Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone

It’s been approximately 20 days since Jongin turned up in the glade, confused and absolutely terrified. With no memories save for his name, trying to process the moving walls and monstrous arachnid creatures hell-bent on killing people turned out to be quite a difficult task.

“No, no one has made it out before. Believe me, we all tried.” Siwon had said, his face open with distaste. “We’ve thought of everything. Everything we could. You think we’d still be here if we found a way out?”

By a of bad luck, or through Jongin’s tendency to act first think later, Jongin ended up stuck with Minseok and Joonmyun in the maze overnight.

They were the first to survive a night outside of the glade, and also the first to kill a griever.

Perhaps there was a chance, an actual shot at getting out of the maze. There was a renewed air of hope around them, excited whispers, an optimism almost tangible, everyone cheered by the thought of leaving until Kyungsoo appeared in the crate.

“What do they mean, he’ll be the last one ever?” came the confounded murmurs of the gladers.

They understood when the entrance towards the maze was left open that night. They also understood when more than half of their numbers were slaughtered in the massacre that followed.

-

Fire and screaming. The cries that were filled with anguish, bodies strewn all over the grass. Stomach ripped out, neck broken, a mechanical whirring sound that reminded him of an executioner’s axe. On that night, he saw the light leave Kibum’s eyes. Felt the gush of warm liquid over his hands as he pressed onto the wound, repeating “It’s ok, you’re ok. We’re gonna get help.” when everyone knew that no, it’s not ok, it’s the end, there’s no one to help us. He felt an arm on his shoulder, squeezing as if to say stop, let’s go, it’s not your fault. But of course, he couldn’t help but feel it is his fault. The term survivor’s guilt comes to mind. He convinced them to go, if he could have just let it be, he could- The arm shakes him a little harder.

Jongin jerked awake to a someone shaking his shoulder, his eyes wide. Panic seized him, were they getting attacked again? Weapon, his hands began searching blindly around him. It might not help much, but at least there’s something.

“Hey, hey. We’re ok.” Comes a soft voice above him, and a pair of hands steadying his.

It took Jongin’s eyes a few seconds to recalibrate. It was Kyungsoo.

“Wha-“

“Time for you to take over the watch.”

Jongin sat up slowly, blearily taking in the landscape around him. Miles and miles of sand stretched as far as they could see. Some destructed buildings were half buried in the sand, blasted apart by drones no doubt. Desolate and bereft of life. They were sheltered under the remains of an airplane, and around him were the rest of the gladers that survived.

Forty of them in the glade, and they were left with twelve. Along the way three of them had succumbed to the flare with the dreadful realisation that some of them are actually not immune to the virus. Now it’s just Yixing, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Joonmyun, Minseok, Jongdae, and Sehun.

Kyungsoo patted the sand around him, and laid down. The rest of them were sound asleep, save for Minseok, who was slowly wiping down the rifle in his hands. Muck from the cranks had splashed against their weapon collection when they were taking them out in the tunnel.

A few steps away, Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Sehun were curled together underneath a thin blanket, shielding them from the wind. Jongin turned to look at the spot where Yixing, Jongdae and Joonmyun usually slept. It was empty. They had probably taken to exploring the buildings nearby and scavenging whatever rations they could find.

Jongin found himself staring into space, thinking about all the what-ifs, and could-have-beens, and all the memories that has since returned to him. He thought about his time with Kyungsoo and Dr. Lee, all the research they have done up to the point where Jongin finally felt that enough is enough, he also thought about Siwon’s last words.

“You! I remember you. You were in there with them!” His voice had been so full of righteous anger and indignation. Jongin couldn’t find anything in him to be angry. He was ashamed, rightfully so, and he was terrified to meet the gaze of the other gladers, people like Baekhyun, Minseok, Chanyeol, who stood up for him, watched his back for him. Jongin feels a fresh wave of self-loathing.

“You know, I can hear you thinking from there.” Kyungsoo had his eyes opened, and they were peering at Jongin.

Kyungsoo waited, and for a long time Jongin did not answer, until "I’m just so ing mad at myself. I’ve done so many things, and every decision I’ve made since just serves no purpose other than to get people killed.” His voice barely above a whisper.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo got up and sat next to Jongin. Kyungsoo reached for him, and squeezed his hand tightly. It was icy cold. “You know you can’t blame yourself for this. You made a decision you felt was right, and we thought we were doing something good, something that can actually help people.”

Jongin chewed on his bottom lip. “But so many people were killed.”

“You can’t avoid that. Even if we didn’t try to find a cure for the virus, even if we stayed in the glade, people would still have died. It’s the flare. It’s not us. At the end of the day, we’re just trying to do something right.”

Jongin’s eyes flickered to Kyungsoo’s, and there was a distinct look of determination and earnestness to them. It reminded Jongin of a time long forgotten, where they were almost, almost lovers. But not quite.

Kyungsoo dozes off on Jongin’s shoulders, and til sunrise Jongin forces himself to stop dreaming about the what-ifs and could-have-beens.

-

It didn’t come as much of a surprise to Jongin when Kyungsoo took that step towards Dr. Lee. There were roars of outrage and war cries, all calling for the heads of WCKED personnels. But they were so very heavily outnumbered. Man vs men. Guns vs drones. It would be suicide to engage them, Jongin knew as much.

“Join us, please. I promise you no one would get hurt.” Dr. Lee had announced, turning his palm outwards. “We’re so close to finding a cure, and with your help, we can fight the effects of the flare.”

Jongin had grabbed Kyungsoo when he took a step forward. Desperation clawed up inside of him, he can’t lose Kyungsoo. There were so many things that Jongin wanted to say, things he had never gotten the courage to, but for all his bravado in fighting against WCKED, he was only able to croak, “If you go, things will never be the same.”

I love you. Don’t leave me. Please.

Kyungsoo seemed to understand whatever Jongin didn’t manage to convey. He appeared almost swayed, but then his gaze turned hard and apologetic, and Jongin knew from that second on they belonged on the opposite sides of the war.

WCKED is good. Kyungsoo once said. For the greater good.

Sometimes Jongin wished that he meant more to Kyungsoo. He knew that Kyungsoo loved him, but as all love stories go, it’s just not enough.

-

The trouble with Jongin is that he never stopped hoping and believing. He needed to believe that the war would end with victory on their side, so he puts on a front, he acted like he knew what he was doing when he broke into WCKED’s facilities to free Minseok. He acted unaffected when the rest threatened Kyungsoo, when all he wanted to do was to just make sure he’s safe.

He had to believe that the serum would come in time to save Sehun, even when his veins turn blue and he starts spewing goo from his mouth. Even when Sehun tosses him across the floor and bares his teeth to bite him. Jongin had to believe that by stalling Sehun, he can race against time and pull him back from death.

“C’mon Sehun, hold on. Please.”

In a brief moment of lucidity, Sehun begs Jongin to kill him. Sehun raised his gun to his temple, and Jongin kicks it away. Jongin had lost too many. Too many people to count and he’s afraid losing Sehun too would break him.

What they neglect to tell you in most stories is that people die. People can die, and people will die. That is the fact of life. There is no happy ending in a war.

He took the necklace that Sehun pushed into his hands, clumsily shoved it into his pocket before wobbling his way through the fire.

The rebels were bombing the last city. Rebels against the citizens. The rich and powerful overrun by the people they have forgotten and left behind.

Jongin weaved through the streets towards WCKED’s headquarters, feeling as if he ought to curl into a ball and sob. His eyes were wet, but he felt numb. There weren’t any more tears.

Yunho kills Dr. Lee, and almost Kyungsoo. Jongin took a shot to his abdomen, and he selfishly wished that he would die from this wound. Was there a point? Was there a point to the maze, to the research, losing everyone? Probably not.

Kyungsoo fussed over him, crying and telling him that yes, your blood is the cure, let’s go, you can survive this, don’t you dare die on me. Jongin wanted to laugh as the building begins to fall apart around them, fire all consuming. This is it, this is death.

But then, Baekhyun and the others arrived in a hovercraft and Kyungsoo pushes him onto the hovercraft, gripping his hand so tight. And for a moment Jongin was filled with hope again, perhaps, maybe something good would come out of this.

Then the building collapses, and Kyungsoo slips out of his hands, and in that split second before the fire envelopes him, Jongin could see in Kyungsoo’s face, the same set of determination and earnestness.

You will live, live well. You have been so brave. Thank you, I love you, and I’m sorry.

Jongin closed his eyes, and let the last of his tears slip.

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound.

a/n: sorry, don't kill me. twitter