Disgust.

One word, one thing that I could see in my Appa's eyes everytime we sat with the other shareholders in the meeting room, where he had no choice but to treat and acknowledge me as a son that he's very proud of. The son who had studied in the overseas, who'd just returned from one of the best school in the Europe, who was going to replace him once he retires, who was also.. The failure of his parenting skills in his eyes.

Things were pretty normal at work. I don't associate myself too much with the workers, I arrive at the office and return home exactly on time. I made sure my presence was known in any of the parties held by the company, and then I'd quietly leave the place and go straight home.

Life was dull, and lonely, but I made no initiative to improve it. I just don't have the spirit to stand up my rights anymore. The exact moment my parents called me being gay as a shame to the family, that was when I broke down. I found no reason to rebuild the weakening sibling bond between me and Youngbae, because there is a high possibility that he'll give the same reaction too.

Yes, there was a chance that he'll accept me, but would he..? Would he easily let me return to be the perfect brother I was to him..? Would he let me ruffle his hair the way I used to did in the old days..? Would I still be the role model in his eyes..?

I was scolded by Seunghyun, the older can't believe that I let my Appa control my life again. But can't he understand the fear I had in me..? The fear of having my own brother feeling nothing but disgust and a sense of uneasiness whenever we bump into each other in the kitchen or the living room. It's okay, if we didn't even greet each other at all, at least I know he still had some respect towards me.

The first months after my return, I stayed inside my room for most of the time, and there were only a few time I'll bump into my brother. I gave him a curt nod, and walked away from the place, ignoring the look of longing I could see in his eyes as he watches me leave. I hope he could feel that I'm hurting too.. Entering my room, I comforted myself, saying that it was better than seeing any hint of disgust in my brother's eyes.

Some people say, it's wrong if one of your family member does it, but it was different if it was an outsider.

That was what I had told myself when Lee Seungri came into my brother's life. A flamboyant, noisy boy with messy brunette locks nestled on top of his head, who was not at all ashamed of his uality. How did I know that..?

Well, it started that day, a Saturday. Youngbae was in his sophomore years, but he was never one to bring friends to hangout at his place. I'd ask the teachers on his improvement every month, and they all were impressed of his intelligence. However most of the teachers had admitted that Youngbae was a bit shy during lessons.

I was planning on taking up reading as a new hobby, so I decided to take some books from Appa's library. The small library was on the floor below mine, so I descended the stairs and walked slowly past the rooms to head to the library. Suddenly, I could hear a boisterous laughter resonating throughout the whole floor. And that was when I realised that Youngbae's room was here too. 

In order to make my presence unnoticed, I tiptoed to my ultimate destination, but I stopped abruptly when I heard two voices in Youngbae's room. Standing in front of his wooden door, I could hear two boys chatting about school and the teachers that irked them. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I could hear that Youngbae wasn't the one who did most of the talking, it was the other voice. And I was sure that loud laughter belonged to the chatty person too. No doubt.

I sighed, slightly happy that Youngbae finally got himself a nice friend, so he won't be too lonely anymore. But I was also feeling guilty, realising that I was one of the reasons my brother was lonely. With hunched shoulders, I continued to make my way to the library.

It was the next Saturday, I need not go to work on weekends because Appa said he's got everything under control, and it's better if I limit my encounter with the society and the company workers. Again, like the fool I was, I bowed at him, obeying him like the obedient son I have always been. 

I was sitting at the window, legs dangling over the edge as I stared ahead of the family's land. Hoping that one day I'll get to pass the enormous gate and not return here anymore, be who I wanna be, with whoever I want to. I bitterly chuckled to myself, thinking that a dream like that was impossible for me. I'd never have that type of courage, I admit that I was a coward. Which was why Seunghyun had made it a habit to nag at me about self-freedom whenever I told him on how I automatically obeyed my Appa's words each and everytime.

I found a sense of comfort, as the wind blew away the strands of hair on my forehead, as I see the clouds moving away, the birds flying in their flocks. The urge to jump, was there once in a while. But each and everytime, I told myself that it'd be a waste -- committing suicide just because I'd lost hope in life. It's still early, I'm still young. And although I had stopped hoping for my happiness, I still had a little faith in it. Just enough to give me a reason to wake up every morning.

My attention from mother nature was stolen when one of our cars entered through the big gate. Weird. I was sure that Youngbae was home, and my parents were in the overseas. Who could it be..? 

The car stopped in front of the house, and I tried not to make myself noticeable much, as I pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them as I secretly continued to watch. The car door opened, and a boy got out of the car. With his casual clothes and easy-going stance, the boy bowed at the driver as the car drove off. Being left alone, the boy continued to watch his surroundings, blinking like an innocent panda and then it happened. Our eyes met, and somehow through his gaze only I could identify that this was the loud boy that had came last week.

We were frozen under each other's gaze, and after regaining my senses, I was the first to blink, the same time breaking our eye contact as I skillfully reverted my gaze elsewhere, making it looked as if I wasn't affected at all by the spark in his eyes just now. I could still feel his eyes on me, but I tried my best to fight the urge to see his face once again. I breathed in relief when the front door opened, revealing a smiling Youngbae.

"Lee Seungri! Why didn't you come in..? I told you I was lazy to welcome you into the house," I could hear that laughter again, and I don't know why it had caused a weird sensation inside me. I heard their footsteps, and was sure that Youngbae was taking him inside.

Knowing that his focus was no longer on me, I dared to look their way. I hadn't expected that he would still be looking at me. He was following behind Youngbae, all the while talking to my brother, but never once did he remove his eyes from me. I found myself not attempting to break our eye contact, and when he suddenly smiled, I found it hard to breathe. Even so, I made the shock I felt unnoticed by continuing to stare at him with a questioning gaze and a few seconds later I broke our eye contact. I heard the front door being closed, and their voices disappeared into the house.

My legs were itching to go to the second floor, so I quietly went down the stairs, all the while telling myself that I had wanted to take more books from the library, and not at all curious to hear whatever the boys were doing in Youngbae's room. However, I failed as soon as I came to stand in front of the wooden door. Placing my ear on it, I could hear that boy -- Seungri -- asking Youngbae to help him with a question and my brother was explaining to him the ways of answering it. I smiled proudly, my brother had always been a smart kid.

Suddenly, I could hear Seungri's voice, asking about the boy who was sitting at the window. There was a few seconds of silence until Youngbae finally sighed, "That was my brother, and he's not a boy okay..? He's four years older than us,"

"I don't know, he looks younger than his age.. But.. You've never talked about having a brother before..?"

"Yes, because it actually feels as if I no longer have one anymore,"

My heart clenched, as I continued to hear Youngbae telling his friend about me suddenly distancing myself away from him, without caring to explain why. And somehow Elsa and Anna were suddenly brought up, and later Seungri was comforting my brother.

I couldn't listen to them anymore, so I spun on my heels and left to my room and stayed underneath the blanket for the whole day. I went to meet Seunghyun that night, and he had side hugged me, saying that things will get better as time passes. I hope he's right, though..

One evening, I was going to our garden at the back to observe the growth of the daisy plants that I've planted two weeks ago. However, I stopped before I even reach the garden when I saw them through the sliding door, sitting side by side on the ground. The door was slightly opened, enabling their voices to be heard and I don't know what to feel as I hear Seungri complaining to Youngbae about his father.

"He still thinks that I've been CORRUPTED because he had failed to provide enough care and a good education for me.. Just wait till I find a handsome husband and propose to him right in front of my father and his homophobic bunch of friends!! Can't they understand that love cannot be forced..? Why can't they be more like you..? I was lucky that we met on the first day I moved to school, if not I bet I won't get to survive even for a day..! You know I hate being alone, I need to talk to someone and--"

I concluded two things that day. One, Lee Seungri was an expert in blabbering non-stop at the speed of a bullet train. And two, he was an extremely confident person and was not at all ashamed of his uality. And what surprised me was that Youngbae wasn't weirded out by it, and was willing to befriend the loud boy. For a moment, I had thought that maybe I should just reveal the truth about my uality to my brother, but I quickly decided against it.

Because, like I said, it's okay if it was an outsider, but it's different if it was done by your own family member. So I left the scene and headed to the garage to take my car and went for a ride to Seunghyun's house. I'd been visiting him frequently to release my pent up emotions, and I truly appreciate him for always accepting me into his haven, a studio apartment in the city. Never once did he ever complain about me always troubling him with the problems in my life.

Determined to move on with my lonely life, I had been able to ignore Seungri's presence in the house for about two years or more, until that one night when he suddenly secured himself a place in my heart.

I came home later than I usually did when I go to meet Seunghyun that night, because the older really had to drink beyond his limits just because I jokingly challenged him, saying that he won't be able to last. I forgot how petty he was, and later an overly drunk Seunghyun was kissing a random guy who was sitting at