I've waited for you 641 days, 19 hours, 32 minutes, 8 seconds.  After the first hour, each day seems to take longer than the last.
I've written you a letter each day to let you know how much I've missed you, how much I love you.
And I continue to count each passing second like a heart beat from you, my heart, now far, far out of my reach.
Do you remember that day you said goodbye?
You stood there staring at me, your heart peeking out of your eyes for all to see. No words were needed. I could hear your love loud and clear.
We held hands for as long as we could, neither one wishing to let go. Eyes stuck on each other while everything and everyone else became a faded blur.
I wished you didn't have to leave. I told you that with a heavy heart. I only said it once, but it was enough. It's an added burden you need not carry for me.
Then you told me you wished you didn't have to go.
I won't say goodbye, you whispered, because I will be coming back.
I know, my love, I know...

You looked so handsome in your uniform. I was so proud; look how tall you stood, so striking, a delight for all to see. 

That day, everyone yelled and clamored for your attention. You heard; you smiled; ever generous always with your time. The lights flashed brightly from every corner, every one wanting a piece of you. But even then, though blinded by the strobe of lights, I saw how you constantly searched for me, pinning me with your gaze. And I could no more escape the beam of your eyes pulling me to you no matter where you are, where I am, no matter who stood between us, than I could stop my heart from beating. 

All I wanted was more time, an endless day with you, one uninterrupted.
And I knew you wanted the same.

It did not matter we had spent all of our days and nights together before, not when we were now faced with 642 days of being apart. How could I be missing you when you were still here in my arms, here on our last night?

You said I am strong; I can hang on until you come back. I said yes, perhaps. But I only know I needed to be stronger. Because you see, I don't want to make it on my own. I am selfish when it comes to you. I want you with me, always with me.

We both knew the time would come for this goodbye. It hung upon our heads yet we chose to ignore it, spending precious time we had until then together, constantly together. It did not matter where you or I went, what we did; one was always nearby unbeknownst to the public. 

And for those times I cannot be there with you, how quickly you would rush to return back to me. And I...I had done the same, yearning for you incessantly as if our time apart was one long bated breath. I needed you as much as I needed air to breathe, for as long as I will need to until my lungs give out. And oh, my love how I needed you right now.

You said, wait for me. You held me so tight, I could feel your heart beating next to mine. How could I not wait for you? Don't you know I will wait a lifetime just to feel your arms around me again, to feel your heart beating like a drum each time we kiss, to feel your breath close to mine?

I miss you. I have missed you every single hour of every single day. And never was there a time you weren't in my thoughts. Now 641 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes, 17 seconds later, I am still waiting, waiting for the day when my heart returns to me.

Do you know I would often visit our special places? Places you've taken me where we spent lovely moments together? Even knowing you wouldn't be there, my eyes searched for you constantly, seeing you again and again in my mind's eye. I longed to see you and wished it were just the way in my dreams, where I would be pleasantly surprised to turn around and find you have never left, but stood there smiling at me, eyes full of love, eyes that only see me. Yet even my dreams are not perfect; if it were I would not have woken to find your side of the bed still cold and empty. And I am reminded yet again how far, far away you are from me in distance and time. 

But I've learned to put on a smile, to sound happy during those few moments we get to speak with each other. But you knew anyway. You knew exactly how much I've missed you. And even far away as you are, you would care for me, trying to make me laugh, to ease the burden of me missing you. And these calls were never long enough. I wished we could speak well into the night, just like those moments we had a long time ago, back in our early days. You would sing me to sleep, remember? You would wait until I had fallen asleep. Even then sometimes you wouldn't even hang up, but would fall asleep with me over the phone. That's how I know how much you love me, because even when we were apart then, you made me feel you were so very close. 

Now the sound of your voice still lingers and haunts me everytime, even after our good nights (no, never goodbyes, remember?). And I never told you how lying alone in our empty bed kept me awake as I longed for you, always wishing you were here back with me. And you know the hardest part of it is your scent that has slowly faded away from our bed, from the pillow I hugged to me day after day and night after night. I have stood many countless times in our closet, just touching your shirts, searching for your familiar scent. And after a while your shirts too have started to lose your scent. And my tears have stained these shirts countless times instead...

But I don't tell you this. I don't tell you my sleepless nights. I need not add to your burden when I know you already feel the weight of being away. And I needed you to be safe, to stay focused on the task at hand; for the sooner you complete them, the sooner you will come back to me.

On our last night together, you told me not to be sad. You said your heart felt heavy seeing me this way as you wiped the tears from my cheeks. Your hands were soothing, so gentle, but you've always been gentle with your caresses to me. And I will never forget how you kissed me after, with lips so soft and pliant, seeking to own mine.

My love...I have always been yours for the taking; willingly, wholeheartedly I am. Yours.

I never had to question your love for me; never then, certainly not now. Not when you have always been generous in showing me how it is to love someone expressively. I never knew passion such as this until I met you. You brought out the woman in me I never knew existed. And I was and am always eager to learn from you. I've learned more about myself from the way you loved me.

Since loving you I am no longer myself, no, not of my own. Because I am yours. In our moments together I see myself in your eyes, and I am a puddle of heat, all molten fire brought forth by your hands. And each time you loved me, I became less just me, but more of us; you and me finally made whole. I've lost myself in you, willingly, without regrets, without apologies. And I don't care what others say, that I should be my own person, that I should not let someone have a hold on me like this. I don't care. I will be lost without you. You see, I am more me, with you.

And so these final 641 days, 22 hours, 33 minutes, 30 seconds I sit and wait. I sit and wait for my heart to come back to me. So I can start feeling alive again, so I can begin living once more. And then I will finally stop searching for your face in the crowd, your voice amongst the din, your warmth in our cold, cold bed. And this distance we found between us will be but a faded memory. 

You will know much I love you; this I promise you. You have always been the expressive one who never ceased to amaze me. You will see I'm braver now. You've made me brave.  Our time apart had only made me realize how tenuous our hold is in this lifetime. So I will not hesitate anymore. I will shout your name to the heavens and let the world know. And I will be selfish. Let the world deal with the chips as they fall. You are mine, and mine alone.

You will be here soon. And this letter will sit in the night stand. I will put it in an envelope and write "Open and Read when I made you sad." We are not perfect you and I; far from it. But our imperfections made us perfect for each other. I know we will have trying times. We are both human in such a difficult profession after all. And I am just me, flawed and scarred just like everyone else. There's not much difference between them and I, except for one; and that is, you loving me.

So please remember, if I ever hurt you, forgive me and know I did it without malice. I will only admit to one fault. If I were to be called guilty, let it be for loving you-- with everything that I have, with everything that I am. 

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And now the clock strikes. 642 days have passed since I last saw you, since our last hug good night (never ever a goodbye). The letter sits at home on your side of the bed. I hope you will not need to read it any time soon. I have set aside days uninterrupted to spend alone with you, just you and me, in a cabin somewhere in the south. We will go visit your parents and mine, and let them have their fill of you first until we take our leave. And it will finally be my turn. I have 642 days of missing you to make up for, to make you feel my love, to show my constancy. I want to spend every minute of each day in your arms, to remember our kisses, your arms around me, the feel of your hard body next to mine. I want to remember how it feels to be possessed by you, be drunk of you, be made senseless by your merest touch. And I, I longed to touch you...my hands will trace the contours of your face, the slope of your nose, the curve of your lips. My fingertips will remember the tips of your elfin ear, the angle of your jaw, the shape of your throat, your adam's apple moving in response to my touch. And my lips will soon remember how your kisses felt; the way you would nibble and tug, teasing me until finally claiming my lips in full. Your kisses will intoxicate me, rendering me incoherent, and I will surrender willingly to your exploration. 

Soon I will remember how your hands are so skillful in bringing me untold pleasure. You have always put my needs first, always seeking to bring me to completion before attending to your own. And just like in the past I will protest in the beginning, wanting to bring you pleasure first for a change. You will deny me this, always putting me first in lieu of yourself. And I have taken, always taken selfishly. But today I will be brave and take charge for once. I will give you the love you are so good at giving -first.  I know I will be shy, though I am hardly an innocent. And as I plan this I feel the blush on my cheeks just thinking how it will go. Will you let me?....

But I know you as well as I know myself. Just like countless times in the past, you will murmur in my ears, tell me sweet nothings that render me weak and wanting from your mere words alone. With my arms pinned above my head, you will look at me with those heated gaze, telling me how beautiful I am, how much you love me, how much you desire me after all these times we have been apart. And you will start these slow nipping kisses, teasing me until you finally fit your lips to mine and I give in to your deep lingering kiss, while your hands continue their path of exploration, reacquainting yourself with my secret places until we are both breathless, wanting each other more and more. And it will be glorious. And we will spend every minute, every hour of every single day in each other's arms, making up for lost time, making love all this time. And we will again be whole, a completed puzzle; a piece perfectly fitting only each other. And I will find my haven in your arms, and you...your home in mine.

 

I stood and watched and waited and I see a glimmer of you. My sunshine, my heart, my love. You shine brightly than the sun above the skies. And my heart lurched sensing your nearness. And your eyes roamed until it found mine and held it unwaveringly. And disregarding everyone else, you walked towards me purposefully, unerringly in your path, until you reached me and grasped my hands, amidst the clamor, the lights, the buzz of the crowd.

And I stood with bated breath, my pulse beating like a drum in my ears. and I thought I could not be any more breathless in the nearness of you. But then you kissed me...

I do not know how long we kissed, now that time and distance have been rendered moot. It mattered to me not.

All I know is that you are here. After 642 days of waiting, you are here with me finally.

My heart, my love, my all...

 

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