It was late. The sun had gone down hours ago, and yet Momo was still awake, curled up on the bed and staring at the clock as the minutes ticked by. She had class in the morning, but there was no use trying to sleep. She’d given up trying hours ago, when her head started getting clogged with memories and she saw a face every time she closed her eyes.

Above on the other side of the room, she could hear her roommate shifting in her sleep, but that was the only sound in the otherwise silent room and it was driving her crazy. She wanted to get up and find her earbuds, but she didn’t want to wake up her roommate, who had an insane 8am class. So she laid there, trying to focus on anything but the silence hanging over the room and the memories plaguing her brain.

After a few more minutes of watching the clock, Momo couldn’t stand the silence any longer. With a look over her shoulder to make sure her roommate was still asleep, she slipped out of the bed and tip-toed over to her desk, where her earbuds lay over her laptop. They made a scraping sound as she picked them up, the metal of the earbuds against the cover of the laptop, but her roommate didn’t seem to notice, still breathing evenly, so Momo slipped back into her bed and picked up her phone.

The moment she opened YouTube, Beast’s “On Rainy Days” started playing, and she couldn’t bring herself to stop it. Instead, she let it flood through her brain, staring at the lyrics on the screen. It wasn’t even raining, but a part of her could relate to the lyrics, so she let it play, mouthing along to the chorus.

She hadn’t meant to start playing sad songs, she just wanted to kill the silence. But before she knew it, she was playing GN.a’s “I’ll Back Off so You can Live Better”, and then 2am’s “I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me”, and by the time she got to Urban Zakapa’s “I Don’t Love You”, tears were streaming down her face.

Angry at herself for crying, she scrubbed them away, but they just kept flowing until burned from trying to keep her sobs silent. She let out a little hiccup, and a sniffle, and felt her bed dip ever so slightly.

Quickly, she jerked her head up to see her roommate crawling into her bed. Even though she looked tired, she reached across to touch Momo’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” The answer was obvious, and Momo felt so bad for waking her up, but the moment the other girl’s hand touched her shoulder, the sobs escaped her sore throat.

“Sana,” she said, placing her phone down. She couldn’t bring herself to actually answer the question. Quietly, Sana took her in her arms and reached over to turn off the song.

“You can’t listen to things like that this late at night. That’s when it hurts the most.” Momo didn’t respond, just buried her face in Sana’s shoulder and tried not to remember.

She desperately tried not to remember, but being held in someone’s arms for the first time in so long just reminded her and she sank deeper and deeper, eyes squeezed shut and chest shattering.

She remembered Mina’s hands, touching her shoulders and massaging the pain out of her back. She remembered her laugh and the way her hand felt and how she tasted when Momo pushed her against her bed and kissed her silly. She remembered the way Mina had blushed after she’d kissed her for the first time, remembered how Mina had tasted like the cotton candy they’d just finished eating, and how soft Mina’s hair felt when she ran her fingers through it. She remembered how they met as freshmen, how they’d walk to class hand in hand and she remembered the many nights they stayed awake, doing homework together and sharing secrets and love. She remembered Mina buying her food when she was sick and she remembered staying by Mina’s side when she hurt herself doing ballet.

Most of all, though, she remembered Mina’s face as she uttered the words that Momo just couldn’t seem to get out of her head.

“We should break up. I don’t think I can love you like I used to. We both need to move on to better people.”

Just like that, Momo’s two years of love had fallen to pieces and left her brokenhearted, sitting dumbfounded in a Starbucks as the only girl she’d ever loved stood up and walked out the door. It wasn’t until Mina was gone that a response had risen in Momo’s throat.

“What if there’s nobody better for me than you.”

But Mina was gone, and Momo had said it to the air.

So now Momo remembered, and sobbed into Sana’s shoulder, and felt bad about Sana’s 8am class until she exhausted herself and fell asleep.

She woke up to her alarm piercing the air and a note left by Sana.

Momo,

I got you some breakfast, it’s in the microwave. Feel better and no listening to sad songs. Let’s go get ice cream tonight.

-Sana

For a moment, Momo stared at the letter. and eyes still hurt from crying, and her face felt stiff, but the letter made her feel a bit better. Telling herself to think about getting ice cream instead, Momo stood up and shook herself, stumbling over to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. For a moment afterwards, she stared at her reflection in the mirror and touched the dark circles under her eyes and looked at her chapped lips and told herself that she wouldn’t date her either. Then she washed her face again and slapped her cheeks.

“Cheer up,” she told her reflection, and tried smiling, but it felt forced and she let her face fall. Oh well. She couldn’t be happy all the time.

She yanked a hoodie over her head and slipped into a comfortable pair of leggings before grabbing the food Sana had left in the microwave and scarfing it down. She was already running late to class, so she grabbed the bread to carry with her and slipped on her shoes before leaving the dorm.

She was halfway through the bread and almost to class when a sight in front of her made her stop dead in her tracks.

Walking towards her was Mina, looking as beautiful as she had when they were dating. Her hair was nice even windblown, and she was smiling as widely as she used to. And she was holding someone’s hand.

The girl beside her had an attractive smile, short hair, and a tomboy style, with her hat on backwards and the hand not holding Mina’s in her pocket. She carried herself with an air of confidence Momo had never possessed, and Momo couldn’t move. Mina laughed at something this girl said, and Momo felt sick. She managed to force herself to move to the side as they got closer, telling her feet to move forward, and Mina finally looked up.

Her eyes widened a bit in recognition, but she said nothing. Her eyes moved away and she passed Momo without so much as a nod of the head.

Again, Momo stopped. Then, very slowly, she turned around to look back at them and watched Mina walk away with this other girl who was holding her hand. She watched them for a moment before turning back around and moving forward, eyes and chest burning, and not just from the chill in the air.

Appetite gone, she dropped the rest of the bread in the trash can inside the building her class was in. Then she stood outside her classroom, already late, staring at the floor and debating whether or not to go in. Finally, she flipped up her hood, slipped in of her earbuds, and stepped into the classroom.

The professor didn’t even seem to notice her enter, but why would he, when the lecture hall was so big she could barely hear him down at his desk.

The room was dark, and a video was playing on the screen, so she moved to the far seat on the back row and sat down, quietly enough not to disturb the one other student beside her, who was obviously sleeping. Then she pulled out her phone, connected the earbuds, and Bolbbalgan4′s “Hard to Love”.

Hopefully, by the time the two hour class was over and the professor turned back on the lights, the tears streaming down her face would stop.