My name is Kim Nana, I am here to tell you a story: A story about a girl who sees death as a friend.

Family, a common definition for family is simple. It is composed of a father, mother, a child or children, bearing the same last name. A group of people living under one roof, sharing love and happiness. 

I, Myself grow up with a perfect family, an exemplar to families who knew our story. My father works as a successful doctor, working in one of the biggest hospital in Seoul. He is quite famous for saving lives. Under his care inside the operation room, no life has been wasted. Every life entrusted to him was been saved.

My mother, his wife, the love of his life feels nothing but pride. Proud she is for having a husband like him. They had been dating for almost seven years before tying the knot. She's been there in every step of his way. From my father's downfall to success she encourages him. She was her strength.

After a year of marriage, the heavens gifted them with a twin daughters, me, Kim Nana and Kim Hana.

Having a parent and Hana as my family, made me feel what perfection truly is. Our parents exceptionally love us equally, they sent us to prestigious school and shower us with material things we wanted. I could never be happier. 

Fifteen years, we live in peace. Nothing really changed, except my personality. 

Hana and me are monozygotic twins, usually known as Identical twins. We do look alike, we have the same height and body frame. Even the length of our hair are similar. No moles or birthmarks on our faces for uncomplicated recognition. 

Despite of countless similarities, at the end of the day, we remained two different person. I, myself is a shy and timid one while Hana is a carefree soul. We are the exact opposite of the other. Hana could laugh and laugh and laugh and just continuously laugh for a small joke while all I can do is smile. However, these diffrences endlessly bind us closer. 

Hana, isn't just a twin sister for me. She became my bestfriend, my savior and my voice. The love she gave me is greater than she can offer to herself. She prioritize my comfort before hers. 

I feel grateful yet upset because I can't return her love equally. I can't save her from bullies she can't fight off. I can't personally buy her gifts from shops because I can't even voice out what I have in mind. All I can give her is the love of my life- Kim Jongin. 

Kim Jongin, our god father's only son. Kim Jongin, the little kid we grow old with. That little boy who possess a mellifluous laugh, the tan boy in the neighborhood with the softest black hair and the only boy I longed to marry in the future.

It is when we were fifteen when Hana confessed to me the attraction she feels for Jongin. Yes, I felt devastated and defeated. Because, who are we kidding? Hana and her insouciant personality never failed to attract attention. Everyone loves her cheery smile and  contagious laugh. Sometimes I do think Jongin's laughter was taken after Hana.

At first, I felt jealousy but Jongin smiles the brightest around Hana. Maybe I was too young to understand what love is nonetheless I am willing to give up the lingering feeling I have for him to see Jongin's blinding happiness. So, I ignored my feelings, burying the strong love in the abyss of my aching heart. I know the turmoil will somehow pass. 

But I was wrong. It was a Tuesday afternoon, the three of us are supposed to hangout after class. However, Hana was held up at school. I told Jongin we could hang around some other day when Hana is free but my twin sister insisted to Jongin to have a date with me. Me, being still weak around Jongin can't decline. Jongin and I bid goodbye to Hana. 

I know it is wrong and selfish of me to be happy being with Jongin all by myself. I find him most handsome that day, he is wearing a blue turtleneck, a ripped jeans and a simple white sneakers, his hair was pushed back. I warned my heart but the muscle is too stubborn. It's beating for Jongin does not fade, instead it tirelessly fastening it's race. 

"Nana, let's go grab some ice cream!" Carelessly Jongin said. Not giving me a chance to speak casually intertwining our fingers perfectly pulling me to a nearby Baskin n Robbin's stall.

I thought he'd let go of my hand after reaching the stall but he did not. So, with our fingers glued together we wander around the mall. I did tried taking back my hand from his tight grip but the insensitive boy pouted. How dare he use my weakness? I sighed before letting him hold my hand. 

Sincerely, I liked it. How he takes care of me. How he makes me happy. How he bears with the boring me. How our fingers caged around each others. Guilty I am to my twin sister but I am helpless around Jongin. My heart is pliant to his, my mind is submissive to his own. 

"Jongin. Please let go of my hand." I whispered wishing for him not to hear so we could continue holding hands. To my surprise he stopped, slightly loosening his grip. 

Jongin turned around with a frown, swiftly I turned around avoiding his gaze. "Why?" Is all he could ask.

"Because I am not Hana." I reminded him. I can feel the tears pool around my huge eyes but I thanked my heart for withstanding the pain. But he chuckled, I questioningly send glares to him. Our eyes met. He is laughing softly. I was amazed, lost in my own world I listen to his laughter. I watch his wrinkled eyes as his laughter grows louďer.

"I know you are not." We started walking again. "You are different." He whispered when my shoulder accidentally brushes against his. I blushed after realizing how close our body is.

I answered with silence. I prohibited my mouth from speaking afraid of what I might say will lead to an unforeseen confession. I let him drive the conversation. Most of the time he speaks for us while I endlessly listens to his childish blabbering and rantings.

For twenty minutes he talks about nothing but this Oh Sehun guy in his class. Like, how annoying he is, how irksome the boy's laughter and whatever. Jongin is frowning, I was watching his brows meeting while berating the poor boy. Mentally I was laughing, Jongin is insecure. 

Somehow, my brain is asking: "Does Jongin also hold Hana's hand like this?" Disregarding my question, I shook my thoughts away. 

I guess it is really true that time flies when you are happy. If the mall's security guard did not approached us to remind the closing time of the mall we might spend a night at the establishment. 

Unfortunately our friendly hangout needs to end. The night is deepening and so we decided to head home, calling it a day. 

Jongin volunteered walking me home. The funny thing is, we can always take a cab, a bus or a train home. But he insisted walking that night I wonder why. 

"Nana." Jongin stopped calling me. I halted my steps turning around. He was smiling shyly. I don't know why. "I like you." After those words, without giving me a chance to speak he pulled me by the nape, leaning down for him to kiss my lips. 

I closed my eyes, feeling how soft his lips are pressed to mine. I am in heaven. My heart feels like jumping out of my ribcage. It's reacting on it's own, it is voluntarily answering Jongin's confession.

I am lost in his kiss and was unaware when did I start responding to it. Because certainly it is my first kiss and might be our last. 

Hazy my mind becomes, jello my legs get. Oh God, the love I buried resurfaces. 

I know how wrong and stupid this is because Hana, my lovely twin sister likes Jongin too. But I can't help it. The harder I conceal these feelings the harder it is to fight off these feelings.

¤¤

Tiptoeing my way to my own bedroom, I took a warm shower before slipping into my night gown. As I devour the warmth coming off from the my thick blanket, I touches my lips. Recalling what happened earlier. 

I felt my phone vibrating. Knowing it was Jongin I hurriedly grab my device from the nightstand, swiping my screen to read the message. 

A smile ghosted my lips while reading the message. "Goodnight Nana. Today is my happiest." Jongin said. It didn't take long for me to reply. Still floating in cloud nine I swiftly replied. "Goodnight Jongin. Thank you for today. It was fun!" 

I smiled like crazy, pulling the blanket concealing my cringing frame. I was about to reply when my bedroom door swings open. 

I played asleep and remained still under my sheets. I know it is Hana because she has this habit to join me in the bed. Sometimes, I wake up the next day with Hana hugging me. I'm beyond guilty to face her at the moment. 

The empty side of my bed sinks and I waited for her to hug me like she usually do. Not long after my expectations, Hana cling unto me like a leech. 

"Nana, how's the date?" 

"What?!" I exlaimed unexpectedly. 

I turned around and gave her a questioning look. I expected for her to be angry like in every movie. But the glow of Hana's face says otherwise. She is excitedly waiting for me to spill the details of the hangout. 

"Tell me, did Jongin confess to you? If he did, did you say yes? Are you guys dating now?" The series of her unexpected questions leave me mouth ajar. "Oh please Nana.. Spill the beans!" Hana playfully squeezes me. 

"But you like him." Shyly I whispered to her. Hana rolled her eyes on me I wanted to pull her eyeballs out of her eyesockets.

"It was a crush and nah, don't worry about me okay? All I wanted is for you to be happy." Hana tightly hugged me. Somehow my heart feels at peace. "Besides, I know you like him as much as I do so Nana, baby, go for Jongin  he likes you." 

"But-"

"No, don't allow me to repeat myself Nana. I love you too much you're my other half I can't afford to see you sad and feel torturous pain pricking into your skin unto your flesh. It is painful you see Nana. So please, tell Jongin you like him okay?" She hugged me. Hana did. And I can't help myself but to love my twin sister even more. 

"Unni.." 

"So, tell me Nana, did you guys kissed?"

I don't want to tell her that we did but how can I not? 

"We did." I smiled grazing my lips with my fingers. 

"I knew it!" That's the last thing she said before slipping her body underneath my sheets. Her steady breathing hitting the crook of my neck. 

We lie in silence, waiting for sleep to consume us. 

"Nana. Who do you love the most? Mom or dad?" Out of the blue she asked. I was thinking for a while, it was a difficult question to answer. Our parents spoiled us and treated us equally it is rightful to love them unconditionally. "I love you Nana. Only you." Her voice is faltering, an indication that Hana is falling to sleep and so I followed her.

Sunray's entering through the gaps of the thick curtain, spreading throughout Nana's room and another one straight to my face interrupting my serene slumber.

Recalling every details of the events the other day, I could help nothing but to smile. Yesterday me and Jongin went for a date, he confessed and importantly we shared our first kissed. I can't stop cringing by the thought. 

I pulled Hana's arms while I scoot closer to her body- but wait, Hana's built is identical to mine. Nervousness lingers inside me realizing it wasn't my twin sister's arms are not longer enveloping me. It belongs to someone else. 

"Did you sleep late?" My body stiffens upon hearing Jongin's voice early in the morning. Why is he even on my room? I wanted to answer him but got worried about my morning breath. It might turn him off and scare him away. I might lose something. 

I hummed in response. He chuckled ily before pulling my waist. "Hana woke up early, she said I could wake you." I hummed for the second time. 

"B-breakfast Jongin." When I regain my composure from the high in a swift movement I tried getting up but my attempt is a total failure when Jongin briskly pulled me back to bed. 

"Ten minutes of cuddle." Without my approval he cuddled with me. 

Shutting my eyes back I devoured the warmth of his body. His heart races similar to mine. Feeling his heartbeat I realized his feelings are real. I smiled, this one sided love wasn't one sided at all. 

"I like you too Jongin." Unsure of what drove me to confess, the skinship or maybe the crazy pounding inside Jongin's chest. But i did not regret confessing quickly because me and Jongin became a couple officially.

¤¤

Everything is perfect. I am living in bliss, happily contented with everything I have. But life is a sometimes. Life wasn't just about smiles and laughter after all. You see, happiness and pain always come in pair. Where happiness is there is always pain.

We were seventeen by that time, Hana would constantly sneak into my room few hours past my bedtime. She would hug me oddly. She would cry and cry and cry. I should muster up some courage to ask her why. But like every night I just can't. 

Like a hostage I don't have a freedom. My own thoughts were having a battle. Whenever her period is approaching her sensitivity heightens. She would cry to every simple thing. Her hormones are worst. I ignored it on the fifth night she snuck unto my room. 

When her period for the month was over, she stopped breaking down. I am happy she is back to her normal cheerful self. 

One fine Sunday morning, Jongin asked me out for a date, I was sitting by the window of a coffee shop in Apgujeong, sipping my glass of oreo smoothie when an odd stranger took the seat across me, the only seat meant for Jongin.

"Hey pretty!" He greeted me. I don't know what to say, he is creeping me out with his bright smile and curly hair. Even his innocent deep dimples are scaring me. He is seriously handsome but fear is taking over me. 

I did not respond, instead I stood up to look for another empty spot however his long arms caught me. Turning me over I landed against his tight chest. I closed my eyes mentally screaming Jongin's name for help. 

"Let go of me!" I begged him. Yet, his grip only tightens before lifting my chin for a kiss. 

He is kissing me. It disgusts me. I pushed him while my other hand is endlessly throwing small punches on his forearm. 

Fear is consuming me. He let go of me giving me a worried look when he felt the wet trails of my tears. The stranger opened his mouth to speak but ended up on the floor. 

My Jongin came to save me. Jongin pulled me. Continuously asking if I am okay. He dried my tears before kissing my fears away.

"What the hell happened?" I heard Hana blurted out. She came running on me, worriedly checking me out. 

"That happened!" Jongin pointed a finger on a stranger still lying on the floor. 

"Yeol?" Hana exclaims before pulling the boy up. "Oh Jesus! What happened?" 

The commotion we caused garnered attention and worried crew of the shop came to help. 

"H-he k-kissed me." I fathom that my honesty would bring the stranger harm. I was right as Jongin attempted to punch the stranger. Thankful I am for Hana when he stopped Jongin. 

She laughed. Jongin freezes blinking a few times while watching Hana brought the now scared and confused boy to an empty seat. 

"Are you okay?" Hana asked before kissing the boy's cheek. He nods. "You kissed my twin sister?" Calmly she asked him. His eyes dilated with her question. 

"You have a twin? I didn't know hon, I swear to God! I didn't meant to!"

Now that explains it. Turns out Hana and his boyfriend, Chanyeol was supposed to have a date to the very same café as well. Chanyeol didn't know Hana has a twin and accidentally mistaking me as her. 

He apologized repeatedly but mostly to my boiling boyfriend. Jongin adorably tried lecturing Chanyeol not to kiss Hana in public as a greeting. 

Despite of the accidental kiss, Jongin sulks for the day. He suggested to walk me home instead of bringing me out for our date. His mood faded because of the fact that someone else kissed me. I know even if he strongly denied it. 

I wanted to pamper him. I shook my head and acted stubborn. We ended up deciding to watch some DVD's on his apartment instead. We bought pizza and a bucket of chicken on our way. 

I heard Jongin swear when his DVD won't work. I kissed him on the cheek, slightly sitting on his lap while I scan for the channels. I stopped when I found The Notebook. 

We watched in silence. I rested my head to his shoulder and interlaced the gap between our fingers while his palm is gently my waist.

I waited for him to man up so we can talk about his jealousy but halfway of the movie his words are left unspoken. I lift up and began caressing his neck. Peppering kisses from his ears to his jawline down to his neck. He groans.

"Nana, stop doing that. You're making it hard for me." With tenderness in his voice he begs me. I only giggled while that certain spot on his neck. Clueless to whatever effect I am causing him. "Babe no. I am hard now, literally." 

"I love you." I said to ease the worry Jongin feels.

That night, the chastity I kept for my future husband had been ruined. Jongin wrecked me, I allowed him. For I know that he is the one I am destined for. I know, he will love me and eventually we are made for each other. 

I know I am right when after two years we got married. Jongin asked me for a date. A late night star gazing to be exact. But it wasn't I expected it to be.

Instead of a plain camping tent on top of a hill there's this bright sparkling lighted path leading to a hammock. Like a child I ran to ride it. Momentarily, I devoured the arranged bunk. Jongin looked at me with a satisfied smile. His little surprise turned me crazy, made me insanely euphoric. I am so lucky having him in my life. 

He was watching me with a bright smile. I've been chanting a few blabbering lines until Jongin kneeled down on his knees. Small red velvet box on hand as he stare right into my soul. 

I halted swaying the hammock as I try regaining my composure. I could imagine the dumb reaction on my face. Mouth slightly ajar, eyes are dilated. 

Jongin's been saying a few cheesy line but "Will you marry me?" is the only sentence registering my mind. I didn't think twice and said yes. He cried in happiness and soon joined me in cloud nine as he pull my cheeks for a deep meaningful kiss.

Under the starry night we both cried, with the chilly touches of the breezy air we hug. 

We are so inlove. 

Upon getting down from our stupor, I informed Hana first thing I got home. I showed her my simple engagement ring and joined her high tuned squealing. 

She cried for my happiness and joked me about cutting Jongin's balls the moment he causes me pain. 

For a few times I heard her ranting how much she wanted to be Chanyeol's wife as well. Seeing how healthy their relationship is I assured her they'll end the same. She gave me a sweet sweet smile before crying again.

Me and Jongin is bound to be one on the second Thursday of April the next year. Hana's been pretty occupied preparing for everything. It's funny how she wanted to go smoothly for my wedding day. 

From the venue to every small detail of my wedding dress she's being a one hell of a perfectionist. I admire her and the wedding plans are giving her great comments. 

Our parents and relatives are giving her nothing but praises for the job well done. I felt jealous and a little bit irresponsible yet she deserves the adoration I know. 

Everything was just perfect it makes me nervous, maybe it's the wedding blues or whatever but something's keeping me from being too euphoric. Somehow, I shrug the nervousness away. 

Two days before my wedding. Hana bought me VIP Standing tickets to my favorite band's concert.

She always supported me to whatever hobbies I had. But except liking this popular local band. Saying the band's too overrated or whatever. So I was quite shock when Hana bought me those tickets plus the fact that she's going along amazes the hell out of me.

I've been lining up six hours before the concert starts to get good queue numbers. Hana called me saying she'd be really really late since her client's are being pain in the asking for demands and changes over the work contract. 

The line's pretty boring. If not with the company of a few foreign fans my brain cells might get fried due to loneliness. The eagerness to call Jongin for companionship is strong but I don't want to distract him either. He might chicken out you know and I surely does not like that. So I got no choice rather than impatiently enduring the long deadly hours.

It was three hours before the concert starts when we were asked for our tickets for queue numbers and holy sh- I forgot our tickets. I've been calling Hana for the whereabouts our tickets as I drove myself home. 

I let out a few series of heavy sigh when I recieved nothing. Instead, I gave up and decided to look for the tickets instead.

Hana's room turned to a pigsty as I throw everything I touches all over her room. I rummages every possible crook or nook but I find nothing. Thinking the possibility that she might brought the tickets with her made me bid goodbye to the concert away. 

Tired with searching I dropped my body back to her soft mattress when the back of my head touches a hard surface of the pillow. Yeah, Hana is a wise woman but she could be dumb sometimes. I smirked as I rummages the insides of her soft cushion where the tickets might be. 

A hardbound diary welcomed me. I understood how private the contains might be yet the urge to read her notes are strong.

I let out a heavy sigh, mentally asking for forgiveness for invading her privacy. I choosed to scan the last entry to lessen my guilt.

Cold beads of sweat are dripping all over me. I felt like a strong punch landed on my weak stomach reading her entries.

I closed it and find myself getting dragged by my feet to somewhere I literally have no idea where.

I dialed my twin's number as soon as I stepped unto the elevator. My empty hand presses the ground floor button.

"Jongin.. Jongin.." Like a sort of mantra I chanted. Hoping Jongin was there to tell me that everything is going to be fine. Like I was just that as soon as I get out of the apartment building I could be on the concert grounds.

But no, it wasn't the crowd of excited people screaming the band's name that greeted me out of the building. I know I still have a long way to go till I reach the exit of the building yet the excessive pounding of my heart scares me.

Everyone's looking at the same direction- the rooftop of the building. The closer I teach the exit the weaker my knees turns into. 

A loud slam welcomed me the moment I stepped out of the building. There she was, lying lifeless in front of me. Her head has a crack and bloods continue coming off her head. 

Hana is dead.

She jumps off the building.

She ended her misery.

She found home with death.

While she left me, alone in this miserable, treacherous world.

Dear Diary,

Today I was about to meet Nana to watch her favorite band. But I'm afraid I could not watch her screaming out someone else's name besides Jongin's. I'm pretty sure that she'd remain adorable though.

Oh my precious Nana. I did tried but I failed if this happened to be the last entry.

Yes, I've been saying on each note that it would be my last. However, seeing you smile gives me strength. 

Strength to what I hope you would not discover.

I love you Nana, I'm selfish ending my life a few days before your wedding but if ever I took courage killing myself I wanted you to continue that one special day. 

Jongin please do love Jongin.

Kim Hana.

With each flip of her diary that is seemed to be her suicide notebook comes along a drop of tear. My heart is heavy as I grit my teeth. Even Jongin's hold isn't enough to calm the storm. It is heavy, it is unacceptable that my happy Hana ended her life in a blink of an eye.

It is funny how she literally knows each part of me yet here I am, questioning myself if ever I knew her personally. Although her journal entries says otherwise.

Hana was not the same Hana I grew up with. She's obviously the exact opposite behind those deceitful eyes. Behind those cheerful smiles lies the depressed Kim Hana. 

I didn't knew. She hid it well. Her depression and the dirty truth about my parents. It is difficult to take in and I wanted to hug the alive Hana at the moment to share the pain. But she is gone and I am bound to face the bitter reality alone. 

Turned out that my father's been cheating on my mother. Hana found it out the night of Jongin's love confession to me. She does not want to ruin that one magical night for me so she chooses to suffer alone. 

I wanted to curse her for leaving. For acting strong, for smiling without happiness, for giving everyone hope when she had nothing to hold unto. 

I hated Hana, for hiding things from me, for giving me every happiness in the world including hers. I hated her, I hated her so much I hate myself for knowing nothing about my twin sister. For accepting whatever she gives me without thinking about her. I hated Hana for living in a lie, for being pretentious. I hated her for letting her depression wins, for allowing the pretentious girl live with a heavy heart.

But I hated myself above everything because I never knew what Hana truly feels. Am I even her twin sister? Because if I truly am then why did I never felt any lingering sadness? Why does she had to suffer alone? 

Oh Hana.. My precious Hana. 

I wish I could turn back time and hug you, kiss every pain away and replace those pretentious smile with genuine ones. I love you Hana. 

I love you.. 

But everything are too late. I am too late.

I am sorry. 

I hope wherever you are you keep those smiles I love you wearing.