I woke up with the rays of light peeking through my window. I reached for my phone to take a look at a time. 7 am. It's still early and since we don't have any schedule today I could sleep for a few more hours. I reached to the other side of the bed wanting to cuddle with the warmth beside me. I let my hand roam but there was nothing there except for cold sheets. I forgot. We don't sleep together anymore.

It's been months since we broke up and yet I'm still not used to it. How can I? Maybe I just got used with you being by my side. For the past years you were always there. Through those hard times you've been my shoulder. You tell me everything's going to be okay and you kept on believing and trusting me. You never fail to make me smile and give me strength when I wanted to give up. Even when you yourself was having a hard time during Produce 101 you never once forget to make us believe in ourselves and trust our capabilities. I'm so glad you were there. Every step that we took you were always there. And now, our dreams are coming true. We're on a better path now. But now that we achieve our dreams, you are the one that left. You're not by my side anymore. I don't know what happened. 5 years of relationship. 5 years of being together. Where did it all go? I keep on wishing that one day I'll wake up with you by my side. We'll greet each other 'Good Morning' then we'll share a sweet morning kiss. But it never happened. It's been months and still I'm waiting for that wish to come true. For us to be together again.

I can't probably go back to sleep now with all these thought lingering in my mind. Maybe it's best to just spend the day being busy just to keep you out of my mind, if that's even possible.

I walked out of my room, and there I saw you, the most beautiful person my eyes have ever seen. You're already dressed. You look so beautiful even though you're just wearing normal clothes. "Good Morning!” You're the one who decided to break the silence between us. How I missed your voice, your beautiful voice. "Good Morning. Going somewhere?" I tried to keep my voice to sound as normal as possible, and tried to fight the urge to hug you. "Hmmm. Yes." You seemed hesitant to tell me. "Since we don't have a schedule today I decided to meet up with Gunhee and Taedong. They've been bugging me because we don't get to talk anymore since we've been too busy with our schedules." You smiled after saying that. I can't help but feel jealous. I know you're just friends but still I can't help it, and I can feel it that Taedong may have feelings for you. "I'll be going now." You said and I realized I drifted in my thoughts again. "Okay. Have fun." I said and you left. 'Have fun' what the heck are you saying JR. How could you tell him to have fun when you know that's not what you want? Well, you want him to be happy but we all know that you're selfish self wants you be the reason behind his smile, the reason for his laughs. You want to be the one that makes him happy. But I let that chance slip off my hands. I had the chance. I know I've been the reason for his happiness but that was all in the past, now I'm just the reason why he had been hurt.

-----

'"Let's break up." We're in our room now. You said you wanted to talk but I never expected this to be about us breaking up. "What?" Disbelief is evident in my voice. "I said let's break up." You seem serious and with those words, my heart starts to break apart. "Why? Minki why?" I still can't believe this is happening. "Why do you want us to break up? Did I do or say something wrong? If I did, please tell me so I can fix it. Just please don't do this." I may look pathetic but I don't care I just don't want to lose him.  "I'm sorry Jonghyun but this is for the best. Maybe we aren't destined after all like what we used to think. You'll find someone better, way better than me. I want you to be happy." You said that and smiled even though I know you're going to cry but kept your tears from falling. "But I can't do that. How can I find someone better when I already have the best? How can I be happy when you're going leave me? Minki please don't do this. I'll do everything just please." I begged and pleaded. I don't care anymore. "You don't have to do anything Jonghyun-ah. I know it hurts but like I said this is for the best. Believe me. Please don't cry. I can't stand it when you cry..." "Then don't do this!" I didn't let him finish. "But I need to. We needed to. Thank you for the 5 years Jonghyun-ah. I'll forever treasure them. Thank you for not giving up on me and always being there by my side. You don't know thankful I am that you were there. But don't worry we're still best friends. I won't throw our friendship away. We just can't be together like this." Each word stabbed my heart like a thousand knives. It hurts. It hurts so much. Why?! I let my tears fall and I just hugged you tight. I don't want to let you go. Not now. Not ever. I can feel you removing my arms around you, I hugged you tighter. "Jonghyun please let me go." "NO!" "Please." I let go and you cupped my face. "This is for the best." You said and went out of the room.'

-----

I woke up. That dream again. It's been months but those words are still fresh in my mind, the wound is still fresh in my heart. Why Minki? Why? I feel like crying again. Maybe I really need to move on. I can't be like this forever. I can't keep on holding at the past. But can I? How can I just move on like nothing happened? Like you don't mean anything to me? How can I do that? When heart still beats for you. I sigh. I need to clear my mind. Maybe a walk and some sunshine would be good.

.....

Guess walking was a good idea after all. My mind is kind of clear now. And it is clear that I can't let him go. I need to take him back and I'll do everything to take him back. I know it may take some time but I don't care, I'll wait no matter what.

I decided to take a rest and I saw the cafe where we used to have our secret dates. The thought made me smile. As I make my way closer, a familiar figure caught my eyes, it's you. You're laughing. You look so happy and seeing that made me smile even more. But that smile slowly fade away when I saw who you are with. I was planning to leave when Gunhee noticed me. "Jonghyun hyung!" Both of you looked at me. You seemed surprised. "Jonghyun hyung come inside and join us." I have all the intention to reject his offer but then again I want to spend some time with you even though it isn't just the two of us. "Sure." I smiled and went inside. The four of us talked and I know both of us tried not to make things seemed awkward. The sound of Gunhee's phone distracted our conversation. "I'm sorry hyungs but I need to go. The company called us for an emergency meeting. Maybe it will have something to do with our upcoming debut. Let's bond again next time when we're all free." Gunhee waved goodbye then left. After that the atmosphere changed with just the three of us there. "So hyung how have you been?" Taedong was the one to break the silence. "I'm fine. Just busy with schedules but I'm okay. How about you?" "Well I'm okay. Working hard with training and all." "Excuse me. I'll just go to the toilet." You said and left me with Taedong. "Ahmmmm. Jonghyun hyung. Can I ask a question?" "Sure. What is it?" "Does Minki hyung have someone special now? I know it's kind of personal but... and you can't answer it if it's not allowed." There's a weird feeling inside of me. I want to scream and say that 'Yes. He does and it's me.' It was and will always be. But I need to control myself because right now I know I don't have the right. "I don't know. Maybe. Why do you want to know?" I tried to stay as calm as possible. "Well it's just that... I know it's weird but I think I like Minki hyung. And I'm thinking if he doesn't have someone special right now, I would like to be that someone." Taedong blushed with his words. And here I am stoned as one of my worst nightmares came true. I know there are many who would fall for you because who wouldn't but I never realized that there will be someone who's brave enough to admit it given the society that we lived in. I don't know what to say. I'm lost for words. The mere thought that someone has the intention to take you further away from me, scared me. No I won't let him take you from me even you're not mine (not yet). "Jonghyun hyung are you okay?" I came back to reality with Taedong's words. "Oh yeah I'm okay." "Ahmmm hyung can that be our little secret. I still need some more time to make sure that he's not with someone before I confess my feelings." Before I could respond you came back. "What are you talking about?" You asked. "Nothing Minki hyung. Right Jonghyun hyung?" Taedong smiled at you then he looked at me. "Yeah it's nothing." "Okay." You said as you rolled your eyes. Taedong just laughed and I let out a small smile. We continued to talk for a few more hours. And as we talk I can't help but see how Taedong looked at you. I don't like those stares especially now that I know how he feels towards you. As selfish as it might be but I won't let the two of you end up together. I'm still lost in my own world again when my phone went off. It's a message from Aron hyung. "Rennie. Aron hyung is asking where we are and he said he wants us to have dinner together." "Oh really. Guess we need to go home then. Taedong why don't you join us for dinner? So you can see Dongho and you can also bond with Aron hyung." What?! How can you invite him over? Do have feelings for him too Rennie? "As much as I want to I can't hyung I promised my mom that we will have dinner together. But thanks for the offer maybe next time." I was relieved when he rejected the offer. We said our final goodbyes. But before we leave, Taedong hugged you. I want to rip you away from his arms. But I controlled myself. After he let you go, we said goodbye one more time and then we left.

....

The way back to the dorm was quiet and awkward. I don't want this kind of atmosphere. I don't want us to be like this anymore. I grabbed your hand before you could open the door. "Can we talk?" I saw how your expression changed. "Please." I said before you could say anything. You just sigh then nodded. "Alright. But let's talk after dinner." You said and take your hand off my grip. How I wish that the dinner will pass by fast. I can't wait to talk to you so that we could finally try to fix our relationship. Maybe I could finally win you back.

I think luck was on my side this time. As much as we want to talk and bond over dinner, it was cut short because Baekho needed to come back to the studio to finish the songs they've been working for our next comeback and Aron hyung got an overseas call from his family. The two of us volunteered to clean the kitchen since we don't have anything to do as urgent as the other two. After we finish cleaning the kitchen, we decided to clean ourselves first and agreed to meet at my room after.

I tried to take a bath as fast as possible and here I am nervously waiting for you to come. I was thinking of all the things I want to say to you when I was distracted by a knock at the door. I hurriedly open the door and I saw you standing there. Beautiful as always and I mindlessly hugged you. I can smell the scent that's already engraved in my mind. I just want us to stay like this. But then you speak, "JR let go. I thought you wanted to talk." You sure know how to drop the mood. But I guess after we talked I can finally hugged you again for as long as I want. "I'm sorry. I just got carried away. Come inside." You walked pass me and start to scan the room. "You should try and clean up sometime JR." You said and started arranging some of my clothes scattered on the floor. I felt my face heat up from embarrassment. "I'm sorry. Let me take care of that." "No it's okay. I used to do this whenever you come home late because of your endlessly filming so you don't need to worry about things like these." "You really look like a real housewife now." "Hahaha. How can I be a housewife? I'm not even a girl." "So what if you're not a girl. You can still be a housewife. My housewife." Your eyes widened with my last words. "What are you talking about?" "I mean we can get married and you could be my housewife." I walked closer to you and cupped your face. "We can be husband and wife just let me come back in your life." You blushed at my words. But then it was replaced by a serious expression. "JR. don’t be like this. I thought I cleared it already that we can't be together anymore. We can't. Not now. Not ever again." "But why?" "We just can't." You looked at the floor, avoiding my eyes. "IS IT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE?! HAVE YOU FALLEN FOR SOMEONE ELSE?! AM I THAT EASY TO REPLACE HUH?! TELL ME MINKI! TELL ME!" I know I shouldn't shout at you but I just can't take it anymore you said that we can't be together anymore but you never gave me an acceptable reason. "NO! THERE IS NO ONE. IS THAT HOW YOU THINK I AM? THAT I CAN REPLACE YOU THAT EASILY? HOW CAN I EVEN DO THAT WHEN ALL THIS TIME, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT TOGETHER, THIS HEART, THIS STUPID HEART KEEP ON BEATING FOR YOU. AND THIS FREAKING MIND ISN'T HELPING AT ALL. IT KEEP ON REPLAYING ALL THOSE TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER. HOW CAN I REPLACE SOMEONE I DREAMT OF SPENDING MY LIFE WITH? BUT I CAN'T BE SELFISH. I CAN'T SACRIFICE ALL OUR, YOUR, HARDWORK AND EFFORTS JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE." You were crying as you said those words. Tears keep on falling from your eyes. And I didn't realize I was crying as well. I hugged you tight. The tightest I could. "If you want me to stay by your side. If you want to us to spend our life together then let's make it happen. I will make it happen." "But what if we get caught? What will happen to us? We might go back to our state in the past or maybe worse. I'm scared Jonghyun-ah. I don't want you and the whole group to suffer because of me." "I know it's risky but we can do it. We did it for the past five years and no one had ever caught us." "That's because there weren't that much people watching us before. But now they're almost everywhere." "Then we just have to be more careful." "But.." "I know you're scared Rennie, I am too. But I won't let my fear interfere with my happiness, and that's being with you. Please give me another chance. Give us another chance. It might be difficult but I want to try again. Who cares about the fame when I don't have you by my side. I know I'm being selfish but as long as I have you, NU'EST, our friends and family, our fans, I'm okay. I'll be the happiest person on Earth. So please let's give it another try." "If you're willing to give it a try so will I. I'm sorry if I became selfish and didn't think of how you felt with my sudden decision. I was just scared that if our relationship get publicized, it might bring our group down and might be a reason for us to disband. And I don't want that to happen. Here I am thinking that it might hurt not being with you but its way better than to be permanently get separated from you." "That won't happen. We won't get separated. We promised to be together like Shinhwa remember? You just have to trust me. You just have to trust our members. We can do this. I promise." "I trust you. I trust all of you. It's just that..."  "We can do this." I try to convince you and after our long argument you seemed to finally agree with me. Then I got surprised when you hugged me and I can't help but to hug you back. "I'm sorry. I trust you. And I'm ready to give it a try." "Does this mean?" "Yes." You said and smiled at me. I hugged you tighter. I'm so happy that you gave me another chance and I won't let this chance slip away. I'm going to protect you and Nu'est no matter what. "I love you so much Minki. So freaking much." "I love you too JR."