I would like to dedicate this story to all of you who are spending this Christmas away from your families and friends. This one goes to anyone who's alone this year, during this magical time. Although you may feel lonely, you are not alone. Please, remember that. There are people who love you beyond any measures.

You are loved.

Baby Please Go Home

Jongdae was sitting by his kitchen table, with a string of colorful lights hanging in one of the windows. There was a scented candle burning next to his laptop, a glass of wine by his hand, and a full bottle behind it. The world outside was covered in darkness and snow.

December 21^st. Three days until Christmas, and instead of doing the annual Christmas shopping, Jongdae had spent the whole day watching New Girl on Netflix.

“Oh, come on, Jess!” he groaned out loud, taking a big sip of red wine.

“Nick! Nick, you idiot! It’s a freaking cactus!” he yelled in his head, rolling his eyes.

His phone started ringing, but upon checking the caller’s ID, Jongdae only turned the “don’t disturb” mode on his iphone, and got back to “enjoying” his show.

A facebook notification popped up on his screen, from the same person that tried to reach him by the phone.

But Jongdae just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. He knew exactly what the person on the other end wanted. Talk to him, to “cheer him up,” because “everything is just alright,” and blah blah blah… The boy just hated his friends’ pity. He didn’t need their words of support, because he knew, that in the end, they will still have their family and loved ones to sit down to a dinner table for Christmas, people to exchange gifts with, and someone to sing along with by a fireplace. While he’ll be stuck on the other side of the planet, watching some ty show on Netflix. Just to get as far from the Christmas mood as possible.

There was no Christmas tree in his apartment, the colorful lights by the window were the only holiday-ish thing in his apartment, and each time any Christmas songs started playing on the radio, youtube, or Spotify, he instantly turned them off. There was no Christmas for him this year, and he just wanted to be done with December as soon as possible.

He knew that pushing his friends away was not an answer to his heart ache, after all, it had been his decision to leave everything and everyone behind and turn his life upside down, but he had foolishly hoped that the change would have been easier on him. He hoped being alone wouldn’t feel so lonely.

He sighed, and looked outside the window on the snowy streets of Manhattan.

“It doesn’t feel like it’s worth it,” he thought to himself, and looked back at his phone. He never called anyone when he was feeling down, because there was no reason for that. He didn’t want to worry his parents or friends. There was no reason for them to know what he had been going through.

However, this time, he grabbed his phone, and dialed a number, hoping his short moment of weakness wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“Jongdae!” he heard a cheerful, and somehow relieved, voice on the other side.

“Hey, babe,” he smiled to himself, and his heart ached instantly. His eyes watered, and he needed a few moments to calm himself down. “How are you doing?”

“I miss you to the moon and back. How are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for days! You hardly ever text me back, now… has anything happened? Should I be worried?

“Everything’s just fine, babe,” the boy whispered, smiling to himself, “everything’s just perfect, now.”

“Why didn’t you call me back? Why did you ignore my texts, Dae? Please, tell me what’s going on,” the boy on the other end begged.

Jongdae swallowed, considering his answer.

“Dae,” the boy spoke again, “Dae, are you… have you met someone else?” the voice whispered quietly, and Jongdae could see the other’s broken expression.

“Minseok, don’t even say that,” he whispered, and resting his head on the wall, he gave up to the wave of overwhelming feelings, “I could never do that to you. You know that. Don’t you ever dare think that again. Don’t you ever dare think that I met anyone else. You’re my only one, and you know that,” he mumbled to the phone, chocking slightly at the end.

“Then what is going on, Jongdae? I beg you, talk to me!” Minseok’s voice broke, “please…”

Jongdae took his glass of wine in his hand, and moved to sit on a windowsill, from where he could watch the empty streets.

“Can I videochat you?” Minseok asked, once the silence became too long.

“No!” Jongdae quickly replied, “please… I don’t know if I could stand seeing you right now…” he mumbled, and took a deep breath in. The pain in his chest became unbearable.

“You’re worrying me, Jongdae –“

“I just miss you so much, Minseok,” the boy whispered, letting a tear ran down his check, “I miss you so much, you cannot even imagine. My heart hurts like it has never hurt before, and I cannot even stand thinking of you. Seeing your messages and all your calls makes me wanna give it all up, pack my bags and go back home. Just thinking of being alone, without you, without anyone, for Christmas, makes me feel so weak and so vulnerable,” he choked, and his voice broke, as tears started rushing down his face.

“Jongdae, I—“

“Please,” the boy mumbled, “I beg you, don’t say anything. I will not take any more words of comfort. It all just so much, Minseok. I don’t want any of it, anymore. And that even hurts more. I am living my dream, but all I can focus on is that I am living it on my own. I have nothing to share it with. I have no one to experience it with. I don’t have you to be here with me and laugh with me while walking down the street, or judge people with me, or to comfort me when the distance becomes too much. I cannot call you anytime I want because of the time difference, I cannot hug you whenever I want. I cannot touch you, or wake up next to you. I just miss you so much that it physically hurts,” he cried out, not being able to hold it in, anymore.

“Jongdae,” Minseok whispered softly, “why haven’t you said anything? To any of us?”

“What was I supposed to say? And even if I had said anything, would it have changed anything? I would still be here, and you all would still be back home. And instead of only me being miserable, we all would be… and what good would that be? I chose this for myself, and I have to live with it… I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard, you know…”

“Baby,” the other spoke calmly, “I’m here just for such problems. I’m not here just to listen about school, or how amazing was Central Park. I am here to listen about your problems as well. I know that I cannot do much, and I wish I could… but you cannot shut me off… you have to tell me such things…”

“But what difference does it make?” Jongdae cried, finding it hard to breathe, “it is all just so damn hard, Minseok,” he whispered, “I just really want to go back home, you know. I don’t want the world anymore… I just want you… I want you, and mum, and dad, and Baekhyun, and the fireplace, I want the streets of Seoul, I miss seeing the lights you know… I want warm tea with lemon and honey, I want soup and my fluffy slippers… I want to hug you, and be hugged. I want to laugh again, laugh with you guys, go out for drinks, go back to work and be constantly pissed off with everyone again. I just want it all back. What the ing stupid idea was it to come here?”

Tears were streaming down Jongdae’s face as he watched the snow slowly falling.

“It was a great idea, Jongdae. You know it. Deep down you know. Everyone is so proud of you, and we all know this is just a life for you. You’ve always wanted the world. And now you have it. You’d go back home, and what would you do here? You know very well that you’d get bored soon…”

“I don’t everyone to be proud of me,” he whispered, “I just don’t want to be alone, Minseok. I don’t want to feel so damn lonely, anymore…”

“You’re not alone, Jongdae. You are not. You have all of us here –“

“Thousands of miles away from me…”

“But we are here for you. And we always will be. Baekhyun is already planning what you’ll be guys doing once you come back for summer. I am actually afraid I may not have you to myself even for a minute once you get home,” the boy laughed, and Jongdae’s heart ached again at the sound, “please, don’t cry baby. It break my heart to hear you like this. Please, don’t cry, because it only makes me wanna cry, too. We all miss you, too, so damn hard. I miss you so so so damn hard. Every day. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last one when I go to sleep. And when you don’t text me back, or when you don’t call me back, it just breaks me to pieces. We need to stay it touch, not to lose each other, Jongdae…”

“It just sometimes gets too hard, Minseok… I am sorry.”

“What exactly, baby?”

“Seeing you happy…” Jongdae whispered, “seeing you smile around with Baekhyun, doing everything we used to do… just without me… and it hurts, because I cannot do it anymore…”

“We have to live our lives, Dae. And when we keep on doing the same things we always used to do with you… not having you hear feels more bearable…”

Jongdae sobbed, closing his eyes.

“I am so sorry,” he whispered.

“What are you sorry for, babe?”

“This. Everything. The call… tell you all this…”

“I want you to tell me such things, Jongdae. I want you to tell me when you’re broken, and hurt. I want you to tell me everything. This distance thing doesn't work for me as well, believe me, it doesn’t. But you’ve no idea how proud I am of you. So, so, so freaking proud. That you’re brave enough to take such a step and chase your dreams. That you just packed your bags and left your comfort zone and safe space… I am so proud of you, and even tho I miss you like crazy, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I know my baby is living his dream, and is only up for big things. Road to success is not easy, and you know it. We both know it. But this situation is only temporary. Be it here, back home, or there, in the States, wherever you are in the world, you know we’ll be together. Sweet moments in life last for a short time, but there is an unlimited amount of them that we can create. And we’ll to have a whole bunch of them in future. It’s been already four months since you left home… and you’ll be back in six… time flies like crazy, and before you know it, we’re all be drinking again, laughing and cheering to old times. And everything will be good again.”

“I don’t know if I can make it through another six months, Minseok…”

“Of course you can,” Minseok spoke softly, “of course you can. Because if not you, then who? You’re a ing star, Jongdae, and you’re to be the brightest of them all. You will make it, and you will come back home, and I’ll get to hug you again, and we’ll laugh, and eat, and drink, and play, and it’ll all be like old times. And for the time being, you get your act together, you put on your best self, and you win the world, babe. Because that’s what you deserve. The whole ing world.”

“I love you so much, Minseok,” Jongdae sobbed.

“I love you, too, Jongdae. And don’t you ever say that you’re alone. You’re never alone, baby. Never. I know you may feel lonely. And I cannot even imagine how scary it’s gotta be. But I know how strong my baby is. And I know you can take it. I know you can make it. The nights are long, but after each night comes a day, honey. You have a whole lot of people cheering for you here, back home. You have all of us waiting for you with open arms. You have all of us loving you to the moon and back. And none of us is going to let you give up on the biggest dream of your life, even if you feel like doing it. You’re gonna win the world, and we’ll all be cheering for you. Because we love you. I love you, Jongdae.”

Jongdae cried out, hiding his head in his arms, “I love you, too, Minseok. So, ing much. Thank you. I will try. I will try to be strong. The strongest I can be.”

“I wish I could board the plane and come to you…”

“I wish I could do the same… but maybe that’s good… maybe that's what we all need… what I need… maybe there’s a reason to this whole pain…”

“I know that this is a lame consolation, but you know I believe that there is a reason for everything that’s happening…”

“I know, baby… I know. I will see you in May… hopefully,” Jongdae whispered, smiling softly.

“I’ll see you in a few hours on FaceTime, baby, just go get some sleep,” the voice replied, and Jongdae felt warmth spread in his chest.

“Alright, babe. I will. I love you.”

“Love you, too, Jongdae. So much. Don’t ever hesitate to call me if you ever feel down. You cannot go through it alone. You’ve got people willing to give all their time to you, you know. It’s been hard on us, too…”

“I will, I promise… I gotta finish, Min, I think I should call Baekhyun… I have been ignoring him for a few days, as well…” Jongdae mumbled, looking towards his computer.

“Call me when you wake up.”

“Will do. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Sleep tight.”

And the line went silent. Jongdae sighed, looking out of the window. His chest still felt heavy, and the saddening feelings did not go away, but somewhere deep in his heart, he felt he could get through the next six months… Even tho he felt lonely, he was not alone. He was never alone. He had people he hold dear, and the same people held him dear. Life was hard, but it was not unbearable. And although he felt weak, he had people who kept him strong.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Happy holidays!

Please, don't take your loved ones for granted. Care for every one, because one day they may not be there. In light of what happened a few days ago, and in the spirit of the incoming Chritmas, I decided to write this story, as I myself am also spending Christmas away from my family and friends this year, for the first time. Jongdae's character is not just full of emoty words, but was supposed to reflect everything that I myself cannot tell anyone. But just as Jongdae, who's alone this Christmas, I dedicate this story to all of you how are spending this time away from your loved ones. I know how hard it is, I know how terrible it feels. But please, remember that you are not alone. You have people who care about you. Always. If you feel like giving up, don't. Giving up is just not worth it. After each storm comes a rainbow. Life is so much more than just ups and downs. There are people who miss you just as much as you miss them. Grab a phone, and call your friends, your family. Tell them, this Christmas, that you love them, that you miss them. There is nothing wrong with feeling weak, that's why we have other people in our lives--to keep us up, when it feels like we're falling down the rabbit hall.

If you feel like you want to talk to anyone, you can always talk to me. I know it sounds lame, but I also know that sometimes it is much easier to talk to strangers that people you actually know.

You are loved.

You matter.

People care about you.

Have the merriest time of the year!