I may regret leaving you (but it's because I love you)
Time Lapse
*I recommend listening to Because I love you by Wendy and Fire by Taeyeon for this chap.
“Where is she?”
Several heads look up, all eyes widening at the sight of the famous actress Park Joy in a simple white V-neck tucked in skinny jeans that hugged the right curves of the model-esque body, partially hidden under the black coat the tall woman is sporting.
Joy taps her feet impatiently as more than ten pairs of eyes stared at her in both awe and disbelief. It’s not everyday that they’ll get to see one of the hottest stars in a club addressing them when none of them has personal connections with the actress.
She lets the moment pass, the silence between her and the staffs stretching, the loud music of the club on the background filling the air.
When no one spoke after 5 more seconds, she repeats the question, her voice now coated with impatience and annoyance.
(Joy knows she’s beyond gorgeous. She expected more from the still struck staffs though. They should’ve been used to it by now, what with seeing idols and one of their MCs every week.
But then she can’t really blame them for revering in her almighty presence.)
“Uhm…who’s she, Joy-ssi?”
“Irene.” She almost sighs the name. Finally someone replies to her. “I’m asking for Irene-unnie.”
The name probably brought them back to Earth because understanding fill their eyes. It’s known knowledge that rising star Park Joy is really close with the popular model-slash-Music Bank MC Bae Irene.
Of course, that explains why Park Joy is talking to them now.
“Joy-ssi.”
Before anyone answers her a tall man approaches the table, almost immediately the staffs smile as if in relief. Joy turns and is greeted by the ever present smile of Park Bogum, Korea’s ideal boyfriend with his pretty boy look, outstanding acting skills and angel-like personality which made everyone in the peninsula fall for him.
Except for his co-host. Joy scoffs in her head. She knows the many attempts of Park Bogum to court Irene but gets shot down every time.
Truthfully, Joy has nothing against the guy. He is a good man, sincere with his actions, kind to a fault. A gentleman with a warm smile and good looks to boot, and Joy won’t doubt that he’d treat Irene like a princess that he proclaims her to be.
But Joy doesn’t like how persistent he is on pursuing Irene despite being turned down many times whether it be directly or indirectly. Although sincere with his actions, Park Bogum isn’t quite aware that his advances cause a slight discomfort to his obviously taken co-host.
(“Do you want me to do it for you?”
Joy had asked her unnie one day when a text came during one of their lunch dates.
With a frustrated sigh, Irene had said, “Can you?”
“Sure. I’ll just show him that picture of you and Seungwan-unnie making out. Let’s see how church boy reacts then.”
Irene had squealed then, slapping Joy in the arm but nevertheless laughed.
Joy should’ve went with that plan.)
“Bogum-ssi.” She nods, acknowledging him. “Have you seen Irene-unnie?”
The smile falls for a second and Joy narrows her eyes at pretty boy when he says Irene is currently in the bar, drinking alone.
“What do you mean drinking? Like drinking juice?”
She knows she sounds ridiculous, especially that they’re in a club, but this is Irene they’re talking about. Bae Irene who doesn’t drink during functions and after-parties because she isn’t dumb; she knows that she can’t trust everyone, there are people who take advantage of women in their drunken state and Irene isn’t an exemption. In fact, Irene would be the first, the model the subject of countless desires.
“Ah no. I think noona ordered a margarita? She was on her third glass and—“
“Third?!” Her voice pitches high and Park Bogum winces.
Third, he says? For goodness sake Irene even despises simple ol’ classic beer and now this guy is telling her that his co-host is drowning her third margarita? Ridiculous!
“And you left her at the bar alone?” If it isn’t the hiss coming from her gritted teeth then it must be the realization of what might happen the moment he left Irene alone at the bar because Park Bogum suddenly paled under dim lights.
“Men.” She scoffs as anger quickly bubbles in her chest. She’s about to turn when the frantic voice stopped her.
“W-wait Joy-ssi! Irene-noona told me to leave her a-alone. She looks like she’s in a bad mood a-and I don’t want to anger her more. I-I thought she needed space, the argument earlier was—“
“Argument? What argument?”
“W-With composer Kim Yerim.” Bogum continues to tell her that it’s Yerim who suddenly barged in the waiting room after another successful live broadcast and that the two had a talk in a vacant where after a few minutes the composer walks out, expression grim and eyes blazing. Irene comes out after a few more with furrowed brows and glassy eyes.
Confusion washes over her as she struts to the bar, leaving Bogum who insisted to go with her but backs away immediately after seeing her glare.
God, how annoying. The one time Irene needs him and he left her side.
Joy knows Bogum isn’t entirely at fault. He is being pushed away by the model.
But still, she thinks, if it was Wendy-unnie, she’d never—Ah…
Maybe that’s why Bogum can never really pass to Joy’s standard for her model-unnie. There’s already someone much gentler, much more caring, much more perfect for Irene.
There’s already someone who opens the door for Irene and holds her hand when she’s wearing heels. Someone whose whole face seems to smile when she does, nose scrunching and dimples showing, and Joy knows that that person treats Irene like she has the world in her hands.
If it’s her Wendy-unnie, she would never leave Irene’s side in that situation no matter what the latter says. Never.
Joy sees Irene in the bar, sitting in the corner, staring at her half-empty glass of swirling blue cocktail. She clicks her tongue when she sees two men attempting to approach Bae Irene.
She fastens her steps and slips right next to Irene before giving a glare at the two men.
Don’t you even dare.
In a second they swerve back to their tables, tails between their legs. Joy knows how she can be very intimidating after starring as the main villain in her previous blockbuster film.
“Sooyoung?”
Joy turns to her surprisingly unsurprised unnie. She takes a glance at the drink in the model’s hand, a strong fruity aroma from it as well as the piercing smell of alcohol.
She scrunches her nose, not liking the strength of the drink (and the way Irene’s timid voice addressed her by her real name in public because it was never Sooyoung, she is Joy whenever outside; Irene knows that better than anyone).
She remembers Park Bogum mentioning about a third glass. Does Irene want to be smashed tonight?
“Come Syoung, join me!” The model slurs, a bright, childish grin present on her face. “They have a drink that turns green, I think you’ll like that. My treat!”
If this is any other time, Joy would have taken the offer, but one look at the light blush across Irene’s cheeks and the increasing amount of eyes they’re attracting, Joy decides they need to get out of the place.
She doesn’t want any weird pictures of her and Irene circulating the internet.
(Joy scowls again. Of all places why did they pick a club? Can’t they have Irene and Park Bogum’s farewell party in a normal bbq restaurant?)
She stands closer to the older, lightly shaking her head when the bartender attempts to take her order before lightly tapping the glass in Irene’s hand.
“You might want to tone down unnie. That gives you quite a punch more than you expect it to be.”
Irene just hums in response, swirling the blue concoction slowly, eyes boring holes at it.
They don’t talk for seconds, Joy only observing Irene who she assumes is probably tipsy, if not drunk, right now.
Suddenly Irene chuckles, whispering as she swishes it slightly more powerful this time and the whole drink almost spills on the counter.
“This tastes horrible. It’s my fifth glass and it still is. Horrible.”
“Then why order it?” Joy asks, frowning at not only the wet counter but also the fact that her unnie isn’t holding her third but in fact her fifth martini glass. As Irene’s never been a fan of strong alcohols, there is no way the older isn’t intoxicated.
When Irene lifts the glass up for a refill, Joy immediately stops her.
“Unnie.”
“Don’t stop me, Sooyoung.”
There goes her real name again.
“But you hate that stuff.”
“I didn’t order it for the taste,” Irene says, sighing when Joy still has her hand over Irene’s and with her current state is nowhere as strong as her.
“Then why order it?” She repeats herself and Joy can see Irene physically deflate with the question, slumping in resignation, devoid of any of her celebrity and model poise. It only makes Joy frown more. She hasn’t seen the model this unkept, this unconcerned of her poise, this unattached to ‘Irene’ in public.
But then she hears it. The shaky whisper loud and clear amidst blaring music and loud conversations, and suddenly everything clicks—Irene drinking, the argument, the reason why her dead-tired is currently here with Irene and not her favorite unnie.
Blue liquid spills down the counter.
“Because it’s her favorite color.”
---;---
The drive back to Irene’s apartment is uneventful. The older is quiet, staring at the blurry lights of Seoul as Joy speeds up the empty highway.
It’s already 2 in the morning. It took time saying their goodbyes with the Music Bank staff, took more time refusing—blatantly rejecting—the offers to be driven home.
Joy’s sleepy and tired and moody but the questions that bubbles inside are waiting to be sated so she shuts and ignores her heavily-drooping eyes and presses on the gas more.
The sooner they get to the apartment, the better. With how tired she is, she probably will end up staying for the night. Plus—she glances at the motionless model in the passenger seat, Irene’s shoulders aren’t shaking but Joy caught the shine on the model’s cheek—she can’t leave Irene alone with her current state.
(Joy won’t say it out loud but she probably won’t get any sleep because of how worried she is.)
“Unnie, we’re here.”
Before she could drag Irene inside, the model is already stumbling on her front door, swaying dangerously as she tries to take her stilettoes off.
Joy has half a mind to whip her phone off and film the model as this is a rare scene she can definitely use to blackmail her later on but decides against the idea.
The broken eyes and tear-stained face isn’t good blackmail material.
When Irene almost slips, Joy immediately grabs her elbow, steadying the woman who just chuckles and pushes the help away while saying that she’s fine.
She scowls but relents. Joy takes her shoes off once she’s sure her unnie isn’t going to mindlessly trip on air and is about to take two pairs of fluffy slippers—one green, the other pink—when she notices the numbers on the rack.
Her face darkens seeing one less pair than normal, the resident blue not in sight.
Irene stumbles to her room, Joy following her with anxious steps. Although she’s already formed a conclusion, one which she doesn’t like, the questions in her mind are still killing her.
Why did Yerim get mad at Irene? Why is Irene drinking? Where is her Wendy-unnie?
The last question scares Joy the most.
Where is Wendy? The lack of the woman’s presence awkward in the huge apartment. Where is her unnie? She should’ve been here greeting Joy with a bright smile before fussing over her drunk girlfriend. Goodness, Joy shouldn’t be here, looking after Irene’s drunk , in the first place.
So now where in hell is goddamn Son Wendy?
The question pours out as soon as Irene flops in the queen sized bed, Joy not giving a damn about sensitivity anymore. She’s going to explode if she doesn’t get her answers right now.
“Irene-unnie, where are the blue slippers?”
Irene stiffens for a second before replying, voice muffled through the pillow.
“Yours is green, Syoung.”
As much as Joy loves drama, it doesn’t really apply in real life. She hates confrontations but this situation isn’t something that she could just let go.
“I know.” And Joy doesn’t let her unnie relax back for more than a second when she followed up with the biggest question. “Did something happen?”
“No, nothing happened.” Irene suddenly sits up, face blank, looking and sounding awfully sober a complete 180 from earlier, as she crawls off the bed and to her dresser, fumbling through her sleep wears, throwing articles of clothing in the air.
‘With the way you’re acting it’s not just nothing, unnie.’ Is what Joy wants to say but she keeps it to herself as she continues to watch Irene, the ultimate neat freak, wreak havoc on her closet, her now littered floor receiving the brunt of it.
It takes Irene a few more moments before stopping and Joy only blinks when the older roughly strips out of her fancy (and very expensive) dress and pulls an oversized blue hoodie over her head followed by a pair of dark shorts.
Only then does Irene calms down. Joy sees the way Irene breathes in deeply, almost scares her when it took seconds for Irene to exhale, and then the older girl’s rigid shoulders relaxed.
(Joy bits another set of words hovering over the tip of her tongue for the nth time that night. That’s Wendy-unnie’s.)
Irene walks back to her bed, ignoring Joy’s burning stares.
“You’re probably tired. Thanks for picking me up. Sleep at the other room, Sooyoung, it’s late.”
Joy doesn’t reply nor move in her spot. Irene continues to shuffle in her bed, Joy continues to burn Irene with her stares.
When Irene finally settles down she says again.
“Go to sleep, Sooyoung.”
“You’re not telling me anything.”
“There’s nothing to tell—“
“Where’s Wendy-unnie?”
Silence. It stretched on for minutes and Joy’s almost convinced that Irene has fallen asleep if it isn’t for the curled fists, knuckles turning white as Irene grips on her duvet.
“She’s not here.”
“Joohyun-unnie—“
“Seungwan and I broke up.”
Joy freezes in her spot, scowl forming as she tries to internalize what Joohyun has said. She anticipated this kind of answer, even has an inkling on the reason of the breakup, but it doesn’t stop her chest from rattling.
“It’s my fault.” Joohyun adds.
And Joy almost verbally agrees. She doesn’t mean that in her unnies’ relationship Joohyun loved less. No it isn’t about that.
Joy knows because she’s been there since day one, been there to witness the diabetes inducing sweetness unfold on their way to building a relationship. Joy knows, she’s seen Irene look at Seungwan like she’s presenting her the universe and no one with eyes can deny especially if they see the smile the model gives when they’re in the privacy of their friends, away from flashing lights and judging eyes.
No, it isn’t about that. Joy repeats in her mind.
But it’s also everything about that.
Joy knows that between Seungwan and Joohyun, it is the latter that’s more insecure of their relationship. And she doesn’t judge the model because Joy knows firsthand how terrifying it is being a queer celebrity as she’s also in the front line in the entertainment world. Especially now that Joohyun has been slowly building up recognition abroad, her brand index soaring past famous idols and cf’s keep coming in, her name and face slowly filling up the streets of MyeongDong.
Bae Irene is at the top of her game and the feeling of being exposed, of losing what she’s worked hard of so far, terrifies her.
Joy understands that, she really does, but it doesn’t mean that it’ll stop the disappointment coursing in her veins.
“I did it. I was the one who called things off a week ago when she came over. You were at Prague that time. Yerim went back home. We had a confrontation and we—I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore. We exchanged hurtful words a-and I…and I…”
Seeing the older forcing herself to tell Joy, monotone voice spilling out robotically only to crack in the end, about the break-up is making her head spin. Her mind isn’t ready for this. She’s sleep deprived, still curing a jet-lag. She expected to fetch Irene and drive her home then maybe go back to her flat to catch some well-deserved sleep or even have a sleep over since it’ll be too late. Not this.
Joy pushes down the rumble in her chest as she presses her fingers against her temple, feeling it throb painfully along with her eyes. Not this.
“…I slapped her.” Joohyun continues, this time her voice a whisper, the rasp in the end of her sentence conveying all the regret and Joy snaps her head back to the older, disbelief in her whispered “What?”
A bubble in her chest forms.
How can Irene—how can Joohyun—do that? To her Wendy-unnie who does nothing but be a martyr as she continues to accept and respect Joohyun’s decision to hide their relationship.
Joy doesn’t say anything about their relationship. She believes things like that are for the couple to talk on without any pressure from an outside party. But she knows when enough is enough. She does not only see her Joohyun-unnie struggle hiding her identity, she’s also seen her Wendy-unnie hide unshed tears whenever her hugs aren’t reciprocated or when the older breaks away from her hold every time someone else comes into their private room. And now Joohyun’s telling her she did not only bitterly break up with her but she also had slapped Wendy?
No wonder Yerim was furious. Joy;s starting to see red.
“What—How…How could you? Do you even know how much she loves you?! Wendy-unnie could have a normal relationship with anyone she wanted but she chose you and respected your decision not to come out when it’s obviously hurting her more than she lets on!”
“I know.”
“No you don’t!” Joy is seething. She can feel hot tears pooling in her eyes as her chest constricts in a painful way. How can someone proclaim that she loves a person and still hurt her?
“If you do, you wouldn’t have done that! You wouldn’t have hurt her because all she did was ing love you! Wendy-unnie ing loved you so much she’d sacrifice everything for you and you managed to do that to her?! You don’t—“
“I know. I don’t deserve her.” Irene cut her, voice still unimaginably calm and Joy marched to Irene’s side, lividly snatching the blanket that’s hiding Irene, ready to tell to the woman how true she was, how she doesn’t deserve someone like Wendy who’s willing to fight the world for her, only to stop when she sees Irene in a curled up position, small hands cupping , suppressing the sobs, as her petite body trembled, eyes shut but the tears keeps on falling, turning the dark purple patch on her light purple pillow to black.
“I don’t…” Irene heaved, the shaky breaths muffled under pressed hands. “I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve Seungwan. I don’t. I know that, Sooyoung…I-I know that.”
And just like that the fire inside Joy dissolves; the anger dissipating to a crushing sadness as the sobs continues to be filtered and hidden.
“I know that. For years, I’ve always known that. And I’ve been telling myself to let her go because she deserves so much more than a coward who’s afraid of what society would think but I can’t…I can’t do that. She—she’s everything to me, I don’t think I can...without her I cannot…I-I can’t…”
“Unnie.”
Joy gulps down the lump in when she sees the trembling intensify, the stream of tears not stopping. Joy almost couldn’t hear Irene choking before breathing heavily again if she wasn’t beside her and this time Joy slips beside her, pulls the shaking model to her embrace.
“I-I wanted to let her go, I wanted to stand by myself first to s-stop hurting her, b-but I…I ended up—“
“Shh, it’s okay unnie. I’m sorry. I understand. You can stop now.”
Irene shook her head, clutching unto Joy as if she’s her lifeline.
“I-I love her. I love her so much, Sooyoung, it hurts.”
“I know, unnie. I know.”
And she lets her own tears fall because hearing Joohyun, her pillar in life, so weak and defenseless physically hurts her. Something as painful as seeing the strongest person you know trying hard not to break down shouldn’t be so beautiful. But it is. The vulnerability that yanks Joohyun away from being the perfect celebrity Irene is beautiful to look at. It makes Joohyun human, if that possibly makes sense, and Joy thinks it’s beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Only her Wendy-unnie can do this to her Joohyun-unnie. And the same can be said to the former. They're each other's fire and Wendy has managed to swallow up Joohyun's heart, spreading white, scorching it black, that Joohyun has pulled away first before both of them become cloudy smoke. Their love is like that, Joy realizes, bright, painful, blazing, fragile.
She feels her shirt getting wetter every second and she rubs her hand up and down the older’s back when she catches shaky murmurs from quivering lips that shatters her heart being repeated over and over again.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Seungwan. I’m so sorry.”
Joohyun’s sobs fill the night.
Author's note:
This isn't my best chap. I'm having a very hard time writing these past few months to the point that it's frustrating to even open my docs but I wanted to update my fics on this day so I hope you still like it. I had Because I love you by Wendy and Fire by Taeyeon on loop while writing this.
On the other hand, I took the down time to create a twitter account. Approach me there if you have any suggestions, questions or just want someone to talk to. DM me or something luvies @foreverGGtrash . I'm a soft reveluv so i mainly tweet about how whipped I am for them. Let's continue to support our girls this comeback.
So...uhm...happy 4th anniversary wenrenators?
Tell me what you think about wenrene angst.
Love lots,
IcyMushroom09
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