Jaebum had many great qualities: a wonderful voice, great dancing skills, handsome looks. No matter what, he always knew what was the best thing to do in every situation. As the leader of a world-wide famous group, he had to take charge of whatever happened, he had to monitor the members, he had to keep everything under control. No mistake allowed. Work was the most important thing in his life – and even if it hadn't been, the slightest mistake could have ruined the lifetime dream of other six people. They didn't deserve that, they were good guys, they were his second family. He couldn't let anything ruin their happiness, he wouldn't have forgiven himself if his selfishness got in the way. That's why he kept silent. That's why he always tried to be cold and distant, reserved. He wouldn't talk about himself, he wouldn't spend hours and hours with the others to bond and have fun. He would laugh, he would joke, but he would never really let himself go in front of them. He loved them, that's why most of the time he was strict and demanding.
Jinyoung was his best friend. He was the only one with whom he vented when he really had the urge to. The only one he could really be himself with. Maybe because they had met each other when they were still too young and Jaebum was still immature so he didn't think about his future, about the well being of others. They had shared years of hard work together, he could trust him his life. He couldn't imagine his life without him, they had passed too many nights awake, talking, planning their lives, sharing stories about their pasts. He was the only person to whom he would ask advice. Not that he didn't trust the others, it was just that.. Jinyoung was Jinyoung. And Jinyoung always knew when something was wrong – he could read him like an open book and sometimes (even though Jaebum was stubborn most of the times) he would say the wisest words. He could result annoying at times, but only because he was always right and Jaebum hated to admit it.
Mark and Jackson were like brothers, to him. The kind of brothers that didn't ask too many questions, one look was enough for them to understand: understand when it was time to joke and when it wasn't. The kind of brothers that didn't want to force problems out of him but that made sure he knew he could count on them if he ever needed to. They wouldn't make it obvious but they'd help him with the youngest members, scolding them or comforting them when Jaebum was too tired or had other business to attend to. Although Jackson could appear childish or foolish in front of the cameras, he was actually a pretty responsible person too. While Mark lived most of the time in his own world, but it wasn't really a problem for anyone.
Bambam and Yugyeom, on the other hand, were like the sons of an annoying old neighbor. You know, those kind of kids who loved to be naughty and joke around. Jaebum couldn't blame them, they were young and they had spent most of their teen days in a practice room. They had missed the best years of their lives, they didn't have many friends outside of the idols' world but they had each other and that was enough. He cherished them, he wanted them to have the best time of their lives now that they had debuted, he didn't want them to miss anything. They could be annoying at times, like every other kid in the whole world, but he knew they meant no harm and that it was just the way they acted around everyone. They also knew when it was time to stop and start working so he couldn't really complain.
And then there was Youngjae. He couldn't see him as a best friend nor as a brother. He was on a completely different level. Youngjae made him feel things. Things he wasn't supposed to feel for a guy, a friend, a member of his group. Things he wasn't supposed to feel for anyone.

Being an idol was hard.
Being in love was even harder.
But being both at the same time was the worst.
One thing he had learned through all the years of working in the industry was to never let feelings into his heart. Feelings were only a nuisance. He couldn't date anyway, the company didn't allow it. Or rather, it wasn't really prohibited but you had to be discreet about it. Then, was it really worth it to keep a relationship secret? Why would he keep it a secret? If he loved someone, wasn't he supposed to bring that person on a date without others interrupting him? Wasn't he supposed to buy things for her without the cashier asking inopportune questions to him? Talk about her to his friends without them getting all worried for his career? Did he have to hide her when they asked him about his love life? Why should he be careful about it? Relationships are meant to be lived and having to go around without being able to hold each others' hands or looking at each other in the eyes without strangers misunderstanding, was far from living them. It wasn't worth it. He sure had occasional encounters with girls, he was a grown man after all. But he never let anyone into his world.

That's why Youngjae made him feel so helpless. Youngjae was different from anyone he had ever met. He couldn't describe him, nor he could describe whatever it was that he made him feel inside. But he was pretty sure it was love. That's what Jinyoung had told him and that's what he had figured out watching sloppy romantic comedies and cheesy dramas on his laptop. Youngjae had inspired some of his still secret songs' lyrics (although he didn't want to admit it to himself). He also made him lose his sleep at nights, he made his heart race faster when he locked eyes with those brown orbs, he made his stomach turn upside down whenever he saw his smile. Prettiest and brightest smile he had ever seen. Youngjae was always happy and when fans called him “sunshine”, Jaebum couldn't agree on a better nickname. He was probably addicted to his laugh and his voice, the voice of an angel. Jaebum found him beautiful. No matter how low was Youngjae's self-esteem, no matter if others said that he was the worst-looking one in the group, no matter if their country's standards would classify him as ugly or whatever. Jaebum found him the most beautiful human being of them all. And sometimes he just couldn't stop staring. He loved him. And he hated it with all of himself. He hated the way Youngjae made him feel. Helpless, restless, stupid. He always had everything under control but this. This he hadn't and that made him feel even worse. The rationality that had always kept him together, was gone in a minute when Youngjae was around. It made him go insane. How? How the hell did he do that? Jaebum loved every little thing of his fellow vocalist and he hated himself the most for this. Because he had promised himself that he wouldn't let anyone into his heart. Specially not one of his bandmates. What did he do wrong? When did he get distracted? But the more he tried to convince himself that everything was fine, that he had no feelings for him whatsoever, the more he failed and the more he felt his sanity slip away, as seconds passed by. It was hard to keep still when Youngjae was beside him. He wanted to ruffle his hair and caress his cheeks. He wanted to smile affectionately and observe him all day, feel his scent, his warm skin. It was really hard. Mostly when they were at a fansign or at a meeting because he had to keep himself from turning towards the younger every two minutes and appreciate him, his looks, his cuteness, his everything. Luckily, their fans wouldn't really mind, instead they would scream and make up some 2jae fantasies – so he was allowed to stare just a little. Fan service was part of his job anyway. Sometimes he would think about this. Why did their fans like the two of them together anyway? What was so special about their relationship? Did they really seem that close to each other? Did they really look good together? They would scream and fangirl if he dared to touch ever so slighty Youngjae but they would probably freak out if they discovered something like them dating in real life. He didn't want to think about it, though. He rarely thought about the two of them together, he knew that would never happen and he decided that it wasn't good for his heart nor his mind. He didn't want to imagine Youngjae kissing him, caressing his body, he didn't want to think about his friend , under him, sweating and . Never in a thousand years Youngjae would return his feelings. He didn't feel the same – and it was better this way. It would make it easier for Jaebum to get over him, knowing that he had no chance at all because Youngjae wasn't into guys and even if he was, he wasn't into his leader. The thing that made him mad the most was that he had never expected himself to fall for a guy. His cold attitude and his rudeness towards the other members had been useless all this time because in the end, he actually fell for one of those guys. Was it a joke? Did the gods want to play a prank on him so badly? Really. Sometimes it felt so ridiculous that he could only laugh at himself. He was so pitiful, trying hard to forget a man he had to face every single day of his life for who knows how many years. And sometimes he would get angry at Youngjae because he was too caring and too touchy and Jaebum didn't need all of that , he'd rather have Youngjae not talking to him at all so that things would be easier but no, that idiot of a singer had to be all smiles and cheers and had to get too damn worried whenever Jaebum was feeling down. So he tried to be even more distant, he tried to treat him coldly. He knew that was wrong. Youngjae didn't deserve to be hurt by his harsh words, he didn't deserve to be treated so roughly, it was Jaebum's fault in the first place. He shouldn't have fallen for him, it was his fault. And he had promised himself that he would never be selfish, that he would care about the others' well-being first, and then his own. But everything was getting out of hands and he couldn't help but send the other away, cutting him off from his world. He would speak to him only at work but whenever they got back at the dorm, he would just ignore him. He would try to never stay alone in a room with him: luckily he was now Mark's roommate, so Jaebum didn't have to sleep on the couch anymore to avoid the other's cute morning face. The worst thing was seeing Youngjae's hurt expression whenever Jaebum would ignore him. Because he wasn't stupid, he could see it that his bandmate was hurt by his behaviour but there was nothing he could do about it. Until his feelings disappeared completely, he had to keep some distance between them. But , that was hard. Even when they didn't talk at all, Jaebum could feel his heart go crazy whenever he set his eyes on the younger guy. Jinyoung had told him he was being a selfish . “Youngjae has done nothing wrong and you're hurting him for nothing” - he had said - “You know this won't help you get over it anyway”. And he was right, nothing had changed. Or rather. Nothing had changed in Jaebum. But Youngjae, on the other hand, had become oddly quiet. He wasn't as cheerful as before, he wouldn't smile as much. He was acting weird, he was silent most of the time and he would just go to his room as soon as they got back home, not even bothering about the others sending him questioning looks. All of them had noticed it. Jaebum had always been reserved so when he started being a little more rude and cold, it wasn't really too obvious. They thought he was just a little more stressed lately. But Youngjae had always been bright so seeing him like this was hard not to notice and it was quite shocking. Nobody really knew how to deal with this situation but they all tried to cheer him up. Mark would ask him to have a walk with him and Coco but he would answer that he was too tired. Yugyeom and Bambam would ask him to play some videogames together but he would answer that he had an headache. Jackson and Jinyoung would ask him to watch some crappy movie on the couch but he would answer that he had other things to do. And Jaebum.. he just observed from afar. His heart aching more than it ever did but there was nothing he could do. Was it his fault? Was Youngjae mad because he was avoiding him? Or did something else happen? He wanted to know so badly, he wanted to hug him and comfort him, he hated seeing those sad eyes. He hated it when his lips weren't curled up in a beautiful smile. He m