist. So like any typical girl you meet on the streets crying, I had a fight with my boyfriend.”

 

“Ah and here I thought it was all because of a bowl of spicy ramyun but okay go on.”

 

“Wow it feels really weird to talk about this to a guy I just met but the reason why we fought was because I unintentionally avoided him only because I wasn’t paying attention to my phone and I was doing something else for about 3 hours. And I only checked it after those 3 hours only to find out that he had been waiting to pick me up for 2 hours or so. Even though I told him not to. And when I finally met him, he was cranky and sulky and just being frustrating. So I asked if he wanted to go somewhere to eat but he just shrugged so I suggested just going home and he got mad at me because he had waited for me. Then I got frustrated because like bruh nobody told you to and I know its a caring gesture but if you’re going to be like this then you’re making it hard for me to see it as a caring gesture right? So I told him to speak up and tell me. Tell me what he wanted to do right now. And then he got mad at me because he assumed I was pissed at him which I told him I wasn’t. I was just frustrated that’s all and so I just wanted to talk things out right now. But he said I was being a b*tch and he wondered why he even bothered and then he left just like that. I called him a few times but he didn’t answer. And then I got frustrated and hurt but I only texted him saying to make sure he ate dinner and to make it home safely. After all that I’m left here on my own fighting my own thoughts and thinking about the things he said and whether it’s all true. Am I ungrateful? Do I not care enough? Am I a b*tch? But he did the one thing I hated the most though. He left me there even though he knew about it. The one thing I can’t stand is to have someone walk out on me just like that after a fight or a disagreement. It feels like I’ve been abandoned, like I’m not worth enough for that person to stay which is why I’m left behind like that. Makes me feel like I’m never enough, like I’m something that can be thrown and forgotten till the next day. And for thinking that way I feel like I’m a selfish motherf*cker. But can’t I have the rights to be hurt by something like that? Is it that easy for someone to just throw me aside and walk away? Ahhh I really don’t know why I’m bothering you with all this. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Nah it’s okay. Though as I expected, I’m not of much help to you in this situation. But I can ensure you that you have every right to be hurt and to feel that way. Your boyfriend can’t expect you to be happy with every single thing he does. He needs to learn to respect your words and not hurt you with his own. Maybe he needs to take your words more seriously and be more aware of the fact that a relationship is a two-way thing. He can’t expect you to go with whatever he does and he can’t expect to settle things without communicating. I mean like I don’t know anything but I feel like he should do that.”

 

“Oh. It feels like you’re an expert in this field. How many girlfriends in distress have you saved?”

 

“Congrats, you’re my first customer and hopefully my last cause I at this.”

 

“No you don’t. You give good advice honestly. But where’s the bad remarks targeted at me?”

 

“I’m your supporter so I’ll always be on your side. Why would someone leave you behind? That’s a no-no.”

 

“Aw you’re too nice to me. I honestly feel maybe half better now?”

 

“Half-better?”

 

“Yes cause it’s not a little but half.”

 

“That’s good. I thought I was going to make you cry even more with my lousy words.”

 

“Your words aren’t lousy. Those were the most comforting words I’ve heard all night. And it’s from a person I barely know so that makes it even more meaningful. I ranted to you without knowing your name even. It might be too late but what’s your name besides Mr Nice guy?”

 

“Ah I’m touched. And my name is Park Jimin.”

 

“Annyeong Park Jimin-ssi. I’m….”

 

The sound of a motorcycle stopping in front of the convenience store cuts her off as both she and I turn to look at the vehicle.

 

My first impression of him was that he was tall. I could see the long legs he had been blessed with as he got off the motorcycle. I guess he looked pretty cool and when he took off his helmet, I had to admit that he was good looking despite the arrogant face. I could also see why he was your boyfriend. He looked like the type of guy that you would date. Cool, tall and handsome plus he had a freaking motorcycle.

 

You stared at him as he made his way towards the table but you made no move towards him.

 

“Who’s this?”

 

Ah what did I expect? Of course your boyfriend had a deep gruff voice that made me feel insecure about my own voice.

 

“A really nice friend.”

 

I was touched that I was being acknowledged as a friend but the look her boyfriend gave me made the atmosphere a little too chilly. If it wasn’t for her sitting opposite me, I would have probably bolted out of the situation as fast as I could.

 

“Ah I see. I’ve been trying to call you. Why didn’t you pick up?”

 

“Same reason why you didn’t when I called you after you left.”

 

So the atmosphere felt really tense at that moment and I just wanted to leave but I couldn’t find the right timing to do so. I wanted to walk out of there undetected and be gone without a trace left behind but it seemed pretty difficult to do that. Maybe if I had just left that situation right there and then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck in my current situation.

 

“Babe I know you’re hurt.”

 

“I know I’m hurt too but who’s your babe though?”

 

I was trying to be invisible and non-existent but your words made me look at you and your stone cold face gave me chills. Not the kind your boyfriend gave me though.

You had attitude and I think that fact made me liked you even more. I guess I got attracted to that.

 

“Let’s not be like this okay? Can we just talk it out?”

 

“Sure. I mean we’re an hour late but let’s talk.”

 

“Can we go somewhere else to talk?”

 

“What’s wrong with here? It’s not like Jimin doesn’t know everything already.”

 

When I heard my name I jumped a little and looked at her while pointing at myself in bewilderment. I then did the mistake of looking at her boyfriend in the eyes and he looked pissed off, weary and done with either me or her. Felt like it was me but I wasn’t quite sure.

 

“Can we just talk in private? You’re tired, I’m tired so let’s not do this please.”

 

I expected you to retort back something sarcastic to him but you said fine and grabbed your phone from the table. I got ready to say goodbye casually to you as you walked towards him but then you stopped midway and turned to me instead.

 

“I’m sorry for being so burdenful to you tonight but I’ll make it up to you and buy you the drink I owe you kay? So if it’s okay with you, can you just key in your number real quick?”

 

She says this so innocently despite the tense situation we were all in and the fact that she was asking me for my number totally caught me off guard. I tried to use that as an excuse for why I immediately keyed in my number into her phone without any hesitation.

 

“Thank you so much for today. Let’s meet up soon.”

 

She smiled and waved goodbye to me cheerfully somehow and I do the same but warily and awkwardly. She walks off towards her boyfriend’s motorcycle while he looks at me with a confused expression. I probably just gave off the same expression. She got on the bike and slaps away his hands as he attempts to help her put on the helmet.

 

He put his own helmet on with his visor up. He looked at me with a cold but blank expression like he couldn’t be bothered by me but I knew what he meant. It was like a guy’s instinct to sense something like that. He was telling me to back off. He then pulls his visor down, starts the engine and drives off.

 

I guess that was my first warning.

I didn’t take it seriously enough though.

 

When I got back home, I told Hoseok all about it. I expected at least some constructive comment from him but all he had for me was,

 

“What ramyun did you buy?”