Dirty tissues, trust issues

Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you

April 4th, 2019

Lisa ah, this is one hour after we end our three years relationship after getting caught by none other than our CEO. Did you know those photos of us kissing each other were sent by an idol to our company? I guess we really can’t trust anybody in this industry huh? So here I am, pouring my eyes out in my room while writing this. I guess you’re not doing any better since I could catch soft cries and sometimes glasses breaking from your room at night. 

 

Lonely pillows in a stranger's bed

Little voices in my head

April 11th, 2019

Its been a week since our break-up and I still spend hours staring at the pillow next to me, where you would be lying and telling me your stupid jokes or where we would cuddle until we fall asleep. But it was all in the past now. Now, it’s just me in this cold room all by myself. It doesn’t even feel like mine anymore and I can’t stop the foreign feeling of the room creeping into me Lisa ah, now that you’re no longer in my arms. Everything will be alright, time will heal everything. I tell myself that for the millionth time today but truth is, I can’t stop but crave for your touch on my skin, your gentle kisses on my lips and your warm secured hugs around my waist. I miss you Lisa.  

 

Secret keeping, stop the bleeding

May 25th, 2019

Lisa ah, you know what’s the worse part is? It’s the fact that we are preparing for our comeback so there isn’t enough time for me to recover from our break-up. But thinking about the amount of time and hard work we’ve spent to get to where we’re standing now, we need to try our best to repress the pain and get our job done right Lisa? But little do you know, I would still run to the bathroom during our breaks to release the threatening tears whenever I look at you, the girl that once was mine. 

 

Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating

August 12th, 2019

We finally made our comeback to celebrate our third year anniversary after a long wait and it was indeed a successful one. Our Blinkies loved the songs, they were so happy that we’re finally back in the music shows, the reality shows, fan meetings and the radios. But do you know that our fans have been nagging on me for how I’ve lost weight? Hahaha they said that dumpling cheeks of mine are replaced with the carrots-like ones, like how we tried to convince Jisoo unnie and Chaeyoung how we look like during Taeyang sunbaenim’s concert in Japan. How I miss those times. Are you too Lisa ah?

 

All the souls that I can't listen to, to tell the truth

September 23rd, 2019

Lisa ah, its our anniversary! I know I’ve never told you this but,

Loving you was young, 

did you know with you spoiling me since day one, I can’t help but to act like a child clinging onto you all day asking for hugs and kisses?  

and wild, 

did you know how all those kisses we stole behind the curtain really got me thrilled?

and free

did you know that whenever I’m with you, I’ve never felt the need to mask myself with the cold and indifferent cover because I know you would never judge me and would always love me for the way I am?

Loving you was cool, 

did you know that I’ve always felt proud being your girlfriend and I’ve always wished that I could shout out to the world that Lalisa Manoban is mine?

and hot, 

did you know how hot it is when one second you turn into a beast devouring me but moment after you would return to be my clingy and cuddly girlfriend and hug me to sleep?

and sweet

did you know how I would secretly melt at how you would nuzzle in the crook of my neck and kiss me sweetly good morning?

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses

did you know that you were that somebody I could run to when everything was against me, my shoulder to cry on and my safe place?
But loving you had consequences

but loving you means risking our career, means throwing our time and efforts for the past years out into the sea, means destroying not only ours but our fellow members’ dreams and neither one of us are willing to take that risk.  

 

Hesitation, awkward conversation

May 20th, 2020

After a year of our our break-up, you came up to me hesitated to ask me if we could still be friends. I agreed and we were cracking our brains out on the couch in the living room trying to start a conversation and break the ice. Nevertheless, I missed this Lisa ah, I missed being able to sit next to you and talk to you. I missed you, Lisa. 

 

Running on low expectation

June 14th, 2020

Today, almost a month since we started talking again, at the same position we were in a month ago, you brought up a question that I knew I wasn’t ready for yet. I don’t think I would ever be ready. 

 

Every siren that I was ignoring

I'm paying for it

“Jen? What was it like? Loving me.” You asked, after three years of our relationship and one year apart, you finally asked. You dropped your head down and your eyes landed on your feet waiting for my answer. 

 

My mind was alarmed. I zoned out as I let my conscience decides on whether to tell you the truth to help us get back together, or to lie to you and draw the line and we’d forever be just bandmates. 

 

I started with a shaky voice,

 

“Umm, 

Loving you was dumb, 

you raised ur head looking, no, staring at me, with your dark round eyes that i love so much,

 

dark, 

tears started forming in those eyes that used to glow so bright upon seeing me,

 

and cheap

you lost it, your head dropped down with your eyes shut close not wanting to accept what you’re hearing. 

 

Loving you will still take shots at me

you bit your lips, hard, trying not to let your sobs escape your trembling lips

 

Loving you was sunshine, 

your head shot up, you temporally stopped crying and looked at me with tiny rays of hope

 

but then it poured

you smiled bitterly, shaking your head as a sign to tell yourself not to drop your expectation

 

And I lost so much more than my senses 

your trembling hands find its way to your face covering it, wiping your face vigorously before standing up, ready to leave me in the living room. 

 

Before you could, I whispered my last answer but you heard it,

 

'Cause loving you had consequences

The last thing I heard before the living room fell in dead silent was the sound of your door slamming shut, signalling the real end of the final chapter of our relationship. 

 

I slowly drag my feet back to my room, falling onto the floor with my back glued to the door. With one hand clutching my chest trying to repress the sharp pain in my heart and the other hand on my mouth trying to muffle my cries. With my right hand on my heart, I can feel it bumping softly, just enough for me to survive because I knew very well that my heart is no longer beating the moment I let you go. 

 

I’m sorry Lisa ah, I’m still that coward a year ago who just couldn’t dare to risk our career, ours and our members’ dreams and I’m still not ready to take the consequences. 

 

Lisa ah, I wish I could say this to your face but I don’t think I’d be able to do that any time soon, not before we are no longer idols and not before we are just normal people in this world. So all I can do now is whisper my real answer to you every night when I cry myself to sleep. 

 

Lisa ah,

 

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences

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Hi guys!! Thanks for reading!! Its my first time writing so there might be mistakes hehe sorry!! Please comment so that I can improve myself! Thankss!!