People come and go, please remember that.

I know you're the type of person who easily loves another. You would get too attached to that persona and end up easily getting hurt when that persib doesn't treat you the way you want them to. You would give your all and do anything for that person so that, that person will be happy and you don't want to see them in a bad position in life. They will take what you give but they won't even realise what you've done for them. Then, why bother? They would appreciate you sometimes but then, that's it. Nothing more, not yet. Even so, you keep doing it again, and again, and again. You move to new places yet you find more people to love. You're hurting yourself because they'd take advantage of you sooner or later. I don't understand... Why are you doing this? Why do you enjoy seeing yourself get hurt when they're happy. How can anyone love anyone that much?

20.01.18

I don't know how many times I snoozed my alarm off realising that it was already 10am in the morning on a peaceful Saturday. I heaved out a tired sigh, not really wanting to get up. Then, it hit me.

! I'm so ing late. I rushed in to shower 10 minutes max, so that  I wouldn't miss the 10.30 train. Everything escalated to panic mode once I got a text from her. 
 

From: +61 434 215 XXX
Hey, I'm here in front of starbucks. Let me know when the train is here so I can pick you up.

TT I'm not even on the train yet!

I shoved my make up and money all in my handbag thinking I'd just put on light make up when I board the MRT, literally to catch up on lost time. I shot her a text just to let her know that I'll be arriving soon. Suddenly, my chest constricts, my stomach feels funny. Just the thought of seeing her again drives me mad, and off edge. I realised I haven't felt like this in a long time, not since her. Not even my subsequent boyfriends made me feel like she did. Oh God. Once I was there, I walked down to the pick up area to look for the car we used to drive around in back in college. She would coolly drive with one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand waiting to tap my thighs softly, telling me to feed her. There it was, the rusty old Audi A4 not looking as good as new, but hell its driver was slightly leaning on the hood of the car while scrolling something on her phone. My heart started to throw tantrums again, and maybe, I could just run away and bail on her since she doesn't even notice me standing there. Then again, God, I just miss you. At that exact moment, she looked up straight into my eyes. The young lady clad in ripped jeans walked towards me throwing me that killer smile that I loved so much.

"Hey Hyun"

"Seul, I'm sorry, did you wait long?"

"Honestly speaking, I've been here since 9, and you know, I guess 11am is fine too.", Seulgi joked, her eyes forming attractive slits that I can't help to look away from. I managed to choke out a luagh too, slapping her arm. It's comforting, it wasn't awkward even though we got off on the wrong foot last time. But Seulgi is still Seulgi, she's good at pretending nothing happened. Not too sure if I agree on that concept though. But then again, she clearly told me, "Whatever it is, I respect your decision. If that's what you want, then I'll do it. As long as you're happy." Seulgi is always putting me before her, every time.

This one time we fought, she actually screwed herself up. Seulgi was so angry that she drove back home at 1am in the morning and got caught up by the police. She kept thinking about me, I purposely hurt her because I went out with Chanyeol, knowing full well that he intended to court me. Obviously, if Seulgi found out, she would disapprove, in which she did. She smoked a lot that night, she knows I hate her smoking. I got worried because she wasn't at her accommodation in college, and when she went missing it usually leads to substance abuse. So, I called her. I tried to be civil with her but the inevitable happened, a 2 hour on-the-phone fight. I told her some things that I shouldn't have. Things that I regretted as soon as it left my lips.

I told her to stop forcing me.

I told her to let me do what I want.

I told her she has no right to tell me what to do. Even if she didn't, I've never felt free.

I told her to back off.

I told her to know her limits.

I told her it was her fault.

"Your face says a million things, Seul. Everytime I get close to a guy, your face turns different and I can tell you don't like them. You're overconcerned, overprotective. For God's sake Seul, I can't stand it anymore."

"Why can't you be normal like the others?!", practically screaming into the phone. Seulgi, oh sweet Seulgi only fell silent. I know she was hurt but what she said completely shut me up. 

"Hyun-ah," she called me softly. "I only wanted you to be honest with me, to trust me and just, don't ignore me."

But our ways were too different. I'm too secretive, unlike Seulgi, I tend to keep things to myself and I don't openly share my thoughts and feelings with her. Maybe, we keep on fighting because unconsciously, we couldn't accept each other. 

"Maybe we need a break for a while from each other", Seulgi said in a weary tone. She was definitely tired of putting up with the fight. Technically, we weren't together, we were more than friends but less than lovers. It was so confusing to even put a finger on it and everything just turned into mush in my brain. But the thought of Seulgi not being by my side scared me a lot. I still needed her, but at the same time