I’m alone.

She is not.

I’m happy she is no longer alone, but I regret that things turned out like this.

All because of a misunderstanding, that got bigger and bigger, until the point there was no solution.

It didn’t turn out well. I said things I don’t mean or remotely believe, and I hope the words I received from Taeyeon where the same as mine. But I don’t think she was lying, they sounded true, a hurtful truth.

If we go before the incident. Right after our debut.

In the past she was alone, and I was not.

I mean, Taeyeon obviously had her members around her, even me, but she never allowed anyone to truly know what she is feeling. Living for so long with her made us eventually see what she is feeling, but we didn’t know why, and she didn’t tell us why.

Things between Taeyeon and I weren’t awkward until we debuted. After two years together, people talked about us, and we could hear them. Some compared us, bringing Taeyeon or me down. Others said I was the leader, not Taeyeon. Others thought we were in love.

All these rumors made our relationship awkward. We attempted to disregard all of them, but it was overwhelming how everyone gossiped about us. I can’t complain, it was one of the prices we had to pay to be successful.

Without noticing, we were avoiding each other.

Sometimes I forgot about that (it is not like I intentionally ignored her), and when I talked to Taeyeon, she made sure to remember me. You can see the videos about that.

Three years passed, and I could count the times Taeyeon spoke to me. All those times where because of a TV program or because she had to ask me group related stuff.

I felt empty. Taeyeon was a big piece of my life, and now she was gone.

What pained me the most, was the fact that I could see her every day, reminding me how we were almost like strangers. It’s ridiculous how we managed to turn a blind eye on each other, being in the same group and everything.

Suddenly one day she spoke to me. Not about the group, and we were not on TV. It was about something silly, but I perfectly remember that day.

I’m currently watching TV while sitting on the sofa. I have no idea what I’m seeing, I just want to distract myself from all these thoughts, but it seems like it’s not worki-

“Jessica” I hear a voice interrupting me, and I’m wondering if this is a dream or not. It has been so long since that voice called me, and the way she said it, sounds as if we haven’t ignored each other for three years. “Are you there?” she asks me four meters away from me. I stared for too long, maybe that way she will understand how surprised I am.

“Yeah sorry, this happens when we prepare for a comeback, I zone out too much” I half lie, comebacks really exhaust me.

“I understand. I wanted to ask you if you had seen my blue pillow”

“I haven’t” it has been ages since I last entered to her room, I’m surprised she still has it. I have seen her with it since I have memory.

“If it’s not here then it means I left it when we traveled to Japan. Too bad, it held many memories” she says sounding sad.

“You can always buy another one and create new memories, it is not like we are all going to disappear” I comfort her while staring directly at her eyes, I missed those eyes.

“True” she says staring back at me, and now smiling. I’m smiling too.

From that day we started to have little conversations. They didn’t last more than 10 minutes, but it was plenty in contrast to before, and those minutes were worth it.

The members noticed, they always notice things. However, they didn’t say anything, they just accepted our now friendly relationship, and things continued smoothly. They knew if they asked it might end up bad, no one really knows the reaction Taeyeon might have.

Even if Taeyeon continued being a mystery, everything was perfect.

Our comeback was successful. We won many first places, made friends with the rookies, and broke new records. I can’t believe we still are a threat to other groups.

Our group truly felt like home. Everyone easily talked with each other, we laughed, made fun of each other, and all that without worrying of ending in an uncomfortable atmosphere.

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