***

Ugly Christmas sweaters are mandatory on Christmas Eve. Just as much as cheesy Christmas pop songs with a lot of bells jingling in the background while singing along to the same old tunes that haunt the world every year when November commences. Yixing is a er for the holiday, and takes all of the Christmas glitz and glam very seriously. His roommate Baekhyun likes to joke about how Yixing must’ve been one of Santa’s Helpers in a past life, which he won’t even deny.

So while the food for dinner is in the oven, and Leona Lewis counts down the days until she’s back with her lover on Christmas, Yixing gets the Christmas Tree ready with some last tweaks. When he’s done, he takes a step back to marvel at his piece of art, while humming along to the song playing.

'Cause I've got 5 more nights of sleeping on my own
4 more days until you're coming home
3 more dreams of you and mistletoe
2 more reasons why I love you so

Everything is set and ready for his roommate Baekhyun and his boyfriend to arrive - it’s become tradition that Yixing spends Christmas Eve with his friend, and he was a little worried that Baekhyun might want to spend the night alone with his new found partner, but Baekhyun assured him that this would not be the case. According to him, this would be a great opportunity for Yixing to properly meet his boyfriend because they haven’t been going steady with each other for too long and Baekhyun hadn’t brought him home yet.

A look at his wristwatch tells Yixing that Baekhyun should arrive within the next ten minutes, which is just perfect because the food is about to be ready to get out of the oven. He’s received no message from him saying that they’ll be late, so he gets all giddy in excitement as he takes the roast out of the oven to cut it up and put the slices on the plates. When every plate is set up nicely, Yixing sits down and hopes the other two will arrive soon, otherwise the food will get cold. In that moment, he regrets his decision of surprising Baekhyun and his boyfriend with a perfectly set table, but stuffing everything back into the oven would do more harm than good. When it’s getting past seven, Yixing wanders into the hallway with his eyes set on the door.

And he keeps waiting.

And waiting.

He keeps waiting until it’s half past seven, and Baekhyun has ignored his messages. Yixing tried not to sound pushy, and just asked him to tell him when they’ll come so he can take care of the food that is getting cold. His roommate leaves him on read though which annoys Yixing, and when he is about to give him a call, the doorbell rings. Thinking it’s him who only forgot his keys, Yixing opens the door and says:

“My god finally, I think I need to reheat the… wait what?!”

It’s not Baekhyun and his mysterious boyfriend. Standing in the hallway is a tall and handsome man with wavy brown hair, wearing a tailored coat and holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Yixing blinks confused, then rubs his eyes because he thinks that he might have overdosed on gingerbread cookies and eggnog which causes him to hallucinate.

“I…” the man says and leans over to check the number next to the door, “… this is number 1028, right?”

“Y… yes…” Yixing stammers, and then gets back to his senses, “Yifan?!”

Standing in the hallways isn’t only a tall handsome man, but the tall handsome man who happens to be Yixing’s ex. He hasn’t seen him in maybe five years - he’s lost a few pounds and his face matured a little, and Yixing is mostly used to him wearing their high school uniform and casual clothes, but it’s definitely him. That voice. Yixing could recognise it everywhere.

“Oh god this is awkward…” Yifan says and Yixing already takes a few steps back to close the door.
Yifan puts his foot into the doorway though and says:

“Wait, I can explain why I’m here!”

“I don’t even want to know, okay, I’m expecting someone!” Yixing snaps, hoping that it sounds like he’s waiting for his new boyfriend.

“Yeah, I know, this Baekhyun guy sent me.”

“Huh!?”

“Can I… just come in and explain?”

The other man heaves an annoyed sigh, but then he tries to get himself together - it happened five years ago, he’s grown up, he shouldn’t be petty anymore. So he steps aside and lets Yifan in, who mumbles a ‘Thank You’ and slips past him into the apartment. He takes off his shiny leather shoes and his coat, which irks Yixing because that means he’s expecting to stay a little longer. He won’t say anything though and nods into the direction of the joint living- and dining room. When Yifan sees the table and the food, he turns around and says:

“Oh wow, you really… planned this through.”

He looks like he’s having a bad conscious gnawing on him. Yixing shrugs his shoulders, then demands:

“Okay. Explain. Why are you here?”

“Pheeeeew, well, that’s going to be… awkward…” Yifan dodges and ruffles his hair with one hand, while the other still holds on to the bouquet of flowers. “Ummm… I’m your date.”

“You’re certainly not,” Yixing shoots back.

“I am though… I’m… a rental boyfriend? And your roommate hired me because he felt sad for you being lonely on Christmas Eve… so he booked me to spend the night with you.”

“That is a joke, right?”

It must be. It can’t be that Wu Yifan, his first and last boyfriend, the love of his life that left him heartbroken to the day, just pops up at his doorway because his roommate booked a rental boyfriend. That’s only something happening in stupid romantic comedies.

“It isn’t…” Yifan says, the tone in his voice indicating that he doesn’t know what to do with the situation either.

They look at each other for a good thirty seconds in which Leona Lewis sings the billionth new version of Silent Night. It’s Yifan who moves first and he lifts the bouquet:

“I mean… if you want me to go, I’ll go, but… Baekhyun already payed me and he also booked these flowers along, so… maybe… you want to at least keep them, because they were really expensive.”

Yixing looks at the fresh flowers and notices their scent through all the other Christmas smells in the apartment. Maybe it’s a sign to talk things out between them. Maybe he shouldn’t kick him out just yet.

“Baekhyun won’t come, right?”

“No. He booked me until at least twelve. So… your food will definitely go cold.”

Yixing grunts, then he rips the flowers out of Yifan’s hands.

“This will face my wrath,” he mutters under his breath, and while he walks into the kitchen to get the flowers into some water, he adds, “If you want, you can sit down and eat, I don’t want to throw everything away.”

When Yixing returns and puts the flowers down at the head of the table, Yifan’s sat himself down on Baekhyun’s usual chair, still a little unsure if he really should just start shovelling the food in.

“Yifan, it’s not going to get any warmer, so please eat before it gets absolutely uneatable.”

Only then, the other gives in and starts emptying the plate that was meant for Yixing’s roommate. After the first bites, Yifan says:

“Wow, you know, I was really hungry before I got here…”

With his puffed cheeks and his big puppy eyes, Yifan resembles the awkward but adorable sixteen year old that he was when Yixing met him. Yixing still remembers that day vividly.

“Everyone, please say hello to our new student - he just transferred to us from Guangzhou, so make it easy for him to become a proper member of our class, yes?”

The voice of their head teacher wakes Yixing from the haze he’s been in and he looks up to the guy standing next to her in front of the blackboard. He’s unbelievably tall for his age, a little lanky even. Half his face is hidden behind long black hair, a styling trend all the youngsters are chasing after at the moment. Even Yixing tries to rock that hairstyle, but his mother only tolerates his hair to a certain length.

“Yeah, hello everyone,” the newcomer starts in a loud voice, which doesn’t fit to the shy looking guy at all and he flips his hair back, “I’ve just transferred from Guangzhou… my name’s Wu Yifan, and well, as you can judge from my name… I’m not the ordinary type of guy!”

Silence is the answer. People look at him, and Yifan stares back, as if waiting for anyone to pick up on his joke. A few people finally get it, drawing a connecting line to the characters of his name to the pun of not being ordinary, but they just roll their eyes or look at Yifan as if he has lost his mind. Yixing gets the joke too, but opposed to his classmates, a quick laugh escapes his throat. The pun isn’t good, but it’s so bad it’s funny again, and Yixing’s type of humour has always been a little weird. Plus, the whole situation is so awkward, it’s kind of comical.

“Well, thank you Yifan for that introduction, why don’t you sit down on the free table?”

Yifan nods and walks to the free desk in the back of the room. While he passes Yixing’s place, they lock eyes for a second. Yixing tries an encouraging smile as he sees that Yifan’s cheeks are reddened from the embarrassment he just went through.

After the class, they’re set for P.E. and Yifan catches up to Yixing while they leave the classroom for the locker rooms.

“Heyyyyy,” he says as he starts walking next to him, “Thanks for not letting my pun fail completely. It sounded better in my head.”

Yixing slips another giggle, then he says:

“You’re welcome. I like that kind of humour.”

“You do?”

Yixing shrugs, but then nods. Yifan starts grinning, then he says:

“Well, that’s just great. I’m really good at throwing bad puns.”

“I bet you are…” Yixing says, still smiling, then he offers him his hand. “I’m Zhang Yixing.”

When they shake hands, they decide to become friends and within a short span of maybe two weeks, Yifan has already visited Yixing at home for dinner after school. On weekends, they hang around together in malls and cinemas, or spend the day playing on Yifan’s old Playstation. Yixing cannot remember that he’s ever clicked with someone this fast before.

About two months later though, Yifan asks Yixing to meet him at a mall and when they share some snacks and a big milkshake, Yifan blurts out that he’s been having weird thoughts about them. With glassy eyes, he confesses that he might like Yixing more than a guy would like another guy in the casual friendship way, and that he needs to risk Yixing hating him for it because he feels that he needs to get this off his chest.

Yixing, taken by surprise, but feeling his stomach flutter when those words fall from Yifan’s lips, takes Yifan’s hand in response. He starts caressing its back with his thumb, then he says:

“I could never hate you, Yifan.”

In fact, Yixing had similar thoughts. But he doesn’t need to say that, because Yifan understands immediately. That’s what makes their friendship special. They understand each other without a lot of words that need to be spoken. Yixing always knows what Yifan thinks and vice versa. They’re meant to be, at least in Yixing’s eyes.

“So… why are you doing this rental boyfriend thing?” Yixing asks while they’re having dinner, and it seems so alien to him that he thinks about pinching himself, just to be sure he’s not dreaming.

“Oh,” Yifan starts and swallows the potatoes he’s been chewing on, “I’m back in China for my Master’s Degree and I need money.”

Yixing ignores the little sting in his chest. So he’s come back. It’s not like he should expect getting a notification on that, but it still hurts a little that Yifan hasn’t even tried on finding him. He bans the thought into the back of his brain and says instead:

“So you didn’t think of getting a job at a restaurant or something and decided to do some service stuff…”

“Hold up boy, it’s not an service per se!” Yifan defends himself. “I’ve never slept with my clients. Most of the time, women book me that need a boyfriend for a family gathering like weddings or birthdays. You know, they get asked about partners and so they book me for the day and I accompany them.”

“You’re ting me.”

“I swear, it’s really like that. I usually tell their parents about how I met the girl, I befriend their father, and then I leave again. Me showing up usually buys them some more time until they get pressured to marry. It’s pretty lucrative business.”

“So what, you’re getting money for holding hands and drinking Baijiu with dads?”

“I charge extra for hugs and kisses. Hand holding is included in my fee.”

Yixing is shocked, but not surprised in the slightest. It’s Wu Yifan. He always has weird ideas and if he deems one especially great, he pursues it, no matter what.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Yixing admits.

“You don’t have to. I know it sounds weird. And it probably is. But it pays way more than an ordinary job, and my student fees are friggin’ expensive. So there’s that,” Yifan shrugs his shoulders.

The other just nods to indicate he’s understood, then Yifan asks:

“So… what are you up to recently? I haven’t seen you in like… forever.”

Yixing swallows a cocky comment, then says:

“Well… I’m also doing my Master’s Degree… but I’m currently doing an internship, and it looks promising that the company might employ me after getting my degree next semester.”

Yifan’s eyes light up along with a big gummy smile, which always happens when he gets excited about something.

“Really? What are you graduating in?”

“Business management,” Yixing answers briefly, because he doesn’t really like the subject.

“Oh, but that’s good! And if you found a company that’s willing to take you in already, you don’t have to worry about your future for now!”

“Huh,” Yixing says, since he’s not too sure if that is as great as Yifan tries to make it sound.

He surely doesn’t have to worry too much about finding a job, but in fact, he would’ve loved to go to an art school. His mother wouldn’t allow that though and his very mediocre Gaokao result wouldn’t even let him into one of the good schools. It’s sheer luck that he was able to enrol in business management at the local university. He’s been forced to study in a field that he doesn’t even like for five years now, and it’s not what makes him happy. But well. At least his future is saved.

“I always knew you’d make the best out of your situation,” Yifan says.

Yixing knows it’s meant to be a compliment, but he can’t ignore a slight sour taste in his mouth when he hears those words.

***

It’s the middle of June when Yifan storms Yixing’s home.

“The results are out, have you checked yours already?!”

Yifan doesn’t even give him a kiss on the cheek like he always does when he greets him at home, and goes for the computer in Yixing’s room immediately.

Yixing sighs and shuffles after him.

“I haven’t,” he admits.

“Are you ting me? Didn’t your mother press you to check on them?”

“She’s still at work. Dad too. So. Yeah. No.”

Yifan sits down on the desk chair and frowns.

“You don’t even want to know, right?”

“I know I didn’t do too well, why even bother that much…”

Yifan extends one hand and Yixing takes it, getting pulled on the other’s lap. Yifan wraps his arms around his body and kisses his shoulder before he says:

“No matter what you scored, you can’t avoid it forever.”

“Ew.”

He is right, so Yixing gives in and starts the computer to log onto the platform that shows the results for his college entrance exams. It’s been a hard way to this moment. They’ve been tormented with a horrible amount of school work and extra lessons on weekends, weeks of preparation and studying, countless sleepless nights because they needed to cram more and more information into their brains - all for this one exam that determines whether or not you’re allowed to visit college. And, even more important, which college you’re allowed to visit.

Everybody wants to get into the good universities like Peking or Qinghua University. A lot want to go abroad to study. Nobody wants to go to a local university because nowadays, only a diploma from a prestigious university opens you doors to a successful life. It’s stupid, in Yixing’s opinion, but that’s the way it has been for a long time already.

He feels his guts clench when he logs in and the results appear on the page. He’s scored 510 points, which means he’s passed, but it’s only 68% of the total score one can achieve. It’s not the worst result, given the fact how hard the test is, but it could’ve been better. He heaves a sigh.

“I mean. I did what I could, and I passed,” he finally says and Yifan puts his head on his shoulder to read the page himself.

“Hey, you didn’t do too bad in maths, how did that happen?” He jokes and Yixing pinches the back of his hand for that comment.

“.”

“Sorry.” To pacify him, Yifan kisses his cheek. “I’m still proud of you.”

“I’m just not a good student,” Yixing says, “I mean I like the essential idea of learning things, but I hate studying.”

“I know, you’re really not good at that.”

Yixing leans back into his boyfriend and keeps staring at the score that’s dooming him to enrol in a provincial university, shall he ever try for a higher education.

“What did you score?” He then asks.

“Oh… um… I scored… 750.”

Yixing shoots up and turns around to shoot him a shocked look.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No… I… I scored 100%. For real.”

“How in the world did you manage?!” Yixing squeaks which causes Yifan to blush.

“I don’t know, I guess that was also a big portion of luck!”

Yixing keeps staring at him for a while, then he just shakes his head and crashes his lips onto Yifan’s.

“I can’t believe this… you always act so dumb and then you just go ahead and score 750 points…!”

“I’m always full of surprises, I guess…”

Yifan doesn’t quite believe it himself, Yixing knows, and he starts playing with a strand of Yifan’s hair.

“I’m proud of you, baby. Really.”

The compliment makes Yifan smile and he puckers his lips to demand another kiss. Yixing only gives in because Yifan won’t let him go anyways. They stay like this, wrapped up in each other on that chair, until Yixing remembers that they’ve originally wanted to go to the same university, far off from this city to escape not only their families but also most of their class mates. It’s been a dream of theirs to get away together and start some sort of new life in a different city like Shanghai or Beijing. Now that the Gaokao results have spoken, Yixing realises how stupid that dream was.

“Well, which school do you want to visit? You could probably choose from a whole lot of unis,” Yixing finally says and Yifan rolls his eyes.

“My mother actually wants me to go abroad… she already picked out some schools in Canada for me to check out…”

“Oh…” Yixing says, “And… do you want to go?”

“Ugh. I don’t know… it does sound cool and stuff… and I guess having a degree from a Canadian university is probably better than a Chinese degree… but…” Yifan says and rubs his neck, “I really don’t want to be too far away from you…”

The statement warms Yixing’s heart, because he doesn’t want to be far from Yifan either. He’s so used to be seeing him every day, the thought of him moving somewhere else kind of scares him. Still…

“You should think about it though. It’s a great opportunity for you, and you shouldn’t let that go to waste because of me. I’ll support you, no matter where you are in the world.”

Yifan sighs.

“I’ll think about it.”

A few days later, Yifan sends him a message saying that he’s going to try to get into a Canadian university and send out some applications.

Do you think I’ll see polar bears if I get to study in Vancouver?

Yixing wants to smash his phone against the wall when he reads that.

How in the world did a guy like you score 750 points, please tell me!!

The Leona Lewis Christmas album starts all over again with the song in which she’s waiting for her lover.

Snow is falling all around us
My baby's coming home for Christmas
I've been up all night inside my bedroom
He said he'll be with me real soon

What used to be a fun sing-along before gets a whole new connotation with Yifan next to him, so Yixing starts clattering with the cutlery to drown the song in the noise and he finally drops the question that’s been burning in his chest ever since Yifan set foot into his apartment:

“So… how was Canada?”

“Ugh, very cold… and I didn’t see any polar bears, of course…”

The comment makes Yixing twitch because it indicates that Yifan remembers that message just as well as him. Has he thought about him while he was abroad? Yixing surely did, a lot. It was especially hard in the beginning, until the memories of Yifan didn’t flash in front of his inner eye that frequently and the pictures didn’t hurt that much anymore. Or maybe Yixing’s just gotten used to it. He doesn’t really know.

“I saw moose though. , those things are huge!”

Yixing tries a smile, but it comes off rather crooked. Yifan starts telling him more about his experience abroad, telling him about how different the student life in Canada is from what he’s experienced so far in China. He tells him about all the people he’s met and how friendly and open-minded everybody was. He talks about all the food and the cities he’s visited. Hearing him talk like that, Yixing senses that Yifan had a great time over there.

“I think going abroad was a really good idea,” Yifan closes his narrative, “I mean… it made me grow… it forced me to grow. I had to deal with a lot of stuff that I probably wouldn’t have had to deal with here in China. I think it was good I went.”

“Hmm, I see. That’s great.”Yixing tries not to sound too pissed. It’s great. Yifan having a great time, meeting new people, moving on with his life. Still. How is Yifan allowed to move on when Yixing was left in China and is still dealing with his broken heart? It’s outraging to him.

“You know I do have the feeling that you don’t find this great at all,” Yifan allows himself to say. “It’s been five years, but you still do this thing with your lips when something pisses you off.”

Yixing grunts in response. Why the hell is Yifan still able to read him just like that? The smaller of the two looks down on his half finished plate and then the words just fall from his lips:

“Yeah, so what? Do you expect me to be happy for you moving on while I was sitting here in China?”

“Excuse me?!” Yifan scoffs and he puts both his elbows onto the table to lean into Yixing’s direction. “Do you need a little reminder of who broke up with who? Or did you writing me a god damn message that it’s over between us happen in a parallel universe I’m not aware of?!”

Two years. It’s been almost two years since Yifan confessed to Yixing at the mall and now he’s about to leave. Yixing will have to content himself with FaceTiming sessions which will be held at ungodly hours for one of them because the time difference between them is going to be somewhat around 12 hours. Yifan is caught between being overly excited and sad at the same time, and Yixing tries to swallow the lump in his throat every time he thinks about being separated from him. It’s not going to be forever, he tries to remind himself.

Yixing and Yifan have gone through almost every stage a relationship their age can have - except for one thing. It’s almost embarrassing, but Yixing left Yifan hanging for almost two years regarding . They surely did things, but they never went all the way, mostly because Yixing has been horribly unsure of everything. Yifan used to be very cute about it, telling him he’d wait for however long it’ll take Yixing to be ready.

Today, Yixing thinks, he’s ready. Maybe it’s also just the pressure of Yifan getting onto that god damn airplane in a few days, but when his parents tell him they’d be visiting his grandmother in the countryside to check on her, he knows that this is the sign. He’s going to be alone with Yifan, without fearing that his mother will walk in on them offering them a fruit platter or other snacks. If it’s not going to happen today, it’s never going to happen.

Yixing is prepared. With very sweaty hands and his face hidden behind a mask he went and bought condoms and lube, smuggling the stuff past his parents into his room, because, god forbid they find out he’s doing ual things. And when his parents get into the car to leave over the weekend, Yixing asks Yifan to come over.

His boyfriend has no clue what’s going to happen, so he arrives at Yixing’s door in sweatpants and a simple shirt, with a big smile on his face as he walks in.

“Babyyyy,” he sing songs and smacks his lips onto Yixing’s, “How’s it going?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer and proceeds to slip off his shoes, then he walks through the familiar apartment and throws himself onto Yixing’s bed.

“Where are your parents?” He asks and flips through a leaflet that Yixing’s left on the mattress - it’s a list of universities that Yixing can attend… which is not very long.

“Off to grandma’s,” Yixing says and flops down next to Yifan.

“Isn’t that like a three hour car ride?”

“They’ll stay the night there and come back tomorrow evening I guess. Depending on the traffic.”

Yifan sits straight up again and raises an eyebrow.

“You mean…”
“Yeah, we’re alone.”

“So… wait…” Yifan tilts his head, then he turns around to fully face Yixing. He leans over him, both arms supporting his weight and nearing Yixing’s face with a playful expression on his own. “… does that mean Mama Zhang won’t come busting in every time I even try to kiss you?”

“Nah, she won’t. Except for maybe if she decides to call…”

"Where do you have your phone?"

"Kitchen. On mute. So."

"Nice!"

The excited squeal that Yifan just let out makes Yixing snort, but Yifan drowns the noise in a soft kiss, before he puts his weight down onto him. The other puts his arms around Yifan's broad shoulders while he parts his lips and gives Yifan the lead for their kiss.

"I think I'll just kiss you the whole night, to haul up for the time until I come back during semester break," Yifan says at one point after both feel their lips go numb.

"Actually..." Yixing starts, but he's not really sure how to continue.

Yifan frowns and supports his head on his left hand, while the fingertips of his other hand caress Yixing's shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"I... I thought that maybe... we could..."

Yixing is getting frustrated with himself and lets out a grunt, while Yifan just cannot connect the dots and keeps looking at him with a confused look on his face.

"Yifan, please, can't you just think for like two minutes?!" He finally whines.

It takes a few beats, but then Yifan seems to get it. His eyes grow wide and then he asks:

"Are you... sure...?"

The answer is a nod - a hesitant one, but it's a nod. Yifan freezes for a second, before he pulls Yixing close and kisses his forehead.

"Are you sure sure or is that just because I'm leaving now?"

"Yifan. Don't make me reconsider, please," Yixing answers and his hands wander over Yifan's upper body and under the fabric of his shirt. "I want you. Really. Please."

"Ugh, I want you too. So much."

They melt into a kiss, and Yixing's mind starts spinning. There are quite a few thoughts running through his mind that keep him worrying about basically everything, but both of them set a slow pace. Neither of them really knows what exactly to do, since none of them has ever slept with another person before. It goes rather smoothly until both of them are stripped off their clothes, and press their bodies against each other. Their panting gets interrupted by hot breaths and kisses placed on lips, shoulders, collarbones, tummies, and inner thighs which make Yixing's worries disappear.

What follows then though, is kind of awkward. They probably use way too much lube, but Yixing figures that it's better to overdo it. It takes him an awful lot of time to get adjusted to the stretch of Yifan's fingers, and Yifan, being careful and all, still proceeds too fast at times due to his own nervousness. When Yixing has barely gotten used to Yifan's digits inside of him, and even enjoys the feeling of his fingers sliding along his walls, Yifan gets the over his . Yixing feels a mix of panic and anticipation wailing up inside of his stomach, and when he feels the other pushing inside of him, his first reaction is to stiffen all of his muscles, to clench his hole, which only makes the pain worse.

"Sorry, oh my god, did I hurt you?!"

Yifan is just too cute, even when everything is just really weird at the moment. Yixing doesn't think he can stand the worried look on Yifan's face when he looks down on him, so he just pulls him close by the neck and kisses him.

"Slow. Please. Very. Slow," he mumbles against Yifan's lips who nods as a response.

"Maybe... you set the pace..." Yifan then says and takes Yixing's hands, kissing them before he places them onto his own hips.

His idea turns out to be the best in the situation, and Yixing guides Yifan with gentle pressure along, taking deep breaths every time Yifan pushes forward. He's started sweating, and his own has almost grown limp from the pain already, but he's not going to give up now. He just hopes that somewhere along of this ordeal, he'll find the point where he himself can enjoy all of this.

Eventually, he reaches that point when YIfan is buried inside of him, and Yifan's large hand starts pumping his back into full . It distracts from the pain, and when Yifan starts moving, slowly, but advancing to bolder moves once Yixing's gotten comfortable, the smaller of the two lets out a first sigh that edges on a moan. It's awkward, still, but getting better, and after a while, Yixing rocks his hips according to Yifan's movements to get more of that friction. Yifan's all over him, in a metaphorical and literal sense, and his heart beats hard against his chest as their rhythm speeds up. Both of them let out soft moans, Yifan even leaves some short words of praise for the other - his words are sweet, perfectly timed with his s, and Yixing, he just... can't.

The emotions he's feeling, it's just too much. The lust when Yifan's brushes against his prostate, the safety radiating from Yifan's arms wrapped tightly around him, the love expressed in the words falling from the other's lips - it makes Yixing's guts tighten, and when Yifan goes even faster, Yixing cums with Yifan's name on his lips. It's not a loud scream, more like a mewl, but it gets Yifan off immediately after.

Both freeze for a second, trying to put everything into perspective, before Yifan searches for Yixing's mouth again, still breathing heavily, but locking their lips nonetheless into a breathless kiss.

"I love you," he says, before he crashes down on him.

The next day, Yifan leaves around noon because he's set to meet with a few other friends he wants to say goodbye to. Yixing should be busy writing uni applications, but his mind keeps wandering off to last night, and he feels absolutely giddy on the inside. It's not really been exactly how he thought it would be, but it was still good. After all, he's just glad to have Yifan. Even if they can't be together like they want to in the next few months, Yixing is sure that they can get through this. Even more so after last night.

Yixing knows that Yifan isn't too fond of cheesy text messages, but he feels that if he can't send him his thoughts now, his heart is going to burst, so he grabs his phone and types without even thinking too much.

Sorry, I know you don't like that. But I just want to say that you make me the happiest person on this planet, really. Thank you. I love you.

He hits send before he can change his mind about it, then forces himself to focus on his applications again. His phone stays silent, but Yixing doesn't think too much about it, because Yifan is that type of person who reads messages, but then kind of forgets to answer. It's nothing out of the ordinary. And it may even be for the better, because Yixing really shouldn't have any distractions around for the next two hours.

In the evening, Yixing walks over to a nearby restaurant to get himself something to eat since his parents are still on their way home. Yifan’s gotten back to him, saying that he loves him just as much, and he wants to see him one more time before boarding the plane in two days. Yixing thinks it’s weird, because he feels like he should be sad about this, but he can’t stop smiling while he waits for his food to arrive and he rereads Yifan’s message, especially the last line.

We’ll be fine, baby.

“Heyyyy, Yixing!”

The voice of a friend of Yifan’s brings Yixing back to reality. When he looks up, he sees Huang Zitao sitting down on the chair on the opposite side of the table occupied by Yixing.

“Oh, hey!”

He doesn’t really know Tao. Yifan is acquainted to him through a basketball club, and hangs around with him occasionally, but Yifan wouldn’t say they’re besties or something. He’s a friend, but not a very close one.

“How are you?” Tao chatters and checks the number on his receipt, then compares it with the number that’s just been called out and sighs when there are still a few people ahead of him.

“Good, I guess,” Yixing answers.

The other male winks, then grins and says:

“Yeah I would guess so too.”

He leaves out a cackling laughter and Yixing cannot follow. Any other person would’ve probably asked “But aren’t you sad that your boyfriend is leaving?”

“I’m… confused.”

“Well, Yifan was clearly over the moon, haha!” Tao babbles and a naughty grin appears on his face. “And I mean, the poor man has waited long enough for you to come around. I’m happy he finally got his shot in the end.”

“Ex…cuse… me?”

“Oh come on, Yixing, don’t be like that. It’s just . No need to be this prude about it all the time!”

Yixing feels like somebody has poured hot water all over him, and then went on to punch him in the guts. How does Tao even know…?

“Number 73, please pick up your food.”

“Oh, that’s me!” Tao cries out, ignoring Yixing who’s on the brink of a panic attack. Instead, he smiles at him, and adds, “See you around, Yixing! Bye!”

When he’s gone, Yixing needs to take a few breaths to calm himself down. Did Tao just… did Yifan…?

What even just happened?!

He’s confused, and it needs the woman at the counter to call out his own number three times until he reacts. Stumbling home with his food, Yixing tries to make sense of that weird encounter. In the end, there’s only one conclusion: Yifan must’ve told Tao. Like… went straight up to him and said that Yixing finally allowed him to put his in his . The mere thought of it seems crazy, because that’s not how Yifan is. He’s been sweet about it. Always reassured Yixing that it didn’t matter too much to him.

But what if it has mattered? And Yifan was just saying that to make Yixing feel better, when, in fact, he’s gotten impatient and whined about it to Tao? What if the whole thing has been an issue to Yifan after all?

Like, why even Tao? Since when is Tao getting updates on Yifan’s life? Has Yixing missed the point of his boyfriend and that guy becoming so close that Yifan comes running to him about his life? What in god’s name has been going on all the time?

When he comes home, his parents have come back, but he ignores them, puts the food into the fridge, because he’s not really hungry anymore, and sits down on his bed. He surely feels angry at Tao for dropping those comments, but additionally to that, Yixing feels… betrayed.

Betrayed is a good word. Yifan knew exactly how touchy Yixing was, and still is, about that topic. Yixing trusted Yifan. And he just went ahead and betrayed that trust. He must have, otherwise Tao wouldn’t know. And that’s probably the worst part.

Yifan tries to contain his composure, and when Yixing keeps rambling about trust issues, the taller finally drops a question that has seemed to haunt him for the last years:

“Yixing… why… why did you break up with me actually?”

“Oh, you don’t know?!” Yixing snaps, totally forgetting about his dinner in front of him.

“No, I don’t, you never gave me a reason! I was left wondering about this for the last five years! My guess was always that you… I don’t know, didn’t think we’d get through a long distance relationship… or that you didn’t trust me enough for us to get through that.”

He sounds hurt, and for a second Yixing grows weak against him. He never thought they couldn’t make it work through the distance. Yixing truly believed that Yifan would be his first and his last boyfriend. The one person he’d grow old with. He knew that Yifan would come home for semester holidays, which would’ve shortened the periods in which he wouldn’t be around. He was willing to wait for him, and he trusted Yifan that he’d do the same. Not trusting him has never been the issue.

“It wasn’t that,” Yixing finally says and tries to act cool.

“Then what was it?”

“You really don’t know? How you went straight to Tao and told him about us having ? Like, I mean, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal for you, but you knew exactly how sensitive I was about that topic.”

“I did what?!”

“Don’t act like that. Tao came up to me and told me - and I know, it probably sounds petty, but that really hurt me, Yifan. It felt like… you lied to me about being okay waiting. Like you kept whining about it to Tao and the moment I was the most vulnerable, you just went ahead and bragged about it to a guy who wasn’t even that close to us… or me, to be more precisely.”

So there it is, out in the open. And Yixing realises that he might have overreacted, but back then, as a fragile 18 year old, it really felt like he’s gotten betrayed.

Yifan blinks confused, then he shakes his head.

“Come again? What did Tao say?”

“Oh please, don’t act like you don’t know.”

“I… I really don’t? Yixing? I have no idea what you’re talking about, I didn’t…” Yifan stops mid-sentence, and then some sort of realisation seems to hit him.

His flat hand falls down onto the table and makes the tableware clatter. His mouth falls open and then he exclaims:

“Oh noooooo! Don’t tell me… !”

“Seems like you do remember,” Yixing mumbles and rolls his eyes.

“Yixing! It wasn’t like that! I would’ve never… that you even think that way, the whole situation was completely different!”

Yixing crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks back at Yifan, a sign telling him that he should explain himself.

“Listen, Yixing, I did meet up with Tao and a few other guys for some coffee and talks because that was the last time I’d see them before leaving for Canada,” Yifan launches his explanation, lifting his hand as if he wants to reach out for the other, but puts it down again, “And… okay, well, you know, I just kept smiling through the whole conversation… and I… I think you also sent me a message that day? Like, a really cute one, and I was… damn, Yixing, I was just really happy, yeah… I mean we’ve waited so long for that… and Tao, that little , he just picked up on it right away. He kept asking why I was all smiley and , and kept pestering me to tell him what happened to me to be in such a good mood.”

“Oh, so you just went ahead and told him that your prude boyfriend finally let you him?”

“What?! No! He basically said that himself! He was all ‘Oh, I think you finally got the D, right, Fanfan?’ I mean you know how he is… was… whatever! I didn’t say anything though, but my stupid grin gave me away and all the other people at our table started hollering… I mean, Yixing, we were 18. Our hormones were out of control. Guys hear the word ‘’ and flip their tables. But I really didn’t… I didn’t say it outright, because I knew how much that meant to you!”

The information reaches Yixing very slowly. Then, it suddenly makes sense - Tao talking like that, not really going into details, but rather dropping vague comments about it. It was just him being a little , probably even unintentionally. And instead of just talking to Yifan, Yixing threw a hissy fit and cut the cord.

“Yixing, I love…d you, I would’ve never done that,” Yifan says softly, and Yixing flinches at the short moment of him pausing.

Yixing forgets how to breathe for a second as the realisation washes over him. He’s been such a little, stupid , shutting out his boyfriend over basically nothing, and bringing all the misery he went through upon himself. It hasn’t been Yifan who was in the wrong here. It’s been himself all along.

“I’m… so… stupid?!” He finally exclaims and doesn’t even dare to look at Yifan.

“I cannot believe this,” the other male says, “All this drama for a thing that you could’ve just asked me about… and here I was wrecking my brains about what I did wrong… it took me over a god damn year to get over you…”

"Well, congratulations, I'm still trying to," Yixing slips, which was really not meant for Yifan to hear.

The awkward silence that emerges between them is getting so unbearable, Yixing just snatches Yifan's half cleared plate from under his nose and carries everything into the kitchen. . . ! That's clearly not how he imagined the evening to go down! Damn you, Byun Baekhyun, for this stupid idea!

"Yixing."

Yixing flinches as he hears Yifan's voice from behind as he smashes the plates into the sink. Angry tears wallow up in his eyes, and the worst part is, that he's mostly angry at himself.

"Please, Yifan, just..."

... go, but he doesn't dare to say that out loud. Does he actually want the other one to leave?

"Are you serious? Like? With what you just said?"

Yixing grunts and turns around. He sees Yifan kneading his hands, something he always did when he was nervous, for example when he had to hold a presentation at school. Old habits die hard. Yifan is still the awkward tall dork from five years ago. More so, the awkward tall dork that Yixing fell in love with.

"Even if I was, it doesn't change anything," Yixing responds and sniffles, trying hard not to cry, "I screwed up anyway. It's my fault. Everything. I pushed you away because I was a petty , and you moved on, and had a great life, and I was just..."

He pauses and presses his thumb and index finger onto the bridge of his nose.

"I... ugh, forget what I said."

"But..."

"No, forget it. Get your things and go. If I were you, I wouldn't want to spend one more minute with myself. I destroyed what we had, it's..."

When the tears threaten to roll down Yixing's cheeks, Yifan huddles over without saying a thing and throws his arms around him. Five years. That equals something around 1800 days in which Yixing has kept feeling sorry for himself, over a thing caused by his own stupidity. Five years in which he spent nights missing Yifan to the degree of not being able to sleep, yet he's been too proud to send him a message.

"Yixing, do you really want me to go?"

The younger feels Yifan's deep voice resonating in his chest that he buried his face into, and feels himself shaking his head slightly.

"Don't you want to go?" Yixing asks softly.

"I think I want to talk this out."

They loosen the embrace to look at each other and Yixing doesn't know how to react when he sees Yifan carrying a soft smile on his lips.

"Just because I said I got over you doesn't mean I was happy with who I met... I didn't even date anyone on a serious basis. They've been... people I passed my time with."

Yixing stays silent and presses his lips together. He feels all sorts of things right now, and it's getting a little much for him to handle. There's anger at himself, mostly. Then there's a little sting of jealousy in his chest when Yifan said that he's seen other people. But also a little glimmer of hope that they can maybe find a solution, or work things out. That little beacon of hope gets smothered by Yixing's more rational part of his brain though. Don't get your hopes up too high, boy.

"I'm sorry it turned out like this," Yixing manages to say, followed by a dry sob. "I really am. It could've been so different... if I had only talked to you..."

"Hmm, well, yeah, most probably," Yifan retorts and takes Yixing's face in his hands, like he did so many times before back then.

Being wrapped up like this, by Yifan's hands, his body, and his smell, feels like coming home after a long day. For the first time in five years, Yixing's heart, not his mind though, given the awkward situation, feels at ease. God, how he's yearned for this feeling to come back.

"I wish I could turn back time," he hears himself say.

"I'm afraid you can't, and what happened, happened," Yifan answers, but comes closer with his face nonetheless, "You can't change the past."

Yixing almost needs to cross his eyes as he tries to keep looking at Yifan's face that's now barely a few inches away. He feels his breath ghosting over his skin and starts shivering.

"You know what's funny?"

"... huh?"

"In those shows with time travel themes... there's always this notion that if you change one little thing in the past, it will have huge impacts on the future. But nobody really dares to think that changing something in the present might just do the same."

Yixing doesn't understand and frowns. He curls his lips like he always does when he's at loss for words or thoughts and raises one eyebrow in question. Seems like Canada made a philosopher out of Yifan.

"I mean... small things, right? Like... what if I kissed you in this moment? What would the future look like?"

"... I..."

"I really would like to. Kiss you."

Shock flashes through his body when he hears that.

"You... really want to? Even after what we just realised?"

"Maybe even because of that. I don't know, but I feel like this was never over between us..."

Yixing holds his breath and doesn't even move an inch, which Yifan seems to take as a sign of consent. Slowly, he overcomes the last bit of distance between them and when Yixing finally, finally feels Yifan's soft lips against his again, his heart feels like it's going to burst. He almost forgot how that feels like. He's come to terms with the fact that kissing Yifan will forever be a memory. And now, he's standing in his kitchen, on Christmas Eve, kissing the only boy in the world he’s ever wanted to kiss.

Yifan doesn't try to work his tongue into Yixing's mouth. He's not nibbling at his bottom lip, not attempting to turn this into a make out session. He's just there, puckering his lips, putting gentle pressure on Yixing's mouth, and Yixing reciprocates accordingly. It's innocent and pure, a kiss of those sorts which expresses deep devotion to the other. It makes Yixing even dizzier in the head than a heated kiss pressed against a wall would.

He doesn't know for how long they stand there and just peck at each other's lips, but eventually, Yifan pulls his head back. His hands have come to a rest on Yixing's neck to hold him close, and Yixing's arms somehow found their way around Yifan's hips.

The silence gets interrupted with a comment on Yifan's behalf.

"By the way, Baekhyun did not pay for a kiss. He really just booked the flowers additionally."

Yixing can't help but to burst out into laughter, and he needs to rest his head against Yifan's shoulder.

"So... what did that do to our future now, huh?"

Yifan manages to make the eased tension grow tense again and Yixing leans back to fully face him. Yifan lets go and supports himself with his hands on the counter behind Yixing, cornering him like that.

"What would you like it to do?"

"I think... I would like it to give us a second chance. Like... I mean... we can't really pick up from where we left exactly... because I guess both of us aren't exactly the same like we were five years ago... but that would only mean I'd get to date you anew a second time.”

"You're... really not mad at me?"

"... just promise me that this time, you'll just talk to me instead of jumping to conclusions."

Yixing looks at Yifan who carries a soft and forgiving smile on his face. He gets the feeling that this man is just too good for this world. Maybe even too good for him, but his heart is pumping so much endorphins through his body, he just blurts out:

"Promise! I've learned my lesson!"

His outburst elicits a low chuckle out of Yifan who throws his arms around the other one and rubs their noses against each other. Yixing melts at once.

"God, I really need to change the album, this is embarrassing!" Yixing cries out and stumbles into the living room.

Yifan follows with a laugh and suggests:

"Put on Sia's Christmas album. The songs on there are pretty cool."

Yixing nods, then searches for said album on QQ music. When the first tunes of the first song carry through the speakers, Yifan plops down next to him on the couch.

"Merry Christmas, I guess," he says then.

Yixing's cheeks hurt from the big, dimple-revealing smile he's got plastered on his face. When Yifan answers with his trademark gummy smile, Yixing starts giggling, and leans into him, before he says:

"Yeah. Merry Christmas. I'm still going to kick Baekhyun's , we couldn't even finish half of the food... such a waste."

Yifan snorts, and wordlessly throws his arms around the other to hold him tight.