"Hey, I like you" He said, smiling like it is the easiest thing to say. Casual. Like stating how nice the weather is, or how delicious the food in the cafeteria is.
"Yeah, I know" I said, as if he just said a joke. Hoping, desperately, that he did say a joke. He laughed. That kind of laugh everybody wants to hear, the one where people would like to wake up from, the one you could set as your ringtone. The one who'll make your heart beat. But it breaks mine every time.
"No. I meant, I like you" He grinned, emphasizing each words. Even though his lips are turned into a lazy, wide smile, his eyes is shining. Of seriousness, of feelings. I needed to look away. I forced a laugh.
"Sure, you can like me" I said, and smiled. That practice smile that everyone can't see how fake. That smile that I've been wearing for years, nobody can see through it. That smile I can show any time, to anyone, because I have it perfected.
"It's okay. I know you don't like me back.. And that's okay" He said, still smiling. Everything about him is calm, steady. His smile and the shine of his eyes not wavering even just a bit. It's like... It's like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what my answer would be because all he wants is to tell me his feelings. It's like he doesn't care, if it's not reciprocated. Like he has accepted whatever response I would give.
"Soonyoung..."
"I just want you to know... You know. That somebody out here is appreciating you. You. Your everything. That somebody waits for your lazy  to show up in class, that worries when you won't eat lunch, that wonders if you got home alright. I just want you to know, that you are important to someone elses life. And you don't know it, but you make them look forward to another day just to be able to talk to you" He said, and somehow, his smile became wider. Brighter, softer. I wanted to smile back. A real smile. But I can't. Because I don't want him... I don't want him to like me. I don't want him to wait for me to go to class because sometimes I really don't want to, I don't want him to worry when I don't eat because i hate eating, I don't want him to wonder if I get home alright when all I can think is how I want to throw myself infront of a car.
"You're my friend" Lame. ing lame. The lamest excuse, the stupidest, annoying and hurtful phrase you could ever hear from someone you just confess from but he just laughed.
"And I would always be" He said ruffling my hair fondly, but not enough to mess it up.
"I'd always be here, as a friend, as anyone you would like" He added, and I looked away. Because my hands are itching, to hold him, to push him away. My lips wants to move. To kiss him, to tell him to go far from me. My heart is hurting, from beating too much, from breaking too much.
"Really?" I asked, because that's all I can say. And he showed me his pinky finger, like a grade school kid even though we're 20 years old.
"Really"


Nothing changed. Of course nothing would change. Soonyoung is that kind of guy who could make everything alright. Who can solve every problem with a smile, who can cheer someone up with a joke, who can make someone fall in love with a laugh. Every thing is as it used to be because Soonyoung is that kind of guy. Who wouldn't let anything hinders him, who can jump from one obstacle to another with ease, who can set the path straight no matter how crossed it is.

But somehow, it hurts me even more that every thing is the way it used to be.


"I see, are you fighting?" Jihoon asked, absentmindedly, dazedly. He's too focused on his guitar, strumming. Slowly, lonely. Or maybe it is just how I feel. I didn't reply. Because I don't want to assume that it is me who he is talking to. Even though I'm the only one who's silently sitting beside him. Everyone, everyone is busy chatting, laughing, playing. Having their own little group, each on their own little world.
"They are, what was it about?" kyulkyung asked. Breaking away from her conversation with Siyeon and Eunwoo. Paying attention to me instead.
"what?" I asked. Feigning ignorance.
"You. Soonyoung. Fighting. Why?" She said, sashaying her hands in the air as if it would prove her point more. And with every word she said, Jihoon nods and nods.
"No we're not?" I answered. Which is technically not a lie. Because we didn't fight. No, we didn't. But it still left a sour taste in my mouth.
"Then why isn't he over here?" Kyulkyung insisted.
"Bingo" Jihoon said, even pointing a finger gun to Kyulkyung in both characteristically and uncharacteristically Jihoon way. I rolled my eyes.
"are we twins?" I said, fishing for a joke. But both of them look unamused.
"Technically?" I was surprised when Mingyu answered, not noticing they are listening to us. But I didn't let it show. I'm a master in hiding my emotions away.
"If we're going to go down on that path. Yes, yes you are. I can't remember a day in our college years where you and Soonyoung are apart for more than two days. Except for that time where we had groupings, and even then, you guys eat together" Minghao, who was trailing behind Mingyu, recited boredly as if he just recited something from a history book. Factual, truth and old news. I didn't say anything. What is there to say? I didn't know that they keep their attention close to us to notice just how close we are. I didn't know someone watches our actions, our interaction to the point that they can see when something's wrong without us acting like there is. I didn't know somebody is so interested to our friendship that they noticed right away the shift in our relationship.
"Seriously though, what's wrong? Do I have to smash him?" Jihoon asked. Putting his guitar down, his soft eyes going for that murderous glare everyone in our room hated because it can literally make your knees go weak. It made Mingyu kneel an hour in front of him after spilling a bottle of coke on his notebook.
"Nothing. We didn't fight. It's not like we have to be around each other every single time" I told them, shrugging my shoulders. Acting nonchalant. As if it doesn't hurt me every time he walks in the room and he wouldn't sit beside me. It's nothing, it's not even his fault.
"When you arrive first, he immediately look for you and put his bag down beside you. When he comes in first, he has your seat reserve. It's weird to see him on the other corner of the room when you're at the opposite corner" Minghao said and I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from screaming at them to get the  away. To shut up. To leave me alone. They're my friends, our friends. They mean well. But sometimes, I just want to be alone.
"I'm buying soda" I told them, grabbing my coin purse, standing up and walking away before they can even say one word out.

There's nothing wrong. Not with him anyway. It's not his fault. Of course it would never be his fault. Soonyoung is... too good to be real. He's smart, and talented, and kind, and an amazing person. It's like every author collaborated to write a perfect guy, like every painter agreed he's the modern James Dean, like every fairytale's prince charmings are summoned in real life. It's unfair. Sweet, beautiful Soonyoung. He deserves everything in the world. Like that big trophy in the dance show, that scholarship for his good grades, nice boss from his part time work, hero worship from the kids he tutors every Friday. He deserves every thing in the world. Everything but fall in love with me.

It's like the biggest joke. The biggest cliche. The perfect guy, falling for...for who I am. Caring, gentle Soonyoung. Liking someone who wears a mask every day, who has scars carved deep into the bones. Someone who sees the world in grays and blues and whites, who breathes and eats but barely live. Someone broken beyond repair. Soonyoung, with pure and red heart. Putting it in the hands of someone who had destroyed to many of them, tore and squeezed and broke them into tiny pieces so she can mend her own. Breaking someone elses so she won't be alone. It's so unfair.

"It won't walk to you, you know. You're supposed to get it" And surprised. There he is, walking in front of me, taking the soda from the machine when I refused to make a move from the wall. I smiled at him.
"I was. You just got it first" I told him as I make grabby hands towards him. He rolled his eyes and gave me the soda. Putting coins of his own in the machine and getting that orange juice he loves too much. It tastes .
"Are you okay?" He asked, looking at me as if he can read me. Maybe he can, maybe he knows me that much. That even if he's just looking at me, he can tell what I'm thinking.
"Headache" I pouted, guilt creeping up in my lungs, in my heart, in my brain. That the headache I told isn't a lie anymore.
"Sleep? I brought my neck pillow" He said, taking the unopened can of soda in my hands. Instead, he gently hold me by my wrist and pulled me back to our room.

They were looking. Jihoon, Minghyu, Kyulkyung, Minghao. They were looking when I got back. Looking when Soonyoung handed me his red neck pillow. Looking when I lie on the ground, using his legs as my pillow even if he already gave me his neck pillow. And I ignored it all. Just like the way I did when he confessed. Just like the way I did with him.

Honestly speaking, I was the one who kept my distance. I wanted to continue as if nothing is wrong. As if he just didn't lay bare his feelings to me like it's the most natural thing in the world. But I can't. Not when I know how he should be asking for space, yet he keeps me around. Not when I know it hurt him when I didn't say anything about his confession. So I kept my distance. Pulled away as if it would help him. I want to help him. To get over. To move on. To find someone better. And if that means I'm the one who needs to go away, to destroy our friendship, to break the promise of staying, I would.


"I don't understand. One day, you're okay. One day, you won't even look at each other" Kyulkyung whined. Burying her face on Nayoung's stomach. And then again, I ignored her. Because that's what I'm good at. Ignoring. Ignoring feelings, situations, problems, people.
"It's their thing, you don't have to understand" Joshua said, smiling gently at me as if he knows what's going on. I suddenly feel sick. 
"We don't have a thing, don't make up things" I told them. Returning on my laptop, even though the supposed essay Jihoon had been asking for awhile remains blank.
"I don't know how blind are you. Soonyoung is hurting" Kyulkyung said, and I immediately looked at her. Hurt? Why hurt?
"Don't be a " I glared at her. Praying that she's bluffing, hoping that she just said that to get my attention.
"He is! Okay, look. Last time, Seokmin and Seungkwan wants to play with him. But he declined. He never says no. And then when you didn't go to class last Saturday, he won't talk to anyone. What happened?" Kyulkyung glared at me. As if she knows it is my fault. Which is the truth. I am the one who's at fault. But what do I say to them? Soonyoung deserves better? That Soonyoung is too good for me? That Soonyoung's feelings are hurting me too?  Why do they even care anyway? It is my friendship with Soonyoung, it is about us too. So why would they care?
"I have nothing to do with it" I said, emotionlessly. I saw Kyulkyung opening  but I also saw the way Joshua looked at her that she shut it right away. Too much. It is too much. I can feel the anger radiating from Kyulkyung. Because Kyulkyung is a nice girl. The one Soonyoung is closest to after me. She cares a lot about him. Because Soonyoung is that kind of guy you can't help but care about. Too careless, too reckless. Stubborn, free spirit. Has big understanding of the world, has a heart big as the world. And she's my friend too. She must be really frustrated. And I can feel the worried glances Joshua is giving my way. He's as close to me as Soonyoung. But the older version. Like an older brother, or a father. Who does nothing but wants the best for everyone. He wants the best for me. But I don't deserve the best. I don't deserve Soonyoung.

"He confessed. He told me" Joshua admit later. When our classmates went out group by group to eat, when it's only at least five of us in the room, Soonyoung being one of them. He told me, quietly. Not a whisper, but something that's definitely just between the two of us. Unless of course, someone is straining their ears to hear us.
"He did" I confirmed.
"it is why" He said. Statement. Not a question. I stopped typing and looked at him. Only to find him looking at Soonyoung. Soonyoung who's playing that ty Pokemon Go that nobody plays anymore. But he still does. Because he loves pokemon.
"Yeah" I nodded, sadly, dejectedly. Because it hurts me as much as it hurts him. We were silent for awhile. Both of us looking at the unsuspecting Soonyoung. Until he looked up, and his eyes immediately looking at mine. I smiled at him, painful, but real. Which he returned. Bright, so unlike mine.
"You like him too" Joshua said. Again, not a question. But a statement. It lacks the volume but he said it so firm, so sure. And he isn't wrong. And that's what this is all about is it.

It's one thing that I like him. Because who in their right mind wouldn't like Soonyoung? He's... He's everything you would look for in a guy. Gentleman, who'll let you use his phone even if it's about to die and he forgot his charger. Responsible, who would run errands with you, for you. Smart, hidden between loud jokes and obnoxious laugh. Funny, sweet, beaufiful. Just... He's amazing, adorable. He'll stay with you in school even though it'd take him two hours to go home. He'll stay up with you even though he needs four hours of sleep every night. He'll skip class with you if you're not feeling well. He's that kind of guy, the one girls would go to hell if that means they'd end up together. Of course I would fall for him. 

But him liking me back?

It's dangerous. It's painful. How can i tell him I like him too when I can't even love myself? When every time he would do a nice thing for me, I'm drowning in guilt because I can't do the same to him. Because I'm anything but nice. How can I tell him I like him too when I hate my own feelings, my own life. When everyday I wish for it to be gone, for me to be gone. How can Soonyoung, pure little Soonyoung, love someone like me? A monster. Who does nothing but hurt other people, unintentionally, intentionally. Who brings sadness to other people. Who burdens other people. I want anything but that.

I cannot burden Soonyoung of who I am. I cannot make Soonyoung to carry my s for me. I cannot let Soonyoung live my life for me. I cannot let him love me because loving me means destroying him.

"I do. So much" And then I refused to look at him. To acknowledge the sad glances, the pity. Because I don't need it. I would let Soonyoung go. Make him go. Because that's what the best. For him, for me. He doesn't need to be tainted by my ink.


"Hey" He plays with my fingers with one hand. His other hand still playing Pokemon go with his phone, my other hand typing an esay I procrastinated for five days.
"Hmmm" I hummed in return.
"Are we okay?" He asked, fingers stilling. My own fingers freezing.
"we are, why?" I asked him, nonchalant.
"It's like we're not. I miss you." He said, shrugging but I can feel the pain in all of his actions. I took my hand away. As if it burn when he hold it. And I saw pain flash in his eyes. And I want to puke because how did I put those in his eyes? Me, unimportant, worthless person. Hurting someone as precious as Soonyoung. And then again, I hurt people around me all the time. I shouldn't have been surprised.
"I don't want you to miss me" I whispered. He sighed.
"Then don't go away. If this is because-"
"It has nothing to do with your feelings, Soon" or maybe because of it. But who cares. At this point, I would rather lie than hurt him more.
"Then why" He asked, so softly. Once again reaching for my fingers but stopping. As if he's afraid it would hurt me. Or maybe it would hurt him. 
"Because I'm ty" I told him, and he frowned.
"Yeah, you are. I still like you anyway" He said, finally holding my fingers. I flinched. Because his words are so genuine. So real. It hurts. I want to hug him, badly. To hold him, and tell him I feel the same way too. To pull him close, closer to my heart. So it can hear how it screams for him to be happy. To go and be happy without me. That I want him to be happy. But not with me. Because I can't make him happy.
"Why... Why me, Soon" I said, gripping the hand that's holding mine.
"Why did you took a long time to ask that" He asked. And I, I wanted to cry.
"Because I don't want to know. Because I don't want you to like me" I said, pushing the words out of my mouth when all I want is to swallow them back.
"But I still do. I still like you. Becuase it's you. Who listens when nobody else does. Who listens when nobody listens to you. Because it's you. Who is so strong for others, who fights for others. But doesn't have the will for herself. Because it's you. Broken, but still beautiful. Damaged, but still working. Destroyed, but still shining. If you can only see the way I see you, the way other people see you, you would know how bright you are. In our eyes, in our heart. How important are you. In our life" He smiled, and pulled my hand so that I'd be wrapped up by his arms. I hold onto him tight, crying. Because he knows. How ty I am, how bad I am, how miserable I am. But he still chooses me. And I want to do the same. But I don't know if I can give the same. Because it's so different. He's giving me his whole heart when there's only tiny pieces of mine left for him to get.
"I don't know how to be good to you" I whispered to him, a confession. My confession. And he chuckled.
"You've been good to me the whole time" He whispered, and I felt his arms hug me tighter. And i felt him kiss my head, so gently, so soft.


"The two of you... Arrghhh! Tell me honestly, are you two together? One day you are fighting, now you're thick as thieves. At least somebody tell me what's going on!" Kyulkyung burst out. Stomping her feet as if that would make us say what happened. Which is... What actually happened? I'm not aware.
"Will you, shut up?" Jihoon growled. His eyes glaring at her. And Kyulkyung shrink. Because everyone is afraid of Jihoon.
"But-"
"let them be, Kyulkyung" Joshua, gently told her. Holding her by the wrist to gently guide her to sit down. I smiled. Curling more to Soonyoung's warmth even though the floor is dirty, and I'm wearing white. I don't care.
"Let's atleast put a jacket on the floor" He whispered to me.
"I'm gonna strangle you with a jacket. Are you two together?" mingyu asked. Pouting like the little kid that he is. Soonyoung only smiled at him, before gently wrapping his arms around me tighter.
"Yes, yes they are. They've always belong to each other. I don't know why it's such a big deal" Mingaho answered instead, confused. As if it is so obvious it's making Mingyu and Kyulkyung stupid for not noticing. Which is not true. Because Soonyoung and I are not together. Not yet. Not now. But I am here. I am staying. And I am baring my feelings to him.

It's not easy, and I'm still struggling. I've been too focus on giving Soonyoung what he deserves that I completely ignored what he wants. But I'm trying. To give him as much, to let him in, to get used to him again. Because Soonyoung is a good guy. And I would do anything to keep his eyes shining, to keep his lips smiling, to keep his heart beating. And if it is to hold me, then I would him back.

"Hey" I nudge him. And he groaned, falling asleep. And I smiled, contented. Happy.
"I like you" I whispered, and I felt it when his heart thump faster, heard it when he laugh, saw it when he light up 
"I know" He grinned at me. And I laughed despite myself. Remembering how I answered before, when he confessed. And now he's doing exactly the same.
"I've always known" He added, his eyes and smile going softer, fonder. And his eyes, full of feelings. And I can't look away. Because I would willingly drown in them if it means I get to see it everyday.
"Really?" I asked, hoping, praying. And he showed me his pinky finger, like a grade school kid as if we're not 20 years old.
"Really"