December 18, 2017

I wanted to just erase this day from the calendar.

Nope, not because I want to forget Kim Jonghyun, but rather, I want to take this very date away from him. To protect him from this very tragic day. 

I'm a Shawol who failed big time. Do I still deserve the title of being his fan, a SHINee fan, when all I did was enjoy their music and watch only variety shows and hilarious fancams? When I skipped right through serious interviews because I myself don't like to watch dramas and crying stuffs because I was too chicken to protect myself from sadness?

I don't think so. 

Yet, here I am, still at loss, unbelieving and down in the dumps, all because I was that coward who did nothing to reach out? I am regretting it now. I wished I could have been active at any social media where he was, just so he knows that there is still one more fan who cares greatly. But it was too late, and I know everything my mind has come up about Jong being alive is now wishful thinking. How I dearly wished that we can turn back the time and save him. To save everyone the pain and the sadness and the grief and the depression and all those awful emotions living in every Shawols hearts today. To save his brothers and mother and sister the absolute devastation and heartbreak with his passing. To save the regrets from every Blingers in the world about not being able to save him.

It's kind of lonely now, that I would never be able to see Jjong in the stage again, where he glows so brightly and beautifully captivating. But how can I live with myself now that I know that deep inside his heart, it was darker beyond any darkness, where the abyss meets nothing but pitch black doom? How did it got so bad that we have to live without him now? My heart is broken yet again, and I find solace in his old videos, Old SHINee MVs, and his fancams. I now watch those sad interviews with nothing but tears in my eyes. And as crazy as it gets, I am looking for a complete Blue Night compilation. I just need to hear his voice again. Yes, it brings pain, it stings right where it hurts, but his voice is cure to the brokenhearted ones. I don't know how many times I had his songs on replay, because its just the way I would be able to relive the memories of this beautiful man.

Is it bad to feel this way? To wish that everything be replayed? Why did he have to be called on so soon? It was way, way too early. But, I guess I should not question why he did what he's done. I guess I can only be more thoughtful of others right now, and that is why I want to look out, just like you guys do, for the family, friends and fans he left behind. For the future he paved for everyone. His purpose is not really that done, but I guess he made something so that you and I can do anything about that something. His life was cut short, but I doubt his music would be. That will live longer than the next generations, I'm sure about that. And as long as we remember him, he will not be forgotten. 

Yes, I watched the funeral. And No, I wasn't able to contain the onslaught of tears. I couldn't say goodbye personally. And I doubt if I would have said such a lonely word. I sent him off on my own, but with the words "Let me meet you in the next life". And if fate would not be so cruel for the next lifetimes, I would love to give him a hug and something that would cheer him up, so that this incident will never happen again. 

I love you Jong. You were the first voice I knew of SHINee and until the end, your voice was the first thing I always recognize in every SHINee album. Now, just please rest in paradise. Sorry if I hadn't been that good of a fan. You are dearly missed. I know you're comfy from where you are right now, do you see us from there? Jjong, look after everyone. I know there are just too many of us, but I know you care a lot. 

I want a replay. But if your pain and suffering will come back with that, then just stay where you are right now. I'll deal with this sadness with strength. I love you. Thank you :)