"Thank you."

I can feel my heart clenches upon reading the short text message from him. Forcing a smile to nobody, I type my reply with sincerity, erasing every single expectation to get another message: "you're welcome".

I stare at my phone screen, reading his name over and over again for seconds before letting out a sigh.

Yoon Jeonghan, how many times have I let your very existence confuse me? Countless, I guess.

 

---

 

Do you remember the moments when you met people for the first time?

Perhaps not all, but some might be memorable enough.

Like how your classmate asked for your name on the first day of school, or when a stranger asked for directions and turned out he would be your new colleague at work, or what your first love said to introduce himself.

I still remember the day I met him.

It's Wednesday noon and I was so busy as a secretary at the student organization that I barely ate anything that day. I rushed to attend a technical meeting to discuss about a social event which would involve more departments than usual.

And there he was, in his favorite black jacket, leaning on the wall with his eyes fixed on phone screen. It's still one of his favorite outwears until now. I think I still see him wearing the jacket weeks ago at office despite the fact that he has a number of outwears collection.

I swept the whole room in a gaze before trying to find the person who should be responsible to open the meeting. I never paid attention to him during the whole session since there were so many new faces in room that I didn't recognize. He didn't say a single word at all and, at that moment, both of us were just ordinary students who happened to be in the same room.

The introduction between us happened when my best friend called both of us after the meeting was over. As I expected, he took a different department from mine. His face beamed when our hands met for a handshake.

"Hey, I'm Yoon Jeonghan."

I didn't believe in love at first sight so, no, I didn't fall for him on that day. For me, romantic feeling develops in several stages.

First stage is admiration, like how you admire a singer or an actor. You are attracted to their looks or things they do. You admit there's something about them that makes you feel good or happy.

If it continues, there goes the second stage which is attraction, of which you're curious to know more details about them: hobbies, favorite food, birthday, and eventually how to be in their inner circles.

On this stage, it is where you will find yourself heading to the third stage or not, depending on how they impress you: crush. They become the first person who cross your mind when you have goods news to share. You expect to spend time more with them, even better if it's just the two of you. To put it simple, you wish you're in a relationship with them.

The fourth stage is a little bit complicated for me to give a name. It's between the stage of 'crush' and the stage of 'love', the fifth stage in my dictionary. It's when you will sacrifice things to make the person happy and you can cry when they disappoint you. It's the stage where your heart yearn for them to return the same feeling toward you.

My definition of the final stage of romantic feeling will sound ridiculous or even stupid for some people. However, for me, it's the stage where you wish for the person to be happy. You forgive their mistakes and you cherish the moments of togetherness. It becomes habit for you to try your best to make them smile, to look forward to meet them everyday, to wonder if you have given enough love.

As for Jeonghan, our first meeting somehow got me to start the first stage.

I never imagined myself continuing to the second stage but, sometimes, things happened in a way you never expected them to be.

One moment to another, Jeonghan being himself was the reason I let myself to be attracted to him. A month was enough for him to charm me without any intention to do it.

He barely did anything special, he told me once when we talked about it years ago, so he was surprised when I told him about the simple gestures I remember very well up until today. He would do it for everyone else, he said, being a gentleman.

Remembering his words, I guess I just liked him for being nice without the thought of receiving the favor back. When I mentioned this to him, he let out a small laugh, telling me that once in a while he did have expectation from others as well.

I remembered when he bought me a bottle of water when I mentioned my thirst randomly. The students who were in charge for the meeting gathered at five in the morning but there's nothing to drink or eat. Minutes later, he handed over the drink he just bought, holding another bottle in his left hand for himself.

I'm not really a type who likes to ask for help even when I really need to. This is one of my bad habits, he always tells me.

"You're a normal human being so what if you need any help? Ask for it."

He said that to me last week when I eventually cried due to the pile of tasks that I failed to finish in time. He never agrees that silence is better; everything is better when you talk about it.

That is one of so many other things that we disagree about. Despite how people around label us as best friends for being so close, we actually have more differences than similarities. Then again that is maybe the very reason why we're proud of our friendship.

There was also another moment when he fulfilled his promise to attend an event regardless of how busy he was that day. It was just a joke I made, telling him that he should be responsible to come even if he would be late. He really did come thirty minutes before the event was finished.

"I promised you, didn't I?"

A promise is a very strong word for both of us and there we have our first agreement above everything. Once a promise is made, we will keep it unless an unexpected and uncontrollable situation happens. We still hold onto this even after everything that happened.

Not that we never break promises between the years we knew each other. I did, he did, we did. I made him angry for a couple of times. He made me cried a lot even though he didn't expect the tears.

We don't live in a perfect life of truth. In fact, we're actually very good with lies, we once admitted. It's just we try our best to avoid using that certain 'ability'.

However it was that one moment where I realized my heart skipped a beat for him. Weeks after our first meeting, the committees for social event agreed to spend good time together by watching a concert after class. Minutes before the show started, he's still nowhere to be seen.

Apparently he had an errand to do and his friend sent me his apology. Unconsciously, I expressed my disappointment very clearly on face that the others teased me. I shrugged them, saying that it's shame on him for not being able to attend the concert.

An empty seat was left next to me and I started to ignore the fact that it would still be vacant until the end of the concert. After an hour, someone suddenly sat there and I immediately turned to look at the person.

Jeonghan gave me a confident, teasing smirk while my eyes widened in shock. I asked about his task and all, voicing out how I didn't expect him to be here but my lips formed a curve, an expression of joy.

"Well, they said someone was sulking because I couldn't make it. Lucky me that I could finish my errand in time. Anyway, now that I am here, that someone is smiling though."

For sure he didn't notice the red shades on my cheeks that night. The two of us are just completely clueless when it comes to people showing attraction to us, but we're very good in reading gestures given to someone close to us.

Those were the busy college days. With all the hustle and bustle, my feeling toward him stopped at the second stage as we barely talked after the social event was finished. Once in a while, we passed each other in the hallway, giving polite greetings before heading to our own classes. We continued to walk on our own paths after graduation ceremony.

Sometimes I noticed him online on social media and we exchanged small talk but that's that. I was busy to get myself customized with life as a worker and, the most logical reason, we're not that close yet.

We never met again after graduation until an unexpected encounter on a November afternoon, two years after our first meeting.

It's funny how I still recall the details and how I naturally smile upon the remembrances. He barely remember things for sure; he's never really good with memorization, he always said. I even joked that I could remember things for him. That's what best friends can do for each other, we agreed.

Little did I know at that time, my heart would not stop just on a crush for him.