Jan 17, 2017 ; 11;09 P.M.

"i'm not just tryin to be your friend" Momo types in the chat box.  She stares at the blinking cursor for a minute.  There's no elipses, no bitmoji pop up, nothing that would indicate Sana is going to reply back anytime soon.  She could be sending this message into the void.  And she knows in 24 hours she would 110% regret sending it, so she deletes, and sends a smiley face instead.

"sure," she finishes, "study date at the library is just what I need!"

It's not -for the record- she slams her laptop shut.  Three months of online dating and she wants to strangle Jihyo for suggesting it to her.  Strangle Nayeon for making fun of her.  And strangle Mina for already being happily in a relationship, which is what subconsciously tilted Momo into making this stupid profile.

As she dragged herself to bed (teeth can be brushed in the morning) she wondered if it's not just a cynical observation -if maybe some people are truly destined to be alone forever.

February 13th, 2017 ; 8:00 PM

"any V-day plans?"

"you mean Day?"

"yep, that's the one!"

Momo snickered to herself.  If there's one thing bearable about these painfully pointless conversations with Sana, it was that at least they had the same sense of humor.

"just browsing catalogues online and eating through all of last year's leftover chocolates"

Momo didn't believe that.  She took most of Sana's self-deprecating comments with a grain of salt.  If her profile pictures were no lie, then a girl that pretty was probably turning down dates left and right.  Maybe she was like Momo's friend Tzuyu... digital dating just for kicks, not because she actually needs the help.

"same" she replies numbly.  suddenly their banter wasn't entertaining anymore.  she was about to hop off, done for one night's worth of pining, when Sana replied-

"u wanna hang tomorrow?"

Momo's fingers twitched over the keys.  Before even considering the implications her mind first ran through a bunch of anciliary details - she doesn't have a car, or a license for that matter, and only like 21$ to spend at most, plus all her nice pants are dirty she'd either have to pull an all-nighter doing laundry or just perfume the last pair of ripped jeans she threw in the hamper

-the screen blinked with another message-

"sorry it's just... I know you have your own pace but it can be totally platonic.  I was just hoping we could go on one date, try it out if you're comfortable"

Holy .  Suddenly the romantic in her died replaced by a tiny panicking elf.  It was screaming "don't do it! stranger danger!  she's catfishing you!  it's not gonna work out anyways!"

No, no, no, her inner self-chanted but what she actually ended up saying was 

"sure"

March 16, 2017 5:04 PM

"FaceTime tonight?"

"sure... I'll text you first"

Momo put her phone face down on the floor and got up to finish her work out.  She thought she had given up dance two years ago but her university counselor suggested she get back into it.  Though they hadn't explained how it was gonna help with Momo's crippling anxiety and Titanic-esque GPA, she had to admit that dancing made her feel a lot better.  The burn under her skin after a tough workout, the satisfaction after nailing a routine. It was worth the sweat, and the extra hours outside not in her comfortable pajamas.

Once she was on the bus back home, she had time to mull over the text.

She and Sana had been texting since their first date -continuing to talk on OkCupid was awkward from that point on.  It felt like a graduation of some sort; texting was for real friends, not online acquaintances.  And FaceTiming was for... ?  Momo didn't dare to answer the question.

Three dates and they hadn't kissed yet, though Sana once flashed her a tit on a late night FaceTime but it was sort of a dare, and not y at all, and Momo only felt weird about it when she thought about explaining it to others.

The routine went like this; small talk via text scattered throughout the day, then when Sana returned from her Real Adult Job, she would ask to FaceTime.  Momo would accept, and Sana would get a 20 minute televised version of her nightly skin care ritual, ugly face mask included, and remind Momo to peel it off before it became permanently glued to her skin.  Then she'd get changed somewhere just off camera, to annoy Sana (at least she thinks she's annoying her) and come back to bed, and they'd talk for hours on which 90's cartoon deserves a remake, and which makeup trend is surely going to die in the next two weeks.

"Personally, glitter eyebrows have got to go," Sana ranted, and Momo laughed tiredly.  She was trying to think up a witty comeback but Sana spoke up once again.

"Are you okay?"

They've been over this a few times.  Her mental health wasn't something Momo liked talking about, mostly because she herself didn't understand it very well.

"I had a long work out today."  She groaned as she stretched out her back, "you would've loved it.  I was sweaty all over."

"I can let you sleep if you want," Sana replied, and Momo was so stunned she didn't make a lewd joke that she actually choked a little.

"Are you okay?" she asked again.

Momo nodded.

"I'm just out of it."  

Sana nodded, and didn't say anything, just continued to watch her until Momo mustered up a smile.  It wasn't her best fake smile, but she's way more uncomfortable with silence than she is with fake happiness.

"I bet you're tired though, wrestling all those kids in the kindergarten."

Sana rolled her eyes, "-ugh, don't get me started" and Momo grinned, settling happily back down into her pillow.

July 6th, 2017 11:15 P.M.

It's pretty cliche to send "I miss you" texts, but here Momo is... thumb hovering just above the "send" button and feeling like an incredibly stupid person for about the 1000th time in her life.

In 6 months she'd managed to get a few dates out of a cool girl from online.  They never kissed.  They held hands like once but it was too cold and the timing was weird.  And Momo realized no one is ever as pretty as they seem in person, and she realized that she might be more shallow than she thought she was.  She ended it before it could even become something, and now she was sitting down in the shower, chin on the edge of her tub, hesitating to press send on the most damning text message a person could ever dare to send.

She closed her eyes, pressed down, and waited.

November 19th, 2017 6:31 P.M.

"Can I be honest though?  I don't want to go over this over and over again.  I just never 100% know how I'm feeling at any given time, so that's why I can't tell you 100% honesty how I feel.  And I just want you to be okay with that?"

Momo could give less than a what was deemed socially appropriate texting rhetoric.  Her friends had already dragged her to Hell and back, and then back again because of the online dating fiasco.  Several more mis-trials with nobodies who meant nothing, and she finally had a second chance with Sana.  It didn't feel as great as she thought it would, but she's learning that's something she'll have to adjust.  Her expectations had always been, you meet someone, you date them, you fall in love.

Maybe for Mina things worked like that.  But she realized, staring at a "Read 6:31 P.M." that it could be way more complicated than that.  It took until 9 PM for Sana to reply, and by then Momo was falling asleep.  She peered  over at the notification, debated waiting till the morning so at least she'd get a good night's sleep, but then opened it.

"it's okay.  I was being weird or whatever.  Impatient?  I don't want to pressure you -and I'm also in no rush- but I'm not just trying to be friends.  it's okay however you feel.  no matter what, it's okay.  you can text me whenever I guess, we'll see what happens"

Momo chuckled.  She should screenshot all of these messages for Jihyo to use as inspiration in her next short fiction.  The kind of stacatto pace of their relationship was something so weird and poetic it would surely win an indie film festival award if cultivated under the careful artistic hands of one Park Jihyo.

She put the phone back down.  Closing her eyes she had the same dream as always; Sana's hand sliding up her cheeks.  A phantom touch - Momo has no real life memory to draw from - but in her dream she imagines it's warm, and soft, and Sana leans in, and she's not exactly smiling but she seems determined, and Momo feels willing, and they pull closer and closer and-