You hated these little business trips to China with your dad. Although this wasn’t always the case, recently the air did seem as rough and stuffy as the news had claimed. Pollution wasn’t your cause though; it was the void in your heart.

He really left without contacting me. It’s been four years but you still couldn’t forgive him for not telling you he was going away. You couldn’t even recall him ever wanting to be an aeronautical engineer. He’d always play the piano and sing his favourite songs to you whenever you came to visit; write his own sometimes. You both would giggle for hours before falling into meaningful silence. As darkness fell he would tell you how he dreams to be a musician and not an athlete like his father wanted. You would slowly place your palm into his, squeezing it to assure him you believed in him and he would smile ever so sweetly at you. And the times, you both would hide under the blanket fort, talking for hours; away from the world and living in your own. His mom would then knock you guys back into reality, ushering you downstairs for dinner. Visits to China used to be the thing you looked most forward to, but now you detested it.

You placed your head slightly against the car window as rain water created trails of their own down the glass. The fingers on your left hand followed the loneliest of the drops that danced to the rhythm of the music blasting through your headphones. Your dad was seated on the front seat of the taxi, completely unaware of the dread you’ve felt the past four years. 

The memories of that day from all those years ago still haunt you, the day that changed everything. You were as happy as ever to enter the Wang house in the suburbs of Beijing, China. It was your home away from home, miles away in fact. The Wangs had never let your father stay in the hotels ever since you started to accompany him in these frequent business trips to their homeland. In relation they were just business partners to your family, but in your hearts it meant much more. Like any other time, you had hopped in to hug Mrs. Wang and salute Mr. Wang, which was your own special greeting for them. The joy of seeing them was always immense, though this time, you were a little upset that your one and only friend in the country hadn’t come to pick you up at the airport. Looking around you couldn’t help but ask about him and Mrs. Wang took you aside to the kitchen with gloom taking over her face.

“Jackson didn’t call you?” she asked

“No he did not. Did he go somewhere?” you asked, hesitant from the awkward situation that had taken over.

“Yes he did, but for a very long time.” She spoke slowly to accompany her broken English.

You looked up bewildered. What is that supposed to mean? You tried to decipher the hurt in her eyes but nothing gave away.

“What does that mean Mrs. Wang?” you asked unable to sustain any longer. 

“Last week he flew to the United States to study aeronautical engineering.” The shocks came in waves, one bigger and scarier than the other. United States? That was miles away from here. He was never the kind of person to move so far away from home, and aeronautical engineering? What in the world would make him take that decision? What happened to his dreams of becoming a musician? Mrs. Wang continued, “He was very angry with his father because he wouldn’t let him go to music school. So, he agreed to his father’s request of studying engineering, but on one condition.”

“What condition?”

“He wanted to go somewhere far away from home and, “her voice tried its best to hide the lump that formed in , before she continued on, “and he promised to not return home till he had finished his graduation, that is if he ever returns.” She looked down at the floor unable to meet your eyes.

“What?” you spoke in disbelief. “But, that’s four years or more! Or…” You faded in silence. Her ending words had just registered in your brain that it might be four years or it might be never. 

You let go of her hand as you got up and walked upstairs in to his room. Silence fell upon the house as his parents and yours watched you enter his room and close the doors behind. You remembered crying yourself to sleep that night. How could he do this to you? He didn’t even deem you worthy of one phone call to say goodbye. He had taken the biggest decision of his life but he didn’t feel important to inform you. I don’t care, you repeated in your head as your tears stained the pillow cover. Night fell and you disguised yourself to make Mrs. Wang believe that you had fallen asleep, and under the dim light of his bedside lamp, you promised to never go back there ever again.

But here you were; fast forward four years, you had come back with your father to accompany his ill body for yet another ‘business’ trip. You would have avoided it under any circumstances, other than attending to your father’s needs.

As the memories of the dreadful night came gushing in, so did your tears. It was mesmerizing how much he still affected you even though you had no idea of the man he had now become. Wiping away the tears that painted your face, you sat up as the familiar red-brick building you were once so fond of, came into view.

“We are here honey, wake up.” Your dad softly spoke to you oblivious to your sleepless thoughts.

The taxi stopped right in the front door that read ‘Wang Residence’. Mr. and Mrs. Wang were already waiting outside obviously informed of your arrival. Unlocking the taxi-door, you stepped out into the chilly air of the suburbs. Less than five steps were taken before you found yourself under the embrace of the woman who was as much a mother to you as your own. Your eyes filled with tears remembering how much you had missed this. As she let go, her husband came forward and put his arms around your shoulder. A smile formed on your lips and his as you raised your hand to salute him.

“Come on its cold outside. Let’s go in.” Mrs. Wang led you inside as her husband ordered someone to take care of the luggage.

Once inside, you found the two cups of hot chocolate milk already prepared for you on the kitchen table. You grinned from eyes to lips.

“I am all grown up now you know” you told Mrs. Wang as you took a sip that tainted your lips with white foam.

“Not to me.” She smiled. “Why don’t you go upstairs and make yourself comfortable, your bags are already there.”

Upstairs meant Jackson’s room. You had always unpacked there on your previous visits so you understood without having to think. A fake smile poked at your lips as you got up and left with a nod. Walking up the stairs all the memories from the past fifteen years swept through you. All the picture frames that hung up on the walls shared a story of their own. Reaching the end of the corridor you caressed the frame that held up the picture of you and Jackson as little seven year olds, lying on the ground on either side of his huge teddy bear. You let out a weary smile before unlocking the door and stepping into his room.

As you took a few steps forward, you noticed the silhouette of a person in front of the window, gazing outside into the cloudy sky. For a moment you thought you had walked into the wrong room; there were so many in the Wang house, it was easy to get lost. So, you turned around to leave the room but something stopped you.

A hand that felt familiar yet strange grabbed you by the wrist and halted your motion. In a matter of seconds fear turned into confusion and confusion into anxiety. You started to ponder over who this strange person might be and why he was in Jackson’s room. Without further adieu, you turned around to confront them but instead you were frozen on spot, stunned by the form the person had taken under the dim yellow light.

Jackson’s face revealed itself and the throbbing pain under your chest began to scatter further into your throat. Your body numbed against his touch and heat began to rise from the pit of your stomach. And then it happened; a tear rolled down your cheek, bringing out all the pain along with it. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream; as you began to cry with force. Unable to get your emotions to work in sync, you used your free hand to hit his chest hard, one blow after another, trying to compensate for the pain you have carried for all these years.

It was painful for him to see you like this. All he could do, at that moment, was embrace you and let the torrent of your tears to soak through his shirt. You clenched your fists, cupping his t-shirt material into your fist, not knowing whether to be mad or to give up hope all together. He could hear you silently screaming, suffocating with each breath you took trying to hold on to your remaining pride.

Jackson was shaking as well. You could feel it as he ran his fingers through your hair, time and time again, in an attempt to calm the war within your mind. He had become the enemy that kills you at the same time a friend that nurses. But you had no choice. Right now only he could calm you down and every inch of your body was aware.

Somewhere during the crying and the pain, you remembered you were also angry at him. With a sudden jerk, you released yourself from his embrace and covered your face with your hand.

“What’s wrong ____” he leaned forward.

“What is wrong?! You want to know what is wrong. I am standing in a stranger’s room crying for him while the very same person hugs me! That’s what is wrong.” The wrath in you jumped from vein to vein as you dug your nails deep into your palms.

“Come on _____. That hurts. You know I didn’t mean to leave like that.” He pleaded.

“Do I? How should I know anything about you? Who am I to know anyway!” your breaths got heavier as you tried to keep up with situation at hand.

“I came back for you ___” he spoke your name ever so softly taking your palm into his; squeezing it in assurance. It caused sudden warmth at the pit of your stomach, sending tiny electric shocks all over your body. You looked up as his weary gaze met yours hoping to tell you a long anticipated story.

He pulled you towards the bed an sat you down at the corner before placing himself on both his knees in front of you; still holding on to your hand.

“Let me explain first, okay? “ He looked away from you before speaking again. “I never wanted to leave and never wanted to study engineering, you out of all people know that. But, I had no choice. That night my parents made me feel like such a failure when I asked them about music school. My mom is weak and ill most of the time and my dad..” a silent pause made you lock eyes again and he spoke, “ my dad told me I’d be responsible if something happened to her. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t take that responsibility.”

You couldn’t help but feel his pain. All your anger had been replaced with a strange empathy as you put yourself in his shoes.

“Couldn’t you have told me all this?” you swallowed all the other words that you thought of and managed only this. “I would have understood.”

“I was afraid. I was afraid you’d make me want to change my mind; that you would hold my hand and all my dreams will be mine again. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep my promise because I knew and I still know that you would have believed in my stupid dream.” This time his tears lost the battle with his composure, wetting his red cheeks.

“Your dreams are not stupid” you said not being able to meet his eyes.

He let out a soft chuckle. “See. You would have made me happy and I was not ready to be happy back then. I wanted to hate my dad for saying such a thing, I wanted to release my mom from stressing about me and…and I wanted to release myself from being so madly in love with you.”

He let those words slide through his lips with such ease, it made your insides shudder. You knew what he was saying but you refused to believe it. Four years of avoiding the very same words from other people had now been uttered by the one who matter the most.

You got up from the bed and kneeled down right in front of him. You loved him; no matter how much you looked at him, he hadn’t changed; apart from the now sad smile that he carried. The street light reflected through the window, almost blinding you. Jackson moved in closer to shade you from the piercing light. He raised both his hands and cupped your face in them, demolishing you with his longing gaze. You noticed that he had gone quiet and was now staring at you with intent. It made you self conscious but you were unable to look away once your eyes had met.

Knowing Jackson since you were five years old, you thought you knew him all; but sitting this close to him after he had just confessed, you couldn't help but notice for the first time just how muscular his shoulders were, and how lush his lips looked. You let your gaze slip lower, trying to hide your blushed cheeks and thumping heart beat.

“Say something” you muttered under your breath.

When you looked into his eyes once again, his expression was intense, almost threatening.

For a moment, you thought maybe he was angry, maybe he wanted you to repeat those words back to him but your brain chose to be silent. You moved your gaze from his eyes to elsewhere, feeling restless under his touch but before could ponder it further, he yanked you to him and covered your mouth with his, thirsty for you kiss. You responded immediately, surprising yourself. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than you could have imagined. He detached his lips from yours sooner than you would have liked, smirking at you in amusement. Seeing his confident stance made you want the revenge he so rightfully deserved. So you cheekily replied.

“You didn’t even ask me if I have a boyfriend”

His eyes widened as the fear became visible. The grip he had on you loosened as his arms drooped around his sides once again. He contemplated over his mind on what to say before speaking up.

“You have a…a…boyfriend?” his voice was shaking as he took deep breaths to disguise it.

You stared right into his eyes without saying a word building up the sinking feeling inside him. He soon started to feel agitated and looked away before you pulled his face towards him and said,

“I do now.”

He didn’t have much time to complete the grin that had started to form before you pulled him into a kiss. You could feel his smile against your lips and your own formed into a curve.