posted on july 8, 2014

it was my first role play.

there was a face book role play — we'll call it Y for now because yeah, i'd rather not reveal it. so, Y was my first role play. i was dragged by a friend of mine (let's call her B) to join the role play and i joined, of course, wanting to talk more to B because aff wasn't just enough.

yes, i was awkward. i only knew B there and preferred not to talk to the other members because well, they were scaring me. and honestly, B was friends with everyone. she was everyone's favorite and i guess you could say that i was jealous?

i honestly hated myself for being jealous of her. so, i shrugged off the feelings of jealousy and continued talking to her. B introduced me to her child hood friend who rp-ed as an exo member (we shall call him G). G and i were awkward at first, really, really awkward. our daily conversations consisted of “hey,” “how are you?” “good, you?” it was like that for a couple of days.

but then, i guess, one day we started clicking and started spazzing together. i was happy because yes, finally another friend. so, we continued talking like that. i made a group chat with G and B and we grew closer and even started sharing ooc names and events and just, basically everything.

there was an admin there, too. (he's F, okay?) F was popular with the ladies, tbh. and i admired him. and i guess, i thought i had feelings for him? yeah, i was being naive and too desperate so i told myself that i liked him. not wanting to confess yet, i talked to B about it and she was confused because she never saw me talking about him. and i just pushed the thought of me liking F. so she shrugged it off, but sometimes she would drop the topic whenever we would talk about F.

G didn't know about it because honestly, no matter how close we were, i didn't want to tell him who my “crush” was. i was still being cautious.

and then one day, F posted a confession about a girl he liked. it was amazing, really. the confession was one of a kind and it was just beautiful. he talked about the girl he was closest to and i remember one quote: “i'll give you a unique confession because you deserve one.” or maybe, that wasn't the quote, i'm not sure actually. but yeah, he talked about his crush but he didn't give out a name. a few hints here and there but nothing else.

and i was dumb enough to think that the girl was me.

of course, i told B. i squealed and told her how happy i was that he liked me. however, B didn't look entirely happy for me. she would just laugh and say okay and then drop the topic. i ignored the way she was acting and then continued on my merry ways.

one day, B talked to me and told me that whatever happens, we'll always be