They don’t even get two hours of sleep before Joy wakes her up, shoving her and yelling, “It’s 6 am, time for breakfast!”

Joy shoves her one last time as soon as she opens her eyes before leaving the hall.

She shuts her eyes once she’s sure Joy won’t come back, almost drifts off to sleep with the distant sound of water running and Yerim and Joy arguing.

But then a shadow looms over her face and she opens one eye only to feel her heart burst at the face staring so closely. “Joy’s about to poison your coffee, I think we need to get going.”

She smiles up at her, stomach warm and butterflies sleepy. “Five more minutes.”

A smile lights up on her lips, and Joohyun finds herself mimicking her. “I would love to but I have no say about this.”

“Seungwan, is she still sleeping?!”

She raises an eyebrow as if to say ‘I told you so’ and Joohyun almost laughs. “Fine, I’m up.”

Seungwan sends her one last half smile, almost shyly, before pushing herself out of Joohyun’s bunk and leaving the hall.

Leaving Joohyun still on her bed, staring up at where the ghosts of Seungwan’s pretty, pretty brown eyes—so sweet and soft compared to the green lenses—and trying to calm her heart.

The butterflies sigh.

 

-

 

Joohyun doesn’t really get crushes. She thinks she’s too old for all that crap, the 26 year old her; but she does know what a crush is, heard too many stories from the crew about how their hearts dance and their stomachs feel like campfires.

She knows about the flame between fingertips so dangerous even fire breathers flinch. She knows about the magical eyes that even Heechul doesn’t know the trick behind. She knows about the heart Boa never knew how to tame.

Victoria once told her the fall is more exhilarating than the first leap you take as a trapeze artist, heart bends in more ways an acrobat can.

Joohyun knows, but she can’t remember the last time she had a crush. She can’t remember the last time she looked into someone’s eyes and saw fire that reminds her of campfire. She can’t remember the last time she touched someone and looked for the trick because that electricity could not have come from skin alone.

But when her eyes meet Seungwan’s gaze from across the table at breakfast, she realizes maybe it’s different for every person. Maybe it’s a leap for Victoria, an untamed heart for Boa, and magical eyes for Heechul; but maybe hers is different.

Maybe hers are butterflies, a new one born every time her heart flutters.

 

-

 

Joy suggests they go around town after breakfast, still half an hour until practice; and Seulgi giddily offers to tour them.

Joohyun an eyebrow at Joy leaning away from Seulgi, almost like she’s scared. But Joy doesn’t notice her, too absorbed by Seulgi’s smile crinkling her eyes.

Joohyun smiles.

“Does it ever occur to you that you act like their mom?”

She glares at Seungwan momentarily, not fighting the smile trying to appear on her lips. “I don’t have a daughter like Joy.”

Seungwan smiles back. “That’s what all moms say about their rebellious first child at some point in their lives.”

“I doubt that’s true…” she trails off, knowing her mother did say that once about her. She brightens her smile, turns it up a notch, ignores the throb. “But… yeah, I do know I sometimes act like a mom.”

Her gaze lifts and lands on the two, shoving each other while bantering, as usual, as Seulgi and Johnny watch amusedly. Her heart warms.

“I think it’s cute.”

And Joohyun thinks that sets her heart ablaze, cranks up the volume of a love song in her stomach prompting the four butterflies to dance like they don’t care if they accidentally elbow her pancreas.

Meeting Seungwan’s sincere but teasing gaze just fans the flame and cranks the volume to maximum, bass thumping against the inside of her belly.

She scoffs, rolls her eyes, and says, “Are you calling me cute?”

This time, it’s Seungwan who looks flustered, swaying back and forgetting to walk as she stares at Joohyun. Then: “Yes,” she answers easily.

She glares, hopes the blush can be mistaken for not-warm, fluffy happiness. “You are, too.”

“Ugh, you’re both just so adorable,” Yerim breaks into their bubble with her usual condescending voice. She smiles sweetly as Joohyun glares at her, because way to ruin the moment, Yerm. She points to the thrift store she’s standing in front of. “Let’s go in.”

She winks obnoxiously at Joohyun before entering the shop, leaving Joohyun and Seungwan within their bubble, some kind of warm air filling it.

Joohyun smiles softly at Seungwan, gestures to the door. “After you.”

Seungwan does the same. “No, after you.”

She raises an eyebrow at the smirk on her lips, wants so bad to wipe it off because that is dangerous territory. Seungwan smiling like that, with her green lenses and her purple hair and in her white t-shirt like she thinks she’s so attractive.

“Thank you, then,” she says sassily, sashaying in the store and leaving Seungwan still bending with her right hand under her left elbow.

She tries to ignore the laugh that flows in through the doors, ignores the butterflies dancing to it.

And just for the record, yes, she is attractive.

 

-

 

Her first impression of Seungwan made her think Seungwan’s some cold Seoul kid who drinks her coffee with either low fat milk or cinnamon or both, who will be taking several language courses on top of her art major courses just because, and who drives a sports car daddy bought her because she can’t drive a pony to school.

That is to say, her first impression of Seungwan is wrong.

Point one: Seungwan doesn’t like her coffee black and made the cutest little frowny face at one sip of the straight black coffee Yerim is into these days. She takes her coffee with just enough milk and sugar to make it feel like fireplace warm in the cold winter.

Point two: Seungwan is scared of riding a horse. She finds out when Joy mentioned the circus horses and the Jung sisters who manage them willing to teach newbies how to ride for a few (hundred) bucks, and Seungwan immediately cowers and says no as Seulgi pouts at the horses being tired and Johnny pulls out his wallet.

Point three: She isn’t an art major, only Johnny and Seulgi are. Her parents let her enroll, but she chose another path. She’s taking med, something about a childhood regret of seeing her grandfather die too young and promising to grow up and be a doctor who could’ve saved him, regret bigger than her passion for music.

But she does speak several languages. She speaks English, Spanish, and French on top of her bubbly Korean.

“Say something in French,” Yerim orders as they walk around the shop, holding a huge black coat in her arms that she’s been begging Joy and Joohyun to buy for her for ten minutes now. “To any one of us.”

Seungwan blinks, gaze brushing against each person’s face. “Do I have to say what it means?” she asks as her eyes find Joohyun’s.

“That takes the fun out of it,” Joy answers.

“Okay…” She looks up, thinking. “I have a phrase… I’ve always wanted to say to someone here.”

“Johnny or Seulgi then, since you just met us,” Yerim interrupts. “If it’s Je t’aime, I will slit your throat.”

Seungwan smiles. “It goes, ‘Tu es la femme de mes revês’.” Her smiles widens as her head sways and her gaze breaks free from Joohyun’s.

Everyone stays silent. Yerim stares blankly at Seungwan as Seulgi stares almost proudly. Johnny for once looks like he’s not itching to leave.

Joohyun feels her heart punching her ribs, cracking them and making them puncture her lungs. A perfectly reasonable explanation as to why she suddenly can’t breathe.

“What does that mean?” she asks softly, because not to assume, but she swears Seungwan said that to her.

The purple haired geek shrugs. “That takes the fun out of it.” She smiles at Joohyun as she takes the coat from Yerim’s arms and walks to the counter.

“That was totally something inappropriate,” Yerim mutters, something soft in her eyes as she watches Seungwan pay for the coat she swore she needed as the magician’s assistant.

The butterflies sneer. Laughs. And the flutter reaches Joohyun’s heart, calms it.

It is totally unfair. Seungwan with her pretty hair and her pretty eyes and her pretty smell and her pretty French speaking tongue. She is totally unfair. The butterflies agree. Seungwan is just too unfair.

 

-

 

The game is rigged.

And by game she means love and rigged as in there is no escaping or winning.

Joohyun doesn’t believe there’s a specific amount of time you should spend together before you can actually fall in love with someone. Yerim fell for Saeron even without spending time together and just flirting back and forth during practice. Boa fell for every child they saved the moment she saw them.

But Joohyun, someone who doesn’t get crushes, thinks it’s too early to be feeling all these fluttering hearts and thumping butterflies.

Maybe it’s lust.

Seungwan does look attractive in her hair, her lenses, and her annoying collection of Nike sports bras that Joohyun saw her unpacking.

Seungwan does do that thing with her tongue where she pokes it out to wet the corner of her lips but lets it stay there—that thing with her tongue where she pokes it out and it somehow pokes through Joohyun’s heart, catches her in a trance.

Seungwan does speak French, and Spanish, two of the iest languages Joohyun knows, right under poetry. And sometimes Seungwan speaks poetry.

Or maybe that’s just Joohyun’s butterflies poisoning her and making her see poetry in Seungwan’s words.

Yes, it must be lust. The aching urge to wipe the smile off Seungwan’s face with her lips, the tremble in her fingertips whenever Seungwan’s skin brushes against hers.

Yes. It is lust.

But then Seungwan sings.

And no other singer comes close. There is delicacy in the way she pronounces the syllables, tongue poking out and tickling Joohyun’s heart. There is passion in her eyes, fingertips on her guitar strings and electricity keeping the music alive.

Kim ing Taeyeon doesn’t stand a chance. Beyonce’s going to quiver at the mention of Seungwan’s name. There is power in her voice, sincerity in her strums, and butterflies reaching Joohyun’s heart.

The melodies cradle Joohyun’s cheeks, plants a kiss on the tip of her nose. Her voice offers a hand, asks for a slow dance.

The iest language Joohyun knows is singing, and Seungwan is so goddamn in eloquent in it.

It isn’t love, nor lust. It’s something way purer than lust, something not as terrifying as love.

Maybe Joohyun should just call it butterflies.

 

-

 

The top of the Ferris wheel isn’t that high. Their rides are miniature, and less intimidating than rides in amusement parks.

Seungwan, who had claimed to hate rides, joins Joohyun in one cabin with a cheesy smile and a “Can I join you, Miss Bae?”

It rolls off her tongue too easily, but Joohyun answers with a “Please, just Joohyun.”

A quirked brow from Seungwan snaps her awake. But before she can take back the Joohyun, Seungwan nods. “Joohyun.”

Music. The name that she was too afraid to use, thought it’d bring her pain, only sounded like music.

She doesn’t complain.

Haechan grins from inside the booth. He presses a megaphone to his lips, staring mischievously at one of the cabins below Joohyun and Seungwan’s. “Pro tip: the sun will set during this batch and if you give me a signal—a simple dab would suffice—I will stop the ride with your cabin on top and you may kiss your crush.”

“What is he even talking about?” Joohyun grumbles, leaning forward to squint at Haechan.

Seungwan laughs. “Seulgi and Joy, probably.”

Joohyun frowns. “Kiss on their second day of meeting?”

“Why do you say that like people can’t start falling for someone within a moment?”

“Because…” she pauses, watches as Haechan motions for one of the crew to start the ride. She grips the railing at the sudden jerk. “Because these things take time.”

“I don’t think the heart knows the concept of time,” Seungwan counters slowly. “This is safe, isn’t it?” she asks as the wheel gains speed.

Joohyun chooses to focus on the second point only. “No accidents since I’ve been here. And I’ve been here sixteen years.”

Seungwan blinks like she knows Joohyun doesn’t have an answer to her first sentence. Then says, “Sixteen years, huh.”

She faces Seungwan with a frown. “I’m pretty sure I told you I joined the circus when I was ten and that I’m turning 26 this year.”

Seungwan flashes her a sheepish smile. “I’m pretty sure I was too sleepy to remember every single detail in the morning.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sleepy?” she almost exclaims, eyes wide and butterflies concerned. “We could’ve went back to the bunks earlier.”

“Because I liked listening to your stories,” Seungwan answers matter-of-factly. “And I like listening to you.”

She looks away, stares at the sun setting in pretty pink dipped in purple and orange. Warm. “You forgot what I said, though.”

“I said pretty sure. I still remember you saying you kept all the drawings Yerim made when she was younger, homeschooled because of the circus and lack of money. I remember you saying the very first party the circus threw was for Joy, who was so sad before her birthday because it was the same month her family died that you begged Kangta to throw her one.”

She doesn’t reply, simply because she doesn’t know what to reply to that. Her palms are sweaty from gripping the railings when she’s not even afraid. Almost signals to Haechan but the wheel stops with them on the second highest point.

She stares at the sunset.

“You have so much affection for them.”

She stares at the sunset.

“And I find that beautiful.”

She stares at the sunset, jaw twitching and butterflies partying. “Gee, keep your adoration to a minimum.”

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Seungwan asks, almost like she’s offended anyone else would think otherwise. “You care for them like they’re your blood related sisters. You have so much love for them, and for this circus.” She adds, after a pause, “Your love is beautiful.”

Joohyun watches the sunset, and Seungwan from the corner of her eye.

Seungwan who’s staring at the sun setting, too, a smile playing on her lips. She looks so amused, so mesmerized. Mesmerizing.

“You’re beautiful, too.” She coughs, clears . “Your love, I mean. Not that you aren’t, of course—”

“Miss Bae Joohyun, stuttering?”

She slaps Seungwan’s shaking arm, sniffs haughtily at her soft laugh. “I mean while you are beautiful—” she adds a wink, and the red that splashes on Seungwan’s cheeks is enough reward, “—your love is beautiful, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you have the purest love for both Seulgi and Johnny. You’re joining the circus because of them, right?”

Seungwan’s eyes light up, like she’s surprised Joohyun remembers. Then she nods. “In a way, yes.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Pretending that wasn’t already a question.”

“Please.” She scoffs. Seungwan laughs. “Why don’t your parents know you’re joining the circus?”

And then Seungwan’s eyes dim.

She looks away, tongue pokes out to her lips as if the question dried her lips just so she can’t answer. She sighs, a faraway look in her eyes.

“You don’t have to answer.”

Seungwan smiles almost thankfully at her. “They just don’t need to know.”

She watches the sunset.

And like the sunset, Seungwan has secrets. The sunset hides all the things people whisper to her when she’s there, a great secret keeper.

Seungwan. Seungwan has secrets, like everyone else does. And if it were merely lust, Joohyun wouldn’t care about the secrets because she doesn’t need to know.

If it were love, Joohyun wouldn’t care about the secrets because she doesn’t need to know.

But they’re butterflies, and Joohyun wants to know the secrets, wants to learn Seungwan, read her like a book and keep her near. Never let her touch the shelf.

Because it’s the butterflies, Joohyun nods, looks away from the sunset to watch its reflection in Seungwan’s irises. There’s the sunset’s secret, the sudden sadness in Seungwan’s eyes.

Seungwan’s secret is within it, too. But the butterflies aren’t smart enough to decipher it.

These things take time.

 

-

 

Two weeks is too little time.

Joohyun learns that night that Seungwan has a favorite park. And somehow her heart aches knowing she can’t possibly learn everything about Seungwan within just two weeks.

The butterflies may work fast, but learning takes time. And it’s slow, dragging, and lifelong.

Joohyun still doesn’t know everything about Joy and Yerim, how can she learn everything about Seungwan?

“I remember Seulgi tried to go down the slide headfirst when this was still a pavement and not sand… she got a broken lip and a fractured nose.” Seungwan grabs a handful of the sand, watches as it escapes through her fingers. “It was the coolest part of our 7 year old lives, her with a broken lip.”

“I remember when Joy cut her lip.”

Seungwan looks up, querying with her eyes. Then her gaze snaps to Joy, Johnny, Yerim, and Seulgi trying to reach the highest point on the swings. All childlike laughter and crinkling eyes.

“She tried to learn how to swallow glass shards,” Joohyun answers, leaning closer to nudge Seungwan. “Cut her lip before the glass was even in and gave Boa the shock of her life. Since then, Eunhyuk and Donghae were forbidden to teach others how to swallow glass shards.”

The corner of Seungwan’s lips lift in astonishment. “The circus is so interesting.”

“It’s fascinating for you, and memories for us.” Joohyun lets out a breath, then inhales the cold midnight air. “It’s when I’m telling others stories about the circus that I realize how much I don’t regret leaving my parents.”

“Because you found a home in the circus, anyway?”

She curls her lip at Seungwan, rolls her eyes. “That is so cheesy.”

She watches Yerim jump out of the swing, right when it’s almost forming a 90 degree angle with the pole the supports it, and then lands on her feet, hands up like a performer. Then adds, “Because I made a home in the circus, anyway.”

“So eloquent, you,” Seungwan says, play punching Joohyun’s arm. Then she stands and offers her hand. “Come go on an adventure with me?”

“Are you being cheesy?”

“No, I’m being playful,” Seungwan argues, rolling her eyes. She extends her hand nearer to Joohyun.

Then a bright grin flashes on her face as soon as Joohyun takes her hand. “Blow me away.”

 

-

 

Seungwan blows her away every time.

On the third night when they brought a blanket to the seaside and fell asleep there, side by side and with smiles on their faces at the stories of their friends that they shared with each other.

On the fifth morning, when Joy dragged them to another diner she claimed serves good food but Seulgi claimed was infamous for having a really cranky old lady as an owner.

Joy, who charms people as easily as she charms wild animals, charmed the old lady and even got Seulgi an extra plate of pancakes for free, some kind of pride in her eyes as she accepted Seulgi’s gratitude.

On the seventh night, when she told Seungwan they shouldn’t stay up late every night and come to practice sleepy every morning, but they still stayed up watching the DVDs they have stored in the tour bus, each in their own blankets as they curled up in the living room.

Seungwan blows her away with the little things. With simple touches that feel like cotton candy on her skin. With soft whispers that sound like the hum of the night air sifting through the trees.

Seungwan.

Seungwan still isn’t sure she’ll stay. On the ninth night.

“What’s stopping you from staying?” Yerim asks, mouth full with chips as the five of them roommates sit squished on the couch and watching The Little Mermaid on the screen.

“My parents,” Seungwan answers.

Seulgi stiffens beside her, hand pauses halfway in the bag of chips. Then she stuffs her hand in and takes a whole fistful, acting like nothing happened.

Joy asks, “What about your parents?”

“They need me.”

A single sentence, with so much love and pain and regret blurring all together.

Suddenly Joohyun doesn’t care about the movie. Suddenly she doesn’t care about the chips falling to the carpet. She doesn’t care about anything else but Seungwan, wants to know what’s making her ache.

“Wanna talk about it?” Joy asks, eyeing Seulgi’s sad eyes instead of Seungwan.

Seungwan takes a deep breath, then sighs. “For brunch tomorrow, do you guys want to eat at our house? After practice?”

The question catches all of the off guard, Seulgi more so than others. Four pairs of wide eyes stare at her as she stares at Sebastian prodding Eric to kiss the Ariel, nods along to the song.

“The obvious answer is yes,” Yerim exclaims, making Joy shove her. “What? Aren’t you curious?”

“You don’t have to be so obvious about it!”

Seungwan snorts, shaking her head. “My mom makes the best egg rolls.”

Joy swirls. “The answer is obviously yes.”

Seungwan laughs, shakes her head once more. Seulgi watches her, pursed lips and concerned. Her gaze lands on Joohyun, questioning.

If it were lust, she wouldn’t care. If it were love, she wouldn’t care.

But the butterflies pull at the veins controlling her tongue, makes her repeat Joy’s words, then forces her to smile.

“The answer is obviously yes.”

 

-

 

What happens is this: Seungwan follows her out the tour bus in the middle of the movie, looks like she regrets asking everyone to have breakfast with her.

And Joohyun just extends her hand, offers some company.

“I just wanna say… I really want to stay with the circus.”

Joohyun nods, lets her hand fall to her side.

“And that’s mostly because you’ve been amazing company these past few days. And, well… I think it’s because we spent so much, uh, vulnerable, I guess, midnights together… but I think I kinda like you.”

She blinks, fights against the butterflies forcing her to kiss Seungwan. “We’ve only known each other nine days.”

“I’ll only be in the circus for fourteen days,” Seungwan counters sadly, taking a hesitant step forward.

These things take time.

“But… but these things take time, Seungwan.”

Seungwan steps back, keeps her hands behind her back as she shifts her weight between her two feet. “I’m only saying this because I will regret not telling you when the circus leaves. And… these things take time, yes. But who said time should be long?”

“They’re butterflies, Seungwan.”

Recognition flashes in Seungwan’s eyes. “So, you feel them, too?”

“Because I was Little Big Mouth,” she answers, looking away. The air suddenly feels too cold.

“How many did you swallow?”

She pauses, bounces on her feet. “One.”

“And how many are there, now?”

She sighs. “Four.”

Seungwan takes a step forward. “I never swallowed a butterfly, but there are no less than thirteen soaring in my stomach every time you look at me with those eyes. Do you know what I told Seulgi the day we went to your practice and you landed right in front of us?”

“What?”

“Whoever looks into your eyes too long will have a hell of a difficult time trying to not fall.” She takes Joohyun’s chin, makes her face her. Stares into her eyes. “Fourteen days is too long to avoid those.”

“It’s just the butterflies—”

“Let the butterflies have what they want,” Seungwan whispers before leaning closer, eyeing Joohyun’s eyes and, at the subtle lifting of Joohyun’s chin that Joohyun didn’t even realize she was doing, she closes the gap.

And then electricity. Lips so soft they feel like air, but so powerful they gut punch her and wake the butterflies from their rest.

Her ears ring, the sound of the waves crashing so loud behind her. She hears the flutter of wings, feels herself pulling Seungwan closer, and the wings flutter harder.

Kissing Seungwan makes the butterflies rip themselves into two. Eight of them swarming around her stomach, making kissy faces at each other as Joohyun feels electricity from Seungwan’s tongue.

The air is cold but Joohyun’s not affected because Seungwan is fire keeping her warm. Seungwan’s lips are fire.

Joohyun will kiss them again and again, let her own lips turn to ash. Let the dust be carried by the wind, made to look like ‘maybe it’s not the butterflies’ in pretty pink cursive letters.

Seungwan kissing her lips is kissing the fire away, healing the third degree burns. The butterflies sigh, lean into each other and watch, smiles proud on their faces.

Kissing Seungwan is magical.

 

-

 

The next morning, Seungwan greets her with a soft smile. Hesitant.

So she asks, to lift the mood, “We just kissed yesterday, Wan, and you’re bringing me to your parents?”

This catches Joy’s attention, obviously. She swirls to stare at them from the kitchen, a sandwich halfway to . “What?”

“She said they just kissed yesterday,” Seulgi tells her, unfazed, as she passes by Joy, hair still wet and in a towel.

Joy shoots her a glare, but it softens as soon as Seulgi smiles at her. “You’re okay with this? I mean, Seungwan’s your best friend, isn’t she?”

“You talk like you didn’t kiss Seulgi on the Ferris wheel,” Yerim quips, raising her cup of coffee to her sinister smirk. She winks before taking a sip.

At that, both Joy and Seulgi busy themselves with their own light breakfasts before what must be a feast in Seungwan’s place, both blushing madly and avoiding any eye contact.

Yerim rolls her eyes. “You high schoolers disgust me,” she grumbles before taking another sip of her coffee. She turns to Joohyun. “So, why did you kiss?”

“Should there be a reason?” Joohyun asks sweetly, staring at her reflection in the mirror and dissecting her outfit.

What is a person supposed to wear to brunch, anyway?

Seungwan walks past her and whispers, “You look great,” before entering the kitchen to nudge Seulgi and grin teasingly at her.

Joy looks up, something tells Joohyun it’s only so she can look away from Seulgi and Seungwan. “So, you have a crush?”

“It’s not a crush,” she answers before she can think, prompting four pairs of eyes to stare quizzically at her. She clears , attempts a smile that doesn’t look too nervous or too happy. “It’s called butterflies.”

 

-

 

Seungwan’s house is nothing less than what Joohyun imagined: all white walls and marble everywhere with a huge TV in the living room. Joohyun, who is comfortable with the cramped space of the tour bus, with the cramped space she shares with just the right amount of people, feels so small.

Seungwan looks at home. As if she could fill the whole place and it’s the only place she wants to fill, she’s not afraid to fill.

Johnny and Seulgi look almost as at home as she does, shoulders not shrinking at the amount of empty space.

But the dining room is full. A long table with several seats, three of them taken when they walked in. There wasn’t a feast; just some waffles and bacon and egg rolls, coffee mugs filled almost to the brim with the steam rolling off and making the place smell like warmth.

It isn’t a feast, it’s a family breakfast.

Seungwan takes a seat in front of her sister, pulls Joohyun next to her so she can sit next to her. Seulgi is in front of Joohyun, Joy beside her, and Yerim in front of Joy. Johnny sits at one end of the table, looking like the head of the family with Seungwan’s parents siting across each other.

The air is stiff for a few moments, but then Seungwan’s mother speaks, “You’re all from the circus?”

Yerim nods. “We are. Uh, I’m a magician’s assistant, Joy tames a tiger, and Irene is a trapeze artist.”

Seungwan’s mother’s eyes glisten as she leans against the table. “Really? You still have shows left, don’t you? I wanted to watch a show, but Seungwan here said she thought it wouldn’t be that good and that I shouldn’t waste my money.”

“I’m offended,” Joy says, glaring at Seungwan.

“If they went to see the show they would’ve found out I joined the circus, Joy,” Seungwan reminds her.

Joy shrugs, leans back against her chair. “Still offended.”

“Seungwan here was afraid we won’t let her join the circus,” Seungwan’s mother informs them, looking gently at Seungwan. “She thinks we don’t want her to go study art or something.”

“It’s not that…” Seungwan mutters, playing with the sausage on her table.

Seulgi quips, “She won’t be joining us for the rest of the tour, though.”

“Oh?” Seungwan’s father raises an eyebrow at Seungwan, then at Seulgi. “So, only you and John, then? Seungwannie won’t be ticking ‘join the circus’ off her bucket list?”

“I kinda already did, dad.”

“Why don’t you go with them, Wan?” he asks.

“Because.” She raises her eyebrows pointedly, as if to make a point no one else knows about. Then she turns to her mom. “Seulgi’s learning how to breathe fire.”

Her mother catches the silent plead to change the subject easily. Her eyes widen as she twists to stare at Seulgi. “Really, dear? Your father must be so amazed.”

Seulgi smiles up cheekily at her. “Yeah, they went to see me perform last Thursday. My brother brought a banner with all pictures of me sleeping that he has.”

“Ah, always the sweet boy,” Seungwan’s sister quips, rolling her eyes. “How ‘bout you, John? What do you do?”

“They let me join a dance troupe.”

Seungwan’s father tears his gaze away from Seungwan, then squints at Johnny. “Why don’t you learn how to, uh, jump through hoops with fire? Or be a comedian? Didn’t you want to be one? You’ve got the looks, humor’s the only thing missing.”

Johnny sighs, lets his hands fall to each side of his plate. “Why do you guys always have to attack me?”

“Kid, I was the one who played baseball with you after your father died. I have every right to attack you.”

Johnny smiles, cuts his eggroll with his fork. “Fine, dad.”

Seungwan’s father turns to the guests. “We all live in this same street. It’s a good community and when we have barbeque parties it’s almost like the whole extended family’s here except they’re all just neighbors.” As an afterthought, he adds, “Which is the second closest thing.”

“You should’ve seen little Johnny giving little Seungwan cheek kisses and little Seulgi roses,” Seungwan’s mother swoons, smiling sweetly at them. “It was the most adorable sight. Adult Johnny, Seungwan, and Seulgi blushing madly—” she waves a finger pointing to the three of them ducking their heads, “—every time it’s mentioned is a close second.”

“That must’ve been so cute,” Joohyun speaks for the first time. Seungwan looks up at her but she avoids her gaze. “If you had it your way, would you want Johnny to be with Seungwan?”

All pairs of eyes are staring at her, and she resists the urge to shrink.

Seungwan’s mother shrugs. “I want whoever Seungwan wants… uh, what was your name?”

“Joohyun,” she answers, eliciting incredulous looks from both Joy and Yerim. “Bae Joohyun, ma’am.”

“Please, call me Ma.” She gestures to Seulgi and Johnny. “That’s what they call me. Mom is reserved for Seungwan and Seunghee. So is dad, so you can call my husband Da.”

Joohyun shrinks. “I—we just met.”

Seungwan’s mom scoffs. “Who put a timer on being comfortable?”

These things take time. But Joohyun shrugs. “I just—”

“You shouldn’t time everything, Joohyun. Let them be.”

Seungwan eyes Joohyun softly, a hint of a smile on her lips as Joohyun meekly nods at her mother.

Then, Yerim speaks, “Yeah, Joohyun. Thank you for these eggrolls, Ma, they’re the best tasting eggrolls I’ve ever had. Seungwan wasn’t lying.”

“Seungwan can’t lie,” Seunghee muses almost exasperatedly. “Got me in trouble way too many time for not lying.”

These things take time. But maybe time doesn’t have to be long. She looks at Seungwan bickering with her sister over the many times they’ve been caught because none of them can lie.

And then at Seulgi and Joy, who are sending each other hushed smiles and sitting way too closely together.

And at Yerim. It didn’t take her three days to fall for Yerim when she first met her, to take her as her own and promise she’d take care of her the rest of her life, protect her from all evil and knee cuts.

Then at Seungwan again, and it isn’t lust. Might not be love.

But she suddenly doesn’t care about her secrets, suddenly accepts her just for who she is.

Suddenly, eight butterflies aren’t enough to explain it.

 

-

 

“Seungwan’s staying for me,” Seungwan’s dad tells her as he takes a seat beside her on the backyard table. He smiles at her, looking young with his smile but his eyes are obviously aged.

She blinks. “What, sir?”

His smile turns amused at the ‘sir’. “She’s staying because I’m sick. She’s becoming a doctor because I’m sick. Same as my father’s sickness… I have bipolar type 1 and the mania is something that scares everyone and myself. It’s the mania that killed my father.”

She purses her lips, wonders why he’s telling her this. Wonders why she’s listening.

“He went car racing and drove himself to a wall.”

“That’s— I don’t know what to say.”

He nods. “I didn’t know what to say either. But Seungwan and Seunghee vowed to be a doctor and a pharmacist respectively, better than those who failed my dad. Seungwan’s taking care of me and making sure I don’t get in either a depressed state or reach mania.”

“You need her,” she mutters in understanding.

“I can handle myself.”

Joohyun shakes her head. “I think it’s a good idea she’s staying. Not all musicians have to sing in front of a crowd.”

“My daughter wants to sing in front of a crowd.”

Seungwan does. Joohyun sees the passion. “But I think she loves you more than singing.”

Seungwan’s father stares at her, scrutinizing through his glasses. “It would’ve been best for all of us if I wasn’t here, huh? Seungwan doesn’t need to choose between things she loves, doesn’t need to make sacrifices.”

“If the illness wasn’t there, sir,” she corrects. “If I had a father like you… who did everything to stay, I would’ve—I would’ve wanted to stay, too.”

He takes a deep breath then nods. “I don’t want to force my daughter to do anything at all. But I just wish she’d pick herself.”

“Seungwan is…” she stops, tries to think of the right word. She looks up slowly and meets Seungwan’s father’s eyes, so similar to Seungwan’s. “Seungwan’s love is beautiful. It’s selfless, and I think she’ll feel better if you let her pick you.”

He smiles at her, so gentle and father like. “Thank you. I hope this won’t be the last time we’re meeting, and I hope when we meet again you’ll be comfortable enough to call me Da.”

“That will be our second meeting, though.”

“Stop putting a timer on everything, Joohyun.” He pats her forearm and smiles before standing and walking towards the door. “By the way, I hope when you and Seungwan meet again… she’s ready to pick you.”

 

-

 

They spend the last few nights together, with Yerim, Seulgi, Joy, and Johnny.

Tonight, with their hands with ice cream cones and soles of feet unprotected against the sand, Saeron is with them.

Johnny, who is starting to show his feelings, grumbles, “What a good night to just walk and be the seventh wheel of six useless lesbians.”

“You can’t call us that, John,” Seulgi scolds playfully, dropping Joy’s hand just so she can point at Johnny. “Besides, I’m bi, and so is Joy.”

“I’m Saeron-ual,” Yerim interrupts, making Saeron blush and the others gag.

“And you can’t say that like you’re not crushing on Taeyong.”

Johnny holds up a pointer at Joy. “Taeyong is a child. I am not into that. He laughs like a child, he bounces around like a child.”

“But when he’s dancing you stare at him like a child staring at candy,” Joy counters, pinching Johnny’s finger and pulling it down. “Admit it, boy, you like Taeyong.”

“Taeyong is a child.”

“Say it a few more times and maybe you’d be closer to reaching maximum delusion,” Joy says, grabbing Seulgi’s hand and walking faster.

Johnny throws his hands up, ice cream dripping on his fingers. “He’s a child.”

 

 

-

 

Time is running out. They have two days left together. She kept worrying about the butterflies acting too fast she forgot that time is limited.

Because Seungwan won’t join the circus, and the circus rolls into a new town every two weeks but those new towns won’t have Seungwan.

She scrolls through her IG as she waits for their last show to start, numerous pictures of practices and of the beach one after another. There are some pictures of Saeron and Seulgi making appearances from Yerim’s and Joy’s usernames respectively.

Yerim once told her that if you upload of someone on your IG, that someone must be important to you. Yerim’s account is full of pictures of the circus, of Joohyun and Joy goofing around with the other crew members, of them having slumber parties in the living room of the bus. Joy’s account has a lot of pictures of Changie, a few pictures of herself, and pictures of the crew scattered here and there.

Joohyun, who doesn’t post much, only has twenty pictures: one of them of the whole crew on her birthday, a few of Joy and Yerim, and majority of cities and skies.

Maybe it isn’t lust, nor love, nor butterflies. She posts a picture of herself and Seungwan taken in the park as they sit side by side with feet hanging next to the slide, taken by Yerim and sent to her with the caption “you look happy here so I didn’t want to delete it”.

She captions it with a purple heart.

Maybe the right word is ‘important’.

 

-

 

Seulgi catches her in the common tent just before she leaves, sweaty and out of breath. She takes Joohyun’s hand. “The circus is leaving tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

“And I just want to say you made my best friend very happy these past two weeks.” She pauses, looks around for what to say. Then squeezes Joohyun’s hand. “Make her promise you’ll meet again because she doesn’t break promises.”

“Seulgi, we’re probably only this attached to each other now because we spent almost the whole two weeks together.”

Seulgi frowns. “Then if you still like each other when you meet again, maybe you’ll be brave enough to call it attraction.”

Attraction. But that’s too little a word.

“Or love. Time doesn’t matter. History doesn’t matter. Make her promise.”

She nods, pats Seulgi’s hand. “I will.”

 

-

 

Yerim cries, hides behind Saeron’s shoulder as Seungwan bids her goodbye, refusing to look her in the eyes.

Joy nonchalantly shrugs and gives her a hug, but breaks down into tears the moment Seungwan moves on to Seulgi and hugs her tight.

Johnny hugs Seungwan’s head to his chest, makes her promise to take care of herself and to always call if she has troubles.

And Joohyun’s already crying by the time Seungwan gets to her.

“Tu es la femme de mes revês,” Seungwan says.

Joohyun blinks. “What?”

“You are the woman of my dreams.” She pauses, tightens her grip on Joohyun’s hands. “I’ve… I’ve always had these dreams, where there was a girl who always made me feel warm. And I just knew if I met that girl in real life, I would know who she is.”

“And that’s me?”

“No.” She frowns as Seungwan laughs. “No, but I know… I know you’re more than just warmth. Tu es la femme de mes revês but you’re more than just the woman of my dreams. You’re here. You’re real. And you’re not just warmth.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“You say these things take time.”

She nods, tearing her gaze away from Seungwan’s. “And?”

“And maybe time can’t take it.” Seungwan laughs at the frown that mars her features. “Maybe even if we stay apart for how long, you in the circus and me taking care of my dad, maybe time can’t take it. I’ll still… maybe then I can say I love you.”

“Why is it a maybe?” she whines, tears forming an ocean in her eyes.

“I don’t know what might happen while we’re apart, Joohyun.”

“I don’t either but I’m at least going to force the butterflies to stay.”

Seungwan’s smile turns sad. “If you have to force them to, that means they’re not there anymore.”

She glares at Seungwan. “You and your reasoning. Your philosophy . Promise me we’ll meet each other again.”

“If the circus comes back here, yes.”

“Promise me we’ll meet each other again,” she repeats, this time more forcefully as she shoves her pinky finger to Seungwan’s face.

Seungwan stares at her gently, magic swimming in her eyes. Stares at her like she finds Joohyun so lovable with her nose red and her eyes puffy from all the crying and glaring at her like a child.

She hooks their pinkies together. “I promise.”

“I’ll have Changie track you down and rip you to shreds if you don’t.”

Seungwan chuckles. “Of course. Wouldn’t want that.” She leaves a fleeting kiss on Joohyun’s lips, for her to take out of her pillowcase when she’s lonely, then she gently pushes her back, waves at Joy, Yerim, Saeron, Johnny, and Seulgi. Then ducks in her mother’s car.

Joohyun’s already lonely.

 

-

 

Yerim, whose Saeron has gone home too, plops down next to her when they reach the next stop. “Saeron has school.”

Joohyun scoffs, presses play on the movie. “So she does go to school.”

“Yeah, but she’s training to be an actress so she doesn’t go to school much. Her manager’s mad she missed so much though and is making her go to school for three months straight.” She sighs, loud and resonating, before hanging her head back. “I miss her already.”

“You can text each other. You can call each other.”

Yerim stands, points to Joohyun like she just made an amazing observation. Then deadpans, “Then why don’t you and Seungwan do that?”

“Because… because we’re not like you and Saeron. We’re not together like that. We’re just… we just kiss and stuff.”

“Do you hear yourself, miss-I-cried-the-whole-night? You clearly like her.”

She nods her agreement. “I do.”

“Then why don’t you text her?”

She laughs. “I do, Yerm.” At Yerim’s raised brow, she adds, “But communicating through screens won’t really be the same as talking across table or on swings beside each other.”

“You’re afraid, aren’t you? That maybe it was too fast and it was just the butterflies talking?”

Yerim’s tone not only helps push the stake further down her heart, almost touching the butterflies, but they also make her want to puke out the butterflies.

“Yes.”

 

-

 

Half a year later and she still talks with Seungwan through texts, keeps up with her life through tweets, sees the world through her eyes through pictures.

Johnny assures her as much as he can that Seungwan misses her as much as she misses Seungwan.

With Polaroid pictures of Seungwan with a letter handwritten on the back sent through mails with an even longer letter written on a piece of paper that smells like her, so romantic.

With a smile on his face as he grabs Joohyun’s shoulder and makes her wave at his phone, telling her he’s sending another video to Seungwan.

With little conversations sitting beside each other on a park bench and talking about Seungwan.

Joohyun feels the butterflies take weak breaths each time, a reminder that they’re alive. But she misses Seungwan so much, misses her touch and her voice and seeing her in person.

A butterfly dies.

 

-

 

Practice today has an audience, which means they can’t half- it. Especially since Boa’s watching.

Boa walks up to her and Victoria with a small frown on her face. “Are you okay now, Hyun?”

She nods. “Yeah, just feeling a little sick, I guess. Like, vomit sick.”

“You wanna sit this out?”

It’s just the butterflies, begging to finally leave her stomach. “No. I’m fine.”

Boa’s eyes dim. “You haven’t been fine since Seungwan didn’t join the circus, Hyun.”

Victoria looks up from where she’s tightening her gloves around her wrist. “She’s right, Irene. Why don’t you take a rest before you burn yourself out? Get some time to yourself. Maybe even visit Seungwan.”

She tries to act like she’s considering it, then shakes her head. “I can take some rest, sure. Next week, maybe.”

Boa sighs, shakes her own head before patting Joohyun’s cheek. “That better be a promise, Hyun.” She smiles at them before entering the stage and gesturing to Leeteuk.

“Acrobats team!”

Joohyun forces the passion to burn her heart.

 

-

 

Her heart swells at the children clapping, cheeks lift at the grown men and woman gushing. She forces herself to feel the passion of performing again, the one Seungwan gave her when she came into her life.

But she does things monotonously, goes through the routine just because she knows the routine. Know the routine just because she memorized it.

But then a head with dark hair tied into a messy bun catches her eye and the fire ignites.

Seated in the middle of two extremely happy looking people—one a woman with the same smile, the other a man with the same eyes—she’s clasping her hands together as Taemin throws Ten to the air to grab onto Victoria’s rope.

There’s concern in her eyes that disappears the moment Ten’s safely holding on to the rope. He raises his arms and waves his hand, smiling cutely at her.

And that’s Irene’s cue. She jumps off her platform, all fears of high places gone as long as she’s going to arrive in front of her, and swings down to get to the other side, landing on her feet right in front of the three.

As if on slow motion, the girl looks up, still awed, and Irene’s met with beautiful wide eyes and a really pretty face framed with hair falling out of her bun.

And, when her gaze meets the girl’s, she thinks maybe the butterflies are now alive somewhere in her stomach, wings fluttering around her insides, tickling her into a smile.

Seungwan smiles back.

“You’re here,” she breathes out, forgetting about the routine.

Seungwan blinks, peeks behind Joohyun to find Victoria, Ten, and Taemin ending the routine.

She stands. “I am.”

“And?”

 She gestures to Joohyun. “You look beautiful.”

“And, Seungwan?” she prods.

Seungwan meets her eyes. “I still feel the same. Maybe it was love.”

She stares at Seungwan, dazed. But then the butterflies in both of their stomachs pull at each other, like heavenly bodies with gravity forcing them to crash.

And their lips crash. And then fireworks. And a love song playing in the background. The butterflies ram headfirst towards the lining of their stomachs, content with being as close as they can to each other and wings lighting up in fire. Burning passion of a whole year not seeing each other.

These things take time, but time is a concept butterflies have so little of they can’t afford care about it anymore.

Because butterflies have short lifespans, and the butterflies in Joohyun’s stomach turn into ash. Because now she can say for sure that it is love.

---

A/N:

This took me way too long to actually write after I posted the first chapter, my apologies. I just... wasn't in the mood to write, lol. I hope you liked this! Leave a comment, they're much appreciated.

I'm planning a new multichaptered fic that's a lot heavier than Peek-A-Brew and I might put up the first chapter in two weeks. Please look forward to it!

thepurplewan