It was raining that day, but it was nothing compared to how Jihoon felt inside. He barely hold himself together watching the love of his life was buried under the ground. Watching his other half gone slowly although his body wasn’t in the world anymore but his soul remained close in Jihoon’s heart and mind. Jihoon watched slowly how Seungcheol’s coffin slowly gone from his sight. People who attended the funeral knew how much Seungcheol was loved, how great he was as a person when he was alive, by the amount of tears people shed for him. But among all people there, Jihoon, Lee Jihoon, the one whom always be introduced by Seungcheol as his soulmate, his better half, his everything is the one who knew the best about Seungcheol. about how they complete each other life, and when Seungcheol gone, Jihoon knew his life wouldn’t be the same again. Would never, no matter how hard he would try and he didn’t even want to try it. 

It was still raining when most of the people who attended the funeral went back home, but there was still Jihoon there, sitting under the rain with his close friends remained standing beside him knew better than to leave Jihoon alone at that moment.

“He’s gone…” Jihoon finally opened his mouth after hours of silent since the moment Seungkwan called him about the accident. Seungkwan himself who was in a mess after he heard about the accident trying his best to stay strong for Jihoon, the latter stared blankly to the graveyard. Seungkwan crouched down to the same level of Jihoon and instead of telling him sweet words like ‘it’s gonna be ok’ Seungkwan put his arms around Jihoon and caressed him gently like he was holding a very fragile thing “and he said he’s coming back in few days…” Jihoon said again still staring blankly to the ground “he’s a liar Seungkwan… he’s a liar…” and Jihoon broke down.

Would life be ever the same again without Seungcheol beside him? After years of staying together, stick close to each other, both Jihoon and Seungcheol never thought about death as if they are going to live together forever so now when something inevitable like death happened Jihoon was lost, didn’t know how to walk alone, didn’t know how to handle the rush of emotions that came up to him. It felt like he was walking on a thin rope he knew he would fell eventually, to the darkness in a world where Choi Seungcheol someone who used to be the light of his life, someone who used to hold his hand so he wouldn’t get lost, someone who used to be everything for Jihoon, is now gone. It was understatement if Jihoon said he felt empty, he felt way more than that, he felt some kind of emotion which he didn’t know how to explain it, all he knew was his life would never be the same again.

It was still raining when Jihoon went into a room and found a letter written by Seungcheol

“Hey baby, I hope you found this before I come back home because it would be awkward if you found this after. It wouldn’t be as sweet as what I planned but it’s ok, as long as you found this I’m ok. I know you would say something like ‘it’s 2017 and you still write a letter?’ but pardon my romantic side. As you know I treasure you more than anything in this world (don’t tell my mother) and I feel like a text on the phone is not as sweet as a letter. I’m writing this while you are asleep, tomorrow I’m going for the long business trip and as much as I want to bring you together with me you have your own life here and you are doing great with it. I don’t want to become the one who hold back you from reaching your own dream and isn’t that great that we both are walking towards our goal step by step together? And do you know why it happens? Because of love. I love you and I found my biggest reason and my biggest supporter to reach my own goal is you. Is you Lee Jihoon, My Love, My soul, My everything.

I love you, I love you I love you, no matter how often I tell you this it still brings me some kind of fluttering feelings inside me, it still brings butterfly effect on my stomach. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling before you came and complete me. Yes Lee Jihoon, you complete me. 

I know by the time you reading this paragraph you already throwing this poor letter a disgusted look. But, the thought of not seeing you for months, not able to hold you whenever I want scared me, the thought of a world where you are not there scared me the most if I have to admit. But you know that life goes on, so Lee Jihoon, please please please, take care of yourself while I’m not around just because I’m not there to constantly reminding you about that, or watching you closely but you have to know you are always be inside my mind and heart, whenever you are not feeling well no matter how far we are from each other right now I would sense it and it hurts me everytime you hurt yourself and I know you don’t like to see me getting hurt right? So… don’t forget to live well without me so I can do well here without needing to constantly getting worried about you, ok baby?

This letter is getting too long, I swear it wasn’t supposed to be this long but I guess I’m filled with a lot of emotions as I’m writing this, this is the longest time we will be away from each other ever since we met like 10 years ago. Haaa… 10 years… I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since we’ve been together since my feeling towards you has never changed, it’s only getting bigger and bigger. I shall stop writing now before you file a complaint letter to me.  Rest well, take care of yourself, and…

I love you, I love you with all my heart, and I will always love you, 

Until death separate us. Even in my next life, I will always love you, my strongest baby, I love you”

Jihoon was crying uncontrollably by the time he finished reading the letter. His chest hurts too much, he couldn’t even breathe without feeling the pain over his chest, when he thought he couldn’t live properly anymore without Seungcheol, the latter’s voice haunting him on his mind constantly reminded him ‘you have to live well, you have to live well’ of course it wasn’t fair. When Seungcheol wrote the letter he didn’t even know how it feels to lose something so precious, to lose his own soulmate, he didn’t know the feeling and that was why he was able to write something like that. If Seungcheol were in his position would he still be able to write this kind of letter? Jihoon eyes and head hurt so much right now, Seungcheol’s scent even after 6 months wasn’t there still lingered perfectly on their apartment and Jihoon couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t breathe the same air as what Seungcheol usually breathed before. He couldn’t. Heck, he didn’t even know if he could continue living in the world without Seungcheol around because for Jihoon, a world without Seungcheol is not living, it’s a constant dying. Over and over again until he himself died. One day.

I love you too, but apparently living without you is not living, and I can’t continue my life like this even if that was what you wanted. But it’s ok, we can argue again… in the next life.