No one believed me when I’d say I know you, that I used to be close to you, that we used to hang out, like the brats we were back then. They’d throw me this skeptical look and a peal of laughter that was meant only to dismiss my claims to have at least known you before you became… well, you.

But God, I hated you. With the burning passion of a thousand suns, I hated you from the first second I saw you. Shying away from your stare, I hated you. Mischievously mocking your weaknesses, I hated myself and thus hated you even more. Whimsically rejecting your presence during late visits, I only fueled the flame that kept pushing me towards the edge – and fearing the fall made me consistently push back, shielded by hatred. Yes, I hated you. And yet I sought your presence since day one. Like the shining stone draws in the magpie, you lured me in, closer and closer till it was impossible to leave. You enclosed me in your presence, imaginary bars holding me captive, keeping me down, tied to you until I could no longer distinguish between you and me. You were my twin, a mirrored left mimicking what my right would do… or was I the left mimicking you, the right?

You asked me once what would I change if I could travel back in time. Back then I was still a kid and didn’t know that the answer was so obvious that it was easy to ignore it. So I’ll give you my answer now… there’s nothing I would change; I would have none of the photos we took together deleted or altered in any way, I wouldn’t deny me knowing you as you were back then. Because knowing you I came to know and understand myself although I didn’t know this back then. Instead of changing I’d travel back to watch us being stupid together, to stop myself from slamming the door so many time in your face and just accept that I was utterly and undeniable in love with you. I might not have seen it then, but now I’m able to admit it at least to myself that hating you was actually a denied love that scared the hell out of me because I knew you’d take everything and leave nothing for me. And then what would have happened to me? I would have been left bare, stripped even of myself. So I denied everything and slowly pushed you away, so confused that not even your friendship wasn’t able to keep me together. Now I know… I wish I knew back then as well.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

The first summer I met you I was nine or maybe ten, missing two of my front teeth and struggling to launch my plastic T-Rex into space with a handmade spaceship dad had glued together for me when you first appeared. You looked like an elf, slightly pointy ears, pale skin which seemed to sparkle in the sun… but your smile, a mysterious grin or amused acknowledgment of my play-pretend – whatever it was it stopped me, hands halfway raised in the air making me look like a funny puppet.

“Dinosaurs don’t fly,” you said. I remember your words clearly as if I heard them a second ago and not years back into the past. I remember them because those words were first to  sparkle my hatred and interest at the same time. How could you say something like that when I clearly knew that dinosaurs could fly great distances?! How could you attempt to rip away that fantasy of mine and still smile as if innocent?! That was the greatest of the crimes to my nine/ten years old self!

“Pardon you, they do fly,” I raised my nose in the wind and turned my back on you, having decided that ignoring you was the best option.

“That one doesn’t,” you insisted, dismissing my behavior and jumping over the fence to join my game. “Will you still send in into space?”

“He wants to see the moon, alright?! He’s going to be an astronaut like never seen before.”

“Well then, we’d better prepare for launching. Hope he’s trained for flying,” your hands were on the rocket, waiting for me and my dinosaur. And I suddenly got this panic attack and started crying. What if he wasn’t ready for flying so far away? ‘Cause even if the moon were prettier from up-close, it would have cried for being lonely. So I too cried while embracing the plastic toy while you looked at me with a mirrored panic. “We don’t have to send it to space, you know? He can fly and see the stars from up there. That’s still cool!”

But I was a crying mess and soon dad had to come see what was all that about. And he supported your idea, which was the worse because it sounded smart. I hated you.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

The second summer we spend together was worse than the first because I felt you forcing your way into my life as if someone had picked a carving knife and started, very delicately I’d say, to make a way through me, through my life as I knew it and through my heart too.

“We have a new transfer student. Please introduce yourself,” our homeroom teacher brought you in, making everyone pay attention.

“I’m Park Jimin and it’s really nice to meet you. I transferred from 3-2 here, so hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with you all.” At that time I thought only your sweet smile was keeping our colleagues from lashing back with mockery.

“Oh, my God, it’s him! I can’t believe he’s here!” I heard my friend whisper from next to me, eyes sparkly and all of that. “It’s Park Jimin!” She nudged my side, leaving me to feel the bruise blossoming on my ribs.

“Yeah, I heard. So what?”

“What do you mean ‘so what?’?! Do you really not know who he is? He’s Park Jimin, child prodigy in the dance department! Plus, he’s super popular with everyone and nice! He’s perfect!” I could see her melting on her chair while turning dreamy eyes at you as you made your way towards the back of the class, taking over the only free place which just had to be on my left.

“I can’t believe we’re in the same class now!” You were pretty excited, even intending to high five me on the matter of not only being in the same school, but now in the same class as well.

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and returned to my book without minding you a second more. You were distracting enough to my fourteen years old self with your not-so-typical boyish smiles and gentle nature, never being mean to me and always walking me home after school. I didn’t need you sitting next to me and give me all those tingly feelings! But you were there…

“Just what do you want from me?!” I was mad on our way back, so my spin on the heels of my shoes caught you off guard. “Why do you follow me every day from school and why are you now in my class? Just why?”

“I’m not following you because I live right across the road from you and I moved to your class because mom thinks I’m not focusing enough on my studies; everyone knows your class is in top 30 in the school,” you kicked away a pebble, frowning before turning it into a smile while eyeing me. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Friends my !” It was the first time I was cussing out loud, so I remember running away embarrassed. I had been careful to be less talkative around you, less proud of my good grades, more girly and nice, but you always managed to somehow scratch the thin surface of my play-pretend and draw out my real self. And that made me hate you while blushing and looking away!

“Same time tomorrow?” I heard you call from behind as I banged closed the front door to my house. I was huffing and puffing, my chest a bit heavy in a strange way. I was still frowning when I ran to the window and spied on you from behind the curtains as you smiled, shaking your head while guiding your bike inside the courtyard. And unknowingly, I too smiled.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

“Hey! Hey! Are you really going to ignore me the entire summer?” You slowed down your bike and actually jumped off of it to match my steps while I focused only on the pavement. “School’s out, so we can be friends. Look, sorry I took your place, okay?”

I stopped dead in my tracks and felt like murdering you, you who came like the wind and blew away the first place from me with a difference of only one point. But the weather was hot and you looked sincerely sorry to have kicked me on second place that I couldn’t say anything other than grumble lowly before starting to walk again.

“I’ll make up, please! Let’s be